Miscellaneous: Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened...

By forgetful - United States - Los Angeles

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

Empathy lives

Sobering

By "lk07" - United States - Richmond

Today, I'm stuck in bed with a fever, aches, and nasty cough. My kids and husband had it too, and kept coughing without covering their mouths, despite my asking several times so I wouldn't get sick. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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By hungry n hypoglycemic - 6/1/2021 17:01

We live in a society!

Today, after standing in line for most of my lunch break just to buy food, some asshole with a cart full of stuff cut in front of me. He claimed that he was there the whole time, and the whole line, plus the cashier backed him up. I missed lunch. FML

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By WoofWoof - 27/9/2020 14:01 - Pakistan - Islamabad

Comedian

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that getting on all fours and barking at my penis for fun in the center of a mall is extremely inappropriate. She thinks otherwise, and promises to do it again. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 10:05 - United States - Baton Rouge

Medically accurate

Today, I sprained my ankle badly at a volleyball game. I asked my coach for some athletic tape so I could get back in the game. She handed me duct tape and said that athletic tape and duct tape are basically the same. Getting duct tape off your sprained ankle hurts like hell. FML

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By coinoperatedgirl - United States

Today, I realized that I will never be able to buy the car I've wanted since middle school. The car? A greyish-silver Volvo, which is the make and color of car Kurt Cobain drove. The reason? I've been informed that it's also the make and color of the car that Edward Cullen drives in Twilight. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By ForeSight

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

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By a tad whipped - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

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By caphis - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By TronCat8230

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

There's no helping some people

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

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1369

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By cderr - United States

Today, my sister found out she contracted ringworm and scabies from her best friend's rescued kittens. The entire family now has to be treated to prevent it from spreading. There are 7 people in our house and none of us have health insurance. FML

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By lonergirl - Australia

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML

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By omgwtf

Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

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1760

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By beachbumb8538 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

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By FrickingBusDrivers - United States - Farmington

Today, I missed my bus. But it didn't miss me. I've been in the hospital for 8 hours with a broken leg. FML

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By Kerlane - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

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By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

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By nu_ravers_101 - United States

Today, I went surfing. One of my instructors came up to me and told me that the other, good looking, instructor didn't have a girlfriend. Who then turned around and said "I do if you are trying to set me up with her." FML

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By asshole

Doing his part

Today, I found out that while I was at my job as an "essential" employee, my laid-off boyfriend was at home banging the landlord's daughter. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I shaved my legs and pits for the first time this summer. It took 3 disposable razors and an hour to get the job done. I've clearly been single for far too long. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I took out my ear cartilage piercing. With my comb. FML

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By sad face - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

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By Egyptian ToyBoy

Seventh heaven

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 14:01

Stalker vibes

Today, a woman who has a history of being horrible came into my work. I had to help her, so I was determined to be so nice that she couldn't possibly complain about me, like she has about several co-workers before. Apparently, I was too nice. Now she loves me and wants me to help her every time she comes in. FML

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By HungryGirl - United States

Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

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By gotanewmouse - New Zealand

Gross

Today, I saw my co-worker sneeze into his palm, get up, walk to my desk and smear his hand all over my computer mouse. He then went back to his desk and continued with his work. Last week we had a workplace awareness meeting about my OCD and fear of germs. FML

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By downgirl - United States - Norman

Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

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By Now I'm Broke

Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Bangalore

Today, I was trying to work out, and couldn't even complete an exercise regime meant for 50-year-olds. I'm 24. FML

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24827

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By dontask - United States

Today, the guy I've been crushing on for years and I finally went on a date. While on the date, he threw up in my purse and stuck tampons up his nose. FML

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31741

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By Becoming a commuter. - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

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32818

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a concert, my friend grew tired of holding her bag. She asked a man to hold it, saying that he wouldn't steal it "since it was hers". I quietly told her she was too naïve and irresponsible. After the concert, I got home and noticed my wallet was stolen instead, right out of my pocket. FML

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By alostr1 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's, some kids were running and screaming. One of them stopped right beside me, turned to face me, and threw up in my lap. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6449025 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:38

Your Dodge ate your homework. FYL

By justcommenting19 | 19

#6449003 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:32

I think that's like a legitimate excuse. Email your teacher if you can to let him/her know so it doesn't look like a last minute excuse.

COMMENTS

By joeyl2008 | 29

#6448991 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:29

Break in, get your backpack, burn the dealership down, kick ass at your presentation!

TheGreatPotato | 19

#6449099 - Saturday 31 October 2015 3:41

You forgot the part about getting arrested for breaking and entering and arson.

musoboy | 22

#6449142 - Saturday 31 October 2015 4:52

... or, you know, explain the situation and ask for an extension on the grounds of mitigating circumstances.

By katelng09 | 16

#6448993 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:30

A new way to tell teachers you forgot your homework.

katelng09 | 16

#6449011 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:34

I don't know it people will understand what I meant with this comment. I meant like the teachers won't believe anything about a student forgetting their hw. Like for example "my dog ate my hw" type of thing.

Driving_Gaming | 22

#6449345 - Saturday 31 October 2015 12:21

Maybe the parents could write a letter for him/her to do the presentation at another time since they don't have it on them.

By pabj208 | 23

#6448994 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:30

The cloud's the future....

Lalala579121 | 27

#6449178 - Saturday 31 October 2015 6:14

Too bad it's not the present for OP.

By patatoguy | 14

#6448995 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:31

Dang hope you get that backpack back I've been in a situation before where I've lost my backpack with a huge assignment in it..

By ERaj1123 | 18

#6448996 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:31

Well maybe someone else just got an a hundred for a school assignment!

By juicy_extasy | 25

#6448997 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:31

Maybe call the dealership and mail them about it. If you have the contact person's biz card, he can help you out because it's an emergency. Good luck!

By justcommenting19 | 19

#6449003 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:32

I think that's like a legitimate excuse. Email your teacher if you can to let him/her know so it doesn't look like a last minute excuse.

musoboy | 22

#6449143 - Saturday 31 October 2015 4:54

She doesn't even need to do that. Her story is not hard to verify.

By whatunicorn | 17

#6449006 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:33

This defines bad luck and forgetfulness so well.
Look on the brightside, at least you found out a day before instead of the day, better work your butt off! Good luck!

By kyrisonfusion | 22

#6449015 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:35

Contact the teacher ASAP and then contact the dealership in the morning. It's a legitimate excuse

By dddd47906 | 5

#6449022 - Saturday 31 October 2015 1:37

Email your teacher as soon as possible. It looks real that way rather than a made-up excuse. Contact the dealership tomorrow, or just work your butt off… anyways you still have to contact the dealership. Good luck… sorry.