Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man...

By Bartender - 20/10/2014 21:04 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

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Work

Boozehound alert

Fashion Police

My body, my choice

By Wilhelm - 26/4/2016 14:47 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By dadyoureacunt - 21/9/2013 13:10 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my dad made a big show of sending me to my room and grounding me for a week. Not because he heard me cursing at my video game, but because I "swear like a little girl" and it embarrassed him in front of his friends. FML

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By 5.9Cummins - 11/9/2011 03:18 - Canada

Today, the hillbillies who inhabit the apartment above mine got karaoke machine. It's 1 a.m. and they're singing Achy Breaky Heart. FML

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By I'm out - 6/9/2016 17:02 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found a thong at my boyfriend's house. When I confronted him about it, he panicked and claimed it was his mom's. Right. FML

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By Muina - 23/10/2015 11:08 - Morocco - Mekn?s

Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML

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By NoBikesForYou - 26/9/2013 22:56 - Israel - Ramla

Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML

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By - 31/12/2009 18:23 - France

Today, I crashed my car racing backwards and told my parents I was rear ended. They made me call the police and file a report. I hope there were no cameras. FML

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By cheaphubbyswife - 4/4/2009 09:19 - Canada

Today, I took my son for a walk to tell him about the passing of our family dog. As we were walking by the river, Ozzy (our deceased dog) was laying on the riverbank. My son thought he just ran away and we found him. Turns out my husband was too cheap to pay the 100$ vet disposal fees. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

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By knuckleheadknock - 10/11/2016 02:11

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

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By anthony - 25/11/2015 12:32 - Luxembourg

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

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By mwja - 26/2/2011 22:59 - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

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By - 6/12/2019 20:00

I'm not blind

Today, after going on a blind date with a man I had met on facebook, we decided to go back to his apartment. All was going good until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML

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By Alex - 5/2/2016 22:55 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

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By oxymorons - 5/9/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter or my son. Turns out they all are. FML

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By First Kiss - 7/12/2012 12:39 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after a romantic dinner, movie, and stroll in the park, we had our first kiss. It would have been perfect, had a passerby not thrown rubbish at us for "unnecessary public display of affection." FML

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By Username - 1/4/2011 17:50 - United States

Today, my friend called me at work to tell me that someone had hit my motorcycle and that it was in pretty bad shape. I chuckled and waited for the "April fools" that would follow. A picture of my wrecked bike came instead. FML

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By :( - 27/1/2014 22:31 - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

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By hoolagirl4422 - 20/9/2013 11:23 - Hong Kong - Kennedy Town

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

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By Subliminal message - 19/1/2014 23:21 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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By jballer - 22/3/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML

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By John-John - 6/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By Chaznuts - 8/9/2009 06:22 - Australia

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

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By EdibleCape - 28/5/2020 23:00

Nerves of steel

Today, I went out with my best girl friend to spice up my wardrobe. I recently broken up with my girlfriend, who was constantly flip-flopping from being in love with me to being apathetic towards me. After having a great day, on the way home my ex pulled up next to our car and I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By k8thagr8 - 1/3/2015 02:47 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I slipped on some ice and wrecked my back. When my husband and I went to go to bed, he begged me to take one of the pain pills left over from his recent surgery. Not so I could feel better and get some rest, but so he could have sex. FML

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By anon - 28/9/2015 03:27 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

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By Bacular - 6/2/2010 09:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 04:46 - Australia

Today, I was doing photography, and decided to climb onto the roof of a building to photograph the city. I dropped a square of chocolate over the edge just to appreciate the height. Apparently somebody saw me, I was arrested and am now being charged for trespassing and firing missiles. FML

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By suxx - 25/6/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By chicochico - 19/12/2008 16:05 - France

Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!" FML

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By stuck - 7/11/2012 15:00 - United States - California

Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

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By ThatGuy24 - 26/9/2019 22:00

Booming economy!

Today, it's my birthday and it would be a great day if me and my wife weren’t literally too poor to celebrate it. To make it even better, she won’t have birthday sex with me, because we live with her mom and she’s afraid of her hearing us. FML

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By tumbleshay - 21/3/2015 01:32 - United States - Veneta

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

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By Sadness - 7/10/2013 18:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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By Brian - 20/11/2012 15:50 - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

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By OfficeSlave - 25/8/2011 21:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my company is paying more for hors d'oeuvres at one party than I will receive for my entire year long internship. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

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By un_christmas - 25/12/2012 06:41 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, my boyfriend and I were having Christmas dinner while his mom was away. I was lying alone on his bed while he did the dishes, when the bedroom door dramatically swung open and his mom glared at me from the doorway. I had to leave when she screamed "FORNICATION IS A SIN!" FML

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By wherermypants - 2/8/2012 05:10 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that when I'm drunk, I hate wearing clothes. And it doesn't matter who is around to see it, not even my soon-to-be father-in-law. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6095443 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:22

Wow in prison half a pack gets you dinner and sex! Epitome of class.

By KayDee29 | 31

#6095439 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:19

I hope he at least offered you good cigarettes after all that.

COMMENTS

By KayDee29 | 31

#6095439 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:19

I hope he at least offered you good cigarettes after all that.

californiapoppy | 11

#6095451 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:29

And then you could have poured the jar of puke on him

By GoldFishPony | 21

#6095440 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:20

Cmon, at least offer a full pack.

By ghetto_child | 19

#6095441 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:20

What was your answer...?

sayyestothedress | 24

#6095610 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:31

This NEEDS a follow up

By Melayia | 14

#6095442 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:20

Half a pack of cigarettes?! He mustve thought youre quite the catch, with the price of the darn things lately..

By devildog562 | 33

#6095443 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:22

Wow in prison half a pack gets you dinner and sex! Epitome of class.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6095481 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 9:25

Damn it, I knew I should have been charging more than just two smokes!

By TanzWolf | 26

#6095444 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:22

How much was in the tip jar?

devildog562 | 33

#6095446 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:26

Half a pint, a piece of chicken from dinner, two pieces of gum, and $15.13.

Kallian_fml | 21

#6095460 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:40

So basically, not enough to be worth retrieving.

invadermaythe1st | 35

#6095827 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 17:26

don't forget the puke

orbit | 22

#6095835 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 17:30

mmmm chicken

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6095445 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:25

At least he offered you something! That's better than 69% of the population.

Indianboy9321 | 25

#6095488 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 9:55

Not sure if percentage was randomly made up or was an attempt at a sexual innuendo-based pun...

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6096178 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 22:20

I'd say both #21

By Sonjington | 20

#6095447 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:26

end end

By DocDrose | 20

#6095448 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:27

I would've told him, "it's a deal. as long as you buy me a drink". it'd be like the old catch 22.

By junkman6 | 22

#6095454 - Tuesday 21 October 2014 8:32

And people say chivalry is dead! That was your Prince Charming riding in on a booze horse OP!