Miscellaneous: Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud... - FML

By Jyocka - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

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Instadrama

Mind control

Call CPS!

By Katsuria - 25/7/2020 14:01

Unreasonable

Today, my mother disowned me because I wouldn’t fill out her visa application for France so that she can see her boyfriend. The reason why I refused was because my husband and I are on our honeymoon, and would like to spend some time together. I guess that makes me a “useless” daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was waiting inside the shelter at the bus stop when a lady came up to me and asked if I would mind if she peed. FML

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By district12 - United Kingdom

Today, my family started their own version of the Hunger Games. With farts as their ammo, they've been tackling and gassing everyone until their victim "dies" by surrendering. My house is a flatulent war zone, and I fear waking up blind. FML

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By Clunker - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

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By sting - United States - Valencia

Today, I broke a glass case containing my pet scorpions. I still can't find them. FML

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By Jillian Drute - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

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By GrossedOut - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By strangely - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, I received a restraining order from a girl I have never met. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I carpooled with my co-worker whose girlfriend has left him. The radio was playing the song "Jar of Hearts." He then began to sing intensely, and broke down crying. FML

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By Sam - Belgium

Today, on the way to an exam I saw a car accident happen. I stopped, helped the woman who was injured and waited for the paramedics. I was too late at school, the teacher didn't buy my excuse and I failed the exam. It was an examination of my first aid skills. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2021 02:01

On a scale of 1 to Annoying…

Today, I was telling my friend how much I love my 20-year-old kitchen scale, because it has this one handy function that even new ones don’t have. Later, my mom melted it on the stove and isn’t even convinced she should buy me a new one. FML

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By mud - United States - Raleigh

Slippy!

Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML

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By anon - United States - Springfield

Today, at work, one of the elderly residents dropped a turd on the floor. I went to go get the nurse but couldn't find her. Upon returning to the scene, another resident picked it up and placed it in my hand, thinking it was mud. Now my nickname at work is 'Nugget'. FML

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By Eloy Ymer - Netherlands

Today, I found out I sleepwalk. How you might ask? By awakening the moment just before I fell from the stairs. I was better off sleeping. FML

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By needofmoney - United States

Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML

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By Emil - United States

Today, I was caught stealing a video game. I realized after my parents were called that the case was actually empty. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work. We were really getting into it when we were rudely interrupted by dozens of salamanders crawling up our legs. I had forgotten to lock the cage before we started. FML

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By Mal2222 - United States

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

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By WasntMe

In the words of Shaggy...

Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML

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By ajnmegs - United States - Aurora

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

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By naladetet - United States - Newark

Today, I accidentally called my boss 'mom'. Now she is jokingly telling everyone that I'm the long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, because she knew I'd be a failure. FML

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By gaggin - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

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By Username

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

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By "BunnysKitty"

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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By myfamilyisodd - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By Tori

Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML

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By sad as shit - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 7/11/2020 08:01

Don't try this at home

Today, I found out what it feels like to put in a contact while drunk. My eye still hurts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

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By lorahayes - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

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By full of losses - United States

Today, the day after my grandfather's funeral, my grandmother informed me I have 30 days to move out. I've been living with them for four years, helping take care of my sick grandfather. She's already changed the locks and won't unlock the door. FML

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By Max

Today, I sent a thank you note after a job interview, emphasizing my accuracy at editing written reports; I misspelled the company's name. FML

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By girlgirlinsanity - United States

Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML

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By sadness1992 - United States - San Diego

Today, my girlfriend decided to invite her best friend over for a threesome. This would've been the best day ever, had I not been at work while it was taking place. FML

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By Fire_Princess16

Today, my boyfriend managed to convince me that Australia was called a penal colony because all the prisoners were men. FML

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By rick - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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By clementine_k - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

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Top comments

By Nbarbosa | 0

#2415162 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

yay, Wasaaaaaabii!!!!! (Annoying orange =D)

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2415306 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:08

You sure know how to spice things up.

COMMENTS

By 360XBOXFTW | 0

#2415157 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:45

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Dudelike89 | 8

#2416092 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:13

I predict this relationship will last.

Reply

Not_so_innocent1 | 5

#2420816 - Thursday 28 April 2011 3:00

congrats, you're officially a jackass (sarcasm)

Reply

alr158 | 18

#6071169 - Monday 22 September 2014 8:16

If you were so "elegant" with the chopsticks, you would not have needed to touch the wasabi with your fingers!

By Nbarbosa | 0

#2415162 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

yay, Wasaaaaaabii!!!!! (Annoying orange =D)

Reply

officeradvil | 8

#2415950 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:31

Wasabi as many of us are used to is just dyed horseradish. Real wasabi is derived from the wasabi root, which is quite expensive. Due to its high cost, most establishments use the dyed horseradish.

Reply

samsanpoet | 0

#2416029 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:59

on a side note thats nocturne : D! nice pic!

Reply

sxcsatan999 | 2

#2416249 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:58

makes sense as to why I hate the shit

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#2417338 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 16:32

real wasabis green

Reply

nalia18 | 8

#2421930 - Thursday 28 April 2011 6:17

#21 thank you for the very smart ass lecture on... wasabi....

and i agree. i hate that shit too.

Reply

whitesox365 | 0

#2422039 - Thursday 28 April 2011 7:08

21, its that smartass mailman from the show cheers!

By Radek18 | 0

#2415169 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

that's hot

Reply

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#2415197 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:50

yes,yes it is indeed.

Reply

hubla | 0

#2418423 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 21:29

do you have any buttered toast?

Reply

jessthebest3 | 0

#2419803 - Thursday 28 April 2011 0:47

Wayy sexy.

By pinkp909 | 8

#2415199 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:51

first ad last date.

Reply

pinkp909 | 8

#2415233 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:55

*and

Reply

Bill3485 | 3

#2416214 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:44

maybe their date was impressed by this graceful screaming in pain thing. you just never know

Reply

pinkp909 | 8

#2422172 - Thursday 28 April 2011 8:34

ahahaha yes that definitely could be a possibility.

By joebahwbp | 0

#2415205 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:51

SUSHAYYYYYYY!!!!

By CockRocket | 0

#2415208 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:51

This is why you should always wear an Eyepatch on each Eye for a first date.

Reply

missy_lynn012 | 0

#2415345 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:13

hence: a blind date. :)

By mariazzz | 5

#2415217 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:52

lmao

By Pizzamaster | 0

#2415243 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:56

ouch! I know how that feel lol

By borkchop1992 | 15

#2415261 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:01

i love you

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2415306 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:08

You sure know how to spice things up.