Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless...

By peachykeen - 15/2/2016 01:05 - United States - Savannah

Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML

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Intimacy

Who's a good boy?

Headache

Creepy

By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

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By elite - 19/1/2012 21:59

Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML

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By SonOfaSpy - 18/7/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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By Robert - 31/12/2018 09:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML

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By well great. - 17/5/2013 22:28 - United States - Pascagoula

Today, my friend told me she'd lost her notebook filled with crucial notes for our finals. She asked if she could borrow mine and copy my notes. She then lost my notebook too. FML

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By pinkfloyd777 - 20/12/2010 16:15

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's parents offered her a trip to Europe if she dumped me. She accepted, and broke up with me. Her parents were lying. FML

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By -___- - 29/9/2013 19:46 - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By ugh - 23/9/2009 19:32 - United States

Today, I found a video camera behind a plant in my bedroom. My husband uses it to video tape himself having sex, with another woman. FML

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By wtf - 29/11/2010 16:05 - United States

Today, my parents went to the Cayman Islands, leaving me at home in freezing Iowa. Also, even though I never get into trouble, they don't trust me enough to be home on my own. So they hired a babysitter to stay with me until they get back. I'm 17. FML

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By Payt - 19/11/2018 22:00

Today, the guy I have been seeing for 3 months said, "Sorry this isn’t going anywhere, but I want to stay friends because I wanna come back and hang out with your parents." He literally only stayed with me because I live on a farm. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 04:00

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 10:53 - France

Today, I was making my bed which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By Crunchy - 19/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2017 04:00

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk about how we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

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By Kevin - 29/12/2011 19:32 - France

Today, a friend told me over MSN that her father had died. Trying to express some solidarity, I went to send her a tearful smiley. I accidentally sent her the dancing pig animation instead. FML

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By ripo95 - 26/11/2008 06:18 - France

Today, I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn't shaved. FML

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By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2013 05:23 - United States

Today, I texted a girl I met at the bar last night. She accused me of being "fake" because she couldn't find me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter, then threatened to call the cops on me. FML

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By fme - 24/9/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I detest paying $12 for valet parking. I parked at Wal-Greens across the street in the only spot without a "patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2009 17:15 - United States

Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met. After I picked her up I asked her if she would like to get lobster. She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones. Confused I nodded. She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed. She was serious. FML

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By wasteoftime - 7/6/2017 20:00

Today, I went to a job interview. I never applied for the job, they'd sought me out, had a phone interview, and sent samples, all before the face-to-face interview. Turns out none of the people I met with had even read my resume or writing samples. I was told I might not be a good fit. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I went on what I thought was a date. After a wonderful night with a perfect gentleman, he told me how excited he is that he's moving in with his girlfriend next week, and thanked me for reassuring him that he doesn't want anyone but her. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2011 07:27 - South Africa

Today, I'm a student vet. Part of my holiday work is to gain experience working at a dairy. A cow came on to the platform for me to inject her udder. As I was bent over, she decided to take a dump. Onto my left eyeball. FML

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By religiunatic - 13/12/2013 17:09 - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

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By Junior - 26/1/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of my dad constantly hitting on her. Not because she was disgusted, but because she wants to date him. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 04:27 - United States - Panama City

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

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By ontherun2012 - 14/2/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 22:13 - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34 - United States - Lexington

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbor's attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

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By No one special. - 12/12/2010 05:28 - United States

Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML

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By familydisaster - 5/8/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

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By anonymous - 22/2/2011 07:07

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. FML

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By whathehell - 27/4/2013 08:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML

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By Disappointed Mom - 31/7/2016 20:31 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend told me he was too busy studying for finals, but that he'd take me out another day instead. He later drunk-dialled me from a party demanding a lift back home. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2014 15:37 - Australia

Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML

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Top comments

By Talis99 | 26

#6537349 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:18

More than I got.

By whatarethisss | 22

#6537353 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:19

I guess he was trying to get some action on Valentine's Day too.

Comments

By Talis99 | 26

#6537349 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:18

More than I got.

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6537377 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:42

Length or girth

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6537485 - Monday 15 February 2016 15:45

Maybe he meant the homeless guy was more charming than him and therefore gets more sex.

coops456 | 14

#6537502 - Monday 15 February 2016 16:10

I think you read this wrong too #20

Mahtari | 19

#6537510 - Monday 15 February 2016 16:28

Same

By Cadillac_kid_15 | 27

#6537350 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:18

Brain bleach

Ms_ValS | 27

#6537939 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 2:18

What more were you expecting from him? Come on he's homeless for God's sake. He did what he could OP.

By tintarroja | 31

#6537351 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:19

Better than nothing!

By whatarethisss | 22

#6537353 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:19

I guess he was trying to get some action on Valentine's Day too.

By JZY1989 | 23

#6537362 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:27

well at least it was something.

By A07 | 48

#6537365 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:30

sound like a great end to valentines day

fsomelife | 26

#6537366 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:32

A master of suspense!!

fsomelife | 26

#6537368 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:35

Ah, dammit, you edited your comment

By A07 | 48

#6537369 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:36

So next year it'll be two homeless guys?

By pandemonium307 | 10

#6537372 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:37

You sad because his was bigger?

By snarkytruth | 37

#6537375 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:39

At least he didn't accidentally hit you with some Valentine souvenir as you walked past to remember him by.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6537376 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:40

How romantic