Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til...

By butch - 13/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

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Intimacy

Dad jokes, part 43884

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

A beautiful truck decoration

By thanks a lot - 26/5/2020 08:00

Stay alert!

Today, my state began relaxing the quarantine order. We decided to take the kids for a nice picnic in the park to get them outside. First park we went to, we saw a homeless man openly pissing in the parking lot. Second park, we saw two teens fucking on the table. Day was officially ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 14:03

Almost there

Today, I discovered that my contract start date is exactly 2 days outside of the furlough date. Meaning instead of taking 80% of my salary, I'm only getting 40% (thanks to the company). This would be fine if I hadn't just moved countries to get this job. FML

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By Patrick - 27/1/2010 11:55 - United States

Today, I realized that my ex-girlfriend has gone further with a girl than I have. FML

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By mike h - 10/8/2012 04:37 - United States - Mcadoo

Today, I started my dream job of being a veterinarian. My first day consisted of having to put down 12 dogs and 5 cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2013 06:53 - United States - Prairie City

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds 'lol' to everything which turns me off. FML

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By nosleep - 5/2/2011 00:05 - Australia

Today, in the middle of the night, my fiancé started yelling gibberish in his sleep. When I tried to wake him, he punched me square in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

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By Proprepourtant - 16/4/2011 11:28 - France

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

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By StupidSecurityConsultant - 25/7/2019 18:00

Today, I was supposed to do a month's work presentation at the company I work for. They skipped over my presentation, because they needed time for the "weight loss" competition presentation. FML

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By E.S. - 23/10/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I had lunch with some important potential clients at a fancy restaurant. I really wanted to make a good impression. When the piano music stopped, I started clapping while looking around for the pianist. Apparently, it was a CD. FML

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By The Sbeak - 13/2/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

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By inthedark - 9/2/2010 17:53 - Canada

Today, I found out why my five year old has been throwing tantrums while shopping. It turns out my ex-husband has been paying her three dollars for every public tantrum she throws. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 23:01

Confinement's gonna be fun

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

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By siggit - 10/9/2009 15:58 - United States

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

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By icandothecancan - 21/6/2014 23:14 - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 16:54 - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

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By dangyo - 26/1/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, my dad learned how to use the parental controls. I now have an 11 o'clock curfew. I am 17. FML

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By DrewK - 14/5/2013 20:09 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I went into the men's restroom and started peeing in a urinal next to a middle-age man. As he zipped up and walked away, he said to me, "Don't worry, it'll grow." FML

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By ohseven6421 - 3/9/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By oceangirl - 8/2/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

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By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

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By Username - 6/11/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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By That'sMyBoy - 28/5/2017 00:00 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I put glue traps around my home to catch spiders. So far, the only thing dumb enough to get caught in one is my 10-year-old son. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 21:27 - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

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By bitchyskier - 26/2/2011 21:36 - United States

Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her "Get the f*ck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML

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By Shelly - 30/10/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 15:43 - United States - Pembroke

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

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By byepolar_bare - 19/12/2010 11:29 - United States

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

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By kthx - 22/10/2009 12:26 - Canada

Today, it was my grandfather's burial. As the family was about to leave, a great aunt came up to my skinny, tall and pretty cousin and told her, "Stay beautiful and kind." Then, she walked to me and said, "And you, Stay kind." FML

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By someone - 2/9/2009 11:00 - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2020 00:01

Right place, wrong time

Today, as I'd been going to a gym with my wife as a guest on her account, I joined as a regular member. However, before I had time to go under my own membership, the gym closed down due to the coronavirus. FML

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By easily amused - 12/10/2013 05:40 - United States

Today, I discovered my 10 month old is terrified of my laugh. Every time I start to laugh, she screams in terror. It's getting depressing. FML

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By I hate my brother - 20/3/2016 18:53 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

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By failed_catgirl - 19/10/2010 23:24 - Canada

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Wilf - 22/2/2013 15:48 - Australia - Perth

Today, the arts company I work for cancelled our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, and will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office trained in ticketing. It stopped raining 10 minutes after we cancelled it. FML

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By - 5/1/2020 18:00

New deal

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

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By Chris - 22/10/2009 04:57 - Canada

Today, I was riding the bus home from college. I was standing in the aisle and there was a rather cute girl sitting next to me. The bus came to an abrupt stop, I tripped, and fell into her lap. She shrieked, "Eww! Get off me!" and shove me onto the floor of the bus. Nice to know I'm revolting. FML

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By Gus - 30/11/2012 19:30 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

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By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#669808 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:17

They agreed because you invited them both over to play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and threw away the rock and the paper.

By boog_fml | 7

#670368 - Saturday 14 November 2009 0:00

Either I'm drunk or this FML really sucks because I didn't understand a word of it =

Comments

By Reutan | 0

#669735 - Friday 13 November 2009 16:26

That's terrible... fyl. Hmm...did I actually make it this early?

crabbyabby718 | 0

#3208953 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 4:57

1, you just ruined the first comment.

By Krilov | 0

#669757 - Friday 13 November 2009 16:40

rofl fyl

By tayzer_fml | 0

#669785 - Friday 13 November 2009 16:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

falling4youxo | 7

#3198512 - Monday 29 August 2011 12:44

This is FML, not grammar school.

Ninjasaurus18 | 9

#4370760 - Sunday 29 April 2012 22:59

Yes it is. I'm a grammar Nazi. I didn't get it either until I re-read it slowly four times.

By enough4 | 0

#669795 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:08

And the guy in the upstairs apartment knows it was the girl in the apartment next door how, exactly?

xslapchopx | 0

#1155348 - Thursday 29 July 2010 5:39

uhhhh good point.

brandon2014 | 0

#1242334 - Sunday 15 August 2010 1:20

they are in the same apartment complex, doesn't mean you can't know someone from a floor below.

agsilver | 14

#2392073 - Saturday 23 April 2011 15:33

it's all in the cries man. men go UGHGHHHHH. women go Oh yeah or it feels so good, etc

By perdix | 29

#669808 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:17

They agreed because you invited them both over to play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and threw away the rock and the paper.

By gatorcheer | 0

#669865 - Friday 13 November 2009 17:52

Agree with #3.

By bugmenotmofo | 34

#669902 - Friday 13 November 2009 18:18

you've been replaced by a plastic penis.

By Erindub | 0

#670016 - Friday 13 November 2009 20:06

Damn that sucks. Sorry dude

By boog_fml | 7

#670368 - Saturday 14 November 2009 0:00

Either I'm drunk or this FML really sucks because I didn't understand a word of it =

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6065788 - Monday 15 September 2014 23:40

Op was out of town & his gf, the woman next door, & possibly another dude had sex in his (or their) apartment.

By CallMeHush | 0

#670421 - Saturday 14 November 2009 0:39

Don't just hate when you come home to find out you just missed another threesome? You better talk to her and tell her the next time you want to be the meat in that sandwich. ( LOL threesome is in my phone's predictive text)