Work: Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry,... - FML

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Grammar police alert

The runs

By Anonymous - Denmark - Randers

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

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By whyymee - United States

Today, I helped a "blind" man across the street. He kindly said thank you and patted me on the back. Then, I went into a store and realized my wallet was missing. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

The World won't Listen

Today, I went round to see a friend who recently had a heart attack and was finding it difficult to shop for herself. She complained about the food being "too healthy" and wanted bags of chips and frozen rubbish instead. Her being overweight directly caused her heart attack. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I was crying because my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. That wasn't why I was crying. My mom knows things before I do. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his room-mate finding out I'd spent the night. FML

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By WellShit - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By arianelagolden

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

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By stillhungry - United States

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

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By ambiiii - United States - Marble Falls

Today, my niece started crying because she thought that someday she'll look like me. FML

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By terrible person

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to break down and cry because his mother hates me for unknown reasons. I walked in, gave him a long hug, and started sobbing. I then saw his mother. She was visiting him to complain about how terrible a person I am. FML

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By FailedEngineer - Australia

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

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By CWoah - Canada

Today, it was my court date for a car accident I was involved in back in July. I had spent months preparing a case to prove my innocence. I was scheduled to appear at 10:00 this morning. I woke up at 10:15AM. FML

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By Kathleen Verhaegen - 30/4/2020 20:00

Lava lamp

Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I asked a very attractive girl out, then later I ended up talking with her. One of my friends comes up to us and points out that I'm beet red and, "blushing like a bitch". She notices and laughs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

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By somebodyelse - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting pretty hot and heavy, and then he said, "Lets pretend you are someone else." FML

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By Pooperscooper - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

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By gmnesbitt - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

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By tiredofbullshit - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

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By 4fucksake - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

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By nataliepaige - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

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By Kit - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Friendswood

Today, I brought a boy over to my house to help with a history project. My mom suddenly swooped in and bombarded him with questions about his and my sex life, and how she wants to have exactly four grandchildren. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I don't know what's worse, the fact that my hair sheds so much, or the fact that I find most of it in my butt crack. FML

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By icanthearyou - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

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By loli-conned - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for my little sister's birthday. She loves manga. I've never read manga, so I bought a couple of novels from the "popular" shelf. Turns out if they have white covers it means they are "adult" books. I bought my sister a "lolicon" manga - filled with prebuscent naked girls. FML

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By thankshun13 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

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By HBCruiser

Today, I’m sitting in my living room, smelling onions frying. My house is all closed up. I’m not cooking anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Bisexual!

Today, I found a note in my boyfriend's phone titled "People's I've had sex with". There are also dates next to the notes which represented the day he had sex with them. Not only that it was NOT me who is the last person on the list, but I also realized that the last person on the list was my best friend. And he's a guy. FML

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By Cody - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Luis Rey

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

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By xacked - United States

Today, I was designing a newspaper page with a story about an aggressive female bird that was defending its nest and attacking students near some stairs. In the article were photos of victims who were attacked. We had a good laugh over it. Later, I was walking there and the bird attacked me. FML

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By burningman - Germany - Darmstadt

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

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By KKimrae_ness - United States

Today, I found some oversized-strawberry-spree candies in my pantry. They were delicious and I munched on them through out the day. I ended up in and out, but mostly in, the bathroom in the dead hours of the night experiencing the wonders and effectiveness of Fruit Flavored Fiber pills. FML

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By 352 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

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By gymnasticscoach - United States

Today, a kid I coach on a regular basis was talking to me about what I did outside of work. After we were done with the conversation, she told me with a straight face that I need to get a life and get a boyfriend. She's 10. And she's right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, I invited my deadbeat dad over for dinner, hoping we could resolve our issues and build a proper relationship. Just minutes after he arrived, I caught him stealing money from my purse. He actually said I owe him for raising me. He ditched my mom and me when I was 5. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML

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Top comments

By redryan725 | 1

#7381560 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:51

Before fully reading the first sentence I said YDI.

By erindgentry | 28

#7381519 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:05

I'm sorry OP but you deserved it. You should have checked before sending that.

COMMENTS

By Tripartita | 44

#7381518 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:04

You're probably barking up the wrong tree.

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#7381667 - Friday 30 December 2016 10:27

Gotta be honest that joking or not, a dude telling a bunch of people he's a furry and needs a spanking is pretty weird man.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#7381836 - Friday 30 December 2016 21:03

I… don't see how your comment is relevant to mine…

I think you just replied to get your comment higher in the stack. :(

How can you /use/ people like that?!

Reply

Cali | 54

#7381862 - Friday 30 December 2016 22:27

That's a paddlin'.

By erindgentry | 28

#7381519 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:05

I'm sorry OP but you deserved it. You should have checked before sending that.

Reply

thelittlem | 15

#7381531 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:26

Oh shut up.

Reply

erindgentry | 28

#7381596 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:50

lol

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7381523 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:12

I'm sure they'd be willing to help you out

By maritime1992 | 5

#7381537 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:46

That's not even remotely funny and watch who you're sending stuff to next time.

By brooklyn0118 | 22

#7381544 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:06

Always double check so your sending this too! Good luck at work!

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7381546 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:06

Just lie and say someone else was typing

By bigbadbarley | 1

#7381554 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:31

what the fuck

By redryan725 | 1

#7381560 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:51

Before fully reading the first sentence I said YDI.

By the_killers | 0

#7381580 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:21

That's ruff

By Juls464 | 10

#7381582 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:24

10/10 do not recommend doing that

Reply

trucker2 | 33

#7381594 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:48

Little late...