Love: Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch...

By Joey - United States

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

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Love

Serious times

Banished

Understanding

By beckzx58 - United States

Today, I was pretending to use the force to operate the elevator at my hotel, getting really into it. Someone was waiting to get on at my floor and saw me. Not to mention the staff now brings it up every time I'm around. Apparently they have cameras in their elevators. FML

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By nicolette5785452 - United States

Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was at the mall and I noticed this guy staring at me from across the food court. He smiled and waved at me so I walked over there and tried to talk to him. He was looking at his girlfriend the whole time. FML

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By halfmypaycheckgone - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

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By akosirm - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 22:58

Worth it

Today, my mom thought it would be funny to wake me up with a monster mask on, holding a knife, and screaming, "I'm going to kill you!" My first response was to punch her in the face then kick her. Guess who's grounded for a month. FML

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By Carolyn Burnham

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

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By Kilania

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By areyouserial - United States

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

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By qyx3lmnop24 - United States - Napa

Classic move

Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

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By CambodianAsshole - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

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By Takegami

Today. I had my first final exam. That would be fine if I hadn’t gotten sick 4 days ago. No one can go get my antibiotics, I feel like I’m dying and I can’t miss these exams under any circumstance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I'm self-conscious about my B-cup breasts. About 20 minutes later, he pointed to another girl with a small chest and said, "See, you're not the only one with small tits!" FML

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By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I learned that my girlfriend can sleepwalk. She got up, came into the living room where I was laying back against the sofa playing video games. I wasn't really paying much attention, until she stepped on my crotch, after which she left. She doesn't remember a thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 00:01

Weird movie choice

Today, I had my first ever date. He invited me to dinner and a movie. Then he put on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out, so I had to wait till the end of the film. FML

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By MikeyPeters - United States

Today, I was using the elliptical when I got a bad wedgie. All the ellipticals are up against a wall so after trying to pick it I finally decided to just pull down the back of my pants and underwear. I then remembered there was a window to a yoga class behind me. I mooned them all. FML

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By SleeplessInDenver - United States - Denver

Hummmmmmmmm

Today, I moved into my brand new apartment, only to discover that there is an annoying, constant hum coming from the ceiling above my bed. FML

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By kaytiebobaytie - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. We were driving to his hockey game and he was joking around about throwing my favorite hoodie out of his window. While swinging it around, my brand new iPhone flew out of the pocket and the window, getting run over by a car. FML

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By spenmy - United States

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

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By iamlauraheremecry - United States

Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML

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By Alexandra - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I found out that my boyfriend and one of his friends have been having sex with each other. His excuse? "She's my best friend, we do this all the time." I have been dating him for over a year. FML

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By lala - United States

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

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By Icci - United States

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 14:30 - United States - Alexandria

Thanks guys

Today I was offered an opportunity on Instagram from a local lady to take photos of her home for her. I told my friends, because I was shocked. They were shocked too. But in the nicest terms possible, they were shocked because my Instagram "isn’t really professional enough to get such offers." Ouch. FML

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By thatchick3333 - United States

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

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By Trew Love - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By egsrox95

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

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By Scaredwitless - United States

Spooky

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

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By Maddie

Today, I had to take a dump in a box for a stool test. FML

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By Anonymous

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, the jackoffs at my new job kept making jokes about my prosthetic leg. When I finally lost my shit and told one of them to back off, he said "Woah there, Mr Pistorius!" then said he'll avoid using the restroom now in case I decide to shoot him through the door. FML

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By humdrummitydrum - United States

Today, my new doctor gave me a breast exam and said everything was healthy, before adding "Well, I think so, anyway. I don't actually work here." As I freaked out, he laughed out loud, said he was just kidding, and that he should prescribe me a chill pill. FML

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By Mills - United States

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 mins of him describing how beautiful she is and how much we look alike and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

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Top comments

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#178415 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:02

OUCHH!!!
But hey, at least you got a footlong.... or maybe you don't and that's why she's leaving you? Think about it...

All kidding set aside, FYL

By AngelRaven89 | 0

#178437 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

Could have been worse. She could have ended things without giving you a turkey sandwich. And then where would you be!

COMMENTS

By Eros_fml | 0

#178411 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:01

sorry man, that sucks...what a way to go

least you got lunch?

1st =P

slushpup9696 | 12

#1116636 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 0:56

how could any man compete with him though? he had a foot long in his hands!

DatWhiteGuy | 0

#2845436 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:30

After all that... You deserved a friggin soda too!

By dafodil69 | 0

#178414 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:02

aww thats sadd

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#178415 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:02

OUCHH!!!
But hey, at least you got a footlong.... or maybe you don't and that's why she's leaving you? Think about it...

All kidding set aside, FYL

anonymous100000 | 17

#6201967 - Saturday 14 February 2015 3:04

people need to stop getting married so quickly. this shit happens way too often and it's because they haven't been through a lot together or/and they refuse to try to fight for their relationship. nowadays, it's easy to get divorced. after three years...that's so sad. I'm sorry OP. learn from this.

By AngelRaven89 | 0

#178437 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

Could have been worse. She could have ended things without giving you a turkey sandwich. And then where would you be!

Wogg_fml | 0

#854570 - Sunday 14 February 2010 14:58

LOL That comment was funnier than the FML... FYL OP.. You totally deserved a meatball sub instead of a turkey sandwich :(

Ugi | 26

#5308435 - Friday 4 January 2013 13:34

I guess hungry & single is worse than just single!

By calgskid | 0

#178438 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

lol FYL

By mother_green7 | 0

#178440 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

what an odd way to dump someone...
but i guess its better quick and efficient

By InnocentNique | 0

#178441 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

Wow, way to be insensitive on her side. She could've atleast done it in a more private place.

Siyo | 0

#1014693 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 7:41

Yeah... a more private place. Or she could have NOT been a cheap bitch and included chips and a drink. Lol Sorry dude. FYL big time.

By xxmollyxx | 25

#178442 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:06

By brydeec | 0

#178443 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:06

What a bitch. It's a good thing she's leaving.

By CameronHS | 0

#178444 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:06

well at least she didnt get you the italian b.m.t
cos that would of been a kick in the bollox