Miscellaneous: Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out... - FML

By prickly - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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Messed up

Spooky

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 17/6/2020 20:01

Bad guy (duh)

Today, I had to fake enthusiasm when my girlfriend told me she's pregnant. She has a nasty streak and I was planning to break up with her, but if I left her now everyone would think I’m the bad guy. And I actually think she’s capable of killing me if she gets angry enough. FML

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By WearingSomethingStringy - United States - Cranston

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

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By Bambi113 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the kids I babysit hid from me. While I was looking for them, I stepped on multiple strategically-placed Lego bricks. When I yelped from the pain, the kids jumped out and threw soccer balls in my face. FML

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By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By Sue Ellen - United States - Providence

Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

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By ko - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to see a musical that some school friends had put on. At some point in the show, the main character kicked her leg up in the air, and her high heel flew off of her foot and into the audience. The shoe hit me square in the face. FML

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By - United States - Modesto

Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML

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By natedudelol

#choices

Today, at the self-checkout, I didn't have enough money for honey, so I just walked out with it and ended up getting caught. Now I have to hold a sign in front of the store wearing a big bumblebee costume. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends plastic wrapped me to my bed while I was sleeping, I had an allergic reaction to the plastic and had to have the girl I like come cut me out and give me my meds. I sleep naked and was unable to put on clothes during this time. She saw me naked, swollen and with hives. FML

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By busmanhoe - Norway

Today, I was sitting on the bus to the gym. I saw that an old woman needed help to get off the bus, so I got up, and helped her off. When I had finally got her down the stairs the bus closed the doors and drove away. I was in the middle of nowhere and the bus drove away with all my things. FML

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By dammit hearing aid - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was interviewing a woman for a job. She told me that she may need days off because of her artistic son. I jokingly replied, "Does he color on the walls or something?" She then stared at me with a weird look on her face. Autistic, her son is autistic. FML

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By hoolabaloo - India - Ahmadabad

Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML

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By Garry the Gluten-Free Pizza - United States

Today, I was carjacked. As he shoved me away from my car, I got hit by another car. He and the other car both drove off. FML

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By catsonuincorns - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

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By Johnny - United States - Memphis

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

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By Welp - Romania

Today, I found out that my company used a nice photo of my coworkers and me for their corporate website, in efforts to make their office seem fun and relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't just fired every single person in the photo, myself included. FML

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By fuckyoutoothen! - 22/7/2020 08:02

Nice victim blaming!

Today, I showed my friend all the dirty messages and dick pics her boyfriend had sent me. I included the ones of me telling him to stop. Instead of being mad at him, she flipped out on me, saying it’s my fault because I “dress too sexy” and he shouldn’t even have my number. He got it from her phone. FML

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By Painful - United States

Today, I was sitting around a bonfire when an ember landed on my crotch. Without thinking, I quickly slapped at it and hit myself square in the nuts. FML

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By stuckonrepeat - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

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By Frozen Food Fan - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

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By pukishgirl - India

Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML

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By MikeMoosey - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By Chops - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Everything was going great until I noticed a small blinking light on my shelf. It turns out that it was a camera. My mom put it there to make sure I cleaned my room. She saw the whole thing. FML

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By void bowels() { cry(); } - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

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By DuChaillu - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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By whoawhat - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

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By -__- - Greece - Athens

Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML

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By ididntdoanythingaight - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

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By itsrathersmall - United States - Fargo

Today, I learned my neighbor can access my wireless printer from his house after it started printing off pictures of what I'm assuming is his penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cooking with my girlfriend, I thought it would be funny to slap her with a raw porkchop. She thought it would be funny to throw the hot cooking grease on me. FML

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By Janitoro - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

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By AbandonedHouseWife - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I woke up and found a little note where my husband should have been. It said, "We've had some good times, hun, but it's time for me to move on." We've been married for 15 years, and have 3 children. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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Top comments

By paivarotti | 0

#616064 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.

By doggie3 | 0

#616051 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:14

Sounds painful.

COMMENTS

By El_mariachi | 0

#616036 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:10

I'm #1

Reply

Six_and_the_Moon | 3

#616235 - Monday 12 October 2009 0:42

I'm firsy too ... get me a glass of ginger beer?

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616436 - Monday 12 October 2009 3:12

YDI for marrying a blonde.

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#616438 - Monday 12 October 2009 3:14

Also, you should drop kick her ass

Reply

Bo_day_shus | 0

#618574 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 4:22

that's got forgiveness blowjob written all over it. score.

Reply

HOPELESSLYxJENN | 0

#620038 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 23:00

umm. i'm kind of in love with your comment Bo_day_shus. :D

Reply

cookiepenguin | 0

#918437 - Saturday 6 March 2010 9:16

at least it wasn't agun or it hit you in thefamily jewals

By sodahhhr | 0

#616039 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:11

Firsy

Reply

Incubuss | 0

#616118 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:38

Double fail. You can't even spell 'first'.

Reply

shinshoku13 | 19

#3959540 - Sunday 29 January 2012 2:52

Um actualy i believe she was making a pun on the similarities between first and thursty by saying firsy

Reply

arrow007archer | 19

#6086702 - Saturday 11 October 2014 9:25

only pricks say "First"

By doggie3 | 0

#616051 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:14

Sounds painful.

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#616211 - Monday 12 October 2009 0:31

Oh it is, I had a giant cactus plant when I lived in Florida. Was right outside the house. If I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking... ouchies.

Reply

Ajjas013 | 6

#616317 - Monday 12 October 2009 1:26

Maybe it's a magical cactus!

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#618507 - Tuesday 13 October 2009 3:54

I wish!

By JohnE3 | 0

#616055 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:16

Ouch. Well, ouch only if it hit you in the face; which would have been really funny if it was on youtube in slow-mo.

By supercu96 | 0

#616056 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:16

lol can't wait to see some moron's reason for this to be YDI

FYL xD

Reply

boogersyum | 0

#616067 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

You diserve it for owning a cactus! ROFL

Reply

SoreThroat | 0

#616077 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:22

Diserve? Lawl. He so DISERVED that one.

Reply

Shiningstartp | 9

#3384838 - Tuesday 4 October 2011 7:16

Hahaha . This was the exact reason I read the comments... To see the reasoning behind ydi lol.

By paivarotti | 0

#616064 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.

Reply

paivarotti | 0

#616084 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:25

Perhaps it's all part of an s&m thing she's trying? Seriously, try this pineapple idea, i'm sure it'll only make your marriage more of a success.

Reply

ChronicFAIL | 0

#616490 - Monday 12 October 2009 4:00

Pineapple is code for penis.

*Just to be clear.* ;)

Reply

madishunwhut7 | 0

#617707 - Monday 12 October 2009 20:41

good use of the word "bajingo"
i haven't heard that in a long time!

Reply

DKjazz | 20

#2849568 - Friday 8 July 2011 19:54

You know, the pineapple is the manliest fruit, rough and spiny on the outside, but soft and sweet on the inside.

Reply

Epickitty58 | 29

#6256064 - Wednesday 8 April 2015 5:54

Thank you for helping me explain my hilarious and not-always-school-appropriate vocabulary, #6.

By Josher47 | 0

#616065 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:18

What a great wife

By shellybean87 | 0

#616087 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:26

haha funny! and no ur not #1 loser

By QueenOfEpic | 0

#616098 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:30

I'MA FIRIN' MAH CACTUS!!!

Reply

PandaPandaPandaX | 0

#616701 - Monday 12 October 2009 6:51

Hahaha you reminded me of a comic called Girls With Slingshots. :D

By fmlreader1359 | 0

#616109 - Sunday 11 October 2009 23:35

^ do you really not have a legit comment to say? that sucks btw. those needles hurt I've been poked by em before. and I have the flu. that would be cool if it was swine