Love: Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny....

By neverdoingthatagain - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

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Love

Where's my dog?

Time to move

Unfair

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was relaxing alone at a bar when I was approached by the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. She was too good to be true, so I asked, "Is this some kind of a prank?" She immediately turned around and left. She thought I was calling her ugly. I'll never see her again. FML

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By Ella - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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By HomelessGirl1 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while volunteering at a local homeless shelter, I asked the woman next to me how long she'd been homeless. She works there. FML

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By mannydanny - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Dad if it was true that my mother had a C-section at my birth. He replied "Yeah, so technically you weren't even born, you were surgically removed, like a tumor." FML

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By no more tp

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

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By ohdang - United States

Today, my therapist clapped for me when I told her I'd made a friend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By KC - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to tell my boyfriend I was on my period, I had to explain what a period is in the first place, how it works, and why it means nothing can happen during that time of the month. He's twenty. FML

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By anonymous - United States - El Cajon

Today, my teacher assigned us teams in a class debate. I landed on the team that had to argue the obviously wrong point of view. When I finished, my teacher told me and the entire class how much I disturbed her, and how I reminded her of Hitler and Napoleon. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

I don't know why

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

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By Deety

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By YOURMOM - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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By joanikens - United States - Buena Park

Today, I'm a barista at Starbucks. When my crush walked in and asked how much his coffee would cost, I said a date. He said he'd rather pay for the coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2021 17:01

Name thievery

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend used the baby name I wanted with the girlfriend he’s been dating for less than a year. FML

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825

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By bex - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

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By the bleeder

Today, I met with a student in office hours to discuss an assignment when my nose started bleeding. I didn't know at first, so I blew my nose and an inhuman amount of blood sprayed out the side of the tissue all over my desk, the wall, and the student's paper. It looked like a murder scene. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

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By MisterBrown - United States

Today, while at a family get together, my bowels suddenly decided they needed to be emptied. Straight away. I felt bad enough using someone else's bathroom for this, but later, my sister came in and loudly said "God, Brian, what the hell have you been eating?" in front of everyone at the get together. FML

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By rejectedson - United States

Today, my father got married. He left me a voicemail to tell me all about it. FML

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By psychobunnycutie - 29/1/2021 14:02

Cut her off

Today, my mom messaged me and was acting weird, we don't have a real relationship. Turns out, she wanted to tell me to stop posting selfies because "it's making her feel bad about her appearance." The worst part? She said, "My husband likes you more than me sexually." That's your big concern? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

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By A girl - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

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By nycplywood - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

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By Dopeydancer - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

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By mother of piggies

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

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By ohemmgeee - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I went to the kitchen to grab some cereal. I guess my mum didn't hear me, because as I entered, I heard her ranting to herself about her "God damned fucking cheerios". I started to slowly back out, but I tripped over my own feet. She heard and yelled at me for "sneaking around". FML

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By holliefall - United States

Today, I called Tech Support because the computer program wouldn't let me open files for my online classes. After an hour, and being walked through the downloading process multiple times. There was a pause and he said "You're a F*ing idiot." and hung up. It still won't work. FML

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By blackcat37 - United States - Independence

Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

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By ljd09 - United States

Today, I watched my car roll backwards on the freeway, while attached to the tow truck that I was sitting in. FML

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By youcould'vejusttoldme - United States - College Station

Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML

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By Noname - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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By bender - Canada

Today, I decided that it would be good exercise to shovel the ice on the backyard patio. Now I can't stand up. FML

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20202

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By anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. I was laying in between his legs because it's just more comfortable. I looked down, and he had pieces of toilet paper sticking out of his butt cheeks. FML

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53077

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend texted me from a bar, saying they had just called my name in a raffle to win a trip to Aspen, CO. You had to be at the bar to claim the prize. I had left the bar half-an-hour earlier, not knowing they were even having a raffle. FML

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By Anonymous

Pleasant smell

Today, while watching TV in my dorm, I clearly heard my roommate yell to someone proudly, "I've only taken a shower 4 or 5 times since I've been here." He's been my roommate for four months. FML

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By dry spell - United States - Belfair

Today, my mom stole the condoms out of my room and gave them to my little brother because I "won't be needing them anytime soon". FML

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By Kitty Lover - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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Top comments

By whysobeachy | 37

#6546761 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:14

Was it worth it, to her?

Also, next time, you can try positions which require less movement on her part. Or you can try grinding, instead of thrusting.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6546762 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:15

Doesn't matter, had sex.

COMMENTS

By whysobeachy | 37

#6546761 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:14

Was it worth it, to her?

Also, next time, you can try positions which require less movement on her part. Or you can try grinding, instead of thrusting.

laurellkawes | 31

#6546829 - Saturday 27 February 2016 22:11

He meant she was on top, and I'm guessing from now on she won't be doing any riding

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6546762 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:15

Doesn't matter, had sex.

vikky538 | 28

#6548269 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:56

Came for this comment. Not disappointed

By quinn1184 | 25

#6546772 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:29

sounds messy. and not in the good way

By bananassin | 25

#6546776 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:33

Oh it must of been very dirty

JKPwnage | 25

#6547027 - Sunday 28 February 2016 5:56

must've*

By PuppiesKisses | 15

#6546777 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:34

Maybe next time go nice and slow instead of blowing her like snow.

TheBestAround23 | 13

#6546914 - Sunday 28 February 2016 0:55

I believe you mean plowing her like snow

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6546780 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:38

If you're wife is wiling, do it again and try to find a rhythm that won't trigger her morning sickness, you know? Maybe turn the motion in the ocean down a notch.

By football98_fml | 20

#6546783 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:46

Syphilis. It's always gotta be syphilis.

whysobeachy | 37

#6546789 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:55

I think you misread the FML.

By juturnaamo | 29

#6546795 - Saturday 27 February 2016 21:02

The lazy dog was my favorite when I was pregnant. it's like doggy, but you're on your sides.

whysobeachy | 37

#6546796 - Saturday 27 February 2016 21:04

So basically like spooning? I was thinking about that position, too.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6546846 - Saturday 27 February 2016 22:47

Good name for it, it's one of my favorites too.

By DarkRaiiin | 8

#6546819 - Saturday 27 February 2016 21:56

Another piece of advice I don't see is if you want to do missionary put a pillow under her back to prop her up so her belly isn't in the way. My wife and I did that to some success.

By kowsee | 22

#6546832 - Saturday 27 February 2016 22:19

Be gentle and there are other ways to have her satisfied