Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny....

By neverdoingthatagain - 27/2/2016 03:35 - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

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Love

DINOSAURS!!

Bad boys, bad boys…

Abuse

By Zedscar - 15/7/2017 22:30 - United States - Martinsburg

Today, my 8-year-old nephew told me he liked the way I smelt. Apparently I smell like "cat food and cheese." FML

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By walkingdead_1029 - 6/5/2013 06:49 - United States - Peoria

Today, the girl that I've been madly in love with was demanding I tell her who I liked. I told her no, I should just keep it a secret, but she demanded I tell her. After I told her, the only response I got was, "You're right. You should have kept that a secret." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By poupi - 25/12/2008 12:57 - France

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 10:16 - India

Today, the girl I've been seeing for less than a week started raging and ended up threatening me with a knife, after I shot down her idea of getting married next month. FML

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By unhappy wifey - 28/9/2012 06:09 - United States - Portland

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

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By dinosaurman - 7/10/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn't know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I've always hated my sister. FML

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By soapgirl - 13/8/2009 16:07 - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

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By Fmyhair - 27/4/2009 18:39 - Norway

Today, I colored my hair. It was supposed to turn out blonde, but it became more a mix of red and brown and blonde patches. When I tried coloring everything back, a green tint was added. My hair is at the moment red, brown, blonde and green. FML

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By Ginger - 8/7/2017 16:30 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I got married. My dad wanted to see me before the ceremony in my dress. The dress I wore was not my usual kind of dress, strapless. The first thing my dad said, "Ginger! You've got boobs!" Not exactly the father-daughter moment I'd envisioned. FML

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By sad guy - 26/4/2013 05:20 - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By CUNTCUNTCUNT - 29/1/2014 21:28 - Australia - Slacks Creek

Today, it's my 8 year anniversary. My boyfriend's "romantic" gesture for the occasion was to toss a few McDonald's coupons at me and tell me to get whatever I wanted. FML

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By potheadloljk - 2/12/2012 02:01 - United States - East Machias

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML

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By floff - 19/9/2017 04:30

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

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By dieold - 28/1/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriends house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles I slipped my hand into her sisters back pocket and squeeze her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML

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By BadDad - 30/4/2017 15:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

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By thenewgirl - 6/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

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By Colin Jr. - 23/9/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

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By theuglyone - 14/11/2016 19:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 16:13 - Singapore

Today, my husband's car was stolen from our driveway while he was out jogging. We'd recently had a huge fight, and he accused me of having done this to get revenge. I was at work all day, but it seems this doesn't make any difference to his dumb, paranoid ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 04:01

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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By SickandTired - 22/3/2011 16:59 - Australia

Today, I went to work despite having a nasty cold. I didn't call up sick because last week when I called in, my boss said I was being "unprofessional and unacceptable." My boss sent me home with a written warning today, claiming that coming to work sick was "unprofessional and unacceptable." FML

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By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - 10/3/2011 05:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By parkinglotslayer - 11/6/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

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By tragic - 29/8/2016 04:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I got dumped for the second time by the guy that I'd been seeing. He actually forgot that he'd already dumped me once this week and did it again. FML

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By loser - 17/2/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

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By Sleep Walking - 23/1/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, my coworker sent an email to the whole company asking us to fill in a survey. I've been secretly seeing her for two months, so I responded with "sure thing baby, and by the way I ran out of condoms, can you bring more for tonight?" I accidentally hit reply all. FML

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By muffins69 - 18/9/2010 02:34 - United States

Today, I untied the rope that was tied to my dog's collar because it was wrapped around the tree choking him. He immediately ran off down the street. I had to chase him barefoot in my boxers for 20 minutes till he got tired. FML

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By mmmtortilla - 24/4/2012 14:03 - Spain - Portugalete

Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML

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By Cheap - 27/12/2010 08:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend wrote 50 dollars on my gift card just to look generous, it's really only worth five. I found this out after I tried to buy an arm full of clothes. FML

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By The Soul Of A Damned Queef - 31/1/2015 04:04 - United States - Dublin

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

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By effingawwesome - 11/4/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was surfing and trying to impress some girls on the beach. While I was out in the water, a jellyfish wrapped itself around my torso. I started to yell and freak out, making a huge scene. I grabbed it off of me, only to realize that I was freaking out over a plastic grocery bag. FML

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By youfuckingdumbassmum - 27/12/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

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By Blondie - 22/10/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

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By sirttocs - 14/5/2019 00:00

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I remembered what I did in my sleep last night. Turns out, in my sleep, I grabbed her crotch and said, “Just making sure you’re not Shae.” Shae is her sister. FML

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By thebravelittletoaster - 20/3/2011 20:32 - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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By Rainydaze - 10/11/2017 20:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, the guy I hooked up with last summer who was "going through a divorce" welcomed his new baby with his loving wife. FML

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By kelsey - 8/3/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By whysobeachy | 37

#6546761 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:14

Was it worth it, to her?

Also, next time, you can try positions which require less movement on her part. Or you can try grinding, instead of thrusting.

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6546762 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:15

Doesn't matter, had sex.

COMMENTS

By whysobeachy | 37

#6546761 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:14

Was it worth it, to her?

Also, next time, you can try positions which require less movement on her part. Or you can try grinding, instead of thrusting.

laurellkawes | 31

#6546829 - Saturday 27 February 2016 22:11

He meant she was on top, and I'm guessing from now on she won't be doing any riding

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#6546762 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:15

Doesn't matter, had sex.

vikky538 | 28

#6548269 - Monday 29 February 2016 16:56

Came for this comment. Not disappointed

By quinn1184 | 25

#6546772 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:29

sounds messy. and not in the good way

By bananassin | 25

#6546776 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:33

Oh it must of been very dirty

JKPwnage | 25

#6547027 - Sunday 28 February 2016 5:56

must've*

By PuppiesKisses | 15

#6546777 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:34

Maybe next time go nice and slow instead of blowing her like snow.

TheBestAround23 | 13

#6546914 - Sunday 28 February 2016 0:55

I believe you mean plowing her like snow

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6546780 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:38

If you're wife is wiling, do it again and try to find a rhythm that won't trigger her morning sickness, you know? Maybe turn the motion in the ocean down a notch.

By football98_fml | 20

#6546783 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:46

Syphilis. It's always gotta be syphilis.

whysobeachy | 37

#6546789 - Saturday 27 February 2016 20:55

I think you misread the FML.

By juturnaamo | 29

#6546795 - Saturday 27 February 2016 21:02

The lazy dog was my favorite when I was pregnant. it's like doggy, but you're on your sides.

whysobeachy | 37

#6546796 - Saturday 27 February 2016 21:04

So basically like spooning? I was thinking about that position, too.

False_Stupidity | 41

#6546846 - Saturday 27 February 2016 22:47

Good name for it, it's one of my favorites too.

By DarkRaiiin | 8

#6546819 - Saturday 27 February 2016 21:56

Another piece of advice I don't see is if you want to do missionary put a pillow under her back to prop her up so her belly isn't in the way. My wife and I did that to some success.

By kowsee | 22

#6546832 - Saturday 27 February 2016 22:19

Be gentle and there are other ways to have her satisfied