Miscellaneous: Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three... - FML

09/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 595

You deserved it 2 174

Mama's boy

Mother of the year

Opposites attract

01/03/2016 18:48 - United States - Smithfield

Today, while visiting my boyfriend to see his new puppies, I squatted down to pet one. The other began to lick my ankles profusely until I lost my balance and fell on him, breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 864

You deserved it 4 596

19/04/2015 16:34 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 435

You deserved it 5 097

07/09/2018 03:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 485

You deserved it 208

26/12/2012 14:32 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 463

You deserved it 3 853

07/12/2013 14:55 - Canada - Ottawa

Spicy

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 775

You deserved it 20 643

25/06/2019 22:14

Today, my mother-in-law told me to "just wait" until she gets home from her trip, because apparently, taking a vacation with her partner is more important than the birth of her first grandchild. Contractions started a few hours ago. Part of me hopes she misses it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 096

You deserved it 198

13/05/2019 14:00

Today, it's my 21st birthday. The only person who drank with me was my elementary school principal, who I happened to run into at a bar where we were the only two people there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 186

21/12/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 042

You deserved it 4 672

02/01/2010 07:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 964

You deserved it 4 666

04/01/2015 06:52 - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 443

You deserved it 2 457

19/01/2016 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 140

You deserved it 2 720

06/05/2009 06:04 - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 265

You deserved it 21 958

29/07/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 330

You deserved it 1 455

Is this a joke?

By Anonymous - 19/08/2020 23:02

Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 426

10/09/2012 06:06 - United States - Norwalk

Today, my 43-year-old brother's obsession with Breaking Bad reached a new level of stupidity when he nearly got us beaten up by a bunch of meth-heads down by our local park. He went up to them with his shaved head and stupid hat, and tried to act all Walter White with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 665

You deserved it 2 260

24/03/2012 02:30 - United States - Opa Locka

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 460

You deserved it 6 176

07/03/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 118

You deserved it 2 393

07/08/2015 15:16 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 580

You deserved it 5 765

15/11/2016 08:40

Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 507

You deserved it 1 285

13/05/2015 00:33 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I went to bring my 92-year-old neighbor some cake we had just made. When I walked in, she was wearing pants. That's it. I stared blinking in shock for a few seconds before running away, yelling, "So sorry. I brought you cake. Real tired. Gonna sleep now. Bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 949

You deserved it 3 555

09/11/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 770

You deserved it 49 087

12/06/2016 12:37 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 510

You deserved it 2 156

Frustrating!

By horny I’m so horny - 15/04/2021 17:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 302

You deserved it 237

20/05/2016 23:08 - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 047

You deserved it 1 084

26/03/2013 18:31 - United States - Staten Island

Today, after getting a new haircut, I decided to take a few photos. I set up my iPhone in my room and began posing. It wasn't until numerous shots later that I realized my phone had posted every picture to Facebook, and they were all over everyone's newsfeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 483

You deserved it 45 635

04/08/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 588

You deserved it 4 022

17/06/2011 21:24 - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 179

You deserved it 33 600

12/12/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 050

You deserved it 4 450

It's up there somewhere

By Anonymous - 15/09/2021 06:57 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Spicy

Today, it was the first time my fiancé and I have been able to have sex in the daytime for ages. We have 2 kids under 2 who take up most of our time, so when we had the opportunity, we grabbed a condom and pounced. Everything was going well until he pulled out… and left the condom inside. Now we can’t find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 233

You deserved it 173

13/05/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 251

You deserved it 91 792

17/08/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe... with my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 639

You deserved it 3 639

16/09/2013 05:35 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 977

You deserved it 2 694

16/01/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 057

You deserved it 21 728

05/05/2009 21:42 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 735

You deserved it 32 878

21/09/2009 19:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 460

You deserved it 26 799

29/05/2011 08:12 - United States

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 206

You deserved it 15 374

The Talk

By Ken - 10/05/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 781

10/03/2019 18:00

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 1 468

12/03/2010 16:39 - United States

Today, I decided to wear my Ugg boots to work. I forgot that my office is carpeted and that the fur in my boots makes me shock every metal thing I touch. I work with computers all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 762

You deserved it 35 914

11/06/2009 12:59 - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 119

You deserved it 4 186

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:07

Time to call the cops, and your insurance. All paid for, and the lady is punished. Not so bad now, is it?

Tearz 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:06

Lol, fail. Sue him though.

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Tearz 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:06

Lol, fail. Sue him though.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:49

ydi for being a new yorker :)

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Saturday 10 October 2009 5:49

no really. new yorkers suck.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 15:49

And your a faggot.

Reyo 2

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Sunday 11 October 2009 8:02

And you didn't kick his ass/take his ass to court? @28: what about his a faggot?

iazy9 14

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Tuesday 8 June 2010 2:07

LOL HAHA WTF #1 tf2 spy cat! pwnage

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 16:25

Yes you could sue.. and pay fees out the ass.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:07

Time to call the cops, and your insurance. All paid for, and the lady is punished. Not so bad now, is it?

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Saturday 10 October 2009 4:31

My old roommates ex-boyfriend did this to her car. He slashed her tires but there was no 'proof' it was him so even though we called the cops he was never charged with it. Oh and as for the bonus douchbagyness, instead of slashing my tires also, he poured a whole bag of suger in my gastank. Again no proof. I would have been glad to have my tires slashed, instead I had a cracked engine on a 1 year old car. $2000 to repair.

xanth 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 9:17

Yeah, if there is really no proof other than motive then you can't do anything "legally". Find from the girlfriend where he lives though and get some eye-for-an-eye action going.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 18:13

YDI. Seriously. You left the filler cap of your car unlocked/open? No pity, thats just stupid.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 20:27

Most gas caps don't have locks on them, you dumbass.

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Saturday 27 November 2010 7:33

most cars don't have locks on their gas caps or gas doors

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Friday 21 September 2012 11:50

....which is why I have surveillance cameras on my property.. :)

BecauseIAmBatman_fml 22

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Thursday 16 October 2014 22:45

"The lady is punished" well the ex boyfriend did it so why should she be punished

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:10

Why the hell did he do that? Idiots these days...

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:12

anger management much...!? xD

Bright_Lights 14

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:21

Pyscho...

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:45

Wow, definite FML!

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Saturday 10 October 2009 1:56

that is also a FHL. i mean she's getting the worst of it, am i right? lol @ the disgruntled ex-boyfriend.

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Saturday 10 October 2009 2:02

You needed new tires anyways. You've been driving them with too little pressure and haven't rotated them enough. Thank the ex-boyfriend for saving your life!

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Saturday 10 October 2009 2:05

Can't he be arrested for damaging your property anyways? I fail to see how your life is fucked since this is a situation that can be easily fixed with a few phone calls.

CyclonePsycho 1

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Saturday 10 October 2009 2:20

It's an FML because his life was inconvenienced for no reason. It's not the end of the world, but it's irritating just the same.

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Sunday 11 October 2009 20:29

They can't do anything if he has no proof it was the woman's ex-boyfriend. But all that aside, I think we can easily see why she broke up with him.

jake_the_ripper 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 2:26

hahahahaha, that is some great logic

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 122

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149

You deserved it 32

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 103