Love: Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago...

By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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Love

You're my mommy now

Family issues

Smart

By mikeycoco

Today, I got motion sickness while having sex. FML

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By Droolgirl - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant. I was drinking some water when I noticed a hot guy eating alone at another table waving at me. I smiled back, but had forgotten to swallow the water so it dribbled out of my mouth all over my shirt. FML

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By mathii - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

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By NotThePotty - United States - San Francisco

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

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By Darkandcold - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, my dad learned that it's possible to power a lightbulb with a potato. Since then, he's been going around the house removing all the plugs from the wall and plugging them into potatoes instead. He's absolutely baffled as to why it won't work. FML

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By Rekt - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By Jason - United States

Today, I was finally able to hang out with a girl I really liked at a party. We had a great time and spent hours together. When I leaned in for a kiss at the end of the night, she stopped me and said that "you're a great guy, but we can't go out because you'll be bad for my social reputation." FML

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By Sorry babe - 29/11/2020 08:02 - United States - Hesperia

Lightweight

Today, I went out for drinks for the first since I stopped breastfeeding. I underestimated how low my tolerance had become and how strong the drinks were. My husband was stopped by two bouncers while trying to carry me to the car. They thought he'd drugged me. FML

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By NotSarahConnor - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

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By sciencesadness - United States - Lynnwood

Today, a robin flew into my window and died. My mom, being a biology teacher, thought it would be a great experience for my brother and me to dissect it on the kitchen table. She threatened to ground us if we didn't do it. FML

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By makdra

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

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22167

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By daisyann - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time. When the officer came up to my window, I immediately burst out into tears due to nervousness. He kept asking me for my licence and registration. Hysterical, I wasn't able to comply. He arrested me for not cooperating. FML

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By Mcwifi - United States - Elmhurst

Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML

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By menstruation nation - 11/8/2020 05:01

Freak out

Today, my boyfriend flipped out when he saw a period tracker app on my phone. According to him, chicks only use those when they want to know when they’re the most fertile so they can “baby trap” a man. I have irregular cycles. The app helps me know when I should or shouldn’t expect a period. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 01:08 - United States - Irving

Creepy

Today, the power went out so my family all stayed together in a one room to keep warm. I was on the bed against the wall and reached my hand down, only to find my panties tucked in the side of my brother's bed. Not one pair, but two. FML

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By 2k16 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that my dog had figured out how to open the fridge again. He'd helped himself to raw eggs and crab. FML

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By oooooops - United States

Today, I made a speech in front of my entire graduating class and their families, despite my fear of public speaking. It seemed to go well and I got a big round of applause at the end. Then I panicked and instead of waving, I lifted my arm straight out in a Hitler salute. FML

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By I will find you and I will fucking fuck y - United Kingdom - Falmouth

Today, I woke up from a short nap, only to find two waxing strips stuck to my eyebrows. I now have very little of my eyebrows remaining, and just as little idea which idiot in my family pulled this stupid excuse of a prank. FML

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By adc2502

That was short-lived.

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

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By Devon - United States

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

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35997

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By Justin - 25/7/2020 20:00

Awwww, how sweet!

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

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By lolwut - United States - Albany

Today, I saw my teacher using her phone in the middle of class, so to joke around with her, seeing as we're on pretty good terms, I said: "Using your phone in class? For shame." She looks me in the eyes and says, "Would it be ok if I told you I'm arranging my father's funeral?" FML

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By Thorin - United Kingdom

Today, I cut myself deeply with an expensive razor that advertised it's impossible to cut yourself with. Twice. Guess I always was an overachiever. FML

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By GeriGeriBoBeri - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car at a gas station. A man stopped to help me with a wire hanger. After about 20 min in the freezing weather, he was getting close to unlocking it when I looked over at the passenger door to see that it was unlocked. All the doors were unlocked but the driver's side. FML

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By potatohead

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

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By new dog - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

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By notthatkinkyanyway - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

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By 2classicNot2 - United States

Today, feeling social, I went to a bar. During a trip to the dimly lit restroom, I fixed my makeup, and carefully penciling my sparse eyebrows. After an evening of meeting new people, I went home. In my well-lighted restroom, I discovered that my eyebrow pencil was actually my bright red lip liner. FML

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By xobeachbabi428ox - United States

Today, I used a public bathroom. I hung my purse up on the hook on the door. Two minutes later, a hand reaches over the door and steals my purse. I got robbed while taking a crap. FML

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By Anonymus - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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By kkt - United States - Granbury

Today, my 15-year-old brother got busted for selling pills at school. The officer said they were reddish pink, so we searched the house for that kind of pill. Turns out it was my dog's medicine from over 4 years ago. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a car on the side on the highway with a popped tire. The driver didn't have a spare, so I nicely gave them mine. One hour later my tire popped. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Akron

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

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By nottananny - United States

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my apartment burned to the ground. I was packed and ready to move out tomorrow. FML

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By notsolucky - United States - Stamford

Today, I won a lottery at my local grocery store. Excited, I went to claim my prize, only to discover it was a bottle of red wine. I'm a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Salliemae - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend took my car on a 3-day vacation, stranding me in our extremely rural town. I have a box of ziti, a jar of expired pickles, no cable or Netflix, and no water since the well ran dry. Why am I here? "Someone needs to stay with the dog and feed the cows." FML

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By -__-

Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML

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By jxfc - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

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By apparentlyunattractive - United States

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

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Top comments

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4884335 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

You may not know it, but you two have been going out for years.
It's just that most of the time, on your dates, she's hiding in the bushes.

By Corrupt_waffles | 13

#4884332 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

Well now you know why it would have been bad had you actually started consistently dating her. :/

COMMENTS

By Corrupt_waffles | 13

#4884332 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

Well now you know why it would have been bad had you actually started consistently dating her. :/

mystashisgone | 6

#4884361 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:54

Love the reference to another fml. Works perfectly

yassminza | 0

#4884398 - Saturday 1 September 2012 10:13

#9 that was perfect.

rarrar321 | 3

#4884589 - Saturday 1 September 2012 13:10

Oh, the Aussies :)

ashlieelizabeth | 6

#4884690 - Saturday 1 September 2012 14:05

#9 What a great reference. Haha :)

walmartpaysme | 15

#4884878 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:16

Seriously, if you like a comment just thumbs up. Don't waste valuable comment space parroting the person in front of you.

Harpy20 | 24

#4885078 - Saturday 1 September 2012 16:17

Now that you know, please don't give crazy a baby.

MDTeddy | 13

#4885104 - Saturday 1 September 2012 16:42

She or her parents has to pay for your car. I'd go ahead and make it happen.

Futacy | 29

#4885139 - Saturday 1 September 2012 17:09

Bitches be crazy!

jillybee101 | 7

#4885478 - Saturday 1 September 2012 21:30

Sue her.

gc327072 | 29

#4885651 - Saturday 1 September 2012 23:24

If she's a crazy B, it's cause she wants the D. Hehe

fury1031 | 10

#5224547 - Friday 7 December 2012 22:42

OP, get that bitch arrested!

By SweetAsHell | 9

#4884335 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:38

You may not know it, but you two have been going out for years.
It's just that most of the time, on your dates, she's hiding in the bushes.

cynide | 13

#4884367 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:55

#2 Sounds like a keeper! ;D

IscoreOnU | 19

#4884518 - Saturday 1 September 2012 12:42

Mannnn bitches be trippin!

SCUBA_Diiver | 3

#4884883 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:18

What a phsyco bitch!

whosindahouse | 9

#4885338 - Saturday 1 September 2012 19:15

39- with a bat!

IscoreOnU | 19

#4885503 - Saturday 1 September 2012 21:49

Ahh 60 I got that reference

oicu812xD | 16

#4885786 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:01

Tech n9ne win

gc327072 | 29

#4886218 - Sunday 2 September 2012 3:04

Crazygirlfriend.jpg

By GlobalGenocide | 8

#4884337 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Haha! time to ring triple 000 and suggest she see's a shrink(after the police arrive or she'll start swinging at you).

rarrar321 | 3

#4884652 - Saturday 1 September 2012 13:39

Triple AAA?

seasonedtoast | 19

#4884921 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:35

Triple 0. Australian emergency number.

Drigr | 9

#4885085 - Saturday 1 September 2012 16:23

Tripple 000 and AAA? So ring up 000000000 and AAAAAAAAA?

nerobluerose | 10

#4885900 - Sunday 2 September 2012 1:18

Your picture goes with the AAA part

By bizarre_ftw | 21

#4884338 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Well? Did you cheat?
Also, call the cops and get her forcibly medicated

boofgall | 16

#4884374 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:57

He just went on an 'awkward' date with her, I'd say there's no solid commitment there to cheat on her.

mystashisgone | 6

#4884377 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:57

Maybe I'm weird but unless he asked her out one "date" doesn't mean they are "dating"...but what do I know.

rarrar321 | 3

#4884592 - Saturday 1 September 2012 13:11

Not gonna lie, #4, your picture is exactly the kinda girl I pictured for being the cray cray....no offense.

wolfhausen | 7

#4885204 - Saturday 1 September 2012 18:01

Hahaha .. That's mean. But hilarious

By deadxwedding84 | 5

#4884340 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Seriously, go hit HER car with a baseball bat.

Khariau | 8

#4884350 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:49

Two wrongs don't make a right !

off_constantly | 8

#4884387 - Saturday 1 September 2012 10:06

17 - pointless but very true

Osito2011 | 9

#4884710 - Saturday 1 September 2012 14:17

Or you can lpoop on her door step everynight. Pray that she and her family gets the point and move far far away.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4884794 - Saturday 1 September 2012 14:45

IPoop?
Is that a toilet with a touch screen?

hopsinlove17 | 26

#4884854 - Saturday 1 September 2012 15:09

#5, because that's mature-_- there are better ways to handle a situation like this

By ForS3ri0usn3ss | 0

#4884341 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:39

Some girls are just "bat" crazy... Get it? But seriously... Hope you reported her because she clearly needs help

COOL__Coal | 12

#4884402 - Saturday 1 September 2012 10:15

I don't get it can you explain it?

sonicgreg | 12

#4885194 - Saturday 1 September 2012 17:52

Get it? No? Well its because she hit his car with a... Oh you do get it? Pretty funny eh? No?

By xiaodoggiie | 5

#4884344 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:43

Well it is a good thing you aren't dating her.

srgspartan117 | 8

#4888144 - Sunday 2 September 2012 19:11

Right imagine what happened if they dated..... Bat and and a car still meet together most likely earlier hahaha

By PleadingInsanity | 20

#4884348 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:44

I wonder what made the date awkward. Then again I can only imagine how that went considering the way she acted.

By notjustanybody20 | 9

#4884353 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:51

Bitches be crazy! :D. Maybe you gave off wrong signs at the date.. That led her to beleive that you were enjoying her company?! No? Then she is plain crazy! Runnnnn

TheEpicMilkMan | 13

#4884466 - Saturday 1 September 2012 11:17

RUN BITCH RUUUNNNNN

aaalllliiiii | 6

#4886152 - Sunday 2 September 2012 2:35

Hey how do I hit you up? (i know what it means just can't find a button to message you) I'm from sydney

By jbones24 | 22

#4884365 - Saturday 1 September 2012 9:55

STAGE 5 CLINGER. ABORT! ABORT!