Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud... - FML

By Jyocka - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

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Serious times

He has issues

Devious, the lot of them

By Urgghh - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

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By Cano951 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By mmv - United States

Today, I took my car into the shop to get a minor problem fixed. I left several hours later, without my car. Why? The mechanic crashed it while out on a test drive to make sure he'd fixed the problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML

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By Jordan - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML

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By weirdlove - Australia

Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating an icecream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

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By KillahCam - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By Locked Out - United States

Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds have made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML

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By earplugsplease - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I went to visit my sister, who lives four hours away from me. I'd only just sat down on their couch when her husband told me I needed to leave so they could have sex. FML

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By Nomoreballs - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I went to an amusement park with my ex in the hopes of re-kindling our relationship. While taking a break at the petting zoo, I got rammed in the balls by a goat. She laughed and patted the goat. FML

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By nofatchicks - United States - Tampa

Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML

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By drooooooool - United States

Today, I was taking medicine for my sinus problems and trying to write an essay. I got most of the way done, then unexpectedly fell asleep on my keyboard. When I woke up, my face was wet. I drowned my laptop in my drool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings and heels. When I walked out the door my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriends house I told him what my dad had said and he replied "I'd have to agree with him." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By Oops

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

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By Sooz - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, after 6 months of sex, my boyfriend showered himself with praise for managing, for the first time ever, to stretch the act out to a full minute. FML

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By macguy - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I got mugged. For my Big Mac. What the fuck? FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

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By Talvesh - United States

Today, I had my six month employee review. My manager said that my attendance was good, and I was exceeding my targets performance wise. My reward, a five cent per hour pay cut. Apparently the rate at which I started is too high to meet their current pay scale. FML

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By poopedon - Canada

Today, I was at the beach and fell asleep in the sun. When I woke up, there was a blob of sunscreen on my leg. Thinking it was my boyfriend who was sweet enough to squeeze sunscreen for me, I rubbed it into my leg. After smelling my hands, I discovered it was bird poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

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By Bree

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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By gassy - United States - Winter Garden

Today, whilst still trying to potty train my puppy and keep her from both peeing and pooping in the house, my lactose intolerance kicked in full fledge. Every time I pass gas, she smells poop and believes it's okay to immediately drop a deuce on the carpet. FML

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By rollergirl13 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

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By Mrs.Slyfox - Canada

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he'd resolved all the issues with his ex and is getting back together with her. Normally I could tolerate this if it weren't for the fact that I just moved to a different country to live with him, and turned down a university and a scholarship. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML

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By [email protected] - 25/12/2019 20:00

Just in case

Today, a customer threatened to kick my balls in if I didn’t give her a hot chocolate. I had already explained to her that it wasn’t working. She’s a regular so anytime I see her now I cover my balls just in case. FML

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By Morgan - United States

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

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By thoughtidseenitall - United States - Englewood

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

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By - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By lrn2spel, teach - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

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By Trainwreck - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

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By Mark - United States - Knoxville

Today, I asked out a coworker I really like. She gave me a weird look and said, "You're not gay?" I said no, to which she said, "Well, I am". As it turns out, I was the only one who thought she was straight, and the only one who thought I was straight. FML

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By dammitRandy - United States - Kearny

Today, we had a fish fry for Father's Day. I ended up getting a fish bone lodged in my tonsil, and I had to rush to the bathroom to pull it out. I threw up three times in the process and still didn't manage to get the bone out. FML

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By r u kidding me? - 9/6/2020 20:00

Whatthefuckaburger

Today, after my girlfriend continuously whined for hours about a specific burger place, I finally gave in and we drove nearly two hours to get there. Once in line, she looked at the menu, then decided everything had too many calories and wanted to go home. She doesn’t get why I’m pissed. FML

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By Anonymous - China

Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML

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By I'm donnnneeee - United States - Slidell

Today, I finished a 6-part project. It took me 7 hours of straight work because my partner decided I should do it alone. I then learned that the reason my partner did not help me was because the teacher e-mailed the leader of every group, saying the project was cancelled. FML

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Top comments

By Nbarbosa | 0

#2415162 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

yay, Wasaaaaaabii!!!!! (Annoying orange =D)

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2415306 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:08

You sure know how to spice things up.

COMMENTS

By 360XBOXFTW | 0

#2415157 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Dudelike89 | 8

#2416092 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:13

I predict this relationship will last.

Reply

Not_so_innocent1 | 5

#2420816 - Thursday 28 April 2011 3:00

congrats, you're officially a jackass (sarcasm)

Reply

alr158 | 18

#6071169 - Monday 22 September 2014 8:16

If you were so "elegant" with the chopsticks, you would not have needed to touch the wasabi with your fingers!

By Nbarbosa | 0

#2415162 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

yay, Wasaaaaaabii!!!!! (Annoying orange =D)

Reply

officeradvil | 8

#2415950 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:31

Wasabi as many of us are used to is just dyed horseradish. Real wasabi is derived from the wasabi root, which is quite expensive. Due to its high cost, most establishments use the dyed horseradish.

Reply

samsanpoet | 0

#2416029 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:59

on a side note thats nocturne : D! nice pic!

Reply

sxcsatan999 | 2

#2416249 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:58

makes sense as to why I hate the shit

Reply

j_cat187 | 19

#2417338 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 16:32

real wasabis green

Reply

nalia18 | 8

#2421930 - Thursday 28 April 2011 6:17

#21 thank you for the very smart ass lecture on... wasabi....

and i agree. i hate that shit too.

Reply

whitesox365 | 0

#2422039 - Thursday 28 April 2011 7:08

21, its that smartass mailman from the show cheers!

By Radek18 | 0

#2415169 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:46

that's hot

Reply

SnowFlakeInAK | 7

#2415197 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:50

yes,yes it is indeed.

Reply

hubla | 0

#2418423 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 21:29

do you have any buttered toast?

Reply

jessthebest3 | 0

#2419803 - Thursday 28 April 2011 0:47

Wayy sexy.

By pinkp909 | 8

#2415199 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:51

first ad last date.

Reply

pinkp909 | 8

#2415233 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:55

*and

Reply

Bill3485 | 3

#2416214 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 10:44

maybe their date was impressed by this graceful screaming in pain thing. you just never know

Reply

pinkp909 | 8

#2422172 - Thursday 28 April 2011 8:34

ahahaha yes that definitely could be a possibility.

By joebahwbp | 0

#2415205 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:51

SUSHAYYYYYYY!!!!

By CockRocket | 0

#2415208 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:51

This is why you should always wear an Eyepatch on each Eye for a first date.

Reply

missy_lynn012 | 0

#2415345 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:13

hence: a blind date. :)

By mariazzz | 5

#2415217 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:52

lmao

By Pizzamaster | 0

#2415243 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:56

ouch! I know how that feel lol

By borkchop1992 | 15

#2415261 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:01

i love you

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#2415306 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:08

You sure know how to spice things up.