Work: Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man...

By Bartender - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35424

You deserved it

2617

Favorite

Work

Sorry…

Stress level: 2020

It's not unusual

By ew - United States - Titusville

Today, someone told me that my initials really fit my personality. I took it as a strange compliment, until I realized my initials spell "ew". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47731

You deserved it

4607

Favorite

By babypenguin00 - United States - Newark

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26947

You deserved it

1925

Favorite

By Tay - Australia

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28460

You deserved it

2711

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove my husband's car to the mall because my car was in the shop. The bumper was being repaired because I got rear ended while stopped at a traffic light. While stopped at the same intersection I got rear ended again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36809

You deserved it

3841

Favorite

By nyu - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14069

You deserved it

24373

Favorite

By Nose bleed - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44124

You deserved it

7759

Favorite

By Brayden - Australia - Crib Point

Today, the person I was driving behind put their car in reverse and backed straight into me. I was then yelled at and told, "I had my reversing lights on! Why didn't you move?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

24208

You deserved it

1743

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Bolton

Today, I went for a jog. I was 5 km away from home when I had a sudden urge to poop. I didn't want to use the bushes, so I thought I could hold it in. I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26653

You deserved it

5776

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma is refusing to talk to me because I didn't answer her phone calls while we were at a parade. I was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29756

You deserved it

2052

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23121

You deserved it

4234

Favorite

By gotta love my momma - United States - Folsom

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36092

You deserved it

11211

Favorite

By Ouch - United States - Amelia

Today, I found out that unlike in movies, you really don't know you're shot until you see the gunshot wound. Then, once the adrenaline wears off, it's complete agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6922

You deserved it

420

Favorite

By blahmina - United States

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23791

You deserved it

2350

Favorite

By Marissa Di Stefano - 5/1/2021 17:01

Leave me out of it

Today, my sister and mom were arguing. My sister was being really nasty to my mom, and decided to get nasty with me and drag me into the argument. Naturally, I got nasty back at her and we started fighting. My mom yelled at me for getting nasty with my sister, and kicked me out of the house for “being too nasty.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

730

You deserved it

160

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 23:02

Alexa, play "Noise Annoys" by Buzzcocks

Today, I found out my mother only uses two settings for volume on her laptop: maximum volume or completely quiet. She'll play it over whatever other people are doing, and then get mad when they tell her to turn it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1225

You deserved it

Favorite

By Jilly - Australia

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37992

You deserved it

5278

Favorite

By sayroshi - United States

Today, my 3-year-old son decided to pull down his pants and pee outside as our local city's parade had just started marching down the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10328

You deserved it

1300

Favorite

By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26780

You deserved it

16167

Favorite

By otherdad?

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3761

You deserved it

415

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32397

You deserved it

13186

Favorite

By unluckylassy - Ireland

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56982

You deserved it

6168

Favorite

By so sad no dad

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2497

You deserved it

253

Favorite

By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33308

You deserved it

6447

Favorite

By fml - United States - Billerica

Today, they introduced us to this cheesy school email program. I was trying to be funny and made a draft and sent it to "All" and I typed, "Thanos did nothing wrong." The send button was right next to the discard email button. I sent,"Thanos did nothing wrong" to every kid and teacher at school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

715

You deserved it

2987

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a two-hour bus ride to get to orientation, got stuck a block away because the pedestrian sidewalk was closed, waited half-an-hour for my ride in the rain, when someone called the cops on me for acting suspicious. I got to the interview soaking wet, and they told me they'd rescheduled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19780

You deserved it

1321

Favorite

By - Canada

Submission

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2337

You deserved it

1763

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Salinas

Today, my girlfriend of over four years cheated on me in revenge for me abandoning our date last night. I'm a surgeon on call at the local hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67674

You deserved it

4134

Favorite

By RequilaRainbow - Canada

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32607

You deserved it

4304

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18339

You deserved it

2301

Favorite

By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States - Montpelier

Today, I attempted to make a good impression amongst new coworkers by volunteering to be the designated driver at my work party. What did that get me? A backseat full of puke and some idiot too drunk to remember where he lived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39386

You deserved it

9105

Favorite

By me - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29406

You deserved it

3456

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a really nice guy. He was funny, handsome, and we were both into each other. He told me his name, and when I replied with mine, it came out sounding like "I'm a bear." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21868

You deserved it

16323

Favorite

By virginmary - United States

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37374

You deserved it

3168

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37427

You deserved it

7633

Favorite

By FlyingFist - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26029

You deserved it

3429

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, the man I've been dating for four months said he could see I had feelings for him, and he was mad because it made things complicated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3370

You deserved it

311

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate and I invited a few girls over to our dorm for a small party. We started to play a drinking game, and I attempted to chug three beers in two minutes. My stomach wouldn't have that, and I spewed up bright red chunks everywhere and on everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8046

You deserved it

44688

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45985

You deserved it

5934

Favorite

By bet a woman would've been thanked - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I was out jogging, when I saw a girl fall off her bike and start crying. I ran over to see if she was hurt. Apparently her neighbour thought I was trying to kidnap her, because he ran out with a baseball bat and threatened to beat me to death if I didn't get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51004

You deserved it

3092

Favorite

By qwertyasdfghzxcv - Canada

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20582

You deserved it

27188

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6095443 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:22

Wow in prison half a pack gets you dinner and sex! Epitome of class.

By KayDee29 | 31

#6095439 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:19

I hope he at least offered you good cigarettes after all that.

COMMENTS

By KayDee29 | 31

#6095439 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:19

I hope he at least offered you good cigarettes after all that.

californiapoppy | 11

#6095451 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:29

And then you could have poured the jar of puke on him

By GoldFishPony | 21

#6095440 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:20

Cmon, at least offer a full pack.

By ghetto_child | 19

#6095441 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:20

What was your answer...?

sayyestothedress | 24

#6095610 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:31

This NEEDS a follow up

By Melayia | 14

#6095442 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:20

Half a pack of cigarettes?! He mustve thought youre quite the catch, with the price of the darn things lately..

By devildog562 | 33

#6095443 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:22

Wow in prison half a pack gets you dinner and sex! Epitome of class.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6095481 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 9:25

Damn it, I knew I should have been charging more than just two smokes!

By TanzWolf | 26

#6095444 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:22

How much was in the tip jar?

devildog562 | 33

#6095446 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:26

Half a pint, a piece of chicken from dinner, two pieces of gum, and $15.13.

Kallian_fml | 21

#6095460 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:40

So basically, not enough to be worth retrieving.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6095827 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 17:26

don't forget the puke

orbit | 22

#6095835 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 17:30

mmmm chicken

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6095445 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:25

At least he offered you something! That's better than 69% of the population.

Indianboy9321 | 25

#6095488 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 9:55

Not sure if percentage was randomly made up or was an attempt at a sexual innuendo-based pun...

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6096178 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 22:20

I'd say both #21

By Sonjington | 20

#6095447 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:26

end end

By DocDrose | 20

#6095448 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:27

I would've told him, "it's a deal. as long as you buy me a drink". it'd be like the old catch 22.

By junkman6 | 22

#6095454 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:32

And people say chivalry is dead! That was your Prince Charming riding in on a booze horse OP!