Kids: Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress... - FML

By whytoday - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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Late term

BO Central

Genius, definitely

By Anonymous

Today, I had a 10-hour shift that started at 5 a.m. We can't leave until relief comes and we don't get paid for overtime if our relief is late. The good news is my relief came early. The bad news is he went on a smoke break and never came back. They want me to stay until we close and I'm the only cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

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By User - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my nephew's second birthday. He was sitting on my lap, so I started tickling him. He laughed and squirmed so much, he smashed his mouth on my desk. Two bloody hours at the hospital later, he has no two front teeth. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got home to find my truck smashed by a fallen old tree. I was going to have the tree removed next week. FML

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By fun_gal - 25/3/2020 17:00

Odd one out

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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By Jenna Berreth

Ask first, snoop later

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

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By James - United Kingdom - Cirencester

Lost

Today, I was having a good time drinking with a few friends. Next thing I know, I'm walking down an unknown street, with just one shoe, no wallet and no phone. FML

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By connor1701

Today, I went to put my coat on to go out. I put my hand in my pocket, not knowing there was a mouse sleeping in there. I squeezed it, it bit me and ran off. FML

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By wilmerjean - United States

Today, I had to spend the morning and afternoon waiting for my uncle to take a crap after his hernia surgery. It never happened, and in the end I drove home, only to find the highway just as backed up as my uncle's colon. FML

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By jakethed0g - United Kingdom

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

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By Anonymous - Cura?ao

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

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By fattysonparade - United Kingdom

Today, I cycled past a group of middle school kids. They decided that they should all start shouting "FAT ALERT" while ringing the bells on their bikes. FML

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By d0rk_ - Canada

Today, I was in English when I had to use the bathroom. As I was signing out, the teacher said "Don't forget the hall pass!" It was a plunger. I have to walk across my school with a plunger. FML

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By jonnie - 7/5/2020 02:00

Hi mom!

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

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By BigBangrocksthenight - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. Things got kind of heated, so he decided to take off my bra. They cooled back down when a bug flew out. FML

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By freshflowerz - United States - Williamsburg

Cheesy.

Today, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a yeast infection. It’s been 3 hours since I’ve been home and my husband won’t stop referring to me as "cheddar puss". FML

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By madison77 - United States

Today, my engagement ring was seized by the police, and my fiancé was arrested on larceny charges. Both in the same visit. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I walked into my elderly client's home for my first day of work. I was immediately hit in the eye with something small, and had to get medical attention for a scratched cornea. It turns out my client likes to clip his toenails right by his front door. FML

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By tiffylueg

Today, my allergies are killing me. I took a Benadryl to help, but the allergies are still here. I'm now chugging Mountain Dew at 9:30 in the morning to keep from falling asleep at my desk. Thanks for nothing Benadryl. FML

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By unloved - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

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By TrueStories - United States

Today, I went to a football sleepover with all of my teammates. I felt something near the bottom of my sleeping bag, and I pulled it up with my foot. My entire team watched me pull out a red thong. My parents had been on a camping trip the week before. FML

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By WTF - Australia

Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML

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By caphis - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By Somerandomguy64 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By oops - Australia - Newtown

Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML

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By cutiecuppiecakez - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

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By Raw95 - United States

Today, I was eating at Steak N' Shake. I noticed that the cute waitress was checking me out. When I was done with my meal she wrote her number on the ticket. So, as I was walking out the door, I turned around to wave at her, and walked into a metal bar next to the door. FML

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By Cody - France

Today, I was at a job interview at McDonalds. All was going well until the manager told me that I'd have to remove the piercing that I have on my eyebrow. I didn't think that my mole would be so confusing. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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By E.B. - United States - Grenada

Today, I'm a college student working at Dollar Tree. The signs hanging every 10 ft, plastered on every box, every wall, every corner, say "Everything's $1." Someone asked me how much something was, because there was no price tag. This happens multiple times a day. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I almost got lucky with a girl from my course. We've been flirting since we met. After removing her top and moving downwards with my tongue, whilst moaning my name she decided to mention she has a boyfriend and that we needed to stop. FML

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By tired - United States

Today, my dad woke me up 3 hours early, after I had been up very late the night before, because something "awesome" happened. Apparently the cashier at Dunkin' Donuts and I share the same first name. Thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2020 20:00 - Netherlands

Wedding dress

Today, I walked down the aisle when a bug flew into my mouth. In a response, I threw up on my beautiful white wedding dress. I had to party and be in the pictures in someones spare pink dress for the rest of the day. FML

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Top comments

By wazzup182FML | 3

#2507833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:55

you take 60 seconds to pee XD

By LaylaFurious | 0

#2507885 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:12

use the mr. clean magic eraser extra strength! works like a charm lol.

COMMENTS

By Edwinadii | 4

#2507826 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:54

first... thumbs down

By hare | 19

#2507832 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:54

blame it on the Jesus juice!

Reply

marmlr339 | 14

#2508193 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:01

WTF? relevance?

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2508220 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:10

At # 2: What?!? WTF are you talking about.

Reply

MfailK | 0

#2508223 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:10

I love taxidermy.

Reply

sterlingarcher | 1

#2508376 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:56

lol what?!?!

Reply

Shafreeka | 8

#2508457 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:11

What the Hell are you talking about?

Reply

thtsuxs | 0

#2508490 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:19

white tooth paste cleans up sharpie mark....not the gel kind the paste one

Reply

Justforlolz | 14

#2510175 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:56

Ohhhhhh, I get it! You mean the...... I don't get it.

Reply

FuniiBunii | 0

#2510406 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:26

#2 sorry but no one speaks stupid here , so we don't get it.

By wazzup182FML | 3

#2507833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 11:55

you take 60 seconds to pee XD

Reply

Blueglasscup | 18

#2507919 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:23

It says so right there! Yes he or she takes sixty seconds to piss!

Reply

imcheerish | 0

#2508022 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:56

I think what he means is sixty second is a long time to pee.

Reply

mmedeiros14 | 0

#2508117 - Saturday 14 May 2011 13:27

it must be a girl they take forever to do anything

Reply

Flutist | 3

#2508585 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:36

Uh, it said nanny. So yes, I would take it to be that it is a girl caregiver.

Reply

oboewhore_xD | 6

#2510683 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:22

Guys can't be nannies?

Reply

FreebirdIII | 1

#2511587 - Saturday 14 May 2011 23:26

Includes time to wash hands. it is part of the process, or should be.

Reply

Yousuck24 | 21

#2511784 - Sunday 15 May 2011 0:23

108- Guy nannies are called mannies.

Reply

Felix_Felicis15 | 8

#2512821 - Sunday 15 May 2011 6:18

I think a male nanny is either called a nanny or a babysitter.

Reply

ljesm14 | 1

#2653272 - Friday 10 June 2011 7:37

time to repaint the walls.
my little sister drew a lion with crayon on the wall in the hallway. my dad wasn't to happy...

Reply

edogy | 0

#2839971 - Thursday 7 July 2011 19:23

By rarrar51 | 0

#2507849 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:00

Sharpies are Effing awesome!!! :D

Reply

sarahxD1234 | 5

#2509074 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:38

MR CLEAN ! it works.

Reply

VaGino432 | 0

#2510267 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:09

idk bout that, but some goof off would too.

Reply

TakeMyLifePlease | 7

#2511472 - Saturday 14 May 2011 22:50

Yup, the heavy duty Magic Eraser has saved my butt more than a few times.

Reply

kiran_fml | 5

#2512397 - Sunday 15 May 2011 3:33

ethanol works too, I just don't know where to get it from...

By tratelle | 0

#2507859 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:04

Always when you're not looking...

Reply

CAPTmok | 7

#2507941 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:30

its called capitalising on opportunities..... damn the two year old is smart!!!!

By docscientist | 9

#2507863 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:08

I just...you didn't think that would take the paint off??

By LaylaFurious | 0

#2507885 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:12

use the mr. clean magic eraser extra strength! works like a charm lol.

Reply

guckylynn | 19

#2508208 - Saturday 14 May 2011 14:07

Yeah I was wondering why a nanny doesn't know that trick.

Reply

taidemelina | 4

#2510123 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:50

I was gonna say the same thing!

Reply

CrackerJack127 | 3

#2513170 - Sunday 15 May 2011 8:35

true that. :)

Reply

Torunn | 13

#3245791 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 9:50

As does sunscreen.

By NailVarnishFan | 0

#2507887 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:13

say you where just encouraging the babies artistic talents? :S

By ashseal | 11

#2507905 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:17

sucks

Reply

astana_fml | 0

#2508428 - Saturday 14 May 2011 15:06

exact

Reply

sterlingarcher | 1

#2508742 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:06

yup

Reply

nucky_fml | 5

#2509375 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:27

If all else fails, blame it on the one armed man. Or just sleep with your boss...

By chouter21 | 10

#2507920 - Saturday 14 May 2011 12:23

wow. lol. Annoying child!