Intimacy: Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til...

By butch - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

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Intimacy

Our house, in the middle of our street

Ever Given

Let it all out

By oops - United States

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

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By Clumsy Clumsy - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend to kiss him when he got home from work. I tripped and I fell on him, and he fell backwards. He ended up hitting his head on the sidewalk and had to get stitches. He also had a concussion. FML

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By not a whore! - 30/8/2020 07:05 - United States - Madison

Can't catch a break

Today my sister was complaining about all the inaccuracies in Grey's Anatomy and how it negatively portrayed nurses. I’m a massage therapist. Almost everything portrays us as cheap whores. I’ve even been propositioned several times. When I pointed this out, she and the rest of my family laughed. FML

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1604

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I had to shovel our driveway after an epic snowstorm that left us with 22 inches of snow. We only needed to dig out my mom's car and not mine. After we did all that work and shoveled all the snow onto the side where my car was we found out my mom had a flat tire. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, as I was out walking, one homeless man sitting with two others asked me for something to eat. Trying to do a good deed, I bought the three men a bag of apples. They then fought viciously over them before the first man chased me for handing them to "the wrong one." FML

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By ohtheshame

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

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By Marie Foster - United States

Today, I was talking to my online therapist about my problems with relationships, mainly that guys only want sex and don't listen to me. After I'd confided in him, and told him how I felt about my issues, he told me he would marry me and have my children. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 17:01

Not the sharpest tool

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Her six old likes me more than her. I hate kids. I stayed with her in spite of her son, because I love her. For some reason she thought I was going to leave her and take her kid with me. So she broke up with me first. FML

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1007

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By notahomewrecker - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my neighbor brought a ruined napkin holder over and claimed that we drilled a hole through his wall and ruined it. I apologized, not telling him that it was actually a bullet that my boyfriend shot through the wall. FML

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By verbaltodomestic - United States - La Crosse

Today, I took my girlfriend to a public place before confessing that I've been seeing another woman, to avoid a dramatic scene. After being rushed to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose, I think it's safe to say my plan didn't go very well. FML

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By Cyrah - United States

Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML

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2175

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By ouch - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

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61040

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

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720

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Christmas pictures

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

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2745

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By jigglypuff100 - United States

Today, while working at the zoo, I noticed a boy throwing candy into the warthog's exhibit. The fastest way to get there was to go through the exhibit, and speak to the kid from inside. I must have said three words when a lollipop hit me in the eye. Then the warthog peed on me. FML

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28235

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By smashleighfig - France

Today, I found out my husband of 10 years has a online blog. Excited to read about myself, I began skimming, only to find out that every entry is him explaining how he let his "soulmate" walk away 9 years ago because of his "previous commitment" and how he regrets it every day. FML

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39978

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By HitbyIce - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

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31909

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By JustWantedToRelax - United States

Today, I took my dogs to the park and sat in the grass while they played. Within the first half hour two male dogs peed on my back. The first owner apologized and gave me a wipe to clean up while the second one had the nerve to tell me "this is why I bring a chair" FML

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12734

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I got stung by a bee. On my eyelid. I'm allergic so it's swollen up so much, I can't even open my eye. Tomorrow is the first day of a new prestigious school. I either have to go to school wearing an eye-patch or walk around looking like a monster. FML

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48650

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By fat - United States - Lancaster

Today, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I want to start working out and get rid of my holiday weight. His response? "Okay, just don't join a gym. People will have to see you there." FML

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46124

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By killme - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room". FML

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26963

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By E - United States

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

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83214

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By Don't text and work - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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10127

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By Snowtoe

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

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By Username

Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML

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21809

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By jriese444 - United States

Today, my sister is visiting. She used more toilet paper today than I have in two months. FML

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27418

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By welcome to the neighborhood - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

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11548

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By Loser - United States - Winona

Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school, one of which I really like. Everything was great until I caught a fish on my own personal nightcrawler and they had to take me to the ER. I'll forever be known as "salmon dick". FML

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4313

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in the market for a new girlfriend. How? He used my credit card to sign up for 3 dating sites. FML

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38298

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By Awkward - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I sat awkwardly and pretended like I didn't notice my cousin discreetly trying to masturbate while talking to me. This isn't the first time anything like this has happened. FML

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38774

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By LonelyHeart - United States

Today, I surprised my boyfriend at work, only to notice that his neck was covered in hickies. The night before, he texted me saying he needed alone time to get his mind together. Looks like he got together with another mind. FML

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39618

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drawing while on the train, when a very good-looking woman looked at my work and said, "Wow, she's pretty. Is it supposed to be me?" She said it in a flirty tone, but before I could stop myself, I'd said "nah, it's just a generic face". FML

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24329

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By poohanne - United States - Ville Platte

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

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27855

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By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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32466

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By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

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18077

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By me - United States - Norman

Today, I found out my mom has been telling my entire family I need surgery on my "Labia" instead of my "Labrum". I went from needing shoulder surgery to needing vagina surgery with one group text. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12615

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By Anonymous - United States - Marietta

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

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51240

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By Thanh Quang

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

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40498

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#669808 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:17

They agreed because you invited them both over to play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and threw away the rock and the paper.

By boog_fml | 7

#670368 - Saturday 14 November 2009 0:00

Either I'm drunk or this FML really sucks because I didn't understand a word of it =

COMMENTS

By Reutan | 0

#669735 - Friday 13 November 2009 16:26

That's terrible... fyl. Hmm...did I actually make it this early?

crabbyabby718 | 0

#3208953 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 4:57

1, you just ruined the first comment.

By Krilov | 0

#669757 - Friday 13 November 2009 16:40

rofl fyl

By tayzer_fml | 0

#669785 - Friday 13 November 2009 16:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

falling4youxo | 7

#3198512 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:44

This is FML, not grammar school.

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4370760 - Sunday 29 April 2012 22:59

Yes it is. I'm a grammar Nazi. I didn't get it either until I re-read it slowly four times.

By enough4 | 0

#669795 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:08

And the guy in the upstairs apartment knows it was the girl in the apartment next door how, exactly?

xslapchopx | 0

#1155348 - Thursday 29 July 2010 5:39

uhhhh good point.

brandon2014 | 0

#1242334 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:20

they are in the same apartment complex, doesn't mean you can't know someone from a floor below.

agsilver | 14

#2392073 - Saturday 23 April 2011 15:33

it's all in the cries man. men go UGHGHHHHH. women go Oh yeah or it feels so good, etc

By perdix | 29

#669808 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:17

They agreed because you invited them both over to play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and threw away the rock and the paper.

By gatorcheer | 0

#669865 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:52

Agree with #3.

By bugmenotmofo | 34

#669902 - Friday 13 November 2009 18:18

you've been replaced by a plastic penis.

By Erindub | 0

#670016 - Friday 13 November 2009 20:06

Damn that sucks. Sorry dude

By boog_fml | 7

#670368 - Saturday 14 November 2009 0:00

Either I'm drunk or this FML really sucks because I didn't understand a word of it =

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6065788 - Monday 15 September 2014 23:40

Op was out of town & his gf, the woman next door, & possibly another dude had sex in his (or their) apartment.

By CallMeHush | 0

#670421 - Saturday 14 November 2009 0:39

Don't just hate when you come home to find out you just missed another threesome? You better talk to her and tell her the next time you want to be the meat in that sandwich. ( LOL threesome is in my phone's predictive text)