Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with...

By smyp - 24/12/2015 17:34 - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

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Love

Boom, headshot

Grow up

Spooky

By Sebastian - 17/3/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, our school had tryouts for chorus. Everybody sang a snippet of the song together until the teacher stopped us, saying it sounded awful. He singled me out and told me to sing alone. After I sang the part, he said, "Son, your gift to God will be silence." FML

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By mylovelifeisanepicfail - 12/3/2015 13:53 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I discovered that the man I have been talking to on a dating site is actually my ex-boyfriend. He created a fake profile and made me fall for someone that doesn't exist. We got on better anonymously than we ever did in 3 years together. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 01:45 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 03:04 - United States

Today, I'm at work as a security guard. At a morgue. Why am I here? FML

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By Username - 15/6/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't kiss me because there was a picture of Superman on my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 12:00

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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By Anonomous - 29/12/2014 00:31 - United States - Plainfield

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 05:05 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 21:27 - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

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By romantic84 - 31/5/2011 04:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

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By Traveler - 9/10/2015 02:06

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By ihatecats - 1/12/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn't wearing a shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around the back. While hanging upside down, my hood fell over my head. My dog ran through to investigate the noise and ravaged me thinking I was a burglar. I then fell and broke my wrist. FML

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By jake - 12/8/2012 15:49 - United States - Bend

Today, I invited my girlfriend over to a family lunch, planning to propose to her at just the right moment. My family was in on it, including my apparently disapproving mom, who kept causing a scene to grab my girlfriend's attention every time I went to pull out the ring. FML

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By wantontsu - 11/9/2010 18:59

Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML

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By doglover - 3/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2011 12:38 - United States

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 00:01

Today, I was friendzoned by my boyfriend due to the fact that we never fight. Apparently, if there's no fighting, there's no passion. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2015 03:44 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

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By toomuchwork - 13/9/2018 01:30

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

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By kklaucen14 - 6/8/2012 01:15 - United States - Connersville

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

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By frustrated - 11/7/2013 04:52 - United States - Antioch

Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

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By welpwelpwelp - 8/7/2015 17:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a party, I ran into the girl I've liked for ages. I was so nervous, but I managed to keep the conversation going for a half hour. After mustering up the courage to ask her out on a date, her drunk, over-protective ex burst in and threw up on my shirt. Good timing, asswipe. FML

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By SBae - 14/3/2016 15:49 - United States - Uniontown

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

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By shia - 11/3/2011 00:51

Today, I got a super short pixie cut. All my boyfriend could do was stare at me, speechless. I thought he was taken aback by how cute it was until he told me that I look exactly like my fifteen year old brother. FML

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By Nakdnathan - 16/9/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I got written up for not making a drink right. While getting yelled at by my boss, my co-worker made the drink the same exact way I made it. I pointed it out. My boss responded with, "He is allowed to because I like him, I don't like you." FML

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By Brittany - 23/12/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML

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By estranger - 3/1/2014 22:36 - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

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By anonymous - 19/3/2011 10:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I orgasm, my increased heart rate causes me to pass out. I also found out my boyfriend doesn't stop when I'm unconscious. FML

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By orilykid - 31/10/2012 17:23 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was cleaning out my roof's gutter, which was full of leaves. There was an especially big pile, and when I started scooping it up, I felt something squishy. Turns out those leaves were covering the remains of a rotting squirrel. I can't stop smelling it. FML

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By None - 8/2/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, I auditioned for the musical at my school. Before I sang my song, I gave my music to the director. She said "Oh, I love this song!". After I sang it, she told me, "Its okay, I still like the song." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2012 10:07 - United States

Today, after getting a pat of appreciation from my girlfriend's father for taking it slow, he found me later, in her room, with my head between her thighs. FML

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By perfecttiming - 6/5/2013 15:25 - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

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By FranchezDeVista - 30/8/2015 18:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

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By notmarryingyou - 10/9/2014 17:16 - United States - Bothell

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

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By elfy2 - 3/3/2011 02:49

Today, while riding the bus to a really important job interview the child sitting next to me threw up in my lap. His mother then told him to wipe his mouth. He used my sleeve. FML

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By Shrimpy - 16/3/2019 20:00

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

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By MoreThenFriends - 16/8/2018 22:00

Rachel! Emily!

Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 05:03 - United States - Denver

Today, I found a picture of myself on the "People of Walmart" site. FML

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Top comments

By allykaymorris | 24

#6492971 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:03

Another monster-in-law... When will they learn that just being nice makes everything better? Merry Christmas OP, I hope things only get better!

By CSU_Dynasty | 8

#6492969 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:03

Been there. Lives that.

COMMENTS

By CSU_Dynasty | 8

#6492969 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:03

Been there. Lives that.

By allykaymorris | 24

#6492971 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:03

Another monster-in-law... When will they learn that just being nice makes everything better? Merry Christmas OP, I hope things only get better!

TripleDallas123 | 15

#6493387 - Friday 25 December 2015 18:13

"Monster-In-Law" Never heard that one before xD

By jlang917 | 14

#6492972 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:04

Don't let it get to you OP! Just go to your family next year!

By corporatescoundr | 25

#6492974 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:04

Damn... Sorry OP. I know what it's like to have a semi-bad relationship with your in-laws. Just grit and bear through it. Hopefully she comes around.

By CharlieKearney | 23

#6492978 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:04

Some in-laws just don't accept their children's spouses. Just suck it up and be polite, you don't have to see them everyday. And I really hope your Christmas wasn't ruined by this. Merry Christmas to you and your family!

Mathalamus | 24

#6493021 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:50

i would go the route of never seeing them. even on Christmas. just me, not anyone else.

HighlandShadows | 48

#6493141 - Friday 25 December 2015 7:06

But that could upset the spouse, that whole "you marry me, you marry my whole family" thing.

Lunaressence | 13

#6493243 - Friday 25 December 2015 10:14

It might be how I was raised, but the whole marry the family thing is just creepy and wrong to me. Not sure why. Always cringe when I read it.

DoomedGemini | 37

#6493354 - Friday 25 December 2015 17:42

If they won't stand up for their spouse, they don't really have a right to complain about them avoiding someone who is rude, disrespectful, or mean toward them.

tlnorman | 18

#6493571 - Saturday 26 December 2015 1:23

Agreed 100%

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6492984 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:06

Well doesn't she sound delightful to be around...

By PenguinsLaugh | 24

#6492985 - Friday 25 December 2015 1:06

That sucks, OP. Talk to your wife about it and maybe she can clear things up with her mom. I had something similar happen with my mil. My husband talked to her later and found out she was just in a really bad mood and didn't mean it. Hope everything works out. Merry Christmas!!