Kids: Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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Kids

Serious times

There's no helping some people

You sure it was your birthday?

By whytetrash - Australia - Newcastle

Today, my manager made me stay at work for an extra four hours, making me miss an urgent specialist appointment I'd scheduled months ago. Why? Because her neighbor's dog was having puppies, and she wanted to go home early and see them. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

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By dirtbikeguy - United States - Chicago

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 20:01

Grow up

Today, I was excited to go to a Japanese restaurant for my birthday. When the chef started doing tricks however, my spoiled brat of a sister started screaming and crying in terror. My parents insisted we leave and go to McDonald's because she was upset. She's 11. FML

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By Taylor parsons - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me. She only did it for 30 seconds, stopped, then said, "I'm not in the mood anymore." FML

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By wellhellothere - United States

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

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By Astounding competence - 3/11/2020 23:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

People are people

Today, my country is going back into a full national lockdown after the government swore they wouldn't do another one. We desperately need to stop the spread, but with so many U-turns and broken rules from the government, no one is going to listen. FML

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By O-|---<=~ - United States - Bellingham

Today, my otherwise lovely boyfriend of a month showed his true colors. He freaked out when he learned that I use tampons instead of pads. He yelled that using them is like cheating on him, because his penis is the only thing that should ever enter me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after dating for almost five years, my boyfriend stated that I have a "perfect and amazing personality" but that my looks are not what he "envisioned himself spending the rest of his life with." In other words, I'm ugly. FML

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By Faker - United States

Today, while shopping, an old man came up to me and told me I should be ashamed for walking around fake limping, and that it's horrible to mock people who actually limp from serious injuries. I wasn't faking, I was born without my right leg and I was getting used to my new prosthetic one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started some laundry late at night. Once my clothes were in the washer for about a half hour, I got bored and I decided I would listen to my iPod. After looking for it for another 15 minutes, I remembered where I'd left it; in my jacket... which is now nice and clean. FML

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By newdad - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

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By cndpost - Canada

Today, I sent my boyfriend a letter, turns out it was the wrong address. My panties are now somewhere in Canadian post. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

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By Anonymoose - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By Kev

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

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By broke - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after several months of eating right, exercising, and weight loss, my mother has yet again arrived at my house, unannounced and with a very sugary cake. She's been doing this most weeks since I lost 50 pounds. FML

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By stairmaster

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By Worried - Australia

Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML

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By ModernCindy - United Kingdom - Cleveleys

Today, I felt like Cinderella. No, I didn't lose a shoe in public. Nor did I dance with Prince Charming. But I did get a visit from tiny wild mice in my home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennewick

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

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By #MurrayShow

Today, my son was finally born. He was the perfect weight, as healthy as can be, and has his father’s dark, chocolate complexion. At least I’m guessing so, since both my wife and I are white. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a friend and I saw some deer outside my car. Since we were both leaving for college the next day we wanted to do something memorable so we decided to chase the deer. Turns out the deer wanted to chase us too. We ran for over five minutes screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Haslet

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

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By Sassers - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By graham

Very mean

Today, my first time meeting my girlfriend's dad ended with him chasing me from his house and trying to hit me with a baseball bat. FML

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By Anon - 19/10/2020 07:57 - United States

Feelings

Today, my parents told me, after 30 years of marriage, that they are getting a divorce. I went to my boyfriend's apartment because I needed some comfort. While sobbing to him, he decided to dump me on the spot because my reaction to the news was "immature" and he wants an "adult" relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

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By darthinvader - United States

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

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By ktm1313 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

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By don't get paid enough for this - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By person - United States

Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML

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By CanWeAllGetOne - United States - Houston

Today, I realized how amazing I've become at faking orgasms: I made up everything from the noises of my juices to pure, blissful climax over the phone to my husband. He came; I finished putting laundry away. FML

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By thornrose22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

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Top comments

By JBiz_fml | 0

#107241 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:03

That sucks.

And #1 you go to hell.

By hans12 | 0

#107467 - Monday 13 April 2009 14:25

um,kid hits you hard enough to leave a bruise = spanking.

COMMENTS

By onigiriqueen | 0

#107230 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:01

You gave that brat a flashlight? You dipsh*t, YDI!

rends | 0

#1096732 - Friday 16 July 2010 7:10

Grab the flashlight, shine it in his eyes then make a run for it

element115 | 0

#1713919 - Wednesday 17 November 2010 14:58

what could have possible gone though ur head to give that

By JBiz_fml | 0

#107241 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:03

That sucks.

And #1 you go to hell.

By mf_fml | 0

#107242 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:04

talk to 'em to calm them down... or at least pop a video in or something.

By onigiriqueen | 0

#107248 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:05

#2: The kid is pissed off, why would you give him a freaking weapon? Seriously!

By dz_zb | 0

#107259 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:13

not an FML.

By hk_fml | 9

#107269 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:17

Awwww ow.
How is it not an FML, the OP was really hurt and has a nasty bruise they have to wander around with and be questioned about

By tipple | 0

#107277 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:24

It's called a "temper tantrum" - there's a hint in the name...

By altna | 4

#107292 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:37

This has to be one of the most boring ones. How these even pass? I could write 10 "FML"s like this from my life every friggin' day.

By fish1806 | 0

#107329 - Monday 13 April 2009 11:10

that sucks.
#8 why dont you post one here? or are you talking blabla?!

By survivalism | 0

#107333 - Monday 13 April 2009 11:14

Yeah, usually when I'm around a person in a fit of anger, I like to hand them blunt objects and expose my face. "There's no way anything could go wrong in this situation," I say.