Miscellaneous: Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought... - FML

By jlol - 05/03/2015 14:32 - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 930

You deserved it 47 603

The smell detective is on the case

Another great day to be alive

Our house, in the middle of our street

By katiebabby - 17/06/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 598

You deserved it 4 880

Dirty mind

By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Porter

Spicy

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 520

You deserved it 4 666

By HomicidalPegasus - 25/05/2014 15:50 - United States - Bethalto

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 213

You deserved it 36 189

By goodbye cruel world - 23/02/2014 19:00 - United States - Salisbury

Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 389

You deserved it 41 745

By squeltorey - 03/08/2012 19:28 - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 752

You deserved it 11 118

By Anonymous - 10/02/2019 02:00

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 697

You deserved it 278

By jaydiv - 22/11/2009 09:15 - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 555

You deserved it 36 342

By Anonymous - 04/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 914

You deserved it 5 848

By MJensen - 10/05/2016 21:57 - Denmark - Herlev

Today, I wanted to be nice to my boyfriend and buy him a cake. Not only did I drop it in the bus, when I got home I forgot that I'd put it on my bed, and sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 929

You deserved it 4 222

By Anonymous - 19/06/2014 08:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 325

You deserved it 6 607

By K - 16/02/2011 02:40 - United States

Today, I got a second notice from the mailman that my mail would not be delivered because of the pile of ice a plow had pushed in front of my mailbox. After getting the first notice, I'd spent an hour in the cold busting up the ice with a pick to clear a path. He put both notices in my mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 467

You deserved it 2 807

By iamnotuseless - 10/12/2010 11:37

Today, I went to my local pharmacy. Walking in, the security guard rudely asked me what I was going to buy. I brushed him off and walked in. I was paying and told the cashier what happened. She said "Sorry, we get a lot of hobos, they tend to steal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 804

You deserved it 5 103

By lonely - 01/08/2010 04:10 - United States

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 686

You deserved it 4 037

By right - 02/08/2013 14:08 - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Spicy

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 499

You deserved it 8 194

Net!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 061

You deserved it 2 808

By G-6 - 07/01/2011 11:24

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 049

You deserved it 30 453

By Anonymous - 08/06/2015 23:13 - Ireland - Dublin

Spicy

Today, I went to the living room where my mother was so I could ask her about something. I found her lying pantsless on the couch trying to cut her pubic hair with a pair of scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 077

You deserved it 2 104

By GeneralElement - 19/02/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 843

You deserved it 3 628

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 22:50 - France

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 010

You deserved it 3 652

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 05:23 - France

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend has big fake boobs, but gets offended when I tell her how much I like them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 437

You deserved it 6 340

By Anonymous - 12/02/2010 07:51 - Canada

Today, my very drunk mother decided to run down the block naked, screaming at the top of her lungs, "She's trying to kill me" as I followed behind her in my car, yelling for her to get in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 049

You deserved it 2 715

By unforgettablee - 29/04/2013 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Spicy

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 622

You deserved it 13 003

By KMO - 26/02/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, I decided to take a peek in my fiancé's vow book to see how far he's got. The only thing in there was the lyrics to a song from the movie Shrek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 074

You deserved it 28 441

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 10:06 - Finland

Spicy

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 762

You deserved it 8 226

By Anonymous - 07/06/2016 07:45

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom and proudly showed me how far back he could stand from the toilet while he peed. Unfortunately, he got distracted and peed all over the floor I had mopped just an hour before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 836

You deserved it 1 216

By nocat6 - 15/09/2014 03:07 - United States - Northville

Today, I caught a customer using his fat to shoplift gum out of a store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 089

You deserved it 3 053

By _RobotInDisguise - 09/12/2009 23:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 722

You deserved it 2 936

By thxmom - 04/01/2015 17:25 - United States - West Jordan

Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 674

You deserved it 2 518

By Stiny - 01/06/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 246

You deserved it 15 619

By Anonymous - 25/02/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, I was driving with my mom. She had some soda with her from earlier, and even though it was probably warm, I was thirsty. I ask for a sip, she hands it to me and says sure. And I get a mouthful of ash-and-cigarette-butt-filled soda. Apparently she didn't feel the need to mention this to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 974

You deserved it 3 657

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, due to the cold, windy weather, I decided to wear my brand-new cute (and expensive) jacket that has a faux-fur hood. As I walked down the street, numerous PETA members attacked me with red liquid. I'm a Vegan and an animal-rights activist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 828

You deserved it 24 948

By Anonymous - 26/04/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 413

You deserved it 386

By bonedregardless - 15/09/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 546

You deserved it 2 418

Scruffy 'erbert

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 00:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 044

You deserved it 115

By Failed Artist - 30/08/2015 04:49 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my family was cleaning out our basement when I noticed an empty wall. I asked my grandma if I could put a picture up. She replied, "I don't want your ugly drawings on the wall". I wasn't talking about my drawings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 896

You deserved it 1 720

The old bait and switch

By Duped - 27/08/2021 14:01

Today, I bought a Playstation 5 on OfferUp. Upon taking the PS5 home, I opened the box and in its place were some dirty old shoes. The seller had also erased all her info from her OfferUp account and replies an obviously fake, "Automatic: The user is no longer available" message when I try to reach her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 986

By I don't know, son - 16/11/2013 01:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 762

You deserved it 4 763

Just say no

By Dan - 20/10/2021 02:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 299

You deserved it 833

By Lebac - 14/04/2015 08:33 - United States - Burlington

Spicy

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 654

You deserved it 4 052

Not a sheep, just taking their medication

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that my mom was one those people who willingly takes random doses of livestock dewormer to "fight Covid" instead of getting vaccinated, when she called me from the hospital after poisoning herself with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 95

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Top comments

EverestMelting 23

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:48

That's a great way to open an investigation on your household. Good job OP.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:49

Oh you totally deserve this. But nice to know your school reacts and questions you right away.

Comments

Thursday 5 March 2015 17:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

ProfessorMctitie 20

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Thursday 5 March 2015 18:15

i wouldnt of

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Thursday 5 March 2015 18:57

I wouldn't have.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

ProfessorMctitie 20

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:15

none of your bee's wack #41!

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:27

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

originaljosh 11

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:28

#50 it went right over your head just forget about it

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:29

I know right? Because domestic violence and making a joke that could land someone in huge ass trouble is so harmlessly hilarious... mannn aren't those sorta jokes a hoot?!

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:32

who cares I'm number one! keep bitching it makes me feel good about myself

EverestMelting 23

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:48

That's a great way to open an investigation on your household. Good job OP.

Adeptus_Astartes 22

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:57

Yeah, how dense can you get OP? You know how paranoid and protective our society has become. I feel bad for your parents who now have to put up with an investigation because of their idiot child.

siggy_mcsigx 22

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:41

Yep, and he's surprised they didn't think it was a joke. School admins should never assume such a statement is a joke.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:49

Oh you totally deserve this. But nice to know your school reacts and questions you right away.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:50

You're that idiot who talks about bombs in the airport. I feel sorry for your parents.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 18:08

Ditto

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Thursday 5 March 2015 18:42

Yea he's a smart one alright..as serious as our society takes things like that these days it's no wonder your teacher reported it.

JazzHandsFML 28

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Thursday 5 March 2015 20:07

*gets pulled over* just don't take my weed officer! yeah that guy

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:51

You better watch out 'cause your dad might be coming for you after that stunt lol.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:52

Serves you right

singafairytale 11

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:53

Why on earth would you think that's funny? I can think of so many reasons why it's not. The main one being because those children who ARE abused finally get the courage to tell someone and because of kids like you, no one believes them and thinks they're joking. You're an ass and YDI.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:56

You have to be careful with your jokes OP, they can either hit or miss.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 18:41

Jokes about domestic abuse are always a total miss.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:45

My apologies.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 19:48

people are sensitive

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:57

That's something you do with your friends, not a teacher who's legally obligated to report anything s/he thinks is suspicious.

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Thursday 5 March 2015 17:58

Don't see how this would be a good idea anyways as you probably made your teacher feel uncomfortable and they have to report things like this. YDI

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 749

You deserved it 97

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 190

You deserved it 287