Today, the maintenance man for my building fixed my leaky sink....

By MartianTom - 14/4/2017 07:00 - United States - Evanston

Today, the maintenance man for my building fixed my leaky sink. As he headed out the door, I said, "Thanks, Gus!" He turned around and said matter-of-factly, "My name is Eli." I've been addressing him as "Gus" for the past year and a half. FML

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Miscellaneous

Goodbye Bill

Ghosted

Yappy neighborhood

By NickDrakeFan - 29/10/2013 01:57 - United States

Today, I overcame my stage fright and got up in front of a café audience with my acoustic guitar to sing a few of my songs. Some asshat kept yelling stuff like "NEEDS MORE COWBELL!" and "FREEBIRD!", which made me lose my nerve and flee. FML

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By collegestudent - 1/6/2019 12:00

Today, I was reading the seventh Harry Potter book at an airport. A woman asked me what I was reading, so I told her. She said, "Oh, so you have children?" Since I'm in my early twenties, I was taken aback and said no. She replied slower and louder, "Oh, so you have a childlike mind?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2014 18:29

Today, I told my boss I have a sore throat. He replied, "Well, don't take it so deep next time." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, I finally moved all my boxes into my new apartment. I was settling in when my alarm clock that was stashed in one of the boxes began ringing. Two hours and several boxes later, I still can't find it. FML

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By VedaLynn - 3/12/2012 23:01 - United States

Today, it's my 21st birthday and my dad has decided to take away my ID in fear that if I have even one drink to celebrate I'll become a raging alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 00:53 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

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By unitywoods - 27/3/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 11:10 - Latvia - Jelgava

Today, in the middle of examining me, my gynecologist suddenly took a sharp intake of breath and vomited on the floor. FML

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By lalalalainie - 13/10/2012 06:45 - United States - Fullerton

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By great 1st impression - 25/5/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

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By I already have one, thanks - 9/8/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

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By Anthony - 14/4/2016 23:15 - France

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 19:45 - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

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By IT_4_Hire - 10/5/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

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By so pray to ariel about it, dipshits - 30/11/2012 19:29 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, two of my friends condemned me for being "narrow-minded", because I couldn't help but laugh at the thought that someone would believe mermaids actually exist. FML

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By DrunkenShopper - 3/9/2012 05:24 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

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By hoops - 14/1/2011 20:34 - United States

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

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By notsexy - 28/7/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

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By No Action Fighter - 22/8/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

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By Tigerlily - 3/5/2017 22:00

Today, my cat thanked me for buying her a new litterbox by peeing in all of my plants. FML

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By Now What - 8/9/2016 17:04 - United States - South Otselic

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2016 21:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

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By anonymous - 2/7/2013 21:08 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I got shut in the walk-in freezer at work. I started banging on the door. My boss wouldn't come and open it because she didn't "play games". She thought I was kidding. FML

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By loon - 28/10/2008 11:13 - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 19:11 - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By Hairball - 10/12/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 13:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the family upstairs decided to play basketball. Indoors. At 3am. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 23:59 - United States - Eugene

Today, I knocked an old-school slide carousel off my desk, scattering nearly 100 individual slides everywhere, including the specific slides my professor asked me to digitally scan, which were placed carefully on top. None of them are numbered. FML

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By wdunn69733 - 11/10/2012 14:30 - United States - Macon

Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 01:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML

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By dantko - 1/1/2014 05:04 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2018 15:00

Today, my boyfriend's car broke down on the way to the gym, so he called his dad to give us a ride. On the way, his dad talked about how much he hates me and our relationship, as if I wasn’t sitting in the back seat directly behind them. FML

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By ivannooze - 29/7/2011 21:40 - United States

Today, the heat rash that has been devouring my side for the last week was revealed to be something much worse: shingles. FML

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By nicknack22 - 1/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

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By RachelDC - 3/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

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By MissNoFuture - 20/6/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he had been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous". We've been together over 2 years now. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 05:42 - United States - Calera

Today, when my husband asked me what the password to my new computer is, I told him it was the month and year of our marriage. He couldn't figure out the password. FML

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By Branski - 29/7/2011 00:27 - United States

Today, at a campfire, I whipped out my guitar to serenade this girl I like with a Nick Drake song. When I was done, she said it was nice, but that my singing voice sounds a bit like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. A couple of people nearby burst out laughing in agreement. FML

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Top comments

By extremereviews | 26

#7438866 - Friday 14 April 2017 15:00

Why didn't he correct you the very first time you got it wrong?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7438876 - Friday 14 April 2017 15:18

Start crying and say your beloved uncle who died was named Gus and he reminds you a lot of him.

He'll fell so sorry for you, he'll forget you're a dolt.

COMMENTS

By extremereviews | 26

#7438866 - Friday 14 April 2017 15:00

Why didn't he correct you the very first time you got it wrong?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7438876 - Friday 14 April 2017 15:18

Start crying and say your beloved uncle who died was named Gus and he reminds you a lot of him.

He'll fell so sorry for you, he'll forget you're a dolt.

By chantelle9294 | 19

#7438904 - Friday 14 April 2017 15:56

I guess you always thought he looked more like a Gus than an Eli

By CSSDimian | 6

#7438983 - Friday 14 April 2017 19:10

I know it's surprising, but not Every maintenance guy is named Gus. You know how stereotypes work, there are always exceptions to the rule.

By CSSDimian | 6

#7438984 - Friday 14 April 2017 19:10

I know it's surprising, but not Every maintenance guy is named Gus. You know how stereotypes work, there are always exceptions to the rule.

By Dreamer5393 | 21

#7439005 - Friday 14 April 2017 19:56

I had a friend who's name was William but I always forgot and called him Ben because to me he looked like a Ben so one day I finally explained it to him and he admitted he actually liked it. From then on his name was Ben for me.