Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

1920

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Who's a good boy?

Bad boys, bad boys…

By ouch - 5/10/2015 19:20 - United States - Stockton

23779

3721

Today, my doctor informed me that the pea-sized bump under my arm is a "third breast". That is not what I meant every time I said I wanted more tits. FML

By Leashaness - 15/9/2012 11:07 - United States

27240

2705

Today, I couldn't open my car door from the inside. I rang my father-in-law in a panic and he opened it from the outside for me. Then he asked why I just didn't roll down the window and do it myself. FML

By Emmz91 - 6/9/2019 16:00

Brain fart

633

1539

Today, I bought a slice of pizza at my favorite gas station. Upon opening the box, I found that the lone piece of pepperoni visible through the window on the box was in fact the only piece on the whole slice. FML

By thehaystackerine - 1/3/2020 12:00

Asshole Design

1271

253

Today, my 9 month old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML

By anonymous - 28/12/2011 08:14 - United States

35333

5146

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 02:05 - United States

59649

3265

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

By Misskittygal14 - 16/11/2017 15:00

3436

1109

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

By forreal - 23/8/2019 02:00

1784

343

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met at my friend's party. He stopped mid-thrust, climbed off, and started talking about how nervous he is about buying his first car next week. FML

By effingdoucher - 30/1/2011 06:07 - United States

37642

10954

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my extended family. When my wife came home, she kicked me out of the game and took all my money and property. When I said she couldn't do that, she said "Sure I can. It's called divorce." Everyone laughed. Now I'm bored as hell, watching everyone else play. FML

By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 20:43 - United Kingdom - London

32028

3957

Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I am afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML

By BaggedDown - 8/5/2014 01:25 - United States - Rochester

42904

6269

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

By ollierocks96 - 17/12/2009 21:43 - United States

36425

3006

Today, as always, my name is Karen. FML

By karen - 27/9/2019 14:00

I'm a meme

1529

371

Today, my girlfriend texted me to pick her up some medicine because she’s "all plugged up." When I arrived with laxatives, she yelled at me. She meant her sinuses. FML

By jakestorm - 4/9/2019 20:00

Blockages

1546

333

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

By ClothMom - 8/12/2009 07:02 - United States

36119

3698

Today, my boyfriend broke the bed pretending to be a caterpillar. FML

By tine - 16/11/2014 09:44 - Australia - Sydney

32481

3755

Today, my 26-year-old boyfriend came to my apartment to spend the night for the first time. He brought a "blankie" that he insisted was the only thing that could help him sleep. That "blankie" was his ex-girlfriend's silk nightgown. FML

By iwearsilkgownstoeatwaffles - 12/8/2013 14:30 - United States - Mabank

57750

4392

Today while I was about to go into the shower, my mom walked in on me while I was naked. She looked down and asked me if I was cold. FML

By Anonymous - 14/12/2019 14:00

Just a question

1959

234

Today, I submitted my big assignment to my teacher at 1:55pm. The deadline was 2pm. She rejected it, because her watch read a few minutes after 2pm, and she maintains that the time on her watch is the "real" time. FML

By WatchOut - 16/8/2013 16:04 - Singapore - Singapore

49723

13021

Today, my girlfriend decided it was logical to accuse me of cheating because of the hundreds of emails I had from women wanting to meet up with me for sex. She had been looking in the "Spam" folder. FML

By fresh single - 3/4/2016 07:53 - United States - Pomona

23504

2262

Today, my car broke down. My dad insisted he could fix it, but screwed up in the process. After finally getting the car towed to a mechanic, I was told that I'd only needed a new water pump, but thanks to the damage my dad did, fixing it all will cost me a small fortune. FML

By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 16:10 - United Kingdom - Godalming

43744

3752

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

By crystalpistol - 16/8/2010 02:15 - United States

33779

16245

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2016 12:51 - Australia

35266

18300

Today, a German guy came into the place where I work. Eager to use the German that I'd learned from my immigrant mother and her family, I started a conversation. Things were going well until the term I grew up thinking meant "Africa" turned out to be racist, translating as "Ape Land." FML

By Jan - 27/2/2013 04:50 - United States - Ann Arbor

33144

4288

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

By Anonymous - 7/5/2012 23:52 - United States - Yucaipa

21084

4240

Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML

By - 8/2/2017 14:00 - United States

5536

1102

Today, I shaved off half of my right eyebrow by accident. It still looks better than my left eyebrow. FML

By Ibrowtheedge - 16/8/2018 20:30

2286

443

Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML

By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 04:34 - United States

35474

2966

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 08:54 - United States

24318

9538

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

By ewewew - 24/9/2009 22:10 - United States

54308

4745

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

By SleeplessInSoCal - 9/8/2010 06:18 - United States

37904

3268

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said "you know I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses". FML

By losingstreak - 31/1/2009 20:47 - United States

10139

37641

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

By UghDude - 6/9/2014 13:35 - United States - Austin

42115

3256

Today, I had to remove a splinter from one of my roommates. This would have been better if the splinter wasn't deeply lodged in their asscheek. FML

By "Naomi Lacelle" - 3/4/2017 02:00

4691

369

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

By Hank Gummyworm - 16/6/2011 06:37 - United States

38987

4333

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

By Nasty - 25/4/2016 16:59 - United States - Tallahassee

12796

1332

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

By Dweeb - 2/10/2019 18:00

WOOF!

1039

600

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML

By Anonymous - 23/6/2018 19:00

Professional.

4309

278

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

By NotYourCopyEditor - 6/5/2019 22:00

1734

161

Today, I went to a museum that had exhibits of wax people in the hallways. We were taking pictures of what we thought to be a waxwork old lady. Turns out she was real. FML

By yourmom - 21/9/2010 05:46 - United States

24917

9486