Intimacy: Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 418

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 1 473

13/11/2009 07:04

Spicy

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 326

You deserved it 2 367

BO Central

Taking stock

Renters' rights

How's your hovel?

By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 08:02

Today, I was cooking in my Airbnb and grabbed a pan, only to find it had some kind of beetle and droppings all over it. I realized soon after that the whole place was infested, but the person in charge of maintenance won’t answer my messages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 84

27/05/2019 11:59

Today, while working the register, I told a kid his total was $2.15. He then took his shoe off and handed me his money. It was damp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 954

You deserved it 103

Alarmed

By Anonymous - 08/09/2019 20:01

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 549

You deserved it 97

02/11/2013 06:27

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 948

You deserved it 47 218

Misogynistic and insensitive. Great.

By Anonymous - 23/06/2018 14:30

Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom passed away when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered, "Women drivers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 835

You deserved it 419

09/07/2009 16:27

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 082

You deserved it 56 752

02/02/2015 19:34

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 714

You deserved it 4 280

14/01/2013 17:36

Today, both my brother and sister missed my wedding. She was playing in a Call of Duty tournament, and he got so high that he forgot about the wedding completely. He was my best man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 469

You deserved it 3 766

High Times

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 10:01

Today, I got hit by a car while I was on the phone. I was sat at a bus stop. The driver was high and lost focus lighting another blunt. My family and some friends are mad that I'm pressing charges and making weed look bad in the media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 746

You deserved it 331

16/07/2013 23:41

Today, I told the guy I liked about my crush on him. He said he would keep me in mind if he ever hits rock bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 236

You deserved it 3 827

16/12/2012 23:02

Spicy

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 597

You deserved it 4 006

07/04/2009 18:12

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 639

You deserved it 8 028

28/05/2009 05:04

Today, I was dealing with a psychiatric patient with a colonostomy bag. She got agitated and ripped the bag from her abdomen and threw it at my face. I got a bag filled with poop thrown at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 189

You deserved it 3 416

02/07/2009 20:37

Today, my husband's rich aunt and uncle came in town and handed us an envelope and said we hope this helps out with the student loans. Inside the envelope was just an article on new student loan procedures and how to get lower payments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 098

You deserved it 9 157

20/10/2017 01:48

Today, I twisted my ankle and fractured my wrist while dancing. I audition for a performing arts school in one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 112

You deserved it 264

20/06/2012 16:41

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 691

You deserved it 3 742

15/10/2009 20:19

Today, I flew to Mexico with my (now ex) boyfriend of two years. It was my first time flying, and apparently I have a fear. I had a panic attack on the plane. When we landed, I got dumped for "causing a scene." I am now stranded in Mexico alone for two weeks with no hotel room booked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 751

You deserved it 5 160

31/01/2009 23:14

Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 668

You deserved it 26 711

07/01/2012 06:48

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 310

You deserved it 5 681

12/05/2013 04:35

Today, my little brothers wouldn't stop teasing me over the fact that I'm a virgin and they are not. They are 13 and 16, I'm 22. What's worse? My dad quickly joined them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 154

You deserved it 7 534

28/09/2017 16:00

Today, I was matched with my boss on Tinder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 108

You deserved it 959

02/08/2014 00:20

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 251

You deserved it 3 870

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Anonymous - 24/09/2020 23:02

Today, my close friend messaged me, asking if she could still move in. I don't remember the conversation we had saying that she could move in in the first place. I live in a one bedroom apartment. I have no idea what to say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 176

10/01/2013 03:15

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 335

You deserved it 3 293

24/03/2016 03:02

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 571

You deserved it 1 456

17/04/2014 23:24

Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 680

You deserved it 4 117

15/05/2019 01:00

Spicy

Today, my wife served me with divorce papers that included an accusation that I haven’t given her a decent orgasm since 1996. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 451

You deserved it 694

"shortcomings"

By Anonymous - 24/02/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 795

You deserved it 607

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 17:01

Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 195

25/02/2010 17:44

Spicy

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 089

You deserved it 2 837

26/01/2014 04:29

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 873

You deserved it 10 096

13/01/2012 23:56

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 482

You deserved it 4 437

Brain melt

By coco1234 - 09/03/2020 12:35

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 1 344

23/01/2009 13:31

Today, I finally went on a date with the girl I'm in love with. After dinner we went to the bar for drinks and things were going great. Right up until she went home with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 697

You deserved it 2 400

11/06/2016 05:03

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 364

You deserved it 1 699

07/06/2009 09:23

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 918

You deserved it 7 425

25/08/2009 13:21

Today, a customer brought her kids into the store where I work. I like to make people laugh so being my usual joking self I kidded "Why aren't those kids in school?". She didn't laugh when she said that their house burned down the night before and the kids had no clothes to wear to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 126

You deserved it 13 219

21/12/2013 16:58

Today, my mum and I were referred to as "ladies". I'm happy for her, since she always complains about looking masculine. However, I would still like to be called a gentleman, seeing as how I am one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 146

You deserved it 3 633

I'm not a kid

By Babyface - 02/09/2021 20:01

Today, I've come to accept that I'll likely never be intimidating or taken seriously, because despite being 6'3" and 205 lbs, I have the face of a 12 year-old. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 105

07/07/2013 20:07

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 020

You deserved it 6 179

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Friday 13 November 2009 17:17

They agreed because you invited them both over to play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and threw away the rock and the paper.

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Saturday 14 November 2009 0:00

Either I'm drunk or this FML really sucks because I didn't understand a word of it =

Comments

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Friday 13 November 2009 16:26

That's terrible... fyl. Hmm...did I actually make it this early?

crabbyabby718 0

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Wednesday 31 August 2011 4:57

1, you just ruined the first comment.

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Friday 13 November 2009 16:40

rofl fyl

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Friday 13 November 2009 16:52

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

falling4youxo 7

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Monday 29 August 2011 12:44

This is FML, not grammar school.

Ninjasaurus18 9

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Sunday 29 April 2012 22:59

Yes it is. I'm a grammar Nazi. I didn't get it either until I re-read it slowly four times.

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Friday 13 November 2009 17:08

And the guy in the upstairs apartment knows it was the girl in the apartment next door how, exactly?

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Thursday 29 July 2010 5:39

uhhhh good point.

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Sunday 15 August 2010 1:20

they are in the same apartment complex, doesn't mean you can't know someone from a floor below.

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Saturday 23 April 2011 15:33

it's all in the cries man. men go UGHGHHHHH. women go Oh yeah or it feels so good, etc

perdix 29

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Friday 13 November 2009 17:17

They agreed because you invited them both over to play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and threw away the rock and the paper.

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Friday 13 November 2009 17:52

Agree with #3.

bugmenotmofo 34

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Friday 13 November 2009 18:18

you've been replaced by a plastic penis.

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Friday 13 November 2009 20:06

Damn that sucks. Sorry dude

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Saturday 14 November 2009 0:00

Either I'm drunk or this FML really sucks because I didn't understand a word of it =

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Monday 15 September 2014 23:40

Op was out of town & his gf, the woman next door, & possibly another dude had sex in his (or their) apartment.

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Saturday 14 November 2009 0:39

Don't just hate when you come home to find out you just missed another threesome? You better talk to her and tell her the next time you want to be the meat in that sandwich. ( LOL threesome is in my phone's predictive text)