Love: Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried... - FML

By back to cock-hunting - 15/11/2014 19:58 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 010

You deserved it 5 000

Another great day to be alive

Best teeth in the game

You tried

By Anonymous - 22/10/2013 21:02 - United States

Today, I got a call from an angry parent telling me that I'm teaching her son and the other children in the class "wrong philosophies". This was all because I explained to the class that Michigan is divided into two parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 316

You deserved it 2 759

You're my mommy now

By Lissy - 05/01/2021 14:02

Today, and everyday since we got a puppy in March, my husband is jealous of the puppy who follows me everywhere. He was the one that wanted the puppy and now he practically hates it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 178

By Anonymous - 09/03/2014 19:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I was on the subway, when the girl opposite me suddenly started shouting and accusing me of photographing her. I was reading a book on my phone, and I showed her the screen, but I got shoved around anyway by another guy, who threatened to report me for being a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 032

You deserved it 3 261

By ugh - 01/12/2015 03:52 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 1 553

By mylifesucks - 02/07/2010 22:25 - France

Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 891

You deserved it 5 251

By really - 26/03/2017 00:00

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 190

You deserved it 341

Assumptions

By navi - 11/03/2021 11:01

Today, my dad once again had to help me with my technological issues. Isn’t it usually the other way around? FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 384

By Frozen Food Fan - 11/08/2015 14:29 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 906

You deserved it 5 515

By Anonymous - 20/07/2012 20:26 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I had a job interview, for which I spent hours preparing. My interviewer was nothing more than a pimple-faced teen, and after only two minutes of reviewing my qualifications, he lost interest and started asking such questions as which Hogwarts house is my favorite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 476

You deserved it 3 111

By Andrew - 30/10/2012 06:08 - United States - Monroe

Today, whilst in an argument with my girlfriend, I told her she was the craziest bitch I'd ever met. She responded with "Challenge accepted." I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 907

You deserved it 46 407

It's a sign...

By Ohfknhell - 16/05/2018 05:00

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 572

You deserved it 740

By Anonymous - 01/06/2016 11:05 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 436

You deserved it 838

TMI

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 16:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 358

You deserved it 4 722

By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - 31/03/2013 04:34 - United States - Midlothian

Spicy

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 631

You deserved it 4 049

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 035

You deserved it 38 245

By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 06:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 751

You deserved it 1 683

By Elcam - 16/10/2013 08:22 - Belgium

Today, I replaced a usually fun collegue's picture of his kids with a picture of my face against glass, so it looked I was inside the screen. Everyone laughed, but he reported me because I tried to "erase his children" and "if anything happens to them" it's now my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 734

You deserved it 5 599

By Anonymous - 07/09/2016 03:02 - Canada

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 078

You deserved it 2 561

An Expensive Snack

By Chihuahuanope - 08/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 843

You deserved it 752

By satisfied88 - 02/06/2011 14:49

Spicy

Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost 3 months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 610

You deserved it 16 023

Covidiots just wanna have fun

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 13:59

Spicy

Today, I've been in lockdown for so long, I got turned on by washing carrots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 193

By itssomething - 01/03/2016 20:15 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Spicy

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 503

You deserved it 2 612

By whooops - 15/08/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 449

You deserved it 57 676

Everybody does

By Bill - 30/05/2021 23:59 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, I’ve been unemployed for 5 months. My last job was for government in Canada and I was harassed by management, and deemed a threat to the building. Why? Someone complained I cough. I’ve been coughing for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 82

By FartyCar - 30/11/2018 17:30

Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when I went shopping 3 days ago. My whole car smells like farts now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 036

You deserved it 985

Nature calls

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 16:00

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 051

You deserved it 622

By minissaussette - 08/04/2016 23:39 - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 484

You deserved it 1 650

By Noname - 14/03/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 407

You deserved it 212 760

Emotional support

By Anonymous - 17/04/2021 08:00

Today, I was complaining to my nana about why I can’t get a date. She proceeded to point out my appearance, lack of brains, abrasive personality, poor clothing choices, tacky tattoos, and so on. Thanks nana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 1 169

By Ignorant - 07/10/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 823

You deserved it 850

By fuck_thisshit - 09/11/2009 10:27 - Australia

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A minus. All she said was "oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 287

You deserved it 53 715

By ididlookgood - 13/04/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I went to the gym that I just became a member of, making an extra effort to look good because I've heard there are hot guys there. The lady at the front desk said they need to take my picture, then took a second look and said, "Don't worry hun, we'll take it when you're more prepared." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 925

You deserved it 6 023

Whistleblower

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 20:01 - United States

Today, I discovered two senior doctors made misdiagnoses by ignoring protocols. When I confronted them, they denied it. My director told me not to turn them in, and I'm not financially stable enough to quit. The state licensing board only takes complaints from patients. I'm so sorry, I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 56

Alexa, play "Meat Is Murder" by The Smiths

By meat is meat - 07/10/2019 02:07

Today, my girlfriend went on yet another long-winded rant about how dogs are family and should be treated as such, whilst stuffing her face with ribs. I asked her what the difference was between a dog and the pile of pig parts on her plate. Her only response was to call me a monster and dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 2 271

By ashhatches - 27/06/2011 19:15 - United States

Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 390

You deserved it 62 422

Mr Empathy

By Anonymous - 24/10/2021 20:00

Today, over the past 48 hours, my husband has ignored a dog with a broken leg, because, “It’s not our dog, so it’s not our problem,” and also ignored a young lost boy crying for his mother in Asda, because, “He’s not our son, so who cares?” I think I want a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 224

Narcissistic parents strike again

By psychobunnycutie - 06/04/2021 05:00

Today, I got a call from my mom's new husband. It lasted 3 minutes and those 3 minutes were of him telling me how sad I make my mom for just existing, how jealous I make her because I'm living a life she wished she was. Turns out, she told him to call me and say that because I have her blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 277

You deserved it 85

By fatcat - 05/09/2018 16:30 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was told to stop processing certain transactions at work because I'd tried to make rich people follow the same tax rules that we force poor people to follow to the letter. I'm guessing it won't be too long till I'm fired and blacklisted from this career I've had ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 052

You deserved it 220

It's gettin' hott in here…

By Alan - 02/09/2015 20:13 - Germany

Today, I agreed to stay a week with my wife's parents, who she told me were traditional Japanese. I was prepared for having to wear Japanese clothes while in the house, but I wasn't prepared for communal bathing in the same huge bath with her father, grandfather, uncle and two brothers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 686

You deserved it 2 480

Nice guy

By Catherine - 13/05/2021 11:01

Today, I announced to my boyfriend of 5 years that I was pregnant. He gave me an ultimatum. Either I "get rid of it" because he’s "not ready to be a dad" or he’ll "put me out on the streets." I’m unemployed and have nowhere to go if I keep it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 281

You deserved it 312

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Top comments

Gunguy 11

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:31

Seems like a good financial move to me.

shanannygians07 28

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:31

You guys might as well get married.. think of the tax benefits.

Comments

Gunguy 11

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:31

Seems like a good financial move to me.

xSLEEPYxHEADx 22

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:32

Buy a house together while you're at it.

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:48

Since we're making wise financial choices, maybe give that foreign heir a shout, wire him the money he needs to receive his inheritance.

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Sunday 16 November 2014 1:45

What could possibly go wrong? Found yourself a guy that thinks he's a trophy... one word of advice: run

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Sunday 16 November 2014 3:12

You ruined the joke -_-

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Sunday 16 November 2014 4:10

For him anyway!

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Monday 17 November 2014 13:10

Can we all take a moment to appreciate OP's name. XD

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 17 November 2014 22:42

Good Will Hunting...

shanannygians07 28

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:31

You guys might as well get married.. think of the tax benefits.

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Sunday 16 November 2014 2:29

he gets the money you get the cock your name implies you're in search of

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Sunday 16 November 2014 4:24

I REMEMBER THAT FML!! LOL

yeyeboys 20

Sunday 16 November 2014 0:32

Ya, just as soon as he gets a job and you two get married.

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Sunday 16 November 2014 8:34

He ain't getting no job, he is a hustler.

nyte_assassin1 11

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:33

Hey at least he's not batshit crazy

chadermcchaf 16

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Sunday 16 November 2014 4:49

If this isn't being batshit crazy I wonder what is

nyte_assassin1 11

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Sunday 16 November 2014 5:06

"If you don't marry me I'll kill myself!" On the second date that's batshit crazy

jerryj 27

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:34

The question is: is he unemployed but rich?

theawkwardlife 21

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:56

I'm guessing no, since this is an FML..

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Sunday 16 November 2014 4:09

Yea, a friend of mine works at a bank and had to reject a clients request for a credit card since the client was unemployed. He was living of the interest the bank was paying him for keeping his money.

LightningNova 13

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:34

Cock-hunt?..

waroftheroses 16

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:45

I too #7 was wondering why OP was in a 'cock-hunt'...I mean it would be scary if they found a guy with a great personality instead..

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Sunday 16 November 2014 1:25

She's obviously hunting for chicken for one.

cryssycakesx3 22

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Sunday 16 November 2014 4:32

cock-a-doodle-do!

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Monday 17 November 2014 7:51

That's rather offensive, objectifying men like that! Had the genders been flipped and it said "pussy hunt," there would be bombardments of angry feminism comments.

waroftheroses 16

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 12:44

um #76 did you not realise OP's name is 'back to Cock-Hunting' and #7 was merely wondering what it was stated at. Also op is gay/bi so....Pretty sure there would be no 'pussy hunt' involved. Didn't see it as a sexest dig at men.

patd77 12

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:34

I pray you didn't

whatsittoyabitch 15

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:35

Now that's being ambitious

GirasolNegro 22

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:36

I hope OP meant the unemployed guy she WAS seeing, I wouldn't want to continue in a relationship like that...

xSLEEPYxHEADx 22

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:43

Right, hopefully OP finds Mr. Right

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Sunday 16 November 2014 8:13

hust because hes unemployed doesnt mean he doesnt deserve a chance you never know he might get a really good job

Arwen_Evenstar 37

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Monday 17 November 2014 0:37

He was after a joint account, presumably for access to her money, on the SECOND DATE. He does not deserve a chance.

ironhead_fml 20

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:37

RED FLAG WARNING!

xSLEEPYxHEADx 22

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Sunday 16 November 2014 0:41

STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!!!

nyte_assassin1 11

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Sunday 16 November 2014 2:31

The fucks up with your profile pic

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Sunday 16 November 2014 5:08

that picture with the message xD

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 29

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 195

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 265