Miscellaneous: Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one... - FML

By unwilling redneck - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

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Commando

Stir crazy, part 16

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you". He broke up with me on speaker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

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By Gen - France

Today, I found the password to my boyfriend's MSN account. I was listed in the "booty call" category. FML

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By TimeForAHairCut - United States - Eugene

Today, I was napping when my little brother cut off huge chunks of my hair. He thought it would turn me into the older brother he always wanted. He's 8. FML

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By polish_chik - Canada

Today, I saw a poor helpless cat in the middle of the road while driving. I pulled over and scooped it in my arms to bring it to safety. Not only did I get mauled and scratched by the cat, my car also wasn't put in park and rolled away hitting a parked car. FML

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By prisym

Today, I found the $3,200 engagement ring I dropped in my yard. I ran over it with my lawnmower. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By paula434 - United States

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 13:59

I Want the One I Can't Have

Today, I found out that the very attractive guy who lives in the house behind mine is working from home. I know this because he waved after catching my performance of singing along to a Smiths song into my hairbrush in front of the mirror, dancing around like a five-year-old. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Secret sex

Today, I had a dream that I had secret sex with Dumbledore more than once. FML

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By Anonymous

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked construction building a hotel. I was taking out the trash when I suddenly felt an extreme urge to poop. I ran into one of the rooms and found an empty cardboard box to poop into. Finished, I closed the box and made my way to the door. I then saw my boss staring at me from the closet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I started my new job as a cashier for a drugstore. As I scanned some children's medicine for a family, I gave the girl a tissue because her nose was running. Later, my boss sat me down and told me there had been a complaint about a "female pedo-employee". I'm the only woman working there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By iusedprotectionanyway - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseburg

Today, I went camping with my family. While I was using the shower house, my sister decided it'd be hilarious to run off with my clothes and towel. I ran back to the camper, completely naked, only for my parents to bitch me out for streaking. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to: "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

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By mydadforgetsme - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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By apparently_disabled - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I laughed about a fold in my girlfriend's jeans that felt like she had a tiny boner. She started crying. Turns out she has a slight deformity. Oops. Explains why we've been taking it so slow. FML

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By skjjj - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By not a boy toy

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 03:30

Superanty Man

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was to give a presentation to several of my company's senior employees. The moment I stood up, I accidentally let rip a monstrous fart that lasted a good two or three seconds. When I tried to utter an apology, I clammed up and let out a whiny grunt. They were not amused. FML

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By fffmmll - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

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By seablue - United States

Today, I wrote a poem for this guy I am falling for. Before telling him that I wrote it, he read it and then laughed at how "corny and stupid" it was because he would "never date someone who could come up with something that lame." The poem was about how vulnerable he makes me feel. FML

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By brokenrelicslost - United States

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

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By ImNotFat - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

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By veggiepower11028

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By Kilimanjaro - France

This is war!

Today, the war against the pigeons on my veranda reached a new level. To try and get them to clear off, I gave my window pane a short, sharp knock. It broke into several shards, and not one of the totally oblivious birds moved. Pigeons 1, Me 0. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By phantomdriver - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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Top comments

By MichaelT17 | 9

#5505900 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:40

Thug life

By grahambertus | 11

#5505903 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:41

You just need to embody the spirit of the redneck. The inner hick wants to be free.

COMMENTS

By MichaelT17 | 9

#5505900 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:40

Thug life

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5505977 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:03

He didn't CHOOSE the thug life...

...the thug life chose him.

Reply

TrueTriage | 16

#5505986 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:07

I never chose the redneck life. My uncle handed me a beer turned on Lynyrd Skynyrd and it was down hill from there. On his tractor

Reply

chabelo | 10

#5506198 - Saturday 25 May 2013 11:32

looks like someone took the song "she cranks my tractor " too serious

Reply

jonathan_kraft | 14

#5506665 - Saturday 25 May 2013 19:49

Just a great american

By grahambertus | 11

#5505903 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:41

You just need to embody the spirit of the redneck. The inner hick wants to be free.

Reply

MichaelT17 | 9

#5505906 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:42

Lol

Reply

chinagirl3343 | 8

#5505914 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:43

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#5505982 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:05

You can be both.

Reply

apache316 | 6

#5506054 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:53

I read this in Morgan Freeman's voice

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#5506088 - Saturday 25 May 2013 7:32

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside no matter where you from you just can't hide it, when the band starts bangin and the fiddle saws you can't help but hollerin, yee haw!

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#5506105 - Saturday 25 May 2013 7:52

Tittysprinkles

By True_NonBeliever | 6

#5505913 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:43

"Say it loud! I'm a redneck and I'm PROUD!" Embrace it OP :)

Reply

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5505963 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:58

I'm not a redneck, though. Honestly, I'm hella ghetto.

By cwells0430 | 12

#5505917 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:44

Cue banjo music please Jethro

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5505922 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:45

America! Fuck yeah!

Reply

nortwdschick | 24

#5505927 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

I believe it's "Murica, fuck yeah!" ;)

Reply

ekb777 | 13

#5506032 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:34

Or as Tim McGraw would say, "Truck Yeah!"

By JustAReaderZZZZ | 8

#5505928 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

At least he didn't drive the tractor into your house.

By nattynatters | 14

#5505932 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

Just enjoy it! Sometimes it's fun to be the loud people on the block.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5506197 - Saturday 25 May 2013 11:32

Yeah, tractors are cool! Especially John Deere tractors.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5506369 - Saturday 25 May 2013 15:17

So if they're in the suburbs, then..

"You can take a ride on my big green.. riding lawn mower…"

By nortwdschick | 24

#5505936 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:47

Don't be ashamed! U should embrace the redneck life :)

By KayleeT | 9

#5505937 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:47

Haters gonna hate. Lol just kidding, I'd probably be pretty annoyed too. I feel your pain, OP.

By Jemm_fml | 29

#5505939 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:48

Redneck family moves to the suburbs? Where's that banjo player when you need him?

Reply

AngrySailor | 17

#5506410 - Saturday 25 May 2013 16:17

He's chillin' by the C-ment pond.