By Anonymous - 29/07/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
I agree, your life sucks 68 199
You deserved it 7 258

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sportmaster525 0

wow that is one super conservative wife

blah123blah 0

LOL! Its kinda natural...


Mc09toofine 0

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Emberlin 0

Yea but wtf, how can you be married to someone as crazy as that? So she never had any self enjoyment ever? She's really lame And why would you just THINK she was overreacting? The only reason someone would need counseling because of jacking off is if they were doing it 20 times a day and it interfered with everyday life

Agreed, jacking off is only a problem if you do it way too often. If the kid does it like once a day or less, what's the problem? Spanking your monkey is normal and healthy. This bitch is crazy!

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I think the problem here is that she began "sobbing uncontrollably" when he said that his son would "turn out like him" I mean wtf? Not only is she a bat-shit crazy bitch about masturbating but she apparently doesn't want her son to turn out like her husband?

75% of women admit to masturbating. the other 25% are liars. Everybody masturbates. Everybody. Even your grandmother.

I feel ill now...

Rabbits 0

You should start crying and tell her she's right that you don't want your son to turn out like you did because then he'll be stuck with a crazy wife.

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eli_guerra 0

In some countries, masturbation is penalized with decapatation. The question is, which head? P.S. Masturbation is natural

OP, I feel really sad for you for having such a psycho wife. FYL for having married someone like that. Masturbating is actually really healthy. Okay, not if you overdo it, but in moderation, it's very good for your body. No one is going to be prepared to give counselling to someone for masturbation, unless they're damn greedy. And #36 you are wrong! ALMOST every guy out there masturbates, but only about 70% of girls masturbate. Why would someone lie in an anonymous survey?

lifeislife_fml 0

#31 I think the OP means that the son will probably turn out like him, not that he SHOULD (like forcing him to) turn out like him. Unless I misunderstood your post.

Did you even read it? :|

#93: There are a lot of psychological reasons why people would lie in a survey. Even if anonymous they may feel embarrassed to admit it. Also, the question may be worded in a way that subtly influences people to choose what they feel is the "right answer". Order of questions can also be important; if certain questions are asked before that one, then people may be cued to answer in a way they feel appropriate to the survey. There are many reasons. But I do find it hard to believe that 30 percent of people have never tried it even once.

alliemi 0

She began sobbing uncontrollably which is insulting I suppose but considering that she's that boring and thinks masturbating is abnormal and weird... it's probably a good thing then. idk.

Mc09toofine 0

yeah i think she was over reacting also i really don't think that it's that big a deal! but i mean you should be concerned if he does it excessively..... but her reaction was uncalled for

I know people who are too uptight to even think about it. Not everyone masturbates. (But they should.)

tenkenshi 2

Everyone here seems to assume an inherent frequency when they see the word masturbate. I'm sure that at some point in their life, EVERYONE has done it at least once. They also assume that you have to do it to orgasm for it to count. As long as you touched yourself there a little longer because it felt good, it counts. You know what they say for guys: More than 2 shakes and you're just playing with yourself. Inb4: look up masturbation in the dictionary. dictionary's definition says "usually to orgasm" not always.

wishtree 0

/Especially/ your grandmother.

dramakat11 0

If that's true that only 70% of girls masturbate that's so sad. It's so important, especially for women who tend to have a more difficult time reaching orgasm, to be intimate with oneself and get in touch with one's sexuality in that way. It helps you find out what you like and will make sex better with your partner. It can also give young people or anyone who wants to wait to fall in love or get in a good relationship to have sex a way to satisfy themselves and be able to wait. Girls: you are cheating yourselves if you don't masturbate. Women need to own and be proud of their sexuality. Young boys talk to each other about jacking off all the time and yet many young girls say "ewww, I would never do that." It's ridiculous.

LOL Epic comeback! I aplaud you sir!

i as well must applaud you for that speech, social norms can go fuck themselves, lol pardon the pun

dacman48 0

#36, thats about as creapy as a guy who specalizes in raping grannies

Young_Sparta 0

yeah, 36...because thats the image i wanted in my grandmother masturbating. wtf man? i'm gonna have nightmares...

Catastrophic37 0

Dude I would tell her to take the stick out of her ass...

heavenandhell 0

because nothing is acctualy anonymous

Actually, I know some girls who don't masturbate because they think it's gross and wrong. Of course they do not represent the majority.

That's simply not true. Many MANY women believe that their downstairs is a super no no and won't ever touch that area for any reason! They were raised to believe that doing so is dirty and wrong. I am imagining that the OP's wife is one of these women. Don't believe me!? There is therapy for women who DON'T know how to masturbate. In addition, the lady who gives me my Brazilians (it takes 4 have to help) has recounted tales of plenty of women who are unwilling to touch themselves when they get waxed.

Thanks, #36, I'm staying at my Grandma's right now...

lloyd1992 0

Good point :)

anniedani 0

i don't thank you very much

Hahahahaha I laughed so hard at this one:)

And stick it somewhere else, so she knows what she's missing.

blah123blah 0

LOL! Its kinda natural...

wow man you married a crazy...that SUCKS SO BAD YOUR LIFE IS SO EFFED

Kind of?

sportmaster525 0

wow that is one super conservative wife

That, or she found out their son masturbated because he did it on top of the slide in the schoolyard. It doesn't say.

sportmaster525 0

well if that was the case then i would agree that he would deserve counseling haha. and did the father do that too when he was a teen? likely not the case though

No, I suppose that's probably not what happened. Sucks to be the OP's son, he's probably going to have some warped ideas about sex when he grows up. People who as a child got the message that sex is bad and wrong often have sexual problems as adults. Hopefully the counselor will teach the mother something instead of the son.

in denial much, every guy does it

lolololcheese 0

so does every girl

not every girl

fatass123 0


why would i lie? it's nothing to be ashamed of

nandiyo 0

She's right... Not all girls. Heck, my life would be infinitely simpler if I masturbated. (Not that I haven't tried.. just hasn't been particularly effective.)

hahaha, the unfortunateness of that comment, spread onto the canvas where i was supposed to paint the world as it was when we were younger but now thanks to you, I HAVE TO BUY A NEW CANVAS!!!

I am a guy and I don't! I'm 15, mid puberty. I'm straight and I'm NOT lying. Why would I bother to lie to the internet, anyway? (By the way, making that "percentage" joke just shows how annoying you can be by recycling stupid jokes, so fuck off.)

Not every guy does it and not every girl does it, but they are the minority. Otherwise it's perfectly healthy and natural as long as you don't overdo it. I've never understood anyone that claims it's immoral or disgusting. I have a few female friends that say they refuse to masturbate because they think it's gross. Yeah, good luck with that sexual insecurity... But seriously, regardless of your opinions of self pleasure, counseling??

Every person who ever existed masterbates. Your grandma, your dog, Jesus, etc. You may not even realize you're doing it but you are. It's impossible not to.

dramakat11 0

Oh my gosh! FYL # 108. Get a vibrator or watch a how-to video or some porn or something geez.

@#113 chfanfitcion, you must be a late bloomer or you were just sheltered when you were a kid. 15 still isn’t that bad you’ll catch on eventually, every guy does it sooner or later. Girls have a choice, but for males it’s a MUST. Unless you’re not planning on having any kids, or just perfectly happy with having weak sperm, then I would see no problem with what you’re doing.

"Underdeveloped"? I have a sex drive, I just choose not to. I have many signs of puberty. It's like this: I think going to the bathroom is a little gross. Yes, it's prefectly natural, and I'm okay with doing that because I have to. but, if given the opportunity, I would like to not have to do them anymore. Since I can avoid masturbating and I find it kind of gross (normal, but gross), I choose not to. There really aren't any adverse affects- I feel just fine without doing it. If I want to relieve stresss, I'll go read a book. And "weak sperm?" Seriously? They aren't going to be swimming faster just because more of them are dying each day. To be honest, I find my personal choice not to do no has more merit than the negligible benefits it entails. To summarize: I'm a normal, pubescent, 15-year-old guy I understand it's normal I just choose not to do it. To be honest, I think it's just as normal not to as it is to. It's my choice and TBH I don't see it as a very big one anyway.

Sylversuns 0

That is hella weird, chfanfiction, I don't care what you say. I really don't care if you jack off or not, but I think, speaking from experience, you're probably gay if you're "straight but don't get excited about girls enough to masturbate." Just saying. You remind me of those annoying guys in Christian "alternative" bands. Ugh.

Okay, I NEVER said anything about girls not exciting me. And screw you for going so low as to having to insult my sexuality. I don't fucking CARE what you think about whether it's weird or not. Just because I can CONTROL my goddamn sex drive doesn't mean I'm asexual or gay or whatever. NOTHING excites me enough that I feel the need to masturbate. Say what you want, but I'm perfectly fine with that.

anniedani 0

wow. if she thinks masturbation is wrong then how in hell did she make her son? good god it's almost the exact same thing. we were created to do it.

there is no counselor on the planet since Freud that would think masturbating is unhealthy, except the fucking preacher men who like to send gay people to camps that cause them to commit suicide. don't sound normal.....

OR, maybe he does get excited about girls enough to get laid. Which YOU obviously have NOT done yet. Your jelly bro! Hahahaa. Get some head kid.

I thought that was just on south park and it wasnt real.

djb23 0

haha fuck his life for having a mom like that..

too true, she must be a complete f*ckin moron, and she's probably blindly following a religion too..

Wow, she's stupid... FYL for having a wife like that.

shewasalmost18 0

maybe she caught him masturbating to willy wonka. i would be crying too

lloyd1992 0

lol thats funny

dotsdesu 0


thegate 0

You get NOTHING. You LOSE. Good DAY sir.

sportmaster525 0


some poor disturbed kid gets off to the oompa loompas, his fault?? No but its just unfortunate because its weird, sorry not to many other good descriptor words to use besides just weird, kid stop for your own good, oompa loompas are not the answer!

sportmaster525 0

i don't know whats worse. oompa loompas or augustus gloop

tenkenshi 2

Rule 34. Enough said.

StarChan 2

Is your wife on crack? >>; God, everyone does it for the most part. xD

melodyalam 0

I'd rather my kid masturbate than have sex.

#11 no its not. your wife is slower than a dial up connection....try introducing her to porn,maybe it'll put some sense into her FYL

WOW..........does she not realize that 95% of guys jack off??? & if she does send him to counseling. that poor kid.......thats just gonna be REALLY awkward for him. i can just see it now: Counselor: "How does it feel when you masturbate?"........

95% of the guys jack off and the other 5% are in denial about it

Crasken 0

Lol yeah, seriously, she's never going to meet any guys that didn't (and don't) masturbate. FYL man.

organismal 0

the other 5% are clergymen xD

I'm sure some of them did it when they were kids, or they still do. XD