Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling...

By 733yoda - 28/6/2019 00:30

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1379

You deserved it

246

Favorite

Last dates

Basic Instinct

Not a cheating!

By Doomy - 7/1/2010 14:43 - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10247

You deserved it

29786

Favorite

By Jordan - 10/8/2018 14:00 - United States - Boulder

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I am into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2790

You deserved it

162

Favorite

By Remember the parking brake - 6/10/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10118

You deserved it

36939

Favorite

By mm - 12/11/2012 17:27 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31749

You deserved it

8923

Favorite

By Anonymous - 5/6/2019 00:01

Today, my 5-year-old figured out that if he has a mouthful of milk and he blows really hard, he can blow the milk out of his nose like twin fire hoses. I’ve washed the carpet twice in the past day, and my house still stinks of rotten dairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1727

You deserved it

211

Favorite

By minder97 - 17/10/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my sister had a friend for a sleepover. They filmed a video in which the friend was lying in my bed, singing. An hour after the girl went home, her parents called. She has lice, and had brought them to our house unknowingly. I can see each and every individual larva on my pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40460

You deserved it

2694

Favorite

By soulaar - 2/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23569

You deserved it

5314

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/5/2017 20:00

Today, after spending five months helping my husband lose a ton, he left me. Apparently, "fit people" should only have sex with "fit people". FML

I agree, your life sucks

5883

You deserved it

475

Favorite

By MC - 14/5/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27557

You deserved it

56618

Favorite

By sadparty - 6/11/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I suffered a mental breakdown. I told my roommates about it, and they decided to throw a very loud party while I was sobbing in my room, unable to sleep. My Xanax prescription ran out, I have no more sick days, and I have to wake up in two hours to work a ten hour day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37992

You deserved it

7486

Favorite

By the forgotten one - 30/1/2012 03:01 - United States

Today, my grandfather sent everyone in my family an email thanking them for the photo we got him. I'd bought the frame, edited the picture, and delivered it to him. All everyone else did was show up and complain while the picture was being taken. I'm the only one who didn't get a thank you email. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34906

You deserved it

2306

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/9/2012 18:06 - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38459

You deserved it

7482

Favorite

By brannonjames - 10/5/2012 22:20 - United States

Today, I was getting coffee with my aunt, and she asked me to pay. She then turned to the Barista and said, "He's never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to show him that they take your money." The Barista laughed so hard she had to excuse herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26294

You deserved it

2314

Favorite

By oopsies - 8/1/2010 01:07 - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27743

You deserved it

5400

Favorite

By whyme - 12/4/2017 22:00

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4315

You deserved it

325

Favorite

By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 21:49 - United States

Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36085

You deserved it

6752

Favorite

By obnum - 24/5/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39070

You deserved it

45729

Favorite

By sales ham - 6/3/2013 05:44 - United States

Today, I was reciting lines for a play that I'm in. It was going great, until I realized that I was actually reciting my scripted sales pitch from my telemarketing job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26192

You deserved it

7911

Favorite

By Eodowoiono - 6/8/2013 16:20 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49198

You deserved it

4576

Favorite

By hopeless - 3/10/2014 21:13 - Canada

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35734

You deserved it

2922

Favorite

By rejecteddd - 4/7/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39812

You deserved it

5058

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, it was easter and I thought it might be fun to look for eggs with my little brother. My parents told me to take the ones in the higher places that my brother couldn't reach. All of his eggs were filled with candy or money. Each one of mine had a note saying 'maybe when you lose weight'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

74689

You deserved it

9522

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 23:12 - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55724

You deserved it

4932

Favorite

By Anonymous - 17/4/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19135

You deserved it

78407

Favorite

By kittens go meow - 15/2/2012 00:35 - United States

Today, I received a cute letter in my locker. It was in German, so I used Google translate. Apparently, someone hopes I choke on big fat cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33710

You deserved it

3516

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/12/2017 19:00

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4507

You deserved it

334

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/12/2016 17:09 - United States - Orange Park

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9681

You deserved it

647

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 17:18 - Philippines

Today, I wanted to do something special for my upcoming second anniversary with my girlfriend, so I decided to make a short animation of our lives together since we were preschoolers. In the middle of working on the storyboard, she called and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37587

You deserved it

3189

Favorite

By emilygreeny - 18/6/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13437

You deserved it

56934

Favorite

By alone and horny - 20/6/2020 20:01

Some people just don't like surprises

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1547

You deserved it

1408

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 20:07

Today, I spilled grape juice on my new white shirt. I bleached it and scrubbed it until there was nothing left to see. I threw it on, ready to dart out of the door, when my dad walks in after fixing the lawnmower and puts his greasy hand right on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1856

You deserved it

135

Favorite

By kl - 26/10/2009 06:15 - Canada

Today, after waiting a couple weeks, I finally slept with this guy I really like. It went like this: 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi, done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24985

You deserved it

4745

Favorite

By AsshatUncle - 30/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23206

You deserved it

1418

Favorite

By tattooed - 30/11/2010 15:50 - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39453

You deserved it

3711

Favorite

By SisterOfTard - 10/11/2014 16:31 - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47313

You deserved it

4672

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/3/2015 09:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30841

You deserved it

4048

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26407

You deserved it

4237

Favorite

By MyLife - 3/3/2019 12:00

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2466

You deserved it

167

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/7/2014 15:58 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38471

You deserved it

22176

Favorite

By sadsadteacher - 5/12/2016 21:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to tell some of my students to stop eating glue. I teach high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9364

You deserved it

658

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7816112 - Friday 28 June 2019 0:48

If you’re completely out of toilet paper, that would be exciting for you.

And disgusting for the rest of us.

By katiepda | 11

#7816124 - Friday 28 June 2019 2:02

that's too funny Amazon delivered my toilet paper today and I was just thinking I wonder if anyone else orders toilet paper in Amazon lol

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7816112 - Friday 28 June 2019 0:48

If you’re completely out of toilet paper, that would be exciting for you.

And disgusting for the rest of us.

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7816120 - Friday 28 June 2019 1:48

why would you but toilet paper from amazon??

katiepda | 11

#7816126 - Friday 28 June 2019 2:03

I do.

RichardPencil | 28

#7816129 - Friday 28 June 2019 2:58

Because he’s a fiscally responsible asswipe.

By katiepda | 11

#7816124 - Friday 28 June 2019 2:02

that's too funny Amazon delivered my toilet paper today and I was just thinking I wonder if anyone else orders toilet paper in Amazon lol

By nerd102 | 19

#7816147 - Friday 28 June 2019 5:28

Honestly, that’s pretty awesome.

By shenell_ferguson | 3

#7816160 - Friday 28 June 2019 7:06

why would you buy toilet paper from amazon when you could go to the a nearby store?😂🤣

By Abbusser | 9

#7816595 - Saturday 29 June 2019 16:35

Sounds like you've got quite a bit of work ahead of you...