Intimacy: Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was...

By emm - United States

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

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Intimacy

How's your hovel?

Freshman blues

Seize the means

By happybidet - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

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By nd.11 - Canada

Today, I was on the city bus, and there was a woman and her child sitting behind me. I began to feel tugging on my jacket so I leaned forward, assuming the child was pulling at my jacket. I sat back and felt the tugging again. After a couple of minutes, I heard the mother say "stop chewing on that!" FML

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By amberrenee91 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, a cute guy who works at the mall winked at me. When I met up with my boyfriend, I bragged to him about it. His response was, "Don't flatter yourself, he winked at me too." FML

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36481

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By IvyBlackeyes

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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2408

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By ugh - United States

Today, I told one of my teachers I have to attend a family member's funeral on a day she's passing a test. She straight up asked if I could reschedule it, and if not if I could just give it a miss. FML

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23238

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By Checkless chick - United States

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

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By luceeloo

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

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By blabla - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

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By ugh - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

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By BluBaller - United States

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

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By beachbumb8538 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

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31642

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By Unlucky - Saudi Arabia

Today, my daughter finally walked down the aisle with a man she loves very much. While I was escorting her, I managed to trip and fall down revealing what I've been trying to hide all of this time: my shiny gleaming bald head that showed when my wig fell off. FML

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51879

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out I'm allergic to mosquito repellent. I fly out on a two month trip to India on Saturday. FML

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24526

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By thanksmom - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

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33529

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By Danana - Canada

Today, one of the kids I was babysitting tried to hard boil eggs using the microwave. You cannot hard boil eggs using the microwave. It makes a mess. This we have learned. FML

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10521

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

That was quick

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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30435

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By skyphoenix - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

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29151

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By KD - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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29556

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By Anonymous - United States - Waterford

Today, my friend offered to make me a playlist for the gym. I thought it was really thoughtful, until I started listening to it during my workout and realized that every single song was "Supersize Me" with the title changed. FML

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23917

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By feminist - Canada

Today, I got into a heated argument at a restaurant with a guy I am seeing because he refused to let me pay for the bill and I thought it was sexist. When he finally agreed, I gave the waiter my card, only to have him return a minute later telling me it was declined. FML

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By LonelyThisChristmas - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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7915

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By Anonymous - United States - Tracy

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

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35896

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By Oops

Today, I submitted some honest negative feedback to the customer service team of all my favourite games, Today is also the day all my accounts got permanently banned from my console and I have lost all my progress. Bye bye 22 years. FML

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By Fingkids - United States

Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with penis sharpied on my face. I'm a kindergarten teacher. FML

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18259

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By Princess ? - 12/4/2020 14:00

Buzzing the tower

Today, I was taking a shower when my husband suddenly came in naked. I thought we were gonna have some fun, and so tried to be sexy. He took a quick shower and left. FML

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1932

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242

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By ihatethisjob - United States - Romulus

Today, I was working the night shift when a guy came in smelling like alcohol. He kept muttering his order, so I leaned over the register to hear him better. My ear now smells of vomit. FML

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41732

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By Joanna

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

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633

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12003

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By anouk05 - Switzerland

Too much Pornhub

Today, my boyfriend told me, "Don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

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32662

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By missbutthole - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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34599

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By Ohai - United States

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

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40432

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 17:06

Couch potato

Today, I'm so out of shape that my arm ached after lifting chips out of a Lays bag. FML

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290

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML

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42897

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

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41217

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By bdogge99 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was at the dentist. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML

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24944

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By cricketeer - United States

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML

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By "Kilamo" - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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1869

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By Gabi - United States

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

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35064

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By lunchbox2353 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so single, I signed up for a free consultation on an LGBT arranged marriage site. FML

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Top comments

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2201200 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

Fuck harder, drive softer?(:

By Capt_Oblivious | 10

#2201164 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

Show him then, fuck him hard enough to wreck him, then tell him to shut the hell up if he complains.

COMMENTS

By KickItHigh | 32

#2201150 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:44

What an ass...

pwincessa23 | 1

#2201229 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:52

indeed!

TayonaC | 10

#2201234 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:53

haha
wait did you do that purposely??

phreshboi | 1

#2201238 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:53

but funny!

hannah1203 | 2

#2201370 - Friday 18 March 2011 23:10

Your boyfriend's an ass but funny as hell lol

tesuan | 0

#2201487 - Friday 18 March 2011 23:34

I disagree. 10 points to Boyfriendor!

tulsafml | 0

#2201776 - Saturday 19 March 2011 0:32

11 for pikachu

jacob4848 | 4

#2201992 - Saturday 19 March 2011 1:43

0 for chubby dog.

tulsafml | 0

#2202060 - Saturday 19 March 2011 2:05

I'm fluffy

pwincessa23 | 1

#2202067 - Saturday 19 March 2011 2:06

what?

nbk1405 | 0

#2203658 - Saturday 19 March 2011 9:29

lol

By mendozaale | 0

#2201153 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

wow, he tried to brighten up the mood, in a way...

persianjr1 | 7

#2201510 - Friday 18 March 2011 23:37

OMG. he should be worried that you got rear-ended. call the cops for rape!!!

im2cool2fml | 0

#2202851 - Saturday 19 March 2011 5:08

does op want to be rear ended shutout a car?

By StupidBunnySuit | 0

#2201155 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

He's a keeper.

BAMF18 | 0

#2201498 - Friday 18 March 2011 23:36

word.

luke134 | 0

#2202450 - Saturday 19 March 2011 3:29

like :)

josephhhhhh | 0

#2203014 - Saturday 19 March 2011 5:56

like x2 ;)

niquii | 0

#2203858 - Saturday 19 March 2011 11:06

me gusta

By saleha97 | 4

#2201159 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

rude much?

yohooooooo | 5

#2201538 - Friday 18 March 2011 23:43

nope. not at all.

ipwnlosers | 4

#2202086 - Saturday 19 March 2011 2:12

Lolololol at your picture! ^

By Capt_Oblivious | 10

#2201164 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

Show him then, fuck him hard enough to wreck him, then tell him to shut the hell up if he complains.

mendozaale | 0

#2201198 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

why would he complain?

TayonaC | 10

#2201216 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:51

because he would be "wrecked"... wouldn't you complain if you were "wrecked"

mendozaale | 0

#2201272 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:57

oh i see...

mendozaale | 0

#2201289 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:59

oh i see... ya i'll probably complain if i was wrecked

antsinmypants199 | 0

#2201737 - Saturday 19 March 2011 0:21

^^ aww ye :D

nofatchicks90 | 0

#2201865 - Saturday 19 March 2011 1:00

win

Brittaneyyy | 0

#2202750 - Saturday 19 March 2011 4:37

honestly when are guys not bragging complaining talking or just pure thinking about sex....

bannedforlife | 0

#2203053 - Saturday 19 March 2011 6:06

Nofat90---no fugly dudes.

RandOmPhyXiO | 5

#2203805 - Saturday 19 March 2011 10:37

haha

frygirl | 0

#2204392 - Saturday 19 March 2011 14:09

can't argue with that logic!! :)

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2201200 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

Fuck harder, drive softer?(:

niquii | 0

#2203866 - Saturday 19 March 2011 11:08

you have to find a balance in life haha

By testthecoal | 5

#2201202 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

This sounds like a sitcom. It could only be better if the other person in the accident is his mistress.

OCDC | 9

#2203725 - Saturday 19 March 2011 9:55

The Great Gatsby?

By ilovepoppa | 0

#2201211 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:50

Wow.. what a jerk!

By LittleMonsterSam | 5

#2201241 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:53

DUMP HIM NOW

techweed | 12

#2203649 - Saturday 19 March 2011 9:23

is that Lady GaGa in the pic??

Bobdoleomega | 0

#2610638 - Friday 3 June 2011 6:17

come on calm down it was a joke geez and a pretty funny one at that

By mintcar | 9

#2201251 - Friday 18 March 2011 22:55

Maybe you start fucking a little harder? Problem solved.

C6Racer | 0

#2202778 - Saturday 19 March 2011 4:44

Indeed