Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

1929

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

Family values

Creepy

Great speech, thanks!

2033

289

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

By Anonymous - United States

61376

4548

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

56928

3827

Today, I got into a car accident. The other driver was going so fast that when we hit, our cars positioned themselves to make it look like it was all my fault. He keeps blaming me for everything and the position of the cars doesn't help. FML

By Anon - United States - Toledo

22595

1462

Today, I went to help a friend move into her new apartment. We were half-way through when it started to rain, and in my anger I yelled that it's like these things happen just to annoy me. Then we heard the tornado sirens. FML

By wtf did I do - United States

26251

4420

Today, I got a message from the girl I like. She told me to never speak to her again and not even look at her any more. Apparently the letter I wrote to her was perverted, vile and nasty. I never wrote her a letter. FML

By Anonymous - United States

41868

2779

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

By Anonymous - Australia

24995

5931

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

1432

250

Today, my boyfriend left me for another girl. My dad's reaction to the news and my tears was to say, "Aww. Gonna write a song about it, Taylor Swift?" FML

By Anonymous - Ireland

57822

8360

Today, my 13-year-old son discovered Axe. Axe shower gel. Axe shampoo. Axe body spray. All at once. FML

By BobsBabe2 - United States

33093

2821

Today, I found out that my intense acne is actually an allergic reaction to the "deep clean" product I've been using to reduce it. I've been using this product for the past ten years. Ten years of suffering through "acne" could have been easily avoided. FML

By DeepCleanAcne

3707

1121

Today, I was listening to music on my phone. I activated Siri by mistake, which stopped the music. I told Siri to, "turn the damn music back on." She replied, "Now calling Afton." Afton is my ex. While trying to quickly end the call, my phone froze and the buttons stopped working. FML

By JillianJuneBug - United States - Elmira

8218

1411

Today, I saw a girl I knew from high school at the DMV and she started leaning forward. I thought she was leaning into hug me. So I just began to hug her. She was actually trying to throw something in the garbage. FML

By Anonymous - United States

46281

17167

Today, I was walking to a bathroom on campus before class when my professor walked in behind me. There were two urinals in the bathroom, we walked right up next to each other and unzipped our pants in unison. It became so awkward for me, I actually said out loud, "Nope, too awkward" and left. FML

By beetregeneration - United States - Stockton

9383

1627

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

By karma - Canada

First!

55013

7427

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Kick the bum out, part 2

791

183

Today, I found out that falling asleep with a bobby pin in your hair means waking up with one jammed in your ear drum. FML

By Diana - United States

We hear ya

1476

360

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

By automaticfail_00 - United States

57895

5029

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

By dck128 - United States

26520

3049

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

By Anonymous - United States

25478

4092

Today, I had to explain to my dad why it is important for him to clear the browsing history after watching sexual explicit material on the family computer. FML

By Anonymous - Australia

33001

4045

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

By Anonymous - United States

71181

12071

Today, after losing a battle with ants in my apartment, I just pulled one off that was biting me in the vagina. FML

By Anonymous

Sneaky

1798

182

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

By Anonymous

1701

116

Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML

By Anonymous - United States

3344

235

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Fountain Valley

64401

25354

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house. One thing led to another, and we were just getting to the good parts when his mom walks in. After a long, awkward pause, she says "I like your socks" and walks out. She is a teacher at my highschool. I have to see her everyday. FML

By mjayne17 - Canada

51928

22210

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

By ProudASDmom - Canada - Chilliwack

22842

1385

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

By Oops - United States - Portland

11897

844

Today, I'm a 23 year old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

By carrie - Algeria

24148

6506

Today, I've been debating all day on whether I'm going to have to sell some of my video games to afford pads. FML

By RiverRunsRed

Gamers rise up

1537

289

Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

713

1583

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. I also found out that my best friend knew about it all along. When I confronted him, he tried to justify the betrayal by saying that she paid him to keep quiet. FML

By gng2fckngkilluyoufckngfckr - Canada - Ottawa

26317

1967

Today, a man reminded me five times how much of a "nice guy" he was during our first conversation, saying also that I seem the sort to date the "bad guys" because I looked sweet and innocent. Then, without waiting for me to say something, he sighed and walked away, muttering that he always finished last. FML

By Don'tjudgeabook

4694

333

Today, I reactivated my Facebook account, having not used it for three months. My "friends" didn't realize this. According to their recent status updates, I'm disgustingly fat, have a hook nose, and I'm secretly hated. FML

By unlovedfatty - United States

36450

4947

Today, I flew a toy helicopter into my face. FML

By magicalDEATH - United Kingdom

10003

35138

Today, it was my engagement party. All was going fabulously until my fiancé's dad decided to give us a toast, and completely forgot my name in front of all my family and friends. I've been with his son for 7 years. FML

By Alex - New Zealand

35920

3107

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML

By ph2222 - United States - Toledo

31089

3606

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Petrolia

54818

3388

Today, I'm facing a disciplinary hearing at work because I occasionally fail to click the door properly shut when I leave the office and this is very upsetting to one of the six colleagues I share my office with. FML

By Work_sucks

8984

1332