Kids: Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old... - FML

By KillahCam - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Judgmental

By flyingpuppy - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my husband has decided to grow a mullet. FML

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By StillTooYoung - United States - Louisville

Today, I was discussing with my husband how it was time I stopped taking birth control so we could have a baby. He looked at me and said sincerely, "We're a little young to be having kids, don't you think?". He's 35 and I'm 32. FML

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By prettybich - United States

Today, I am severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

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By avalanche719 - United States

Today, I went to pay my vehicle registration in person to avoid paying the $10.00 online service fee. After a long wait, I came out to find a $15.00 parking ticket on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Alg

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity. When he saw blood, he panicked and started crying, convinced that he was bleeding out. FML

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By ProAwkward - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

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By arse of fire :( - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

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By ewwww - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend met my parents for the first time. The first thing my mom said to my girlfriend was, "Honey, are you ok? You look like you got hives." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

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By ... - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

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By Snurkles - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2020 09:01 - Canada - Fredericton

Practical

Today, my 27-year-old boyfriend told me he hides our condoms in his Poké Ball. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

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By Lindy - 10/2/2021 03:58 - United Kingdom

Morning surprise

Today, when I woke up, I thought I’d be sexy by waking my girlfriend with oral sex. Still half asleep, she said, “Robert, stop it that tickles.” My name is Linda, we’re a lesbian couple who've never expressed interest in men, so who the fuck is Robert? FML

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By newestallen

MILs gonna MIL...

Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Moving day

Today, I told to my girlfriend of 5 years that I'm depressed about having no friends, no job and a difficult family life. I told her that she's the one constant that keeps me going. She decided this was a good time to break up with me to "find" herself, since I was being so mopey. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines have been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

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By Mars - United States

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

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By JayBausch - United States

Today, I went to retrieve my sneakers that my wife made me leave outside the door of our hotel room. Somebody had shat in one of them. FML

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By dadsadipshit - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

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By Person - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She wants to try dating women. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By InDisbelief - United States - Racine

Today, my girlfriend's parents were out of town, so I stayed the night, hoping for some fun. Somehow, we started talking about conspiracy theories, and she spent the next half hour ranting at me about how Osama bin Laden is really still alive. FML

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By AH - United States

Today, I told my parents that all I wanted for my 18th birthday was to go to a restaurant in NYC for a nice dinner. My parents denied me saying that it would cost too much money. I come home today to see my parents had bought a huge plasma screen TV for $800. We already have 3 tv's. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers thought I had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

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By CassieMarieee - United States

Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML

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By Sock_Muppet

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

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By Jenn P - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

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By probablydeadbymidnight - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

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By religiunatic - Canada - Keswick

Today, my normally very modest and prissy mom came home, pissed off about something. I asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't say, and snapped at me to "fuck off". She then grounded me for "making" her use that kind of "vile language". FML

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By Anonymous

Lonely, so lonely…

Today, to get my mind off being single, I texted some friends. The first one was going out tonight to work things out with her ex, the second told me about his amazing new girlfriend, and the third replied an hour later with, "Sorry, I was having sex when you texted me." FML

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By Michelle - 19/12/2020 08:01

Since when has that been there?

Today, I thought something was wrong with my car battery because my dashboard lights were really low. I paid $77 to find out the dimmer switch was turned down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By Anonymous

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I applied for a new job as a maintenance technician. About 10 minutes after submitting my resume, I received a rejection letter. My girlfriend is their HR person. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Beat It

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

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Top comments

By ur_lifeblows | 0

#799567 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:17

what a little weirdo...

By trevolution11 | 0

#799563 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:15

don't forget to wash them.

COMMENTS

By trevolution11 | 0

#799563 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:15

don't forget to wash them.

Reply

happyhak | 5

#923164 - Monday 8 March 2010 0:20

Wash them?! Forget washing them! Burn them ina fire! And if you can burn the little perv too! He has NO right to go through private things of yours, let alone steal them!

Reply

neddyy | 0

#983650 - Thursday 22 April 2010 15:10

Two thoughts:

1 Punch him in the face or tell his parents (either but not both)
2 The kid must have some serious boy boobs to be able to wear a bra so tease him about it.

Reply

underaegis | 0

#1288555 - Monday 23 August 2010 8:18

wash em?! the little perv probably mastubates to them

1 burn them
2 kill the kid
3 get a good fucking lawer

Reply

CEiiLEiiGH | 7

#5716335 - Monday 14 October 2013 22:36

Eww. I would tell him to keep them

Reply

MdMan2 | 23

#6309922 - Thursday 4 June 2015 3:04

I don't think she'll be wearing them anymore bro.

By ur_lifeblows | 0

#799567 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:17

what a little weirdo...

Reply

m0tl3ycru3 | 0

#3592454 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:55

Future transvestite?

By lexie206 | 0

#799569 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:19

ew! I'd burn those! I can't imagine what he did to them.. FYL OP :(

By OMGxChrisHansen | 0

#799574 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:17

I'm not sure if this is amazing..... I think so.. ya fyl.

Reply

DESTROYERS3 | 0

#799727 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:27

what does OP mean?

Reply

rishaa143 | 0

#799785 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:24

i was think to burn thm too lol

Reply

sebastianhs | 6

#799821 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:47

Original Poster

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#801493 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 5:57

Orangutang Pubes

;)

Reply

quietlytearful | 0

#802833 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 21:30

teehee (:
#61, you are a genius!

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#804202 - Thursday 28 January 2010 7:14

thanks very much
I also had Octopus Porn on the mind, but that's just gross 

Reply

Xppppppppppppp | 1

#806500 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:49

HaHa!!!! you are now my hero xD

Reply

NomNomCookies | 0

#1494138 - Monday 4 October 2010 2:35

Optimus Prime!!

By SweetestSin | 4

#799578 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:18

eeewwww Just tell the little perv to keep them and if you can install a lock on your bedroom door.

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#799584 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:22

What's wrong with your brother that this is his friend?

By Lawzen_Rainbow | 7

#799581 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:22

eww creepy wee perv. tell his parents?

By Luckster | 0

#799582 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:22

Disturbing is an understatement here.

By nodbor | 11

#799588 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:21

Nice

By signalarmywife | 0

#799598 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:25

Throw them away when you get them! Sick little kids!!

By anela_fml | 0

#799609 - Tuesday 26 January 2010 9:32

awe how sweet of him to return them so you can burn them