Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through...

By NeedANewWindshield

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1519

You deserved it

Favorite

Proactive

I CAN HEAR YOU

Seize the means

By Nutless - United States

Today, one of my baseball teammates thought it would be funny to perform a "cup-check", by hitting our crotches with the end of a baseball bat. I was actually watching the game, so I didn't see him when he came up and hit me. I wasn't wearing a cup. My nuts have shrunk by half of regular size. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62444

You deserved it

12400

Favorite

By 4fucksake - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40221

You deserved it

4670

Favorite

Don't worry dad

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3133

You deserved it

458

Favorite

By elisimo - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and eating a burger. Feeling frisky, I sat up and took off my shirt. He looked at my chest, at his burger, then back at me and said, "Give me a minute, I don't want my food to get cold." FML

I agree, your life sucks

20507

You deserved it

35659

Favorite

By phonnah - United States - Bowie

Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30202

You deserved it

3206

Favorite

By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1240

You deserved it

197

Favorite

By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I chaperoned a school dance. A song I knew came on, and, wanting to be the fun teacher, I danced around a little. The students then pointed and laughed. I graduated in '87 and high school still hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26364

You deserved it

6517

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8331

You deserved it

740

Favorite

By JohnMackSquirts - United States

Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31938

You deserved it

115171

Favorite

By scaredshitless - Finland

Today, I downloaded an application that notifies me when my phone is fully charged. I had no idea how it actually functions, but I plugged the charger in and went to bed. A couple of hours later, I woke up to a man's voice screaming, "I can't take it anymore!" I nearly wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35115

You deserved it

10682

Favorite

By Willow - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39966

You deserved it

11726

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I sneezed incredibly hard while eating a granola bar. 5 hours later, it's still hellishly painful to swallow. Please kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21076

You deserved it

1819

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18170

You deserved it

5474

Favorite

By dude, where's my balls? :( - United States - Anchorage

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy for some Christmas shopping. She picked up some presents for me and told me not to look at what she was buying. When we got to the register, she didn't have enough money, and I ended up having to buy my own presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40371

You deserved it

3379

Favorite

By Tori Pearson - Canada

Today, I went camping. My tent is flooded, a raccoon ate all my food, I lost the anchor to my boat which as a result is now across the lake. Three more days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33637

You deserved it

6867

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I spent two hours researching ways to fake my death, just so I can escape my crazy, overbearing stalker of a mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24438

You deserved it

2844

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 20:04

Midlife crisis

Today, the woman I've been dating for a while told me she wants to, "go back to day one of the relationship and just be friends first," but doesn’t want to break up or lose me, all because she’s having a midlife crisis. I was going to propose to her next month, I've already bought the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1005

You deserved it

Favorite

By Chat

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3853

You deserved it

711

Favorite

By AwesomePGnarles - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14662

You deserved it

44400

Favorite

By sarahmoon

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4475

You deserved it

511

Favorite

By locksmack - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33797

You deserved it

57926

Favorite

By fattypatty - United States

Today, it seems I do, in fact, have an addiction to food. My employer has put on a weight loss challenge with a 1000$ prize, and on day 5 of 100 I'm already lying to the calorie counting app I installed on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4945

You deserved it

2254

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44689

You deserved it

3493

Favorite

By Youtube drama sucks - 4/2/2021 22:58

YouTube Drama

Today, I went down a four-hour YouTube rabbit hole trying to understand the Onision drama. I finally snapped out if it, thinking, "I don't care about any of this. What am I doing with my life?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

459

You deserved it

402

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48324

You deserved it

4487

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44464

You deserved it

3562

Favorite

By hail science!

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom. Apparently, my seeking medicinal treatments for my cancer is blasphemous. According to her, I should just pray my cancer away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2446

You deserved it

Favorite

By Breezie - United States

Hi Zach!

Today, at work, a customer commented that I look like Zach Galifianakis. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1435

You deserved it

146

Favorite

By a genius - United States

Today, I lit a cigarette in the opposite direction of the wind. My hair blew into it, and caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14864

You deserved it

60172

Favorite

By stalkered - United States

Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we're related. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49999

You deserved it

3084

Favorite

By TheTruthofWomen - United States

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70015

You deserved it

4646

Favorite

By banj0 - United States - Madison

Today, I had to pry my sister's used tampon out from between my dog's jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30625

You deserved it

2195

Favorite

By Ned - United States

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48363

You deserved it

3855

Favorite

By Fuckup - United States - Naples

Today, I returned to work after a much-needed vacation. I got a lot of weird stares from my co-workers, and my boss eventually came over and told me to go home. Why? My work week starts tomorrow, not today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42901

You deserved it

10533

Favorite

By Anatomy - United States - Albany

Today, after being suspicious for some time, I learned that my husband really has been going to the library in his free time to study anatomy. Specifically female anatomy, with the librarian, in the back closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8945

You deserved it

639

Favorite

By Timetoloseweight - France

Today, for my birthday, my friends and family gave me: A Wii Fit, a free year at the gym and a book of diet recipes. They didn't consult with each other. I've asked for "something corresponding to me". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27846

You deserved it

15343

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I cracked a rib coughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35008

You deserved it

2960

Favorite

By Kilamo

Today, I told my mom I had 73 cents in my checking account. She gave me a penny and told me I had 74 cents and it was even now. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3391

You deserved it

861

Favorite

By anonymous - 25/9/2020 20:01

Sing me to sleep…

Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1294

You deserved it

115

Favorite

By kam3221 - United States

Today, I got in the shower, washed my hair and shaved because I wanted to look great for a big date. I got out, brushed and dried my hair and spent an hour putting it up in the perfect hairstyle. Running late, I quickly put on my new dress, looked down and realized i had only shaved one leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23833

You deserved it

54167

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7836087 - Saturday 24 August 2019 17:53

Maybe you shouldn’t have stolen his husband, Bubble Wrap!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7836133 - Saturday 24 August 2019 23:02

He may have had lowered inhibitions, but you can't say the same for his determination.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7836087 - Saturday 24 August 2019 17:53

Maybe you shouldn’t have stolen his husband, Bubble Wrap!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7836133 - Saturday 24 August 2019 23:02

He may have had lowered inhibitions, but you can't say the same for his determination.

By Stéphanie Roy_1860765893 | 8

#7836184 - Sunday 25 August 2019 3:37

I see you met my ex-husband! LOL!!!