Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry,... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 12:09 - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

My body, my choice

Spy vs. Spy

By aarone23 - 1/6/2011 13:30 - United States

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

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By better late than never - 8/5/2015 21:32

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

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By SF49 - 16/1/2013 18:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2009 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2009 01:59 - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML

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By Annonmyus - 3/12/2010 08:56

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

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By firefliiez - 15/11/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2019 02:00

Today, for the third time in as many months, I woke up early and got dressed up for our department’s networking breakfast, where I stood in the back with no seat and no food, while employees from other departments and less senior staff ate breakfast. My boss later asked me if the food was good. FML

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By nicedoggy - 23/10/2012 18:05 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 22:13 - Australia

Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heatwave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML

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By Tall Oaf - 14/7/2018 01:30

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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By Ugh - 12/7/2019 04:00

Today, I was on the bus. I have a phobia of babies crying, and recently, whenever I've been on a long journey, there's been one and I've had an anxiety attack. There were no babies on this bus, just an old lady showing her friend videos of her screaming grandchild. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

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By Li - 24/3/2015 01:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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By S.Bunny - 22/1/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

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By lehonj49 - 21/6/2013 16:10 - Australia - Burwood

Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:00

Appearance matters

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

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By indierocklove - 3/8/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

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By wat_dafuq_bro - 6/5/2013 06:06

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

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By cockblockingbitch - 25/1/2009 05:54 - United States

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 15:44 - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

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By hannah - 17/2/2011 05:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

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By soapgirl - 13/8/2009 16:07 - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By SapphireRaven - 7/9/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By mista_sandy - 11/4/2012 16:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

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By Skier - 29/1/2010 02:01 - Canada

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

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By toelie - 6/11/2017 22:00

Oh the times, they are a-changin'

Today, as two of my students walked into my classroom, I said, "Hi, ladies". One of them screamed at me: "Did you just assume my gender?!" FML

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By alie - 9/2/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I wore a cute new striped shirt to work. One of my co-workers said to me "I like your shirt. Most fat people don't look good in horizontals." FML

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By STOPTAKINGPICTURES - 8/7/2013 23:45 - United States - New York

Today, it's been the tenth restaurant meal in a row that my husband has to ruin with Instagram, in the belief that anyone cares. FML

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By friendless1004 - 12/11/2015 16:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

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By Devil's Pigeon - 18/4/2017 14:00

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

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By DarkPhoenix - 4/12/2008 11:16 - France

Today, I'm heading towards my car clutching a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend, when along comes a sweet old lady who says: "it's not flowers she wants, it's some lovin'!". The elderly sure aren't what they used to be. FML

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By My spit everywhere - 30/12/2016 07:48 - United States - La Grange Park

Today, I went to the dentist. She had a tool that sucks up saliva, and put it in my mouth. She told me to close my mouth, and I did. Turns out she forgot to turn it on, causing my saliva to go all over my face. I had to sit like that for the rest of the visit. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

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By reallyson? - 12/1/2015 05:28 - United States - South Hadley

Today, I got undressed in front of my boyfriend for the first time. His reaction? "You're chubbier than I expected". FML

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By Poordaughter5 - 6/7/2016 17:21 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2016 20:33

Sexy time

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked on. Unfortunately, it was by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

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By colorblind - 5/7/2009 21:49 - United States

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

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Top comments

By redryan725 | 1

#7381560 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:51

Before fully reading the first sentence I said YDI.

By erindgentry | 28

#7381519 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:05

I'm sorry OP but you deserved it. You should have checked before sending that.

COMMENTS

By Tripartita | 44

#7381518 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:04

You're probably barking up the wrong tree.

Reply

stingray112 | 24

#7381667 - Friday 30 December 2016 10:27

Gotta be honest that joking or not, a dude telling a bunch of people he's a furry and needs a spanking is pretty weird man.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#7381836 - Friday 30 December 2016 21:03

I… don't see how your comment is relevant to mine…

I think you just replied to get your comment higher in the stack. :(

How can you /use/ people like that?!

Reply

Cali | 54

#7381862 - Friday 30 December 2016 22:27

That's a paddlin'.

By erindgentry | 28

#7381519 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:05

I'm sorry OP but you deserved it. You should have checked before sending that.

Reply

thelittlem | 15

#7381531 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:26

Oh shut up.

Reply

erindgentry | 28

#7381596 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:50

lol

By mattyiscool123 | 26

#7381523 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:12

I'm sure they'd be willing to help you out

By maritime1992 | 5

#7381537 - Friday 30 December 2016 3:46

That's not even remotely funny and watch who you're sending stuff to next time.

By brooklyn0118 | 22

#7381544 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:06

Always double check so your sending this too! Good luck at work!

By Magnoxidans | 19

#7381546 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:06

Just lie and say someone else was typing

By bigbadbarley | 1

#7381554 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:31

what the fuck

By redryan725 | 1

#7381560 - Friday 30 December 2016 4:51

Before fully reading the first sentence I said YDI.

By the_killers | 0

#7381580 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:21

That's ruff

By Juls464 | 10

#7381582 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:24

10/10 do not recommend doing that

Reply

trucker2 | 33

#7381594 - Friday 30 December 2016 5:48

Little late...