Kids: Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed...

By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML

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Kids

Out of it

Modern Family

Yeah, fuck the poor

By Jules

Today, the first day of school, I threw up on my teacher in the middle of class. FML

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By cody4prez

Today, my dad told my mom to hurry up or they'd miss the start of their concert. She said "I'm coming, I'm coming..." and without thinking, I blurted "That's what she said." They're super religious, and I'm now grounded till January. FML

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By RedHatKat - United States - Burr Hill

Today, my dryer broke in the middle of drying my essential work clothes. This resulted in me wearing partially-dried pants to work today. As a nanny I have encountered diaper rashes before, just not on myself. FML

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By nasty_ex - Australia

Today, I finally found out who has been sending me hate letters, it's my husband's ex-wife. They've been divorced for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2021 00:30

Set phasers to stun

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because there was “something missing”, which was the lack of sex we had because she didn’t feel good about her body. Less than three hours after crushing my heart, she posted about how hard it will be to have a "hoe phase" during a pandemic. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marlboro

Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML

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By nemi - Norway

Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML

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By BUSTED. - United Kingdom - London

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

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By FidoForever

Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By nyatzz - United States

Today, my landlady cut off the Internet to my flat. She says she has no use for it, and doesn't want to keep it anymore. I have 3 online assignments due in the next week, and finals the following week. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 09:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Toxic masculinity

Today, it was one of those rare occasions I wore shorts. The first thing my male cousin said was, "Why so sexy?” Misogyny is why I don’t wear shorts. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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By ihatevideos - United States

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediately ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

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By Kelavmeister - United States

Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML

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By skippy_liz - United States

Today, I went to the library to pick up Romeo and Juliet, for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML

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By Dutchee - Netherlands

Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML

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By fuckkkkk - United States - San Francisco

Today, after getting my dream job and quitting old one, I was told my position is strictly "experimental" and will only last 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

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By BGood - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

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By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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By dumped - South Africa

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

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By Lifes_a_bust - United States

Today, my cat died. But, before he could bite the dust, he left a goodbye present on my bed: a decapitated baby rabbit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in front of about 75 people in the fanciest restaurant in town. She told me she was already engaged, while holding up her right hand. FML

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By dylanhollis - United States - San Antonio

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

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By Lennyr - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

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By sn-511 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

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By Hopelesslover - Malta

Today, I was trying to give my girlfriend an orgasm. While doing so she was lying on her back. I asked her: "How do you like that, baby?". She responded by asking where I bought the false ceiling and spotlights as she thought it would look good in her flat. She got bored instead of excited. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranston

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

You're back!

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

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By AvocadoPurse

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

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By Not-pregnant - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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Top comments

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6699971 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:52

You say that as if "boob" is a swear word. I get that some people have different ideas of what is or isn't appropriate language, and I can admit that a kid saying that in certain contexts might be a little awkward, but come on...Is it really the worst thing he could be saying?

By Arashikage | 18

#6699962 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:28

Watching too much Drake and Josh

COMMENTS

By catlady4eva | 9

#6699954 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:16

Might wanna check who he's been around?

By Insertfabusernam | 12

#6699955 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:18

Maybe you can try asking him where he learned that, or maybe check who he's been around with these past few weeks or days. Or maybe he just saw it on TV.

hanrostre | 17

#6699959 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:26

Either way, it's creepy.

By hanrostre | 17

#6699961 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:27

And this, my friends, is how incest starts.

bushpigalois | 15

#6699963 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:29

Only you'd know

fmyinternet | 13

#6700068 - Friday 7 October 2016 16:31

OOOOOOHHHHHHH MOM GET THE CAMERA SICK BURN M890

Imma go jump off a bridge

By Arashikage | 18

#6699962 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:28

Watching too much Drake and Josh

By Moerighan | 23

#6699966 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:40

Boob is not a bad word for a toddler to know, my 3 year old says it all the time because she sees me feeding her brother, says I'm feeding him boobie

Nyattack | 14

#6700062 - Friday 7 October 2016 16:08

That's adorable

lantz4levi | 19

#6700064 - Friday 7 October 2016 16:10

Matter of opinion and maturity and for each individual parent to decide.

deathshead | 19

#6700164 - Friday 7 October 2016 21:11

#16 you took the words right out of my mouth...

I'm suing you for theft.

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#6699971 - Friday 7 October 2016 10:52

tmj25789 | 23

#6700027 - Friday 7 October 2016 13:48

I agree #8. I mean he is just a little guy. My nephews use to say boobs too. There is nothing wrong with it.

deathshead | 19

#6700165 - Friday 7 October 2016 21:13

could be a lot worse for sure, when I was young we got stuck in traffic so I yelled "It's the pedal on the right asshole" Yea...
guess which male parental unit got in big trouble for that...

By maharb01 | 17

#6700009 - Friday 7 October 2016 12:51

Sounds innocent, the toddler won't understand context and is probably just trying to understand their world. a friend of mine works at a day care and had a 3 year old try to kiss hers and then said "titties are for kissing" That's when you could be worried. . .

By sparkledoge | 29

#6700011 - Friday 7 October 2016 12:54

He's toddler so he probably just thought it was a funny thing to do. I'd honestly focus more on telling him why it's not right to kiss your sibling's chest than the fact he said "boob" though.

By stressedartist | 14

#6700016 - Friday 7 October 2016 13:03

It's America. Where didn't he learn that word?

By killmenowugh | 12

#6700026 - Friday 7 October 2016 13:47

Why not ask the one with the boobs? Your daughter? As a daughter, I complain about my boobs a ton. Probably the source?