Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch...

By Joey - 7/5/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

95716

You deserved it

5208

Favorite

Love

Superficial World

White line fever

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By sharkboy - 11/6/2012 02:33 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12821

You deserved it

31094

Favorite

By Gottalovepeople - 31/12/2018 01:34

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4079

You deserved it

2229

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 23:07 - Canada

Today, I took a dump without checking for toilet paper. I then called my step dad, who said "use the stuff in the garbage." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28380

You deserved it

5589

Favorite

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 10:27 - United States

Today, I was informed by my next door neighbor that they heard me singing in the shower last night. I laughed and she told me that the family gathers in their upstairs room closest to my bathroom window to guess which song I'm singing. Every night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35321

You deserved it

6533

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:15 - United States

Today, I woke up and decided that I no longer give a fuck what I look like. Today is also the day a very attractive exchange student joined my private band lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24457

You deserved it

12806

Favorite

By fridgemylifee - 13/8/2015 17:39 - United States

Today, I had a first date with a guy I met online. And his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25350

You deserved it

2971

Favorite

By Still No Phone - 21/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I checked for the third time this week if my package that 'arrived' five days ago had been found. Not only was it a different employee at the concierge desk, meaning I had to explain everything again, but they told me the same bullshit about how it's "not their fault". The package is my new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3639

You deserved it

290

Favorite

By Scaredwitless - 28/1/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51494

You deserved it

5952

Favorite

By asnolt - 24/5/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58508

You deserved it

9303

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities today. What we didn't plan on was having my 9-year-old brother and his friends making a video of "What teens do when no one is home." They taped the whole thing, including the five minutes it took us to get the condom on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2671

You deserved it

821

Favorite

By sarahhh - 13/2/2009 19:18 - United States

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said "Do I have to bring you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41416

You deserved it

3494

Favorite

By Not That Old - 28/7/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

I agree, your life sucks

30983

You deserved it

6644

Favorite

By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30185

You deserved it

47145

Favorite

By anonymous - 25/1/2016 14:09 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks

23943

You deserved it

2010

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/4/2013 01:14 - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51835

You deserved it

8312

Favorite

By lolmyfduplife - 24/12/2015 06:10

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24561

You deserved it

2071

Favorite

By goodbye sweet internet - 6/7/2013 18:23 - Greece - Athens

Today, after playing numerous games of poker against my friend, and him telling me that I'm the best poker player he's ever met, I went out and played for real money. I got totally destroyed, lost all of my money, and was laughed out of the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25320

You deserved it

49963

Favorite

By teinage - 2/5/2011 18:47 - Belgium

Today, some kids stole all four wheels off my car. They were nice enough to leave a note and some money though, "for the bus". FML

I agree, your life sucks

37662

You deserved it

3090

Favorite

By The Corner Of Death - 12/8/2013 08:17 - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

631

You deserved it

Favorite

By :,< - 17/9/2012 17:16 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22294

You deserved it

2565

Favorite

By Sean Martin - 6/2/2020 05:00

Best uncle

Today, I realized that the last 3 months, I've been taking care of my girlfriends 1 year old kid. The other night, she told me that I was a good uncle to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1901

You deserved it

258

Favorite

By romancocks - 9/5/2014 20:31 - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37209

You deserved it

5764

Favorite

By blank - 21/7/2010 13:52 - United States

Today, I came home to my boyfriend wearing one of my pads on his hand, because he didn't want to pay to go to the hospital for stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33239

You deserved it

4104

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35110

You deserved it

10032

Favorite

By LilShawty2000 - 24/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69550

You deserved it

7846

Favorite

By captainlame - 21/3/2013 05:59 - United States

Today, I returned from a 5-day cruise for my senior spring break, filled with gorgeous sorority girls from all over the country. I was seasick the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33726

You deserved it

5260

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/4/2011 05:21 - United States

Today, I went out on a date with an ex boyfriend that I hadn't seen since college. He took me to a bar, where he was oddly quiet, but drank heavily. When the bartender asked us if we were ok, he replied, "This is my ex girlfriend. Can you believe she used to be skinny?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

38955

You deserved it

7942

Favorite

By Queenie - 26/12/2018 14:00

Today, my work's annual Christmas party is at 3:00. Everyone in the office is off work at 2:00, except me and the boss who is staying 'til 4:00. I have been informed the boss is leaving early today to attend the Christmas party, but I need to lock up when I leave at 4:00. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2653

You deserved it

168

Favorite

By Dartfrogger - 12/2/2015 19:16 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30846

You deserved it

2953

Favorite

By steph - 20/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16514

You deserved it

68871

Favorite

By s13495 - 24/10/2013 15:52 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, I had my first interview in over a year. I panicked and passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42941

You deserved it

6353

Favorite

By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64307

You deserved it

4020

Favorite

By melimelo24 - 13/3/2014 09:33 - Australia - Clayton

Today, I watched my daughter squealing with delight in front of a video game. Beating a boss? Slaying an adversary? Completing a quest? Not at all. She was chasing birds, making them fly away, then starting all over again as soon as they landed. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44454

You deserved it

7468

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, my six year old daughter discovered the family's pet rabbit in the basement freezer. The rabbit had died almost a year ago, and we'd stored it in the freezer, intending to bury it later. Here's to the trauma of losing the family pet. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8721

You deserved it

44473

Favorite

By Superman - 15/11/2012 06:01 - United States - Bellflower

Today, after finishing a test, I decided to draw to pass the time. My teacher looked at the drawing and gave me a referral to the principal for drawing an "anti-Semitic picture." I'd drawn Superman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23960

You deserved it

1894

Favorite

By Bitchjackedmyball - 12/9/2012 08:52 - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34388

You deserved it

5520

Favorite

By ak - 2/3/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

I agree, your life sucks

64540

You deserved it

11317

Favorite

By ev_lyn_aw - 17/5/2017 04:00

Today, today while walking my dog in a different part of town, a man ran screaming out of his house, and threw a plastic bag at me. It was dog poop. It was the first time I'd ever walked in front of his house with my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3753

You deserved it

259

Favorite

By mymomplucksbutthair - 25/6/2013 20:43 - United States

Today, my mom confessed to me that she used to pluck my step-dad's butt hair. I hope the brain-gods delete this obnoxious mental picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39712

You deserved it

3369

Favorite

By RohnAbheek - 21/8/2011 17:36 - India

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15123

You deserved it

47018

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#178415 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:02

OUCHH!!!
But hey, at least you got a footlong.... or maybe you don't and that's why she's leaving you? Think about it...

All kidding set aside, FYL

By AngelRaven89 | 0

#178437 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

Could have been worse. She could have ended things without giving you a turkey sandwich. And then where would you be!

Comments

By Eros_fml | 0

#178411 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:01

sorry man, that sucks...what a way to go

least you got lunch?

1st =P

slushpup9696 | 12

#1116636 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 0:56

how could any man compete with him though? he had a foot long in his hands!

DatWhiteGuy | 0

#2845436 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:30

After all that... You deserved a friggin soda too!

By dafodil69 | 0

#178414 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:02

aww thats sadd

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#178415 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:02

OUCHH!!!
But hey, at least you got a footlong.... or maybe you don't and that's why she's leaving you? Think about it...

All kidding set aside, FYL

anonymous100000 | 17

#6201967 - Saturday 14 February 2015 3:04

people need to stop getting married so quickly. this shit happens way too often and it's because they haven't been through a lot together or/and they refuse to try to fight for their relationship. nowadays, it's easy to get divorced. after three years...that's so sad. I'm sorry OP. learn from this.

By AngelRaven89 | 0

#178437 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

Could have been worse. She could have ended things without giving you a turkey sandwich. And then where would you be!

Wogg_fml | 0

#854570 - Sunday 14 February 2010 14:58

LOL That comment was funnier than the FML... FYL OP.. You totally deserved a meatball sub instead of a turkey sandwich :(

Ugi | 26

#5308435 - Friday 4 January 2013 13:34

I guess hungry & single is worse than just single!

By calgskid | 0

#178438 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

lol FYL

By mother_green7 | 0

#178440 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

what an odd way to dump someone...
but i guess its better quick and efficient

By InnocentNique | 0

#178441 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:05

Wow, way to be insensitive on her side. She could've atleast done it in a more private place.

Siyo | 0

#1014693 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 7:41

Yeah... a more private place. Or she could have NOT been a cheap bitch and included chips and a drink. Lol Sorry dude. FYL big time.

By xxmollyxx | 25

#178442 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:06

By brydeec | 0

#178443 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:06

What a bitch. It's a good thing she's leaving.

By CameronHS | 0

#178444 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:06

well at least she didnt get you the italian b.m.t
cos that would of been a kick in the bollox