Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless...

By peachykeen - United States - Savannah

Today, the most action I had on Valentine's day was a homeless guy pulling his dick out at me as I walked home from work. FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Age ain't nothing but a number

Zoom this, bitches!

By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year old woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Notting Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

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By tspence - United States - Genoa

Today, I found myself arguing with a 6-year-old over a game of tag. FML

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By 00sasori - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was on a bumpy bus ride and had to write a note, so I held my notebook against the bus window to steady my hand. An elderly woman then yelled at me, accusing me of drawing graffiti on the window. The bus driver kicked me off and I had to wait an hour in the rain for the next bus. FML

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By Bart - France - Lille

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piedmont

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

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By Zanquis

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

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By RaceCar - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

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By Cammi0 - United States

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

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By Fire_Princess16

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

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By poserpilot - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

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By a very unlucky dude. - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML

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By Playaaa - United States - Hollister

Today, I realized when I'm on my phone, I tend to play with my penis, even in public. FML

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15367

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By Yubi - Belgium

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

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By why me?? - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By Loveless - United States

Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry him doesn't mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML

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By Anonymous

Right Said Fred

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

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654

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the new security guard of my apartment building tackled me for "suspicious behavior" while I was taking a bag full of dirty kitty litter to the trash chute. He broke my arm and cause the trash bag to explode. When I got back from the hospital, I was fined for littering in the hallway. FML

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By digressions - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

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By HURP - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

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By figcurzyez - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

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By Anonymous

Priorities, dude

Today, my friend told me I was a terrible person and didn't care about our friendship. Why? Because I broke our Snapchat streak by working and sleeping, instead of being on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Munich

Today, I had to work late. Due to delayed trains and a missed connection, it was almost midnight when I finally got home. When I walked into the bedroom, I found my girlfriend wearing sexy lingerie and fast asleep. FML

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By assassinmaster

Today, I caught a lady attempting to steal a watermelon by putting it in her shirt. When I confronted her, she claimed to be pregnant and threatened to sue me and the store for discriminating against mothers. Nice try, but the watermelon fell out. FML

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By WTF, guys? - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, scarcely having time to look at myself, I quickly got dressed and went to work. Only when I got there and saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror did I notice that the colour and detail of my black lacy bra could easily be seen. I work for a construction company. Full of men. FML

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By shinymcface

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

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By FMluck - United States

Today, I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter than his and that at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said yeah, I just wish that your vag was the same way. FML

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By Brian - United States

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2020 23:00

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

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By Cody - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By B-rent - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

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By Beth - United States - Raleigh

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML

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By hesaidwhat - United States

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

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By hawtpinkpanties - United States

Today, my grandma gave me a gift (something she has never done before). I was so excited until I found out it was one of her overdue library books on dolphins. I feel so loved. FML

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By dickbag - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, my mom hates my grandmother (her mother-in-law) so much that she's trying to guilt me into not visiting her when I come home for Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be coming home for Thanksgiving in the first place, but my grandmother bought me the plane ticket. FML

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Top comments

By Talis99 | 26

#6537349 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:18

More than I got.

By whatarethisss | 22

#6537353 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:19

I guess he was trying to get some action on Valentine's Day too.

COMMENTS

By Talis99 | 26

#6537349 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:18

More than I got.

ColonelCusswords | 24

#6537377 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:42

Length or girth

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6537485 - Monday 15 February 2016 15:45

Maybe he meant the homeless guy was more charming than him and therefore gets more sex.

coops456 | 14

#6537502 - Monday 15 February 2016 16:10

I think you read this wrong too #20

Mahtari | 19

#6537510 - Monday 15 February 2016 16:28

Same

By Cadillac_kid_15 | 27

#6537350 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:18

Brain bleach

Ms_ValS | 27

#6537939 - Tuesday 16 February 2016 2:18

What more were you expecting from him? Come on he's homeless for God's sake. He did what he could OP.

By tintarroja | 31

#6537351 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:19

Better than nothing!

By whatarethisss | 22

#6537353 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:19

I guess he was trying to get some action on Valentine's Day too.

By JZY1989 | 23

#6537362 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:27

well at least it was something.

By A07 | 48

#6537365 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:30

sound like a great end to valentines day

fsomelife | 26

#6537366 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:32

A master of suspense!!

fsomelife | 26

#6537368 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:35

Ah, dammit, you edited your comment

By A07 | 48

#6537369 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:36

So next year it'll be two homeless guys?

By pandemonium307 | 10

#6537372 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:37

You sad because his was bigger?

By snarkytruth | 37

#6537375 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:39

At least he didn't accidentally hit you with some Valentine souvenir as you walked past to remember him by.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#6537376 - Monday 15 February 2016 12:40

How romantic