Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago...

By Anonymous - 1/9/2012 00:49 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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Love

Relationships sink

Tidy your room

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By sleepy - 3/1/2011 02:58 - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, I was shopping at the grocery market and was next in line. Behind me was a woman who only had two items, so I nicely let her in front of me, as it looked like she was in a hurry. When she was all rung up, she decided to pay her $16.45 in loose change which needed to be counted out. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I was in gym class talking to a guy I like. My friend then decided to come up behind me and pants me, pulling down my underwear along with them. His only comment? "Someone needs to shave." FML

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By notsolucky - 28/8/2013 21:47 - United States - Stamford

Today, I won a lottery at my local grocery store. Excited, I went to claim my prize, only to discover it was a bottle of red wine. I'm a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

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By insomnia - 22/12/2011 15:23 - United States

Today, I was at work handling the cash register. It wasn't working correctly, so I apologized to the woman I was waiting on for the delay and explained, "The cash register's being a little retarded today." Then I noticed her clearly "special" adult son standing behind her. FML

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By purrykitty - 23/4/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, I tried to spice things up in the bedroom by making love to my husband in a tight leather corset. I ended up passing out. FML

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By Sleep. - 27/11/2014 07:06 - United States - Imperial

Today, I finally got time to take a nap. Later, my mom asked me if I was depressed because I didn't leave my room for 3 hours. She talked to my dad about it, and now my family thinks I'm depressed because I slept for 3 hours. FML

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By manlyman - 5/4/2009 13:32 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were having some fertilization problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said "mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML

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By Brie - 29/5/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML

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By jkmartinjk - 28/11/2012 04:58 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

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By Rizma - 27/11/2014 15:12 - France - Gr?ces

Today, I went off for a jog. Outside, I saw my really cute neighbour, so in an effort to appear sporty, I accelerated and kept my head up. As I got close, I smiled at him, just when a huge fly flew right up my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

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By FIM - 12/1/2017 15:18

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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By nancypants1124 - 13/6/2015 02:06 - United States

Today, I was joking around with my manager about faking an injury to collect Worker's Compensation. Then I actually slipped and sprained my foot, and now my manager thinks I'm lying. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 01:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

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By MAC - 13/1/2009 09:47 - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By wow kid just leave me alone - 15/9/2012 00:03 - United States

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

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By lizzy1843 - 26/1/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2011 20:31 - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2016 05:35

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

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By hopelessteej - 28/1/2013 13:55 - Australia - Sydney

Today, someone put a whole packet of glitter on the blades of my ceiling fan. Too bad I only noticed when I turned it on. FML

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By SOMAgirl - 6/7/2010 09:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

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By Lady Vulva - 19/9/2015 02:56

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

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By boo - 17/11/2014 03:07 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

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By Megara - 15/3/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By hamster cookie - 17/10/2009 21:08 - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By ipayyourbillsgorramit - 24/8/2012 23:29 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, after getting home from a twelve-hour shift at work, I got into bed and passed out. My mother soon woke me up, screaming that she could tell I was "fake sleeping" and ignoring her lecture on how I need to stop being so "lazy". FML

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By Cup_of___ - 26/11/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

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By lauren - 21/6/2016 19:06 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML

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By Damnit - 17/11/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that in my relationship with my significant other, the roles are switched. We went out for a nice dinner, I paid, and when we got home he "had a headache" and asked for an aspirin so he could go to sleep. FML

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By bad timing - 3/9/2019 15:01 - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

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By tbw - 12/1/2012 00:31 - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 14:26

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

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By Jac - 17/1/2010 19:59 - United States

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

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By paprikarulz - 1/7/2009 10:31 - Australia

Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML

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By :/ - 30/1/2016 07:45 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

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By onthetoilet - 4/1/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

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Top comments

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4884335 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

You may not know it, but you two have been going out for years.
It's just that most of the time, on your dates, she's hiding in the bushes.

By Corrupt_waffles | 13

#4884332 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

Well now you know why it would have been bad had you actually started consistently dating her. :/

Comments

By Corrupt_waffles | 13

#4884332 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

Well now you know why it would have been bad had you actually started consistently dating her. :/

mystashisgone | 6

#4884361 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:54

Love the reference to another fml. Works perfectly

yassminza | 0

#4884398 - Saturday 1 September 2012 10:13

#9 that was perfect.

rarrar321 | 3

#4884589 - Saturday 1 September 2012 13:10

Oh, the Aussies :)

ashlieelizabeth | 6

#4884690 - Saturday 1 September 2012 14:05

#9 What a great reference. Haha :)

walmartpaysme | 15

#4884878 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:16

Seriously, if you like a comment just thumbs up. Don't waste valuable comment space parroting the person in front of you.

Harpy20 | 24

#4885078 - Saturday 1 September 2012 16:17

Now that you know, please don't give crazy a baby.

MDTeddy | 13

#4885104 - Saturday 1 September 2012 16:42

She or her parents has to pay for your car. I'd go ahead and make it happen.

Futacy | 29

#4885139 - Saturday 1 September 2012 17:09

Bitches be crazy!

jillybee101 | 7

#4885478 - Saturday 1 September 2012 21:30

Sue her.

gc327072 | 29

#4885651 - Saturday 1 September 2012 23:24

If she's a crazy B, it's cause she wants the D. Hehe

fury1031 | 10

#5224547 - Friday 7 December 2012 22:42

OP, get that bitch arrested!

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4884335 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

You may not know it, but you two have been going out for years.
It's just that most of the time, on your dates, she's hiding in the bushes.

cynide | 13

#4884367 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:55

#2 Sounds like a keeper! ;D

IscoreOnU | 19

#4884518 - Saturday 1 September 2012 12:42

Mannnn bitches be trippin!

SCUBA_Diiver | 3

#4884883 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:18

What a phsyco bitch!

whosindahouse | 9

#4885338 - Saturday 1 September 2012 19:15

39- with a bat!

IscoreOnU | 19

#4885503 - Saturday 1 September 2012 21:49

Ahh 60 I got that reference

oicu812xD | 16

#4885786 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:01

Tech n9ne win

gc327072 | 29

#4886218 - Sunday 2 September 2012 3:04

Crazygirlfriend.jpg

By GlobalGenocide | 8

#4884337 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Haha! time to ring triple 000 and suggest she see's a shrink(after the police arrive or she'll start swinging at you).

rarrar321 | 3

#4884652 - Saturday 1 September 2012 13:39

Triple AAA?

seasonedtoast | 19

#4884921 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:35

Triple 0. Australian emergency number.

Drigr | 8

#4885085 - Saturday 1 September 2012 16:23

Tripple 000 and AAA? So ring up 000000000 and AAAAAAAAA?

nerobluerose | 10

#4885900 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:18

Your picture goes with the AAA part

By bizarre_ftw | 21

#4884338 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Well? Did you cheat?
Also, call the cops and get her forcibly medicated

boofgall | 16

#4884374 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:57

He just went on an 'awkward' date with her, I'd say there's no solid commitment there to cheat on her.

mystashisgone | 6

#4884377 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:57

Maybe I'm weird but unless he asked her out one "date" doesn't mean they are "dating"...but what do I know.

rarrar321 | 3

#4884592 - Saturday 1 September 2012 13:11

Not gonna lie, #4, your picture is exactly the kinda girl I pictured for being the cray cray....no offense.

wolfhausen | 7

#4885204 - Saturday 1 September 2012 18:01

Hahaha .. That's mean. But hilarious

By deadxwedding84 | 5

#4884340 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Seriously, go hit HER car with a baseball bat.

Khariau | 8

#4884350 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:49

Two wrongs don't make a right !

off_constantly | 8

#4884387 - Saturday 1 September 2012 10:06

17 - pointless but very true

Osito2011 | 9

#4884710 - Saturday 1 September 2012 14:17

Or you can lpoop on her door step everynight. Pray that she and her family gets the point and move far far away.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4884794 - Saturday 1 September 2012 14:45

IPoop?
Is that a toilet with a touch screen?

hopsinlove17 | 26

#4884854 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:09

#5, because that's mature-_- there are better ways to handle a situation like this

By ForS3ri0usn3ss | 0

#4884341 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Some girls are just "bat" crazy... Get it? But seriously... Hope you reported her because she clearly needs help

COOL__Coal | 12

#4884402 - Saturday 1 September 2012 10:15

I don't get it can you explain it?

sonicgreg | 12

#4885194 - Saturday 1 September 2012 17:52

Get it? No? Well its because she hit his car with a... Oh you do get it? Pretty funny eh? No?

By xiaodoggiie | 5

#4884344 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:43

Well it is a good thing you aren't dating her.

srgspartan117 | 8

#4888144 - Sunday 2 September 2012 19:11

Right imagine what happened if they dated..... Bat and and a car still meet together most likely earlier hahaha

By PleadingInsanity | 20

#4884348 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:44

I wonder what made the date awkward. Then again I can only imagine how that went considering the way she acted.

By notjustanybody20 | 9

#4884353 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:51

Bitches be crazy! :D. Maybe you gave off wrong signs at the date.. That led her to beleive that you were enjoying her company?! No? Then she is plain crazy! Runnnnn

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4884466 - Saturday 1 September 2012 11:17

RUN BITCH RUUUNNNNN

aaalllliiiii | 6

#4886152 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:35

Hey how do I hit you up? (i know what it means just can't find a button to message you) I'm from sydney

By jbones24 | 22

#4884365 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:55

STAGE 5 CLINGER. ABORT! ABORT!