Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out... - FML

By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42903

You deserved it

2802

Tweet

Share

Ghosted

Banished

In my day…

By fuckspellcheck - 28/4/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23651

You deserved it

62020

Tweet

Share

By Rolax - 6/11/2008 09:38 - France

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

I agree, your life sucks

60281

You deserved it

6016

Tweet

Share

By Ceej - 30/7/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47506

You deserved it

6650

Tweet

Share

By nayahbear24 - 27/8/2014 22:52 - United States - Trenton

Today, after coming home from a two week vacation, my dog was pink, there were beer bottles and used condoms on my bed, and everything was a mess. I asked my sister, who'd been watching over the place, what had happened. She just said "Oops." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42072

You deserved it

3904

Tweet

Share

By sendhelp - 30/4/2017 16:00

Today, my mom asked me to take my dad's mail to him. The "mail" was divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5362

You deserved it

312

Tweet

Share

By owowowow - 24/7/2010 01:30 - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35014

You deserved it

7565

Tweet

Share

By SherryBaby - 29/12/2010 07:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my cheating ex asking if I would go out with him that night. After 3 years of no contact, I decided to give him another chance and gave him my address for his GPS. I was then told that I lived too far and he didn't want to drive. He cancelled. I live 15 minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13810

You deserved it

28082

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13378

You deserved it

36762

Tweet

Share

By adalia - 19/7/2009 17:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49072

You deserved it

4906

Tweet

Share

By SnappyMcOuches - 19/9/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that I not only dislocated two bones in my foot, but also fractured one of those two bones and snapped the other. How did this happen? I tripped over a single stair walking from the bar to the beer garden. I didn't even get to drink anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2555

You deserved it

278

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 18/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going a few miles per hour over the speed limit. The cop asked for my license and registration. I happened to look down at my wallet while he was processing everything and saw my license in my wallet. I gave the cop my fake I.D. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8694

You deserved it

66051

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 00:20 - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47834

You deserved it

3536

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 20/8/2013 07:08 - United States

Today, I got a steering wheel cover to stop my obsessive steering wheel picking. After putting it on, I realized it was crooked, causing me to have OCD fits every time I drive. I can still pick at the steering wheel around the cover. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34818

You deserved it

9911

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/8/2018 14:30

Today, I called my boyfriend and a woman answered. Turns out, she's also his girlfriend. She broke up with me on his behalf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3399

You deserved it

197

Tweet

Share

By bruised - 13/3/2013 21:06 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36950

You deserved it

6298

Tweet

Share

By smarterthanmymum - 26/5/2011 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain very slowly to my mum why she cannot put metal cutlery in the microwave. She did it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35156

You deserved it

2967

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I was stripped of my starting position on my high school basketball team. The reason? I was three minutes late to practice. Why was I late? My coach called me five minutes before practice and made me get him a coffee or else he wouldn't start me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42489

You deserved it

3452

Tweet

Share

By Busty - 21/11/2017 06:00

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5504

You deserved it

930

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/8/2010 04:11 - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

35063

You deserved it

3400

Tweet

Share

By owmyhead - 11/4/2011 06:23 - South Africa

Today, I woke up with a fever and a migraine. I work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30255

You deserved it

3128

Tweet

Share

By Alexman1985 - 1/5/2013 10:30

Today, while paying a $60 tab on drinks for a girl, a guy grabs the money-clip out of my hand and runs. I start to chase after him; the girl trips me, then runs after him. The bartender calls the cops; not to catch the thieves, but to report me for not paying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58002

You deserved it

4957

Tweet

Share

By OneYearMistake. - 22/7/2009 23:35 - United Kingdom

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55473

You deserved it

6063

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/6/2013 16:01 - United States - Walker

Today, I was using a public toilet, when someone in the next stall reached under, grabbed at my low-hanging toilet paper and pulled at it at an insane speed, whispering some kind of weird chant. Then he suddenly stopped, screamed, and ran out. What the hell happened in there? FML

I agree, your life sucks

53039

You deserved it

3539

Tweet

Share

By Allen - 5/1/2010 06:40 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10874

You deserved it

40345

Tweet

Share

By elevatorjerk - 2/9/2009 13:01 - United States

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45574

You deserved it

13893

Tweet

Share

By cane - 5/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22154

You deserved it

65239

Tweet

Share

By Marriedtoajew - 3/1/2018 19:00

True Love

Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5770

You deserved it

399

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 16:42 - United States - Flushing

Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41377

You deserved it

2782

Tweet

Share

By veethebee - 8/5/2019 01:00

Today, I parked in the parking lot at work feeling like I had to sneeze. As I was walking in, the sneeze finally came. Apparently, my nose was bleeding so when I sneezed, blood got all over the floor and my brand new work clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1840

You deserved it

108

Tweet

Share

By Laloose - 26/12/2008 07:53 - France

Today, I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". FML

I agree, your life sucks

13948

You deserved it

28068

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/6/2016 01:08

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14129

You deserved it

947

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/4/2012 01:55 - United States - Darien

Today, I was walking down the street, when an aging lady bumped into me and fell over. I helped her up and she thanked me for being "such a nice young man". It was only an hour later as I was in line at the store that I realized she had pickpocketed me of my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31506

You deserved it

2561

Tweet

Share

By mwja - 26/2/2011 22:59 - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31436

You deserved it

3920

Tweet

Share

By newsgirl - 16/7/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was interviewed by this TV crew who asked me what I thought of Rhode Island being voted for the second most neurotic state. I thought they said that Rhode Island was the second most erotic state. I commented. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41825

You deserved it

13036

Tweet

Share

By SJDAOisdjlkSADlksda - 2/7/2016 02:37 - United States

Today, I witnessed my sister use some ice cubes on her blistered toes, then quietly return them to the tray in the fridge. I've been putting ice from there into my drinks for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15735

You deserved it

969

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57400

You deserved it

94353

Tweet

Share

By apple - 16/7/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, it's my 18th birthday. I was telling my friends a story when my mom started talking. I simply said 'Mom...' so she'd realize she interrupted me. She gave me the finger and called me rude in front of all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36531

You deserved it

6237

Tweet

Share

By despacito - 28/8/2018 23:30

Today, my brother stole my hard drive and wiped it. My hard drive had a 10-page school project on it. The project is due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3235

You deserved it

241

Tweet

Share

By Redsnation - 8/8/2017 05:02

Rage Quit

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5615

You deserved it

491

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 23/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10022

You deserved it

29415

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By paivarotti | 0

#616064 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.

By doggie3 | 0

#616051 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:14

Sounds painful.

COMMENTS

By El_mariachi | 0

#616036 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:10

I'm #1

Reply

Six_and_the_Moon | 3

#616235 - Monday 12 October 2009 0:42

I'm firsy too ... get me a glass of ginger beer?

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616436 - Monday 12 October 2009 3:12

YDI for marrying a blonde.

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616438 - Monday 12 October 2009 3:14

Also, you should drop kick her ass

Reply

Bo_day_shus | 0

#618574 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 4:22

that's got forgiveness blowjob written all over it. score.

Reply

HOPELESSLYxJENN | 0

#620038 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 23:00

umm. i'm kind of in love with your comment Bo_day_shus. :D

Reply

cookiepenguin | 0

#918437 - Saturday 6 March 2010 9:16

at least it wasn't agun or it hit you in thefamily jewals

By sodahhhr | 0

#616039 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:11

Firsy

Reply

Incubuss | 0

#616118 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:38

Double fail. You can't even spell 'first'.

Reply

shinshoku13 | 19

#3959540 - Sunday 29 January 2012 2:52

Um actualy i believe she was making a pun on the similarities between first and thursty by saying firsy

Reply

arrow007archer | 19

#6086702 - Saturday 11 October 2014 9:25

only pricks say "First"

By doggie3 | 0

#616051 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:14

Sounds painful.

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#616211 - Monday 12 October 2009 0:31

Oh it is, I had a giant cactus plant when I lived in Florida. Was right outside the house. If I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking... ouchies.

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#616317 - Monday 12 October 2009 1:26

Maybe it's a magical cactus!

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#618507 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:54

I wish!

By JohnE3 | 0

#616055 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:16

Ouch. Well, ouch only if it hit you in the face; which would have been really funny if it was on youtube in slow-mo.

By supercu96 | 0

#616056 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:16

lol can't wait to see some moron's reason for this to be YDI

FYL xD

Reply

boogersyum | 0

#616067 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

You diserve it for owning a cactus! ROFL

Reply

SoreThroat | 0

#616077 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:22

Diserve? Lawl. He so DISERVED that one.

Reply

Shiningstartp | 9

#3384838 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 7:16

Hahaha . This was the exact reason I read the comments... To see the reasoning behind ydi lol.

By paivarotti | 0

#616064 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.

Reply

paivarotti | 0

#616084 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:25

Perhaps it's all part of an s&m thing she's trying? Seriously, try this pineapple idea, i'm sure it'll only make your marriage more of a success.

Reply

ChronicFAIL | 0

#616490 - Monday 12 October 2009 4:00

Pineapple is code for penis.

*Just to be clear.* ;)

Reply

madishunwhut7 | 0

#617707 - Monday 12 October 2009 20:41

good use of the word "bajingo"
i haven't heard that in a long time!

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#2849568 - Friday 8 July 2011 19:54

You know, the pineapple is the manliest fruit, rough and spiny on the outside, but soft and sweet on the inside.

Reply

Epickitty58 | 29

#6256064 - Wednesday 8 April 2015 5:54

Thank you for helping me explain my hilarious and not-always-school-appropriate vocabulary, #6.

By Josher47 | 0

#616065 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

What a great wife

By shellybean87 | 0

#616087 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:26

haha funny! and no ur not #1 loser

By QueenOfEpic | 0

#616098 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:30

I'MA FIRIN' MAH CACTUS!!!

Reply

PandaPandaPandaX | 0

#616701 - Monday 12 October 2009 6:51

Hahaha you reminded me of a comic called Girls With Slingshots. :D

By fmlreader1359 | 0

#616109 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:35

^ do you really not have a legit comment to say? that sucks btw. those needles hurt I've been poked by em before. and I have the flu. that would be cool if it was swine