Intimacy: Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185

You deserved it 1 588

18/03/2011 16:11

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 271

You deserved it 9 547

Intimacy

Best teeth in the game

For the life of him indeed

Halloween came early

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

By SugarCoat - 08/06/2017 18:00

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 668

You deserved it 609

Long distance

By singlesailor - 19/09/2009 06:18

Today, I'm in my fourth month of training in the US Navy. I'm 3000 miles from home. I joined to give my wife a better life. Since I've been gone, she decided that she liked being single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 444

You deserved it 4 434

19/09/2010 07:31

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 646

You deserved it 2 833

27/11/2009 14:13

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 104

You deserved it 51 931

22/02/2009 07:16

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 662

You deserved it 4 652

23/02/2013 23:18

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 026

You deserved it 4 818

11/11/2009 00:28

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 387

You deserved it 80 910

13/04/2013 09:21

Today, it's my birthday. My family put a bouquet of balloons outside my room for me to find when I woke up. I walked out of my room, saw the balloons, screamed, and fell down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 448

You deserved it 24 094

13/06/2015 11:45

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 399

You deserved it 2 060

10/10/2009 12:52

Today, I finally plucked up the courage to propose to my girlfriend of 7 months. I took her out to the park where we had our first kiss, I got down on one knee, and before I could say "Will you marry me" a bird shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 845

You deserved it 7 515

24/08/2009 05:16

Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 305

You deserved it 3 492

08/02/2010 14:18

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 871

You deserved it 4 078

20/04/2013 13:43

Today, I was rear ended at McDonald's by the same driver who rear ended me at the same McDonald's last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 573

You deserved it 8 212

13/04/2012 13:11

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 227

You deserved it 31 869

05/04/2009 22:04

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 116

You deserved it 8 782

03/06/2010 12:23

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a gun under his pillow. This was only after my friends and I surprised him with his birthday cake while he was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 392

You deserved it 7 025

21/07/2013 23:58

Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 795

You deserved it 59 588

29/12/2015 12:04

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has a Facebook account. He said he didn't have one. Apparently he's not divorced after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 429

You deserved it 2 289

08/03/2009 14:39

Today, the man I have been dating for 3 weeks, who told me he owns a high end restaurant in the city, handed me my lunch order through the drive-thru at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 872

You deserved it 9 979

20/08/2013 17:38

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 114

You deserved it 8 969

06/04/2012 04:45

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 820

You deserved it 29 127

26/11/2010 00:55

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend telling me to be romantic, I decided to make a romantic bath for us, complete with oil bath beads. After we get ready to take the bath, she puts her hand in the water and says she won't get it because 'it feels slimy'. I enjoyed a romantic bath alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 222

You deserved it 3 952

30/09/2009 22:57

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 271

You deserved it 3 046

26/01/2012 04:59

Today, I was greeting customers at work. After saying good morning to one man, he stopped and looked at me from head to toe before smirking and saying, "Mmmm." He then turned around and said, "It's starting." It's only my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 091

You deserved it 2 737

28/07/2017 05:00

Today, after months of telling my landlord about the weak floorboards in my living room, I fell through them as I was trying to repair them myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 199

You deserved it 324

Fresh air

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 02:00

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 470

You deserved it 356

Hair care

By hairball - 22/04/2009 00:12

Today, my shower is being renovated so I washed my hair in the kitchen sink. I put my two year-old son on the counter next to me so I could keep him close. As I was rinsing out my hair, my son started playing with the light switches. He flicked the garbage disposal by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 719

You deserved it 28 619

Parenting done right

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 03:59

Today, my husband was surprised to learn that I am planning on celebrating our daughter's first day at school. He is now pissed that we did not "decide on this together." Who doesn't celebrate their child's first school day? FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 366

29/03/2018 19:00

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 728

You deserved it 372

13/07/2011 05:02

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 545

You deserved it 8 480

11/04/2011 17:23

Today, the girl I was babysitting was being disrespectful to me, so I took away her stuffed animal and told her that she couldn't have it back until she apologized. She ended up sneaking onto my laptop and deleting all the pictures I'd saved from my recent vacation to Europe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 340

You deserved it 20 189

29/12/2013 23:23

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 402

You deserved it 4 470

17/03/2017 19:00

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 836

You deserved it 505

06/08/2009 15:40

Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 592

You deserved it 4 890

That's not how that works, it's not how anything works

By Ariane - 26/09/2021 14:00

Today, in France, a "Vaccine Pass" is needed to do most things. Some family members came to visit, but as they aren't vaccinated they usually just stay home. They told us that we're dangerous, because we carry "millions of viruses" from the vaccine, and it will be our fault if they get Covid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 149

02/12/2009 22:27

Today, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend. As my mother was comforting her, I overheard her say "Honey, it's okay, you're the pretty one. Think of those worse off than you. Think of your sister, she might never get a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 221

You deserved it 3 055

30/01/2013 07:52

Today, I got my retainer fitted. It stimulates my gag reflex so badly that I gag every time I try so say anything with a 'P' in it. My orthodontist laughed and suggested I get a thesaurus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 229

You deserved it 2 734

18/02/2009 14:29

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 672

You deserved it 56 452

15/04/2009 19:45

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 440

You deserved it 6 315

14/12/2008 03:58

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 754

You deserved it 67 298

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

Fuck harder, drive softer?(:

Capt_Oblivious 10

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

Show him then, fuck him hard enough to wreck him, then tell him to shut the hell up if he complains.

Comments

KickItHigh 32

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:44

What an ass...

pwincessa23 1

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:52

indeed!

TayonaC 10

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:53

haha wait did you do that purposely??

phreshboi 1

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:53

but funny!

hannah1203 2

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 23:10

Your boyfriend's an ass but funny as hell lol

tesuan 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 23:34

I disagree. 10 points to Boyfriendor!

tulsafml 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 0:32

11 for pikachu

jacob4848 4

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 1:43

0 for chubby dog.

tulsafml 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 2:05

I'm fluffy

pwincessa23 1

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 2:06

what?

nbk1405 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 9:29

lol

mendozaale 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

wow, he tried to brighten up the mood, in a way...

persianjr1 7

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 23:37

OMG. he should be worried that you got rear-ended. call the cops for rape!!!

im2cool2fml 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 5:08

does op want to be rear ended shutout a car?

StupidBunnySuit 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

He's a keeper.

BAMF18 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 23:36

word.

luke134 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 3:29

like :)

josephhhhhh 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 5:56

like x2 ;)

niquii 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 11:06

me gusta

saleha97 4

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

rude much?

yohooooooo 5

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 23:43

nope. not at all.

ipwnlosers 4

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 2:12

Lolololol at your picture! ^

Capt_Oblivious 10

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:45

Show him then, fuck him hard enough to wreck him, then tell him to shut the hell up if he complains.

mendozaale 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

why would he complain?

TayonaC 10

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:51

because he would be "wrecked"... wouldn't you complain if you were "wrecked"

mendozaale 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:57

oh i see...

mendozaale 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:59

oh i see... ya i'll probably complain if i was wrecked

antsinmypants199 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 0:21

^^ aww ye :D

nofatchicks90 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 1:00

win

Brittaneyyy 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 4:37

honestly when are guys not bragging complaining talking or just pure thinking about sex....

bannedforlife 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 6:06

Nofat90---no fugly dudes.

RandOmPhyXiO 5

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 10:37

haha

frygirl 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 14:09

can't argue with that logic!! :)

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

Fuck harder, drive softer?(:

niquii 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 11:08

you have to find a balance in life haha

testthecoal 5

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:49

This sounds like a sitcom. It could only be better if the other person in the accident is his mistress.

OCDC 9

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 9:55

The Great Gatsby?

ilovepoppa 0

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:50

Wow.. what a jerk!

LittleMonsterSam 5

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:53

DUMP HIM NOW

techweed 12

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 9:23

is that Lady GaGa in the pic??

Bobdoleomega 0

Send a private message

Friday 3 June 2011 6:17

come on calm down it was a joke geez and a pretty funny one at that

mintcar 9

Send a private message

Friday 18 March 2011 22:55

Maybe you start fucking a little harder? Problem solved.

C6Racer 0

Send a private message

Saturday 19 March 2011 4:44

Indeed