Love: Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't... - FML

By seriously? - United States

Today, the guy I like told me in casual conversation that I shouldn't get mad at him if he makes out with other girls at the bar, he only does it when he's drunk, that he doesn't really like them. We've been sleeping together for a week now. He met me at the bar. FML

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There's no helping some people

Dangling modifier

Poker Face

By anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, while working as a barista, a customer yelled about her muffins and butter not being ready since she only had a "short time to eat". There were 7 tip giving customers ahead of her, but I rushed her order. She gave no tip and stayed for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 19:59

Iron Chef America

Today, I thought about trying something "new", so I put raspberry preserves and maple syrup on my waffles. It tasted like cough medicine. FML

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By Female - United States - Montebello

Today, I was excited to finally get an interview after being unemployed since getting out of the military nearly a year ago. Turns out, they weren't even interested in hiring me. They'd just never met a female Marine before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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By cachucy - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

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By middleagednurse

Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML

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By confusedphotographer - United States

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nixa

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I had to sit through an entire conversation where my sister and her boyfriend sent voice messages to one another, of their farts. FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By MyLegsHurt - United States - San Francisco

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

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By KaD

Today, I lost my dream job after a week, after being told, "When I hired you, I wasn't honest. I wasn't looking to hire an examiner, I wanted someone to replace me so I can retire in a year. I don't have time to train you for that." FML

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By sting

Winds of change

Today, I stepped on a glue trap for scorpions. Bare foot. There was a scorpion already caught on it. It wasn't dead. FML

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By could be an fml commenter - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got the chance to speak to some of the top academics in my field. I was so hungover that I couldn't remember the title of the Masters degree I've spent two years studying for, let alone make intelligent comments. I'm pretty sure the only thing I got right was my name. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while on vacation, I realized my parents and grandparents had been running off and doing quite a few errands lately. After doing some sleuthing, I discovered they were taking turns having blood-curdling sex in our other hotel room down the hall. FML

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By khaelian - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

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By agh marriage - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

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By sigh - Australia - Rockdale

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

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By EmbarrassedChild - United States

Today, I was at the store with my father. As we were leaving, he grabbed a baguette, put it by his crotch, and took a picture with his phone. I'm starting to feel like the parent here. FML

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By dirtyclothess

Today, my mom informed me that she doesn't wash my clothes anymore. Instead, she sprays them with Febreze to "save money". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 08:02

Hold the line

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

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By AdriBAMF - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By Anonymous

The Little Sperm That Could

Today, I found out I'm three weeks pregnant with a guy I've been dating for a month. I'm on the pill and we even used a condom. This baby must be some kind of superhuman. FML

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By Pooper scooper - Guam - Yigo

Today, I realized that my dog has more work experience than I do. He's a retired military working dog, and I have a Master's degree. FML

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By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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By milkysubstance - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the doctor's to find out why I was producing small amounts of milky liquid from my nipples, even though I'm not pregnant. When she asked me to show her, I squirted on her shirt. FML

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By Duped - United States

Today, I received the sweetest love letter from my boyfriend after having a bad day. After gushing about it and reading it to my friends, they said it reminded them of a letter that they'd seen online. He got it from a fill-in-the-blank love letter generator. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Powell

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

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By sleepy - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By khaoslife - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By lastalittlelonger - United States

Bragging

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By violated ._. - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By -__- - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

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By Poolfool

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

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By Grace

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

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By KennyDidIt - United States - Grand Bay

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

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By Sad ex-wife - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By lifesucks4me - United States

Today, I'm playing basketball with my little brother. After jokingly blocking his shot, he turns to me and says "You're a bitch." He's 6. After asking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy calls you that when you're not around." FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, I belched. In the middle of my wedding vows. FML

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Top comments

By BrandOldDucky | 0

#7475 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:31

What do you expect? You met him at a BAR. Not exactly a classy scene.

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7478 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:34

Why would you sleep with someone who makes out with other girls in front of you...this could only end badly

COMMENTS

By BrandOldDucky | 0

#7475 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:31

What do you expect? You met him at a BAR. Not exactly a classy scene.

Reply

gnattine | 11

#4936027 - Saturday 15 September 2012 20:43

My parents met at a bar and have been happily married for almost 22 years.

By nottelling | 0

#7476 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:32

Agreed with number 1..

By Aviva1313 | 0

#7478 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:34

Why would you sleep with someone who makes out with other girls in front of you...this could only end badly

By Betty7 | 0

#7489 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:45

1. Don't sleep with guys that make out with other girls unless you expect this to happen to you.

2. I'm in an 8 month relationship with a guy I met at a bar and we're happy. So there's hope out there!

By yay_fml | 0

#7494 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:47

Never expect to get into a serious relationship with someone from a bar. I have never met a single person who had a happy ending from that sort of meeting.

By behindenemylines | 0

#7506 - Thursday 26 February 2009 3:58

I pick up women all the time at bars.... let the man have his fun and let the woman learn her lesson.

Reply

Greenteamextreme | 16

#5991389 - Saturday 28 June 2014 21:19

Aw... how cute... he thinks hes a big bad ladies man.

Reply

tayyymeds | 16

#6468152 - Monday 23 November 2015 6:43

You're my kind of people.

By WTF93_fml | 0

#7508 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:00

sorry i have to say it but remember what the cop in superbad said about meeting in bars

By genius_man16 | 0

#7521 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:11

You met this guy at a bar, have known him for a WEEK and are surprised?

By BrandOldDucky | 0

#7544 - Thursday 26 February 2009 4:44

He doesnt sound like that great of a catch if you ask me... who cares??

By Edmund_Dantes | 0

#7627 - Thursday 26 February 2009 7:10

You're an idiot in every single line of that post.