Love: Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie....

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

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Love

Dementia or hate? You decide

Management

Great parenting, mom

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML

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By Carl - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By needurlove - United States - Sandpoint

Today, I introduced my Spanish friend to a girl I've had a crush on for a long time. Because he only spoke Spanish and she only spoke English, I was the translator. The first thing he said to her was, "You are really pretty." I translated it as "I like other men." Later, they found out. FML

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By awkwardpanda

Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my step mom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a step mom. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Genova

Today, I got stuck in the elevator at work. When I was finally let out, my boss decided I shouldn't get a lunch break, because I'd already had over an hour off work while in the elevator. I had to starve through 5 more hours of work. FML

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By MenstruallyFrustrated - United States - Surprise

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

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By deflated - Ireland

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

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By whatsmccraken - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a rehearsal for a musical I'm in. I've worked my arse off to get the songs I sing in place and sounding good. Unfortunately, my coworkers haven't. Now the director wants to cut the songs I'm in because, "the people you're working with make you look shit." FML

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By IDPlease

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally met the cute guy I've been seeing around town. Bad news is, I was drunk off my ass, and when he told me his name, I burst out laughing because it's the same as my puppy's. He did not take it well. FML

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By silkytaco - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lyons

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By Sous_Chef - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tulsa

Musicians suck

Today, in my job as an assistant at a music venue, I had to get posters signed by that night's performer. When I walked into the dressing room, I was told, "unless you're sucking my cock then get the fuck out of here" and had the posters slapped out of my hands. It's my job to deal with these pricks. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

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By Embarressed... - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's best friend. She was a girl he's known for years, and I respected that. She was sweet, until my boyfriend went to the bathroom and she threatened to stab me if I don't leave him. He doesn't believe me, and accused me of having serious jealousy issues. FML

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By openmouthinsertfoot - United Kingdom

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

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By HereToLaughAtU - United States - Des Moines

Wait, what?

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

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By Yudansha - Canada

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

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By gir - United States

Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML

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By Mr.Hoof-In-Mouth

Today, I was talking to a customer needing IT help. I make small talk about how my birthday is on the same day the Boy Scouts were formed, and I tell the customer I am sure something interesting happened on his birthday. He gets quiet, then gives his birthday. September11th. Cue the long silence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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By coughandcold - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 23:02

FEED ME

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

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By babyscarface - United States - Orange

Today, I was grabbed and romantically kissed at the crowded carnival. Unfortunately, it was not by my husband but instead it was a complete stranger, in front of my husband and children. Now, my husband will not talk or believe that I didn't know the man, and my children think I'm a cheater. FML

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By fryebaby623 - United States - Vero Beach

Snap!

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By mylovelifeisanepicfail - United Kingdom - London

Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML

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By megatron - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered everyone at work refers to me as 'The Man-Lady'. I work in a supermarket's beauty department. FML

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By momaaa1342 - United States - Elmwood

Just a prank, again

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

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By onthemarket - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

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Top comments

By iknow_fml | 0

#247572 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:45

dont worry, Shell Want you even more now.

By christoper | 0

#247618 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:56

She probably thought it was cute.

Also, don't ever watch Bambi.

COMMENTS

By Futt_Buck | 0

#247568 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:44

Way to show off!

ERICA833 | 0

#1058763 - Saturday 3 July 2010 18:57

I personally like sensitive guys and would like u more for crying at an extremely sad part such as that

AriettaX | 15

#6071327 - Monday 22 September 2014 13:57

Ahh **SPOILER ALERT!**!! Thanks a lot op!

By Static_fml | 0

#247569 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:44

Oh cmon you're a guy... And it wasn't Bambi xD

Sux to be you anw

Macromartyr | 3

#1037963 - Monday 21 June 2010 9:20

Bambi was so sad, but so was lion king! What the hell drives Disney to be so upsetting...

sexybeastwon | 0

#1281080 - Saturday 21 August 2010 21:13

this is a re
post

By iknow_fml | 0

#247572 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:45

dont worry, Shell Want you even more now.

Duckzy | 16

#6153201 - Wednesday 24 December 2014 19:51

Shells love a sensitive man

By o_m_g_joe | 0

#247582 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:46

hey dude forget it chicks dig a sensitive guy next time pick a comedy

By Insert_Wit_Here | 0

#247583 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:46

How is this a FML? That's a sad part. Awesome movie too, if it was your choice she'll probably be impressed.

By Antonio718 | 0

#247587 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:47

Thats a turn-on to girls!

By AnneFTW | 17

#247593 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:48

YDI for being such a wimp.
& btw @ #7 crying guys is NOT a turn on.

nightmaree_fml | 0

#1581051 - Thursday 21 October 2010 14:52

trueeee

jamieisreallymad | 0

#2245153 - Saturday 26 March 2011 17:39

no, crying is not a turn on. but girls do like a sensitive guy.

Takaska | 0

#2666140 - Sunday 12 June 2011 17:21

Well, little miss bitch, some girls LIKE a sensitive guy. I suppose you're one who enjoys a 'tough guy' who over-the-top-violently reacts to the littlest situation?

SheTheOtaku | 21

#5884411 - Friday 14 March 2014 7:44

If my guy doesn't have the more sentimental emotions, I ain't interested. The angry type isn't very attractive.

ColdSyrup | 9

#6519965 - Tuesday 26 January 2016 4:46

If you watch the Lion King and not get atleast a little stuffy your not human

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7595032 - Monday 5 February 2018 16:31

I can tell you've never seen the Lion King. I personally never cried during it, but it did depress me for awhile and I wouldn't blame anybody for crying during that part especially, it's supposed to be sad, and anybody who didn't cry or even feel any type of emotion during it is not a human being I would want to associate with.

By Antonio718 | 0

#247596 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:49

# 8 , i was being sarcastic...learn it...

By Shirschfield | 0

#247603 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:51

ha ha wimp

By tgm0112 | 0

#247609 - Sunday 31 May 2009 15:53

How could you cry at a Disney movie? Are you 12?

Man up.