Kids: Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old... - FML

By KillahCam - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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Sorry…

Catch 22

The geyser

By Scarlett_Pixie - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By Somethingswrongwiththispic - United States

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

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By lollipopgreen - United States

Today, I walked into a gas station to get a bag of chips. Upon moving towards the counter to pay, I noticed the cashier had what looked like a golf ball stuffed in his cheek. I said to him in a joking manner, "That's a huge pinch of dip!" His reply, "It's mouth cancer." FML

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By KN - United States

Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML

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By astroloser - Philippines

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By anon - United States - Arverne

Today, I got pulled over by the cops for swerving a lot while driving. I tried to explain that my dog bit the back of my neck, but as soon as I opened my door to show him the bite marks and the dog, it ran out of the car. I still can't find him. FML

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By Knaxer - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML

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By Goblin Girl - United States - Katy

Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML

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By Manstobe92 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

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By monochrometea - United States

Today, the only thing my downstairs neighbor wanted to talk about with me is how she can hear us go to the bathroom. She also claims that she can tell which one of us is going, based on the noise level. FML

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By DogThermoeter

Today, I took my temperature since I've had a cold for a few days. After reading the display, I noticed the sheath had "Lily" written on it. Lily is our golden retriever. It was in her ass yesterday after she had a seizure. FML

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By Hreid254 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

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By Judy69 - United States - Dekalb

Today, things were getting heated between me and the guy I like, and we were about to have sex. I told him to turn the TV off so we can get started. His response? "But I like this show." FML

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By ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

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By bittersweet - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By nbj10 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

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By crap

Today, I was tired from an all-nighter I'd pulled because I thought I had the next four days off work. I got called in, and went because I have bills to pay. However, the amount of energy drinks I drank to stay on top of my job duties gave me such bad diarrhea, I had to go home. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I got really anxious thinking I was going to piss off the guy behind me by not moving off at a stop light fast enough. It got so bad that I had a panic attack right there in my car. FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By witt75 - United States

Today, I was overdrawn $15 at the bank. I paid in my last $80 in cash, only for them to inform me that I've been slapped with $90 in overdraft fees. FML

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By shamefaced - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

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By geeb - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

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By anyoi - United States - Rocklin

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML

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By newly passed, newly grassed - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

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By DrunkPeopleSuck

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

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By MrZach - United States

Today, I had a tooth pulled. An hour or so later, I removed the gauze from my mouth, because I thought the bleeding had stopped. I got on my laptop. A few minutes later I looked down, to see that I had drooled blood all over the keyboard, and didn't know because my mouth was numb. FML

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By drycleanplz - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend was saying how her "nano" died. I quickly responded by saying, "So? Recharge it." Turns out she didn't say "nano"; she'd said "nana." FML

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By Jamie - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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By hook me up with some smack, Jack - Australia - Perth

Today, I, along with two cops and another paramedic, had to fight to pin down some total scumsucker. He was high out of his mind on god knows what, in his underwear, screaming like a maniac outside someone else's house at 2 in the morning. I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit. FML

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By pickle

Ouch!

Today, I applied mascara directly onto my eyeball. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

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By lifesux - United States

Classic playa move

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

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By 504-A1 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was having phone sex with my boyfriend. Trying to be sexy, I told him what I was doing with my vibrator. I heard a loud bang, followed by him shouting, "Why don't you just fucking marry it, then?!" and then hanging up. FML

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By stuff2710 - United States

Today, my friend and I walked 3 miles to a Starbucks. We went inside, paid for our coffees and walked the 3 miles back to my house. We forgot to pick up our coffees. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

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By lct722 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

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By mommyfairy - United States

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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Top comments

By ur_lifeblows | 0

#799567 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:17

what a little weirdo...

By trevolution11 | 0

#799563 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:15

don't forget to wash them.

COMMENTS

By trevolution11 | 0

#799563 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:15

don't forget to wash them.

Reply

happyhak | 5

#923164 - Monday 8 March 2010 0:20

Wash them?! Forget washing them! Burn them ina fire! And if you can burn the little perv too! He has NO right to go through private things of yours, let alone steal them!

Reply

neddyy | 0

#983650 - Thursday 22 April 2010 15:10

Two thoughts:

1 Punch him in the face or tell his parents (either but not both)
2 The kid must have some serious boy boobs to be able to wear a bra so tease him about it.

Reply

underaegis | 0

#1288555 - Monday 23 August 2010 8:18

wash em?! the little perv probably mastubates to them

1 burn them
2 kill the kid
3 get a good fucking lawer

Reply

CEiiLEiiGH | 7

#5716335 - Monday 14 October 2013 22:36

Eww. I would tell him to keep them

Reply

MdMan2 | 23

#6309922 - Thursday 4 June 2015 3:04

I don't think she'll be wearing them anymore bro.

By ur_lifeblows | 0

#799567 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:17

what a little weirdo...

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3592454 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:55

Future transvestite?

By lexie206 | 0

#799569 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:19

ew! I'd burn those! I can't imagine what he did to them.. FYL OP :(

By OMGxChrisHansen | 0

#799574 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:17

I'm not sure if this is amazing..... I think so.. ya fyl.

Reply

DESTROYERS3 | 0

#799727 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:27

what does OP mean?

Reply

rishaa143 | 0

#799785 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:24

i was think to burn thm too lol

Reply

sebastianhs | 6

#799821 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:47

Original Poster

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#801493 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 5:57

Orangutang Pubes

;)

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#802833 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:30

teehee (:
#61, you are a genius!

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#804202 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:14

thanks very much
I also had Octopus Porn on the mind, but that's just gross 

Reply

Xppppppppppppp | 1

#806500 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:49

HaHa!!!! you are now my hero xD

Reply

NomNomCookies | 0

#1494138 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:35

Optimus Prime!!

By SweetestSin | 4

#799578 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:18

eeewwww Just tell the little perv to keep them and if you can install a lock on your bedroom door.

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#799584 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:22

What's wrong with your brother that this is his friend?

By Lawzen_Rainbow | 7

#799581 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:22

eww creepy wee perv. tell his parents?

By Luckster | 0

#799582 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:22

Disturbing is an understatement here.

By nodbor | 11

#799588 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:21

Nice

By signalarmywife | 0

#799598 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:25

Throw them away when you get them! Sick little kids!!

By anela_fml | 0

#799609 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:32

awe how sweet of him to return them so you can burn them