Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally...

By Anonymous - 16/07/2019 14:30

Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 028

You deserved it 270

How could you forget?

Death wish

Stand up guy

Time to move out!

By tsunami - 10/09/2018 03:30

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 740

You deserved it 221

Blue Christmas

By xlees - 02/12/2021 16:58 - New Zealand

Today, my mum told me she would rather spend Christmas with her boyfriend than with her own family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 141

By Anonymous - 05/02/2016 19:15 - United States - Easley

Today, as I walked around town I noticed some guys and even a couple of girls checked me out. When I got home later I realized they probably weren't checking me out, so much as wondering why the hell I had thick black eyeliner on only one eye. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 660

You deserved it 5 231

By Anonymous - 02/06/2013 04:36 - United States

Today, I won a local arm-wrestling tournament. Too bad I have to use the prize money to repair the tendon I tore in the competition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 904

You deserved it 15 803

Caught

By luckoftheirish - 18/07/2021 11:01

Today, I found out that masturbating on an airplane isn't frowned upon like they say in the movie 'The Hangover'. It's actually illegal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 2 603

By livvlynette - 27/02/2010 10:15 - Australia

Today, I went to a family funeral. Talking to my grandfather, trying the make chitchat, he says "You're gaining weight, aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 066

You deserved it 4 243

By unicorn - 13/09/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 633

You deserved it 12 880

By meesh22 - 06/10/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 004

You deserved it 7 913

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 381

You deserved it 4 527

By Anonymous - 11/07/2013 17:08 - United States - Fresno

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 650

You deserved it 54 081

By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 05:25 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 870

You deserved it 1 953

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 08:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 667

You deserved it 2 953

By WellPlayedMother - 24/08/2016 06:15

Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually lose anything. Instead, my mom drunkenly admitted to tossing my stuff away and then punishing me for it whenever she was mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 706

You deserved it 1 020

Fuck those dudes

By Tia - 27/10/2021 17:00

Today, my Tinder date said it wasn’t gonna work, all because, I “need to lose some extra pounds.” Last week, I'd had another Tinder date and he told me he’d continue seeing me if I dropped at least 30 pounds. I think I get the hint now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 337

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 170

You deserved it 253

By Shelby - 19/06/2012 16:38 - United States - Nokomis

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 868

You deserved it 17 260

Fishing

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 18:00

Today, I was looking at my boyfriend's rarely-used Facebook page as he was next to me. Last time he was online over a year ago, he had something up that said, "Still looking for that perfect girl." I jokingly said he should update it. He responded, "Why? It's still true." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 318

By Anonymous - 17/01/2012 06:13 - Canada

Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 108

You deserved it 11 235

Passionate

By Anonymous - 09/10/2020 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate in an alley. He pushed me up against a wall and started kissing me, but he pushed me so hard I cut open my head and needed 10 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 441

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 811

You deserved it 2 412

Feed me!

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 08:01 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Today, my Visa card randomly stopped working. I have no other way of getting money or paying for anything. I was going to buy next week's food tomorrow, but I guess I'll just starve instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 745

You deserved it 154

By Anonymous - 04/10/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 392

You deserved it 3 565

By Kyle - 05/01/2012 06:58 - United States

Today, I jokingly mocked my dad about his age. He jokingly poured milk all over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 889

You deserved it 35 876

By Anonymous - 26/10/2013 03:03 - United States - Tampa

Today, someone popped my birthday balloon at school. Her reasoning was that she "didn't want people to know we have the same birthday." Who popped it? My identical twin sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 265

You deserved it 3 681

Thanks, I guess…

By edible - 20/05/2009 20:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend by sending her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who'd delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 482

You deserved it 4 070

Poor Mr Nibbles

By Karlo Kračun - 09/07/2020 08:08

Today, my mom wanted to surprise me by buying me a hamster. When I got into her car, I was actually surprised and even said, "Hi" to the hamster. When we got home, the hamster was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 574

You deserved it 98

By jess - 08/04/2012 14:30 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and decided to make my mom a special Easter breakfast in bed. I pre-heated the oven to bake the sausage just the way she likes. Guess where my easter basket was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 706

You deserved it 6 983

By mikey51 - 10/03/2012 01:56 - Australia

Today, I was taking a dump, when my dad shouted for me to go wash the dishes. Fed up with his constant shit, I told him to bite me. He took this as an invitation to wedge the bathroom door shut for nearly two hours, despite all my pleas and apologies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 593

You deserved it 41 472

By Animal_aide - 07/01/2010 18:42 - Canada

Today, I got my car back from the repair shop. After paying $400 for them to fix the scratches on the driver's side door, some one decided to key both sides of my car while I was on my lunch break from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 956

You deserved it 2 946

Parental approval

By Conor Moreau - 18/08/2020 23:02

Today, I left my favorite hoodie in the kitchen. Not 5 seconds after I left the kitchen to go to my room, I overheard my dad say, "Any chance we can just throw that out before he notices?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 386

Haunted house

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 151

By Me - 11/11/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 188

You deserved it 1 646

Genetics

By Anonymous - 29/09/2021 17:00

Today, my twin sister gave birth and somehow now weighs less than before she was pregnant. She also has huge boobs now and not a stretch mark in sight. Meanwhile, I’m still carrying an extra 15 pounds, even though I gave birth 5 years ago, and so many stretch marks I look like a fat zebra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 100

You deserved it 243

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 14:36 - United States

Today, a girl I work with was talking to me in an Eeyore voice. I'm not sure if it's because she's sad and pathetic, or if she thinks I'm sad and pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 805

You deserved it 3 890

By Simon Cowell - 08/09/2018 20:30

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 211

You deserved it 841

Dating apps suck

By probablydeadbymidnight - 01/07/2012 22:57 - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 329

You deserved it 7 785

By nocat6 - 15/09/2014 03:07 - United States - Northville

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 096

You deserved it 3 054

By MegahnDN - 11/06/2010 14:33 - United States

Today, my kitten decided that having diarrhea was not a good enough reason to stop running in circles around my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 700

You deserved it 4 162

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 845

You deserved it 3 849

Blue Christmas

By Anonymous - 07/12/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I legally separated from my wife, after many months of her refusing to do any form of self-care. She doesn't wash, exercise, eat full meals other than fast food and she doesn't make any effort to be involved in me or who I am as a person. Christmas is going to be awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 146

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Top comments

krowjpg 3

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Tuesday 16 July 2019 23:47

you could give a woman an infection using corn starch. dont do this.

zeeba_neighba 10

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Thursday 18 July 2019 5:39

Husband needs to get his priorities straight. Has he heard of taxis and Uber❔

Comments

Gamesalami 8

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Tuesday 16 July 2019 20:13

if you ever need lube in a pinch put 1 cup of water and 4 teaspoons of corn starch in a small sauce pan and bring it to a boil, mix it for about 30 seconds while it's really going and let it chill for a bit afterwards. Knowing this has saved me a ton of money and time

krowjpg 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 July 2019 23:47

you could give a woman an infection using corn starch. dont do this.

Gamesalami 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 16 July 2019 23:50

it's entirely water soluble, and I've used it for years

zeeba_neighba 10

Send a private message

Thursday 18 July 2019 5:39

Husband needs to get his priorities straight. Has he heard of taxis and Uber❔

frustratedmama126 2

Send a private message

Tuesday 23 July 2019 14:16

OP here, his brother was drunk to the point where an Uber wouldn't have picked him up. Flat ground was a challenge for him to navigate. On another note, someone watched the baby the next Friday and he called again. Pretty sure the kid will be in school before I have sex. FML x2

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 15

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 388

You deserved it 1 069

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 1 214