Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one... - FML

By unwilling redneck - 24/5/2013 22:48 - United States

Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML

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Ambien conversations are the worst

Mystery

Trip Advisor says no

By duhasiangirl - 15/11/2012 00:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

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By CatLady - 6/1/2014 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By overly nationalistic redneck - 19/10/2013 19:37 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

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By Ann - 18/3/2013 14:36 - United States

Works out well

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 04:28 - Canada

Today, on a plane I was showing my brother the life jackets kept under the seat. After pulling on what I thought was the lifejacket, I then realized that they were kept in the arm rest to my right and for the last five minutes I had been pulling on the foot of the man who was sitting behind me. FML

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By nomail - 26/5/2016 19:55 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I had just gotten a milkshake with some friends. We were about to drive past my ex's house, so I though it would be funny to throw the milkshake in his yard. Turns out, if you're going 50mph and try to throw a shake out the window, it comes right back at you. FML

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By Bad Mommy - 21/6/2012 05:40 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out from her teacher that my daughter in kindergarten gets the little boys in her class to play grown-ups with her. It's basically dry humping and groaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2014 21:54 - United States - Conway

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 06:01

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By NormalName - 19/8/2017 13:00

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 16:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition that makes me lactate. I'm a 6' tattooed guy with a boxing competition coming up soon. I'm never going to hear the end of this. FML

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By sparkle - 31/1/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

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By Thalassophobic - 21/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

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By iscreamforicecream - 1/6/2011 11:53 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 16:54 - Canada - Delta

Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML

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By effmylife - 6/9/2009 23:12 - Canada

Today, when I was finished eating at McDonalds, I went to Shoppers to pick up a new toothbrush. I got back to my car only to find the windows smashed in. The only thing that was missing from my car was the Hello Kitty toy I got from McDonalds. Someone broke into my car for a 10 cent toy. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 19:00

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 22:35 - Canada - Concord

Today, my son said his first complete sentence: "Mommy likes shit." Not only will he not stop saying it, I have no idea who taught him to say it in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2016 13:20 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 02:00

Today, after weeks of being hounded to go out on a date with this guy, I finally found the time and invited him over, fully intending to hook up. He stood me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 15:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years dumped me, because I'd changed too much for her to bear, and I was breaking her heart. How did I change? I got braces. FML

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By Angelthecat - 6/3/2020 00:01

Now listen here, you lot…

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

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By Clumsy - 4/8/2018 15:00

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

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By B-Ry - 25/11/2017 01:30

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2014 10:55 - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend told my four-year-old sister that "fatass" means "beautiful lady." I didn't know about this until I took my sister shopping with me. The woman at the till said she was adorable; my sister replied, "Thanks, fatass." FML

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By callie - 18/6/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 20:00

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partners 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I try the dress on and instantly the stitching rips and leaves two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

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By independence - 7/7/2011 04:04 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me because he wanted some independence. He moved back into his parents house. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2010 21:15 - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

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By anon - 30/8/2015 18:44 - United States

Today, while babysitting, I made the kids and myself peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When their parents came home, their dad took out the same container of peanut butter I had used and let their dog lick out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

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By Divorcemenow - 17/7/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

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By Caci Johnson - 15/10/2017 04:30

Today, I sat down at my computer for the first time in a week, and discovered that my cat threw up all over my keyboard. I needed to write up an important document but the chunks were stuck down in the keys, effectively locking it up and making it useless. FML

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By embarassed - 20/3/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I dragged my son along with me to a work party because I didn't want him home by himself. Halfway through, he stood up and made an announcement about my pregnancy. I had to explain to all my coworkers and my boss that I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat. FML

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By askprussia - 27/11/2015 02:32 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my brother was playing one of those old street fighter games. He suddenly asked me what "K.O." meant. I told him it meant "Knocked Out," but he started getting mad at me because "'knocked' isn't spelled with a 'k'". He's 17. FML

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By GLX - 14/6/2017 17:00 - United States - Sand Springs

Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 01:34 - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

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Top comments

By MichaelT17 | 9

#5505900 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:40

Thug life

By grahambertus | 11

#5505903 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:41

You just need to embody the spirit of the redneck. The inner hick wants to be free.

COMMENTS

By MichaelT17 | 9

#5505900 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:40

Thug life

Reply

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5505977 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:03

He didn't CHOOSE the thug life...

...the thug life chose him.

Reply

TrueTriage | 16

#5505986 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:07

I never chose the redneck life. My uncle handed me a beer turned on Lynyrd Skynyrd and it was down hill from there. On his tractor

Reply

chabelo | 10

#5506198 - Saturday 25 May 2013 11:32

looks like someone took the song "she cranks my tractor " too serious

Reply

jonathan_kraft | 14

#5506665 - Saturday 25 May 2013 19:49

Just a great american

By grahambertus | 11

#5505903 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:41

You just need to embody the spirit of the redneck. The inner hick wants to be free.

Reply

MichaelT17 | 9

#5505906 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:42

Lol

Reply

chinagirl3343 | 8

#5505914 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:43

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#5505982 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:05

You can be both.

Reply

apache316 | 6

#5506054 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:53

I read this in Morgan Freeman's voice

Reply

alstbv12 | 13

#5506088 - Saturday 25 May 2013 7:32

We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside no matter where you from you just can't hide it, when the band starts bangin and the fiddle saws you can't help but hollerin, yee haw!

Reply

grahambertus | 11

#5506105 - Saturday 25 May 2013 7:52

Tittysprinkles

By True_NonBeliever | 6

#5505913 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:43

"Say it loud! I'm a redneck and I'm PROUD!" Embrace it OP :)

Reply

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5505963 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:58

I'm not a redneck, though. Honestly, I'm hella ghetto.

By cwells0430 | 12

#5505917 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:44

Cue banjo music please Jethro

By HortonThelephant | 15

#5505922 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:45

America! Fuck yeah!

Reply

nortwdschick | 24

#5505927 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

I believe it's "Murica, fuck yeah!" ;)

Reply

ekb777 | 13

#5506032 - Saturday 25 May 2013 6:34

Or as Tim McGraw would say, "Truck Yeah!"

By JustAReaderZZZZ | 8

#5505928 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

At least he didn't drive the tractor into your house.

By nattynatters | 14

#5505932 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:46

Just enjoy it! Sometimes it's fun to be the loud people on the block.

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5506197 - Saturday 25 May 2013 11:32

Yeah, tractors are cool! Especially John Deere tractors.

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5506369 - Saturday 25 May 2013 15:17

So if they're in the suburbs, then..

"You can take a ride on my big green.. riding lawn mower…"

By nortwdschick | 24

#5505936 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:47

Don't be ashamed! U should embrace the redneck life :)

By KayleeT | 9

#5505937 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:47

Haters gonna hate. Lol just kidding, I'd probably be pretty annoyed too. I feel your pain, OP.

By Jemm_fml | 29

#5505939 - Saturday 25 May 2013 5:48

Redneck family moves to the suburbs? Where's that banjo player when you need him?

Reply

AngrySailor | 17

#5506410 - Saturday 25 May 2013 16:17

He's chillin' by the C-ment pond.