Kids: Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed...

By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML

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Kids

Buzzing the tower

Gas giant

Mr Sensitivity

By IndieRox - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

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By cathugger

Today, while hurrying by bike to an appointment, my chain broke. I quickly got off the road and managed to fix it on the sidewalk, covering my hands in black smear. Dirty but confident about my repair skills, I got up. A second later, felt something warm running down my neck. Bird poop. FML

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By eww657 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By planking champion - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

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By ReComatosed242 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By Anonymous

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By poked - United States

Today, my father who left my family over 10 years ago and never contacted us or paid child support, poked me on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

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By brokeandsad - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight about a clogged toilet. He was yelling about not having enough money to buy a better plunger and so I stormed out to buy one myself. While pulling his truck into traffic, a car hit me causing $1000 in damage. FML

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By Dalistair - United States - High Point

Today, my aunt drove to my house and screamed at me for skateboarding in her driveway and denting her car. She then ransacked my room for said skateboard so she could break it in half. My aunt lives 4 hours away. I don't own a skateboard. FML

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By Tanner_6969

Unreasonable

Today, my boss told me I can't use the computer for entertainment. This coming from the same person who spends hours at a time every day on Facebook and other similar websites. I'm also not allowed to sit down while using the computer, which I use about half of the day. FML

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By Kikinovak - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

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By stickyface - Canada

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

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By Matthew

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

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By Failsafe - United States - Newark

Today, I worked up the courage to ask out the girl I liked. I got her a nice bracelet for her birthday and asked her on a date when I gave it to her. "Aww, you're so sweet!" was the response to the gift. Her response to the date proposal? "Wait, you aren't gay?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

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By AwesomePGnarles - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about the history of the Transformers than I do about talking to women. FML

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By wwasmer - United States

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

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By ohsugarxo - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

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By dog_day - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

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By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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By canadiankc - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML

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By Anonymous

Boom, headshot!

Today, my boyfriend headbutted me during sex. This wouldn't be so bad if it was the first time. FML

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By doomed - New Zealand

Today, the girl I am in love with invited me to stay with her in Europe for 2 weeks, she is even paying for the flights and accommodation. It's because I am such a special friend to her and she wants me to come up to meet her fiancé before she gets married. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

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By Ace - Canada - Toronto

Today, my brother tried to give my dog a walk by attaching an RC helicopter to the leash and following him while flying it. He broke the RC helicopter which cost 300 dollars, and we had to search for the dog for 3 hours. FML

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By Reggie - 28/10/2020 13:58 - United States - Tahlequah

Masterchef 2020

Today, I went to make chilli and instead of just using 3 cups of water like the recipe called for, I ended up using 3 quarts somehow. Now I have a pot of hot and spicy meat water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML

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By CakeForBreakfast

Boomers

Today, I asked my father if I could have my grandfather's old vinyls, record player and vintage tube radio. He told me he threw those out years ago because, "Who listens to that crap anymore, now that we have mp3s?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, some homeless person came up to the window and started doing a voice-over. FML

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By Classicmen - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling unusually self-confident, so I decided to skip putting on makeup for the day. On my way to class, I passed some guys selling towels. One of them jeered, "Wanna be prettier? Buy a towel, and throw it over your face!" There goes my self-confidence. FML

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By wet - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

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By useyourownbed - United States - Byron

Today, my sister walked into my room, saying her boyfriend "forgot something." She then reached under my bed and pulled out a pair of boxers and a condom wrapper. Her response to my disgust was, "My bed was dirty." FML

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By Krazydude1000

My fingernail

Today, I found out that my old DVD player stopped reading my movie disks. I had the dumb idea to stick my finger in there to see what was the problem. I found the problem, and that was that my fingernail wasn't on my finger after that. FML

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By UnluckyJulie - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

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Top comments

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6699971 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:52

You say that as if "boob" is a swear word. I get that some people have different ideas of what is or isn't appropriate language, and I can admit that a kid saying that in certain contexts might be a little awkward, but come on...Is it really the worst thing he could be saying?

By Arashikage | 18

#6699962 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:28

Watching too much Drake and Josh

COMMENTS

By catlady4eva | 9

#6699954 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:16

Might wanna check who he's been around?

By Insertfabusernam | 12

#6699955 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:18

Maybe you can try asking him where he learned that, or maybe check who he's been around with these past few weeks or days. Or maybe he just saw it on TV.

hanrostre | 17

#6699959 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:26

Either way, it's creepy.

By hanrostre | 17

#6699961 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:27

And this, my friends, is how incest starts.

bushpigalois | 15

#6699963 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:29

Only you'd know

fmyinternet | 13

#6700068 - Friday 7 October 2016 16:31

OOOOOOHHHHHHH MOM GET THE CAMERA SICK BURN M890

Imma go jump off a bridge

By Arashikage | 18

#6699962 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:28

Watching too much Drake and Josh

By Moerighan | 23

#6699966 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:40

Boob is not a bad word for a toddler to know, my 3 year old says it all the time because she sees me feeding her brother, says I'm feeding him boobie

Nyattack | 14

#6700062 - Friday 7 October 2016 16:08

That's adorable

lantz4levi | 19

#6700064 - Friday 7 October 2016 16:10

Matter of opinion and maturity and for each individual parent to decide.

deathshead | 19

#6700164 - Friday 7 October 2016 21:11

#16 you took the words right out of my mouth...

I'm suing you for theft.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6699971 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:52

tmj25789 | 23

#6700027 - Friday 7 October 2016 13:48

I agree #8. I mean he is just a little guy. My nephews use to say boobs too. There is nothing wrong with it.

deathshead | 19

#6700165 - Friday 7 October 2016 21:13

could be a lot worse for sure, when I was young we got stuck in traffic so I yelled "It's the pedal on the right asshole" Yea...
guess which male parental unit got in big trouble for that...

By maharb01 | 17

#6700009 - Friday 7 October 2016 12:51

Sounds innocent, the toddler won't understand context and is probably just trying to understand their world. a friend of mine works at a day care and had a 3 year old try to kiss hers and then said "titties are for kissing" That's when you could be worried. . .

By sparkledoge | 29

#6700011 - Friday 7 October 2016 12:54

He's toddler so he probably just thought it was a funny thing to do. I'd honestly focus more on telling him why it's not right to kiss your sibling's chest than the fact he said "boob" though.

By stressedartist | 14

#6700016 - Friday 7 October 2016 13:03

It's America. Where didn't he learn that word?

By killmenowugh | 12

#6700026 - Friday 7 October 2016 13:47

Why not ask the one with the boobs? Your daughter? As a daughter, I complain about my boobs a ton. Probably the source?