Kids: Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress... - FML

By whytoday - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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Out of it

Stand up guy

Missed opportunities

By NoBabies - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

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By ohmigodimchokin - United States

Today, I was sitting at lunch and started choking on a chip. I couldn't breathe and nobody tried to help me. Having to take matters into my own hands, I reached for a juice box that belonged to someone sitting next to me. After I could breathe again, they informed me that they had mono. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

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By depressedpreggo - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, we got my dad an iPad for his birthday. I had to repeatedly reassure him that he could in fact touch the screen without being shocked. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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By Gioia - Bulgaria - Vidin

Today, I was so nervous about a first date that trying to break a silence in the beginning, I asked, "So, you afraid of any insects?" No wonder I didn't get a second date. FML

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When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML

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By ilovemybrother - United States

Today, I got on my computer and saw my little brother had left his myspace page up with a message between him and his friend. They were talking about a plan to basically humiliate me in any way possible. It was called "Operation: Fat Cow." FML

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By Alexman1985

Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML

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By sobasics - United States

Today, I finally got a phone call from a publisher saying they would publish the book I'd written. I'd gotten loads of rejection letters, so I was so excited. Until I realized it was my dad, feeling sorry for me. FML

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By mom

Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I received an email from my friend in South Africa, with whom I'll soon be staying for 2 months. She was telling me that she had bought me a few things so I would be prepared for my stay. What did she buy me? A taser and some pepper-spray. FML

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By jkmartinjk - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

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By chumleevil - United States

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

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By Jill - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to take my husband to the hospital because he thought it would be funny to Superglue googly eyes to his dick. FML

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By bonedregardless - United States

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML

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By sigh - United States

Today, I was called a "whore," a "demon," a "piece of shit," and a "disrespectful bitch." All of this happened because I wouldn't let my mother-in-law borrow my car. This is a woman with multiple speeding tickets. FML

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By thisisavirus.exe - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - London

The real me

Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML

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By Broke and Blonde

Today, I had an interview for a new position in my company. The head of HR decided to sit and I got so nervous that I just spouted gibberish for 45 minutes. Pretty sure I convinced her I’m not qualified for the position I’m currently in. FML

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By airplanes-suck - United States

The talk

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year-oldish daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "The talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Technically, that's stealing

Today, I told my mom about the $50 I'd hidden in case of an emergency, and how I couldn't find it. She said she'd borrowed it last week. FML

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By ScreweD- - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a writing assignment back. After meeting with my professor specially after class and meticulously combing through every word of that paper, I got a low D. Turns out, he graded me down on every suggestion of his that I took. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Kerpen

Today, I wanted to top up my shower gel dispenser. After carefully squeezing the entire tube into the dispenser, I realized why it looked so white: I'd mixed the remaining shower gel with the entire tube of fancy, expensive, organic body lotion that my grandma had given me for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

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By edulover - United States

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to be treated for chemical burns, because my mother got the bright idea of using paint thinner to clean me up after I'd painted our living room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

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By Brad - 5/7/2020 20:01

Home invasion

Today, I woke up and got out of my room to find two pit bulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

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By liz1234 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML

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By jazthefish - United States

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

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By mcdman - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

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By hospital - United States

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

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By slapstick1982

Perfect contraceptive

Today, I realized that my wife is on her 3rd month using an IUD. The side effect is nonstop bleeding. I haven't had sex with her since she got it. I'd say this contraceptive is working perfectly. FML

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By Chance115

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

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Top comments

By wazzup182FML | 3

#2507833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:55

you take 60 seconds to pee XD

By LaylaFurious | 0

#2507885 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:12

use the mr. clean magic eraser extra strength! works like a charm lol.

COMMENTS

By Edwinadii | 4

#2507826 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:54

first... thumbs down

By hare | 19

#2507832 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:54

blame it on the Jesus juice!

Reply

marmlr339 | 14

#2508193 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:01

WTF? relevance?

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2508220 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:10

At # 2: What?!? WTF are you talking about.

Reply

MfailK | 0

#2508223 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:10

I love taxidermy.

Reply

sterlingarcher | 1

#2508376 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:56

lol what?!?!

Reply

Shafreeka | 8

#2508457 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:11

What the Hell are you talking about?

Reply

thtsuxs | 0

#2508490 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:19

white tooth paste cleans up sharpie mark....not the gel kind the paste one

Reply

Justforlolz | 14

#2510175 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:56

Ohhhhhh, I get it! You mean the...... I don't get it.

Reply

FuniiBunii | 0

#2510406 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:26

#2 sorry but no one speaks stupid here , so we don't get it.

By wazzup182FML | 3

#2507833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:55

you take 60 seconds to pee XD

Reply

Blueglasscup | 18

#2507919 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:23

It says so right there! Yes he or she takes sixty seconds to piss!

Reply

imcheerish | 0

#2508022 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:56

I think what he means is sixty second is a long time to pee.

Reply

mmedeiros14 | 0

#2508117 - Saturday 14 May 2011 13:27

it must be a girl they take forever to do anything

Reply

Flutist | 3

#2508585 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:36

Uh, it said nanny. So yes, I would take it to be that it is a girl caregiver.

Reply

oboewhore_xD | 6

#2510683 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:22

Guys can't be nannies?

Reply

FreebirdIII | 1

#2511587 - Saturday 14 May 2011 23:26

Includes time to wash hands. it is part of the process, or should be.

Reply

Yousuck24 | 21

#2511784 - Sunday 15 May 2011 0:23

108- Guy nannies are called mannies.

Reply

Felix_Felicis15 | 8

#2512821 - Sunday 15 May 2011 6:18

I think a male nanny is either called a nanny or a babysitter.

Reply

ljesm14 | 1

#2653272 - Friday 10 June 2011 7:37

time to repaint the walls.
my little sister drew a lion with crayon on the wall in the hallway. my dad wasn't to happy...

Reply

edogy | 0

#2839971 - Thursday 7 July 2011 19:23

By rarrar51 | 0

#2507849 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:00

Sharpies are Effing awesome!!! :D

Reply

sarahxD1234 | 5

#2509074 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:38

MR CLEAN ! it works.

Reply

VaGino432 | 0

#2510267 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:09

idk bout that, but some goof off would too.

Reply

TakeMyLifePlease | 7

#2511472 - Saturday 14 May 2011 22:50

Yup, the heavy duty Magic Eraser has saved my butt more than a few times.

Reply

kiran_fml | 5

#2512397 - Sunday 15 May 2011 3:33

ethanol works too, I just don't know where to get it from...

By tratelle | 0

#2507859 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:04

Always when you're not looking...

Reply

CAPTmok | 7

#2507941 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:30

its called capitalising on opportunities..... damn the two year old is smart!!!!

By docscientist | 9

#2507863 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:08

I just...you didn't think that would take the paint off??

By LaylaFurious | 0

#2507885 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:12

use the mr. clean magic eraser extra strength! works like a charm lol.

Reply

guckylynn | 19

#2508208 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:07

Yeah I was wondering why a nanny doesn't know that trick.

Reply

taidemelina | 4

#2510123 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:50

I was gonna say the same thing!

Reply

CrackerJack127 | 3

#2513170 - Sunday 15 May 2011 8:35

true that. :)

Reply

Torunn | 13

#3245791 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 9:50

As does sunscreen.

By NailVarnishFan | 0

#2507887 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:13

say you where just encouraging the babies artistic talents? :S

By ashseal | 11

#2507905 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:17

sucks

Reply

astana_fml | 0

#2508428 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:06

exact

Reply

sterlingarcher | 1

#2508742 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:06

yup

Reply

nucky_fml | 5

#2509375 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:27

If all else fails, blame it on the one armed man. Or just sleep with your boss...

By chouter21 | 10

#2507920 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:23

wow. lol. Annoying child!