Miscellaneous: Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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Mother of the year

A saint

Thanks for the heads up

By Grandson - United States - Ontario

Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2020 14:08 - United States

Management 101

Today, I once again got less than 20 hours of work for the entire week. My boss's solution? Double the staff. FML

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By c-mack - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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By Anonymous

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By cutup - United States - Gainesville

Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

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By juanjohnfml - United States

Today, I bought a $300 gym membership that gives me access to the company's non-premium gyms. The non-premium gyms are all closed due to construction, because they're being turned into premium gyms. FML

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By redhead - United States - Lima

Well Played

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, I was woken up and kicked out of my friend's party at 3:00 in the morning. This wouldn't have been so bad if someone hadn't stolen my shoes. I had to walk for an hour in the rain, in my socks. FML

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By SheaLili - United States

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

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By Wendizzle - United States

Today, I had to work late. I missed the last bus so I called a cab. That was 3 hours ago. I called my dad for a ride. That was 2 hours ago. I guess I'm sleeping under my desk tonight. FML

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By RyanM - France

Today, I found out what people really think about the beard I've been proudly growing for over a month. It appears that my face now looks like an unshaven ballsack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was sleeping, I got naked and sat on top of him. He woke up and I asked him if he would rather stay awake or go back to sleep, in hopes that he would stay awake and want to do some naughty stuff with me. His response? To grab my butt, and then go back to sleep. FML

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By Nicky_ham - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

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By WeightAMinute - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

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By Loveless - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

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By stelno - United States

Today, my wife and I were out with another couple we're friends with. When we went back to their house we looked at old pictures. They showed us a great picture, and I said "It would've been a lot better if that fat chick didn't ruin it in the background." It was the woman from the couple. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my car horn got some sort of short and started beeping every 20 seconds or so. On the way to get it fixed, I got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Behind a cop car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 02:01

Nags

Today, ever since the company I worked for closed because of COVID, it took me 6 months to find a new job, during which time my wife and in-laws nagged me to get one. Now I have, my wife has asked for a divorce and I absolutely hate my new job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

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By birgz

Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

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By dac5

Lowered expectations

Today, I was told that couldn’t become assistant manager of my job anymore. I already told my family I was going to be one, and they'd all said how proud of me they were. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

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By Joseph N - United States

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both myspace and facebook before saying to me that he was "Too busy to have sex." FML

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By cookiecrust - Singapore

Today, I found out from my mom that the sweet smelling shampoo she bought recently belongs to Tammi. I've been using it for a week now. The chocolate drops I ate yesterday are also hers. Tammi is our pet Chihuahua. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss asked for recommendations on how to improve the office. I sent her an e-mail full of my ideas. Later, my boss sent me a reply, saying, "Here's what head office thinks of your ideas." It contained a list of insults upper management made about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 14:01

Bricked

Today, I blew out the dust from my GPU, and when I went to reinstall it, it turned out that I had inadvertently shorted something and now it's dead. FML

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By Why? - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By Order of the Dangling Testicles - United States - Astoria

Today, I moved back into my dorm. My ex-girlfriend, and the guy she left me for, now cohabit next door. Now I get to hear them screwing while I try to do my homework. FML

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By .... - United States - Modesto

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

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By Bjax

Shame on you!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

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By upset

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

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By pregz - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost control of my vehicle while driving. The car went off the road, rolled over, and ended up being totaled. The policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was. He seemed relieved at my answer. Then he handed me a $300 ticket for failing to maintain my lane. FML

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Top comments

By norge83 | 8

#5476088 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:49

I did nazi that coming...

By rg350dx | 29

#5476086 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:49

I cunt see what the problem is here.

COMMENTS

By supmrmunchies | 4

#5476083 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:48

Gotta treat it like a boss now!

Reply

xoamy906 | 25

#5476172 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:02

OP your wife got that from the new MTV show Girl Code

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#5476227 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:15

Exactly. I was pondering the thought of where I had just heard this from. This isn't a real FML. Better luck next time OP

Reply

mr_sarcastic416 | 29

#5476301 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:57

heil Clitler

By aliyourpally | 12

#5476084 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:48

Yeah because everyone wants to fuck Hitler

Reply

Omfgitsmia | 15

#5476098 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:50

definitely*

Reply

daner10 | 5

#5476134 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:53

10, nice try, maybe next time.

Reply

kryxen | 14

#5476200 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By rg350dx | 29

#5476086 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By norge83 | 8

#5476088 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:49

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

slacker_69 | 6

#5476112 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:51

very clever!(;

Reply

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5476138 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:53

Nor will she.

Reply

sux4u121 | 10

#5476163 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:59

I did see this overused pun coming however.

Reply

kumonsucks | 7

#5476167 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:01

Anne frankly its just not that funny

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#5476188 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:06

Please stop before this goes any Fuehrer!

Reply

D3ATHZ3RO | 15

#5476209 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:12

Like that is?

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5476241 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:23

Nein

Reply

trumpet27 | 1

#7421369 - Tuesday 7 March 2017 4:51

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By mildredpierce | 12

#5476090 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:49

I see why you married her.

By camsterjoe | 12

#5476093 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:49

Pics or it doesn't count

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5476130 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:52

Do you just wait for FMLs about vaginas and post the same comment on them?

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5476151 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:56

Either the heroin's kicking in or it got removed. Filthy tricksters. Making me look like a nutjob

Reply

D3ATHZ3RO | 15

#5476216 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:13

This from the guy who made a " cunt" pun

Reply

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5476243 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:25

Twat is the problem with that 65?

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5476276 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:40

No need to snatch up the chance to cliticize my puns, 65. It would seem you're an eager beaver when it comes to muff-ling my humor but I refuse to postpoon my comments about the female genitalia.

By slacker_69 | 6

#5476094 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:50

when you hear things like this its usually the guy who does it. I am glad there are some women like this out there

Reply

generalasskicker | 12

#5476116 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:51

You are not first

By narkill | 13

#5476095 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:50

Hail Clitler!

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5476119 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:51

Heil Clitler!

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5476165 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:00

Mein Furrier!

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5476189 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:06

@19 Is this fun for a grammar nazi?

By karen1991 | 15

#5476096 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:50

Sooo do u have to salute it?

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#5476198 - Friday 3 May 2013 5:08

Two finger salute. Sometimes three.

By Transfusion | 8

#5476099 - Friday 3 May 2013 4:50

Everybody has their fetishes.