Love: Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't... - FML

By seriously? - United States

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

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Season finale

Dementia or hate? You decide

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By jessybear777 - United States - Branson

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML

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By toomuchlove - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By sadie - 13/3/2021 23:01

They're all eggheads to me

Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML

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By Anonymous

Money Money Money

Today, as I was coming out of McDonald's, there was a street musician playing outside. He had his saxophone case open for money. I meant to give him a ten, and it wasn't until I got home later that I realized I'd accidentally given him a hundred-dollar bill. FML

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By Shamdog48 - United States

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

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By daniella101 - United States - Lacombe

Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By elite

Today, at school, I was scheduled to give a presentation to my class. As I arrived, my teacher said to me, "You're bleeding from the 120th pimple on your left cheek." FML

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By stupid drunk bitch - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

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By PukinFireman - United States

Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

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By R - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my teacher called a friend and me out of class and told us we had been reported for plagiarism because our answers to a problem were nearly identical, and he said that I shouldn't have shared my work. This for an assignment where significant marks were awarded for collaborating with peers. FML

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By ish - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in the parking lot right before a baseball game, then convinced me to still go to the game in tears. After the game, we were walking back to the car and he goes, "so, how about some break up lovin'?" FML

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By DQB - Canada

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML

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By perfectmoment - Canada

Today, I called my boyfriend to have a shoulder to cry on because my grandpa died. As soon as I told him, he started crying and telling me how much he missed his grandmother, who died six years ago. I spent the majority of the phone call listening to him wail. FML

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By ilovemypup

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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By badbirthday - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

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By DL06 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

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By Anonymous

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend returned from a 2 month internship in New York. As I saw him exit the plane, I imagined him running to me and kissing/spinning me around passionately like in movies. He got closer and closer, and as I opened my arms to embrace him, he runs past me saying, "BRB, I GOTTA TAKE A SHIT." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

The cliché is true

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

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By jking2z - United States

Today, I tried to boycott an 80's theme party by wearing my regular clothes. Everyone said they loved my costume. FML

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By rejected4555 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him, and I responded that we could do another kind of workout upstairs. He quickly said he'd rather just go to the gym. FML

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By Crap - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

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By teacher - United States

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

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By JB - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By moron - United States

Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a Youtube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

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By grossedout - United States

Today, while cleaning the house, I discovered that my husband has been making a little mountain of whatever he finds up his nose on the underside of our couch when he watches TV. FML

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By jfranklin - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML

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By lily

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

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By Crap - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said I had an abnormal amount of stool in me, and that I'd need to flush it out. I called my mom and told her what happened, to which she responded, "I always knew you were full of shit, I didn't need a doctor to tell me that." FML

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By windthroughmyflab - United States

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

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By AnnoyedandAutistic

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

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By

Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML

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By bex - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

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By Rachel - United States

Today, I found out my late grandfather left me a significant amount of money in his will. I thought it was weird because he always acted like he hated me. When I got the envelope, there was $500,000 inside, all in Monopoly money. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

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By ananymous - United States - Spencerport

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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Top comments

By BrandOldDucky | 0

#7475 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:31

What do you expect? You met him at a BAR. Not exactly a classy scene.

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7478 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:34

Why would you sleep with someone who makes out with other girls in front of you...this could only end badly

COMMENTS

By BrandOldDucky | 0

#7475 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:31

What do you expect? You met him at a BAR. Not exactly a classy scene.

Reply

gnattine | 11

#4936027 - Saturday 15 September 2012 20:43

My parents met at a bar and have been happily married for almost 22 years.

By nottelling | 0

#7476 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:32

Agreed with number 1..

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7478 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:34

Why would you sleep with someone who makes out with other girls in front of you...this could only end badly

By Betty7 | 0

#7489 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:45

1. Don't sleep with guys that make out with other girls unless you expect this to happen to you.

2. I'm in an 8 month relationship with a guy I met at a bar and we're happy. So there's hope out there!

By yay_fml | 0

#7494 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:47

Never expect to get into a serious relationship with someone from a bar. I have never met a single person who had a happy ending from that sort of meeting.

By behindenemylines | 0

#7506 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:58

I pick up women all the time at bars.... let the man have his fun and let the woman learn her lesson.

Reply

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5991389 - Saturday 28 June 2014 21:19

Aw... how cute... he thinks hes a big bad ladies man.

Reply

tayyymeds | 16

#6468152 - Monday 23 November 2015 6:43

You're my kind of people.

By WTF93_fml | 0

#7508 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:00

sorry i have to say it but remember what the cop in superbad said about meeting in bars

By genius_man16 | 0

#7521 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:11

You met this guy at a bar, have known him for a WEEK and are surprised?

By BrandOldDucky | 0

#7544 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:44

He doesnt sound like that great of a catch if you ask me... who cares??

By Edmund_Dantes | 0

#7627 - Thursday 26 February 2009 7:10

You're an idiot in every single line of that post.