Miscellaneous: Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one... - FML

By unwilling redneck - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

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Sorry…

This Charming Man

Mystery

By sifa - Malaysia

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

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By Lesbian and proud, nana

Today, my nana turned up at my flat for a visit, barged in without knocking, and found me having sex with both of my girlfriends. The vicious religious lecture that followed would have stripped the tramp stamp off a whore. She then rampaged through our bedroom and binned all our sex toys. FML

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By OopsKid - France

Today, I accidentally said, "Yes, Sir." to my female teacher. I then apologized by saying, "Sorry, Sir." FML

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By sociallyawkward - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

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By LTJFP - United States

Today, I was at ATandT getting my phone fixed. At one point, the salesman said 'you should see this'. It was a text message from some girl apologizing for sleeping with my boyfriend for the past four months, and telling me that they were moving him out of our apartment. FML

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By broooooock - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

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By joecool3426 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML

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By oh god why

Precision flinging

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

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By Creep - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Panora

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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By Anonymous

Smash the Patriarchy!

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that yes, girls do get armpit hair, we just have to shave it. FML

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By lxygrl - United States - Phenix City

Today, I was told I have kidney stones, kidney infections, and a bladder infection and that I have to get admitted into the hospital. I let my boss know, and she replied, "But you're still coming in for your shift tonight, right?" FML

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By roomie487 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

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By toothache - United States

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

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By Beaky - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

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By gotnogame - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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By FUKDOUG - Canada

Today, I was trying to finish an english assignment and I was not sure how to complete it. So I emailed my teacher asking and she said flip over the assignment handout page for instructions. FML

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By pissed girlfriend - United States - Celina

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

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By poorgirl - United States

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

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By notafatlump

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

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By floggingnasty - United States

Today, I got a new roommate in the dorms. When I got back to my room, I could smell her feet before I even opened my door. FML

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By Bobby ray slice - United States

Today, I went into a public bathroom and walked in on a guy checking his butt out in the mirror to see if he'd wiped properly. FML

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By nail714 - United States

Today, while at football practice, my teammates and I were on water break. At the bus barn next to the field, a good-looking girl was washing a bus. Some of the guys started to yell pick-up lines at her from 50 yards away, and pretty soon I chime in. She turns around. It was my younger sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 23:00

They'll have anyone these days

Today, I asked my 18 year-old daughter to buy half a dozen donuts. When she brought them over, I opened the box and discovered the dozen donuts were all cut in half. She just got accepted into a prestigious private university. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

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By RP Havens - United States - Galloway

Today, my grandmother called me to tell me that there will be a nice, single guy for me to meet at the family reunion. She went on and on about how perfect he was for me. I didn't have the heart to tell her I'm a lesbian, and have been out to the rest of the family for over six years. FML

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By hungry - Canada - Halifax

Parenting gone feral

Today, as I searched for food to take to work for lunch, I noticed that the only recent addition to our fridge is chocolate milk and popsicles. My mom went grocery shopping yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 02:01

Eco-friendly

Today, my colleague heated 1,5 liters of water, waited visibly impatient the several minutes it took to boil, made himself one cup of tea, then poured the rest down the drain. Maximum amount of time and energy wasted in one go? Check. FML

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By unknown - France

Today, my girlfriend and I were in my basement. I play drums and guitar very well. My girlfriend bet me $50 that she could play better than me. I made the bet, but what I didn't know was that she had been taking both drum and guitar lessons since she was 5. I just lost $50. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

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By weaknesspersonified - Austria

Today, I felt sad, useless and like I could never achieve anything. To cheer myself up, I wanted to smell some essential orange oil. I couldn't open the bottle. FML

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By astroloser - Philippines

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

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By SeeingLlamas - United States - Knoxville

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

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By redriver - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

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By phantom-yamato

Germ warfare

Today, I accidentally scanned a customer’s item twice. Before I could take it off, she quickly leaned over the counter and coughed on me. Repeatedly. FML

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By robinhoood - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

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By CatLady - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

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Top comments

By MichaelT17 | 9

#5505900 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:40

Thug life

By grahambertus | 11

#5505903 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:41

You just need to embody the spirit of the redneck. The inner hick wants to be free.

COMMENTS

By MichaelT17 | 9

#5505900 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:40

Thug life

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5505977 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:03

He didn't CHOOSE the thug life...

...the thug life chose him.

Reply

TrueTriage | 16

#5505986 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:07

I never chose the redneck life. My uncle handed me a beer turned on Lynyrd Skynyrd and it was down hill from there. On his tractor

Reply

chabelo | 10

#5506198 - Saturday 25 May 2013 11:32

looks like someone took the song "she cranks my tractor " too serious

Reply

jonathan_kraft | 14

#5506665 - Saturday 25 May 2013 19:49

Just a great american

By grahambertus | 11

#5505903 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:41

You just need to embody the spirit of the redneck. The inner hick wants to be free.

Reply

MichaelT17 | 9

#5505906 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:42

Lol

Reply

chinagirl3343 | 8

#5505914 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:43

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#5505982 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:05

You can be both.

Reply

apache316 | 6

#5506054 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:53

I read this in Morgan Freeman's voice

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#5506088 - Saturday 25 May 2013 7:32

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside no matter where you from you just can't hide it, when the band starts bangin and the fiddle saws you can't help but hollerin, yee haw!

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#5506105 - Saturday 25 May 2013 7:52

Tittysprinkles

By True_NonBeliever | 6

#5505913 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:43

"Say it loud! I'm a redneck and I'm PROUD!" Embrace it OP :)

Reply

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5505963 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:58

I'm not a redneck, though. Honestly, I'm hella ghetto.

By cwells0430 | 12

#5505917 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:44

Cue banjo music please Jethro

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5505922 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:45

America! Fuck yeah!

Reply

nortwdschick | 24

#5505927 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

I believe it's "Murica, fuck yeah!" ;)

Reply

ekb777 | 13

#5506032 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:34

Or as Tim McGraw would say, "Truck Yeah!"

By JustAReaderZZZZ | 8

#5505928 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

At least he didn't drive the tractor into your house.

By nattynatters | 14

#5505932 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

Just enjoy it! Sometimes it's fun to be the loud people on the block.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5506197 - Saturday 25 May 2013 11:32

Yeah, tractors are cool! Especially John Deere tractors.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5506369 - Saturday 25 May 2013 15:17

So if they're in the suburbs, then..

"You can take a ride on my big green.. riding lawn mower…"

By nortwdschick | 24

#5505936 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:47

Don't be ashamed! U should embrace the redneck life :)

By KayleeT | 9

#5505937 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:47

Haters gonna hate. Lol just kidding, I'd probably be pretty annoyed too. I feel your pain, OP.

By Jemm_fml | 29

#5505939 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:48

Redneck family moves to the suburbs? Where's that banjo player when you need him?

Reply

AngrySailor | 17

#5506410 - Saturday 25 May 2013 16:17

He's chillin' by the C-ment pond.