Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered...

By kmctl - 20/5/2015 18:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

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Work

Proactive

Compassion

Peaky Bladders

By Karmaisabitch - 18/5/2012 06:07 - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 13:34 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML

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By ___Ruby_____ - 8/10/2018 12:00

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

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By redhanded - 28/5/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, I noticed my hidden porn folder on my laptop had been renamed to "LOL". I live with my teenage daughter, and no one else. FML

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By poor - 5/8/2019 16:01 - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

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By blackandblue - 2/11/2010 16:26 - United States

Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2014 23:20 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

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By overflowing - 16/4/2011 22:20 - United States

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2018 06:00

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I used the same credit card to apply to college and pay for a rave ticket. My card went through on the rave ticket but denied the college application fee. I guess my credit card is trying to tell me something about my future. FML

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By I guess not - 2/8/2016 13:24

Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 21:29 - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

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By dammed - 27/1/2009 19:41 - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

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By Dinho - 15/5/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, I was in a public bathroom, and a little boy walks in and he has an accident. He asked if I could help him clean it up. So I decided to help. I started to walk to him to assist him. That's when I walked straight into the pee and I slipped. My whole back was covered in pee. FML

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By wearingashirtatthepool - 9/5/2016 00:04 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with my best friend's mom, because her daughter was too afraid to tell me that I'm no longer a bridesmaid at her wedding because I'm too fat. FML

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By moikristine - 21/5/2013 10:24 - Norway - Fagerstrand

Today, I got an email saying the gift I'd ordered for my boyfriend of three years had been sent. I ordered it a couple of days ago because I thought he needed cheering up. I guess he found a better way of doing so himself; he broke up with me yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 06:47 - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2016 05:59

Today, I dropped the collection basket during Christmas Mass at my Catholic church. Money and checks fell all over the floor and everyone was staring at me. I was too stunned to even pick it up. There were about 1,500 people from our town there and my family won't stop bringing it up. FML

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By guh - 31/8/2016 15:54 - Malaysia - Subang Jaya

Today, I heard grunting noises from my brother's room, like when he's having a seizure, so I went in to help. And now I need brain bleach. FML

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By nikki - 10/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

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By "Alittlebitiffy" - 26/4/2017 14:00

Today, my husband insists he'll be able to make a career out of playing League of Legends. He says this with only $4 in our bank account because of his last brilliant career move. FML

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By Seriously? - 9/3/2014 06:08 - United States - Mill Valley

Today, a teenage girl bumped into me and my phone fell out of my hands, and over the Golden Gate Bridge. FML

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By notmyday - 25/2/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:07 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML

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By Lauren - 9/8/2011 13:48 - Australia

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full time job at one work place would be too 'depressing'. I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

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By highschoolsucks - 21/1/2015 02:41 - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2013 06:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

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By badidea - 23/12/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, someone nearly hit me with their car, so I flipped them the finger. They turned back around and tried to run me over. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 15:45 - United States

Today, in science class, we had to make play-dough with our lab partners. We were allowed to put one thing in it to make it more bouncy or rubbery. My partner said that he wanted to put a chicken wing in ours. FML

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By grann - 15/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By notinterested - 13/9/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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By smf_ds - 31/7/2015 20:48 - Portugal - Rebordosa

Today, I witnessed my dad spreading his ass cheeks to show my mom the rashes his hemorrhoids are giving him. FML

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By fuzzy1895 - 11/9/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 03:29 - Australia

Today, a customer complimented me on how good I looked for my age. She thought I was in my forties. I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 21:10 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out it's possible to dislocate your jaw just by yawning. Now I'm in the ER, looking like a total psycho. FML

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By ashamed - 9/5/2020 02:00

Body issues

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me showering in the dark. When he asked why, I just told him it’s more relaxing for me. Truth is, after losing 120 lbs, I’m so disgusted by the look of my sagging skin that I can’t bear to see myself naked anymore. FML

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By footfood - 27/6/2011 14:56 - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

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Top comments

By Sneado | 20

#6297029 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:30

Looks like that's the perfect time to slip out on your break or lunch.

By Shadowvoid | 33

#6297028 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:30

That's an awkward experience, I certainly hope this isn't a normal occurrence where you work. I hope you get better tips and customers in the future

COMMENTS

By Shadowvoid | 33

#6297028 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:30

That's an awkward experience, I certainly hope this isn't a normal occurrence where you work. I hope you get better tips and customers in the future

californiapoppy | 11

#6297044 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:38

What some people think is an appropriate tip is embarrassing!

guesswhatlifesux | 14

#6297209 - Thursday 21 May 2015 13:40

#12 I wish I could like that 100 times, that is way too accurate

By Sneado | 20

#6297029 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:30

Looks like that's the perfect time to slip out on your break or lunch.

shemademedoit | 20

#6297101 - Thursday 21 May 2015 8:50

that's some expensive shit

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6297030 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:30

He must've been drunk, or an asshole, but probably both.

By expertsmilee | 26

#6297031 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:30

Was all the food for him I wonder?

By Atomic_Mushroom | 14

#6297033 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:31

Sounds like a shitty situation!

(Overused pun alert)
I'll show myself out..

may14th | 26

#6297072 - Thursday 21 May 2015 8:01

you should've showed yourself before tapping validate!

ironmany_fml | 23

#6297552 - Thursday 21 May 2015 22:11

validate?

By FutBol_Fan_30 | 29

#6297035 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:32

Thaaaats nice. Very classy ?

By _Peppermint_ | 34

#6297036 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:34

Karma will get him.

By itssnotfunny | 24

#6297037 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:34

Sounds like his munchies didn't settle correctly.

By annabee95 | 22

#6297039 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:35

i work at a subway alone and I've had someone do something similar, then get pissed off when i couldn't make 30 subways (all different in salad and meats) fast enough.

By Pizzapiggy1 | 18

#6297043 - Thursday 21 May 2015 7:37

Manager: Who fucking shit on the floor of the bathroom?

You: *points towards tables*

*Childish Gambino voice* This is America

Body issues

Childish Gambino voice This is America