Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

1942

Today, I won a gruelling fitness competition, only to find out the mystery prize was a voucher to get 10 free spray tans. I'm black. FML

Ambien conversations are the worst

Toxic people

Deadbeat

By disappointedjamaican - United Kingdom - Coventry

52684

4332

Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML

By Lulu - United States - Imperial

41156

2367

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

By Owned - Taiwan

7893

28211

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

By cat cat

3921

459

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

By Anonymous - United States

90294

5813

Today, I had a miscarriage. My partner doesn't understand why I'm upset, saying, "It wasn't even a real baby yet." FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 23:59 - New Zealand - Wellington

Empathy

1467

108

Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML

By fuuu. - Hong Kong

23186

2553

Today, I got back from a three week trip in the Alaska back-country. I survived climbing fatally steep mountains, white water rafting in a freezing glacier river, and a near bear attack. Despite all that, a badly thrown frisbee managed to split my eyebrow in half. FML

By Gabby125 - United States

27559

4282

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Musicians suck

40117

3550

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

By Getmeoutofhere - Australia

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

4264

1044

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

By poorclubgoer - United States

29604

5896

Today, my downstairs neighbor is single, clever and incredibly hot, while the upstairs neighbor is loud and obnoxious, not to mention a creep. I silently prayed every day for my neighbor to leave the building, and today, my prayer was answered: my neighbor moved out. Guess which one. FML

By OhCanada

1503

255

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

By Katrina641 - France

22403

4339

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time, the one day my period came early. He thought it was a sign from God and thinks we're going to hell. FML

By anonymous - United States - Manchester

24628

3177

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

By shit streak

KoBabe

2185

195

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

By ColdHeat - United States

46205

4622

Today, after saying I'd edit and revise a coworker's report so he could go home and spend his anniversary with his wife, he sent me a file. Upon opening it, it was pictures of men wearing strange fetish gear while being dominated. He has yet to send me the correct file and I'm scared to ask. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

26797

1969

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

653

192

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Dublin

43502

5866

Today, my girlfriend and I were role playing when her mum walked past the slightly open door, saw me, and chased me out of the house for stealing her baby's innocence. I was only wearing a red speedo. FML

By yeah - United Kingdom

14720

38769

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

By =( - Australia

37665

4138

Today, while having sex with my husband, I was tired so a lot more of a starfish than I usually am. My husband came sooner and harder than he ever had, and declared it the best sex we've had. FML

By WhyBother - 21/2/2021 05:02

Starfish

924

270

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML

By maxmess

12991

1104

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

By Maggie

Nice mental image

1570

296

Today, while lying in bed with my wife, I asked her if she still loved me. Her reply "Sometimes". This I know is true because she instantly rolled over and farted on my leg. FML

By yoked - United States

33106

4607

Today, I was holding in pee because i was so busy at work. When I finally got up to relieve myself, I pulled down my pants, sneezed at that exact moment and peed all over the bathroom floor. FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 11:02 - United States - White Plains

AKA taking a screenshot

1028

345

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

By elisimo - United States

20507

35659

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

Science teacher

2605

216

Today, while I was wearing a blue coat, a coworker asked me what color my coat was. Confused, I said, “...blue?” He and my other coworkers burst out screaming with laughter. Turns out he didn’t say ‘coat’ but ‘poop’. I work with a bunch of five year-olds. FML

By maya - 29/3/2021 20:01

Worst workplace ever

751

Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

By ksa - Poland - Katowice

24221

3014

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

By f my lifw - United States - King Of Prussia

37169

3012

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

By Sock_Muppet

2325

168

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

12155

927

Today, I got married to my girlfriend of three years. Her mother's Alzheimer's came into play at the wedding when she asked who I was. My bride-to-be couldn't stop crying. FML

By Firefighter Groom - 7/2/2021 23:01

And you are?

907

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said "hey" when he was next to me. He said, "the pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

By sillyrabbit - United States

8353

46321

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

By Voltron - United States

13738

37537

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

By yum yogurt - United States

28315

17084

Today, I still have no idea why I got married. All my wife does is drink Coke and watch TV. Perhaps the silver lining is that she's not doing coke in powder form. FML

By V.. - 8/11/2020 20:58 - South Africa

Bored

734

333

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

14890

18421

Today, I saw my unemployed 29-year-old son, who still lives with us, reading the work section of the newspaper and prayed that he was looking for a job. He was looking for the comics. FML

By JT - Canada

35196

13372