Miscellaneous: Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 92

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 257

You deserved it 50

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 27

14/06/2015 15:37

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 374

You deserved it 3 393

Weird reason to leave, but OK

And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

24/11/2009 10:49

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 525

You deserved it 3 953

22/12/2012 12:50

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 705

You deserved it 4 960

30/03/2013 01:29

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 145

You deserved it 4 077

You're a natural

By Blackout at The Gym - 27/11/2020 14:08

Today, I had a great leg workout at the gym. Instead of doing my cool down exercise at the end, I decided I wanted to do something more adventurous, like box jumps on one of those metal stools at the gym. Well, it turns out my body wasn’t ready for that. Now my shin is busted and swollen. This is my second week training. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 939

26/05/2011 14:06

Today, I stopped to help a stranded motorist. I yelled out my window, "Hey do you need a hand?" The guy was just standing beside his car taking a piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 990

You deserved it 6 841

House rules

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 045

You deserved it 1 087

08/10/2009 04:24

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 468

You deserved it 5 263

27/08/2012 22:21

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 554

You deserved it 2 599

26/03/2015 13:20

Today, my school had to make an official announcement that students were not permitted to go home due to Zayn Malik leaving One Direction because so many girls were claiming they couldn't focus on school with such a dramatic event occurring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 326

You deserved it 3 619

12/05/2018 05:00

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 054

You deserved it 2 013

21/10/2014 00:29

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 301

You deserved it 14 420

20/12/2009 04:24

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 209

You deserved it 46 037

24/04/2012 14:03

Spicy

Today, while putting on a load of laundry, I squeezed the detergent bottle and it made a noise like a woman's orgasm. After laughing, I realised that I'm probably too immature to be washing my own clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 333

You deserved it 28 435

26/03/2010 01:50

Spicy

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 431

You deserved it 25 202

24/08/2015 17:32

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 631

You deserved it 2 368

Industrial logs

By wow - 19/02/2009 21:44

Today, I took a massive dump at work and clogged the industrial toilet. Since I used the unisex one at the end of the hall, I watched my super hot coworker walk in after me. And then she ran out immediately. Everyone had seen me walk out before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 493

You deserved it 36 852

Not good enough

By BoooMa - 31/03/2021 20:00

Today, my ex-fiancé got married. He left me at the altar last year because the thought of marriage and “taking such a big step” scared him. He’s only been with his new girlfriend for 6 months. Apparently I’m not good enough to marry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 94

Let's not get too committed

By Just a Bro - 13/06/2021 03:31

Spicy

Today, it was the third time a guy high-fived me after sex. The other two guys gave me a fist bump. Is this a universal thing, or am I just one of the bros? FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 190

20/08/2010 06:20

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king size bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 681

You deserved it 5 707

14/03/2010 06:05

Today, I figured out it's the first time my roommate has done the dishes after living together an entire year, but I got to clean up the bubble waterfall that came pouring out of the dishwasher because she couldn't figure out where the detergent was supposed to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 444

You deserved it 2 545

17/11/2012 01:06

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 002

You deserved it 6 123

12/05/2015 16:38

Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 230

You deserved it 12 575

10/12/2009 05:14

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 611

You deserved it 2 884

27/08/2009 08:13

Today, my sister came over for a visit. I was going to surprise her with the news that I had spontaneously gotten a cat. The first thing she told me when she came in was that she ran over my neighbor's cat. None of my neighbors have cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 070

You deserved it 4 349

21/01/2014 21:30

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 215

You deserved it 4 166

01/04/2016 18:30

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 667

You deserved it 2 710

23/09/2018 14:00

Today, my boyfriend proudly showed me that he's put me in his favourites contact list on his phone with a heart image. Cute, but I saw another contact on the list with a heart image as well: his favourite take out restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 570

You deserved it 715

17/01/2011 02:43

Spicy

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 221

You deserved it 4 921

Cashback

By elle_hamilton - 25/08/2020 23:01

Today, when I told a gentleman that, no, he couldn't have cash back on his return without a receipt, he started screaming at me that I was calling his mother a liar. He told me to lawyer up and yelled at me for smiling at him. He also screamed at me to go on a diet as he left the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 711

You deserved it 113

30/10/2014 14:15

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 2 741

02/05/2014 14:04

Today, I found out the reason our toilet paper has been disappearing so fast recently isn't because my son is wanking like a gibbon as I first thought. He's just been using our shredder to make streamers out of the stuff, then hiding it all in a box in his closet. Fucking hell, son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 419

You deserved it 4 485

OK Mrs Miyagi

By poor kid - 17/08/2021 10:59

Today, I had to ban a mom from practice, which sadly meant the kid had to leave too. Several times the mom had been loud, disruptive and even rushed onto the mat because I wasn’t teaching her son the "right way". I’m a third degree black belt and I teach 5-6 year olds on my days off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 65

14/11/2014 02:14

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 444

You deserved it 4 179

17/07/2009 19:24

Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 119

You deserved it 5 349

22/04/2015 21:46

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 693

You deserved it 2 147

14/08/2018 14:30

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 249

You deserved it 121

Masterchef 2020

By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 17:01

Today, I invented a new fusion cuisine delicacy: cigarette-flavored apple sauce. The recipe? Cram so many apple pieces in a pot that they will burn on the bottom, even with plenty of water in it, then go away for 30 minutes and wonder what the bad smell is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 205

You deserved it 2 115

15/02/2017 13:00

Today, I went on what I thought was my fifth date with a guy. We finally got intimate and it was amazing. As soon as it was over, he said : "Sorry babe, I should get going. I have a date tomorrow and I'd hate to be tired for it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 823

You deserved it 1 217

11/01/2013 19:47

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 3 015

Free healthcare, now!

By Anonymous - 13/08/2021 10:02

Today, I flew to America for my dad's funeral. I broke my vials of insulin and went to a pharmacy for a refill. No one told me they charge for insulin in America. One vial cost 270 dollars, the funeral is three days away and after booking a hotel, I have 6 dollars to feed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 682

You deserved it 188

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:07

I feel a special vibe... And predict a sinkhole in your wallet...

muarif 19

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:06

Chill. Breathe in and out. Let the Chi flow through you....open up your chakras!

Comments

muarif 19

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:06

Chill. Breathe in and out. Let the Chi flow through you....open up your chakras!

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Tuesday 16 June 2015 1:02

Wait... Since when are dollars legal form of currency in Croatia?

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:07

I feel a special vibe... And predict a sinkhole in your wallet...

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Monday 15 June 2015 6:08

if u pay me, i can make sure vibe of da sinkhole in ure wallet transfers to mine

clemsi 20

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Monday 15 June 2015 11:36

After reading 62s comment it feels like my IQ is taking a plunge into a sinkhole.

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:07

At this point OP, I don't know how you have the energy to deal with someone like this.

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:50

Chi*

Eyalsh 32

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Tuesday 16 June 2015 3:58

divorce her, and give her a unicorn for settlement. tell her it farts rainbows and stuff

Dick_diamond 22

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

You can't fix stupid. Even when you're married to it..

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

Gotta watch out for them sneaky fortune teller people, heh.

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

You just need to talk it out with your wife. Get to know what's on her mind. There isn't a need to break families apart because of a trivial and minor thing. You got married for a reason. Cherish it, my friend.

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Monday 15 June 2015 3:08

you've got your head in a fantasized perfect reality my friend. I suggest you get out of it and into the real world

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Monday 15 June 2015 3:16

At least he tries to work things out and does not always run from his problems like divorce and separation. Those things should be thought about.

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Monday 15 June 2015 3:32

Agreed. Besides OP the divorce will cost you more. Just draw the line in the sand. Tell her she can spend her money if she wants (i.e. If she works for the money herself). But if it's your money, then you get to decide and she should not consult any more of these "services" without your agreement.

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Monday 15 June 2015 4:08

What if OP's wife is a stay at home mom? Is she not deserving of things she wants because she does not make the money her self?

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Monday 15 June 2015 4:27

Hmm interesting point. I still think that the man is the head of the household and the leader as well as the breadwinner and gets final say on how money is spent.

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Monday 15 June 2015 5:15

42 why did you get down voted...everything you said is spot on. Anyone that would spend $300 on that BS because of creaky floors in a place they RENT isn't competent enough to hold a job paying much more than minimum wage. She needs to quit wasting his money and apparently his life/time.

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Monday 15 June 2015 5:22

Why did #42 get down voted? Cause his comment was sexist as hell. We're not in the middle ages, woman can make more then men, and a marriage should be a partnership. Not one person as a leader. If she does not work though, then she should not spend the money without consulting her husband

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Monday 15 June 2015 6:20

Not if she's wasting their joint money on chi sinkholes

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Monday 15 June 2015 6:29

Severe delusions is not minor.

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Monday 15 June 2015 16:58

If your partner is blowing hundreds of dollars on dumb things like that without consulting him, he is well within his rights to ask for divorce. What if she spends all his money and they go bankrupt?

19990231 29

Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

Now what was she actually paying him for..?

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:08

That sucks. You should seriously consider a divorce, this is a red flag for stupidity. FYL.

Ethan_Anonymous 28

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:10

How long have you two been married? I would hope you would have noticed her paranoia/superstition early

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Monday 15 June 2015 2:54

I once dated a girl who lived in a pretty bad neighborhood, she put tinfoil on her windows and told me it was a cheap alternative to curtains. Pretty believable, until long after we broke up she told me she actually did it to protect herself from aliens.

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Monday 15 June 2015 4:05

Well, Illegal Aliens don't have green cards to find work. (:

AnonymousZOMBIE 12

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Friday 19 June 2015 0:12

I'm sorry #38, what does that have to do with #9's post??

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Monday 15 June 2015 0:12

careful now. if you accidentally fall into the chi sinkhole, you'll be flushed out of life. it's very serious business.