Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when...

By why - 2/5/2016 20:08 - United States - Beachwood

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

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Work

Great boyfriend

Goodbye Bill

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous - 14/4/2017 00:00

Today, working midnight at a coffee shop, I had a customer set down his phone on the counter to pay. Screen up. Still playing his, "Ebony Rimjob" porn. FML

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By roofer - 31/7/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

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By cwhitney7 - 22/12/2014 15:04 - United States - Waltham

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

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By larouche362 - 8/6/2016 03:01 - United States - Weare

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I wouldn't make my senior quote, "I love my girlfriend more than anything." FML

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By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - 1/3/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

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By GlennGuagmire - 23/10/2016 06:23 - Saudi Arabia - Ras Tanura

Today, my wife and I were born on the same day, married on our birthday date. Today is our birthday and anniversary, and today we are getting divorced. FML

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By tickyette - 14/9/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's farm with my family. First I was pooped on by a goose, peed on by a puppy, bit in the face by the mother dog, fell through the floor of the barn loft, and without knowing it was electric, rested my hand on the horse fence. FML

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By GonnaGetFired - 31/3/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 21:40 - United States - Lusby

Today, my boss made me play golf with some executives of a company we're hoping to secure a business deal with, despite me having no golf training. My first swing ended up with me being rushed to the hospital. FML

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By TitMunch - 23/10/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, at my mom's wedding, I tripped as I was walking down the aisle. I was holding the train of her dress. It ripped. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2014 02:26 - United States - San Luis Rey

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

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By tamralee - 25/10/2019 04:00

We've all done it

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

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By ThanksAsshole - 28/3/2020 20:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 19:52 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I overheard someone at the mall telling his friend, "So I'm going in for a brain scan." Trying to be funny, I piped up, "Better hope they find something!" Turns out that had been the end of his sentence, and the scan is to see if his cancer has spread. FML

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By seminole711 - 20/9/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I put my sexiest lingerie on, lit candles, put some sensual music on, and got my bed ready to surprise my boyfriend when he came home. I positioned myself in the sexiest pose possible. He came home and didn't come in my room for 20 minutes because of a football game. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 21:15 - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2014 13:29 - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2015 00:18 - Netherlands

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

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By Kilimanjaro - 3/4/2012 04:41 - France

Today, the war against the pigeons on my veranda reached a new level. To try and get them to clear off, I gave my window pane a short, sharp knock. It broke into several shards, and not one of the totally oblivious birds moved. Pigeons 1, Me 0. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2011 19:16 - United States

Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

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By RAB - 18/7/2020 02:02

Lovin' it

Today, as the manager of a McDonald's, I had to ask a group of high school kids to calm down after several complaints from other guests. Their rational response was to pour soda on my head and throw burgers at me. Upon returning from chasing them out, I sprained my foot. FML

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By Micheal - 23/11/2009 03:59 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up me with for being the "perfect boyfriend". Apparently I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and she didn't know how to take it. So she dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2009 02:44 - Canada

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost 6 years has put me in debt over $33,000. FML

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By herestowaiting - 30/8/2016 20:56 - United States - Detroit

Today, I'm officially a week overdue. I went to the hospital, thinking I was in labor since I was in so much pain. Turns out it was just gas. The nurse couldn't hold back her look of pity as she told me this. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 23:09

Today, I saw that my ex-boyfriend was online and had no plans. I felt extreme happiness knowing he had no life. Then I realized that I was online and had no plans. FML

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By onlyme - 25/10/2012 02:36 - United States

Today, my friend and I were walking home when we saw a patch of wet cement. Taking a page out of every single Disney movie ever made, we wrote our names in it. What Disney movies don't show is when the neighbors tattle on you and you have to pay $500 to get the cement redone. FML

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By ScorpioQueen - 21/9/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I decided not to park in the parking garage on campus, in an attempt to save the $8 it would have cost me. Instead, I parked in a surface lot (about a mile away) and got a $50 parking ticket for not having a permit to park there. FML

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By shelbylove115 - 22/2/2013 05:35 - United States - Nevada City

Today, I walked into my near pitch-black bathroom and saw a person staring back at me. I woke my whole family up with my screams. The person was my reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 08:08

Warm up guy

Today, it seems that my four previous girlfriends all left me because they found better, more attractive, more wealthy, more interesting men. My entire love life feels like I’m the warm up act for the main event of other dudes getting laid. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2016 00:53 - United States - Taunton

Today, I worked such a long shift at Panera that when my boyfriend called later, I answered, "It's a fresh day at Panera Bread in [town], this is [name] speaking. How may I help you?" He thought it was hilarious. FML

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By now afraid... - 3/4/2016 17:28 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 01:33 - Australia - Liverpool

Today, early in the morning, I got a knock on the door from the police. It seems my son and his friend had been caught throwing toilet paper at a neighbour's house. He's 23. FML

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By jerk - 24/6/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, my friend decided to come clean to his parents about his pot usage. He told them that he did it with me on many occasions. His parents decided it would be the right thing to call my parents. Thanks a lot asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2013 20:56 - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By anonymous - 21/8/2012 23:17 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2009 14:20 - United States

Today, my mother told me she's disappointed in me for not going to a better college, and that if I was in the top ten of my class that the rest of those ten must be really dumb. Fact is, I threw away the acceptance letters to Carnegie Mellon and Cornell because I didn't want her to have to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 12:41 - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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Top comments

By cocacola999 | 27

#6595671 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 9:59

They probably thought that if they could make the manager believe that, they wouldn't have to pay for their food and maybe they'd even get another free meal for their "suffering". Unlikely that the daughter was even allergic.

Yes, some people suck.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6595664 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 9:49

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. They are just too dumb.

COMMENTS

By TheEpicKitten | 20

#6595662 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 9:44

Did they at least tip?

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6595664 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 9:49

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce. They are just too dumb.

Mathalamus | 24

#6595691 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 10:54

they already reproduced...

DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6595693 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 10:59

do people really do this sort of thing? that's low.

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6595738 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 12:39

#10 Being a parent is a big responsibility, and if you're beyond stupid like the family in this FML, you don't deserve that responsibility.

By LostInTheZone11 | 28

#6595669 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 9:54

I'm a little perplexed by this one. Did they know she was allergic or did they not know and she had a reaction, and they blamed you like you were supposed to be a medical psychic on her allergies?

Shade1982 | 20

#6596715 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 12:37

It's in the US. You know, the country where a guy with a nut allergy can eat a bag of peanuts and still sue the company for not warning him peanuts are nuts...

By cocacola999 | 27

#6595671 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 9:59

By nadiabjensen | 15

#6595672 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 10:01

Some people just love arguing... Don't think about them. You did your job OP

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6595680 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 10:14

This situation sounds pretty fishy considering they knew their daughter was allergic to shellfish.

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6595692 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 10:58

Calamari is not shellfish. It's squid.

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6595742 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 12:41

Take your stupid puns and leave. Now.

TheGolfGTI | 24

#6595875 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 16:19

#15 When you think of a better fish pun...let minnow.

freddygasman | 18

#6596468 - Wednesday 4 May 2016 5:37

I'd like to know too. Just for the halibut.

By msmedieval | 11

#6595710 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 11:41

Did they even know what calamari was before they ordered it? Some idiots order "foreign sounding" stuff just to show off, regardless of whether they knew what it was or not.

Colon_Man | 17

#6595825 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 14:56

"Calamari? Is that like spaghetti?"

ham_spam | 17

#6595882 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 16:40

Omg lol

smokecloud_ | 37

#6596045 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 19:41

So true. I had someone order our beef carpaccio once. It's raw. When it came out the man asked me what the hell is this and when I explained, he said "Yeah we don't want this."