Health: Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not...

By wtbfiber - 05/03/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 141

You deserved it 6 299

Health

Stop talking!

Commando

Vulture

By maxmess - 21/06/2016 21:39

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 005

You deserved it 1 105

By SuddenlyDogless - 22/02/2017 13:00 - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 037

You deserved it 844

By sad - 25/10/2011 10:15 - Reserved

Today, my parents got rid of our detachable shower head. Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 084

You deserved it 36 472

TMI

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 21:59 - United States - Crystal City

Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 84

By bit - 30/07/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 468

You deserved it 64 297

By lovely - 19/12/2011 06:43 - Netherlands

Today, while having sex, my girlfriend suddenly broke down and started crying. Apparently, when I'm horny, my face reminds her of her dead dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 418

You deserved it 4 562

By toosmall - 31/01/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 543

You deserved it 2 577

By Anonymous - 29/03/2015 19:54 - United States - Wheaton

Today, my girlfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I gave her a call. No reply. I texted her, and got a text back saying: "Sorry, dude. Better luck next time!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 115

You deserved it 2 513

By babymomma - 14/09/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 989

You deserved it 5 631

By MisterT - 19/05/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 473

You deserved it 7 234

By willywonks - 21/03/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 164 842

You deserved it 8 273

By waltzy777 - 26/04/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, i had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. right when i finished, i ran out of gas. My 83 year old grandmother saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 588

You deserved it 82 927

By socksoffire - 17/03/2010 15:22 - United States

Today, I did my laundry. When I took it out, everything was clean, including the mouse that had been hiding in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 045

You deserved it 4 818

By OUCH. - 17/11/2011 21:27 - United States

Today, I got my braces off. I also got my tongue pierced. Both by my orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 499

You deserved it 3 400

At will

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 17:02 - Poland - Polska

Today, I was fired for asking HR to move me to another department, due to my manager's unethical behaviour against me. The alternative was shut up and look for another job. Which I have to do now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 119

Rollin'

By Anonymous - 01/09/2016 03:40 - United States - San Jose

Today, I was driving home when a guy crashes into me from behind. I get out of my car and tell him that I'm going to call the cops. He then asks me if we can move to a corner because we're blocking the way, so then get back in to move. I look in the mirror to see him driving off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 878

You deserved it 4 670

Phished

By Anonymous - 28/04/2020 02:00

Today, I found out that I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love with a man who, as it turns out, doesn't actually exist. Thank you, the internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 627

Considering something?

By Alice - 16/08/2021 18:01

Today, as a single and ready to mingle mother, I was glad to be on a second date. All was going well, we started making out when he pulled away and said, "It's crazy that Casey Anthony got away with what she did." FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 74

By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - 10/12/2014 14:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 719

You deserved it 2 940

Sounds cosy

By haaaye - 22/10/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 473

You deserved it 247

By worst day of my life - 06/07/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 738

You deserved it 181

By Anonymous - 09/07/2014 20:49 - United States

Today, my road rage got so out of hand that I'm now actually inclined to honk obnoxiously at my computer when it's being slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 798

You deserved it 17 172

By Hello my name is - 22/02/2009 22:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went round to my Grandparents' to help set up their new Satellite TV. When I turned it on, for some reason it defaulted to "Arab Babes TV". I was therefore inadvertently responsible for the broadcast of porn in my Grandparents' living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 806

You deserved it 4 692

By :( - 06/06/2013 23:37 - United States

Today, at my new job at a funeral home, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't "lighten the hell up" while dealing with our grieving clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 821

You deserved it 4 732

Yeah, Mike

By considering murder - 25/03/2016 17:19 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I finally put the finishing touches to a huge project after 8 months of gruelling work. My boss had used the promise of a 5-figure bonus to motivate me. When I casually brought the bonus up later in the day, my boss just said, "Gratitude's its own reward, Mike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 917

You deserved it 1 771

By Miss<Younger>Beyoncé - 13/10/2014 08:13 - Namibia - Windhoek

Today, I was boxing up all my brother's old stuff to take to the attic. I came across a box, and without checking what was inside, I took it up, just to have it fall on my head, to then find out it was filled with dead baby hamsters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 769

You deserved it 3 908

By Shameonme - 26/10/2008 16:04 - Morocco

Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 558

You deserved it 61 040

By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 13:30

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 259

You deserved it 357

By helpless_soul - 29/08/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 014

You deserved it 50 422

By toe - 03/02/2015 03:14 - United States - Sullivan

Today, I stole my brother's fuzzy slippers for the day as I usually do. Too bad he had been anticipating this and had left a mouse trap in one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 559

You deserved it 44 960

By birdfoooo - 29/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, as I was leaving Wal-mart, a huge group of birds settled along the wire above the street. I thought it would be hilarious to scare them, so I stuck my head out the window and screamed. The birds responded by simultaneously shitting on my car in very neat rows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 006

You deserved it 55 027

By Is that..? - 17/07/2014 03:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I ran into a good friend at work. I work at a jail. She doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 840

You deserved it 4 841

By embarrassed - 19/12/2014 19:24 - United States

Today, I went to the dry-cleaner's and went to get my bag of laundry from my trunk, but I ended up dropping the bag. My dirty underwear blew around the parking lot. I had to chase it all down as a bunch of people looked on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 496

You deserved it 3 893

By Noname - 25/02/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 881

You deserved it 6 830

By Anonymous - 19/03/2014 10:34 - Australia - Greensborough

Today, I was sitting on a bench outside a supermarket waiting to be picked up, when a old lady walked out of the shop. She hadn't noticed me and sat on the bench beside me. She looked around and saw me, rolled her eyes, got up and moved to a different bench. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 542

You deserved it 3 824

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 661

You deserved it 3 561

The student becomes the master

By Anonymous - 28/04/2020 17:00

Today, I threatened my kids I’d turn off their WiFi unless they did their chores, so my eldest chimed in, "Please, we changed the WiFi password months ago in case you tried to threaten us like this," then turned off my WiFi, which I need to work from home. I had to beg a 12-year-old to let me work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 757

You deserved it 2 220

By Anonymous - 07/08/2012 20:13 - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 557

You deserved it 3 510

By Anonymous - 21/11/2014 00:43 - United States

Today, I dropped my trash into what I thought was a garbage can. My co-workers stared at me like I had just pissed myself. It was a toy collection box for children in foster care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 869

You deserved it 10 839

By facebook - 24/06/2010 10:09 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend "accidentally" set her relationship status to "single", and 20 of my friends "liked" it, including my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 943

You deserved it 4 965

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Top comments

saIty 17

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:05

ARRRRRHHHH!!!!!!! *Ploop*

CTVrhythmguitari 8

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:31

Dude. Fiber.

indielove 13

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:04

Insanity 2?

Jonkbaby 21

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:17

take a dump on your abs

n_epic_fail 14

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Monday 5 March 2012 14:02

You weren't taking a dump, you were making your daily offering to the porcelain throne.

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Monday 5 March 2012 17:46

OP the bathroom isn't the place to try and go super sayian.

isaiaha11 2

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Tuesday 6 March 2012 4:56

I pulled amuscle while bending to get a tissue

SnowFlakeInAK 7

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:05

Sounds like you need to see a doctor. That has to be painful!

iamyummylicious 14

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:17

Or more fiber in their diet. Salads are tasty, you know? Stool softener and laxatives can help as well :|

a1f0sff 25

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:21

Not only painful, it can cause little wounds and bleed. You should really be careful with that.

RadPenny 6

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:46

I think op's just dehydrated.

Osito2011 9

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Monday 5 March 2012 15:25

Op has to becareful...you can rupture something pushing to hard. Op needs to relax and let it flow.

Crystal55621 19

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Monday 5 March 2012 15:43

I'm pretty sure it doesn't flow without force.

coolboy675 16

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Monday 5 March 2012 17:49

What super saiyan number did op go to?

Daelda 6

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Tuesday 6 March 2012 15:12

Straining too much while taking a bowel movement has been known, in rare cases, to cause heart attacks. Go see your doctor. In the meantime, take some stool softeners, laxatives or eat more fiber.

saIty 17

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:05

ARRRRRHHHH!!!!!!! *Ploop*

Jonkbaby 21

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:29

are you impersonating a 56k modem?

MikeDa1Da 14

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:54

It's OP taking a shit

philipino 24

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Monday 5 March 2012 14:25

That sounds like a shi- (gets bitchslapped)

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Monday 5 March 2012 16:50

Last time, I screamed so much while taking a dump that I almost went super sayain.

01sparkly 15

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Saturday 9 February 2013 23:02

Wonder if OP's abs have come in yet

stolencookie 17

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:06

Careful there, pushing too hard can be bad for your systems.I hope you were just constipated and not just extremely weak and out of shape.

xFluttershy 7

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Monday 5 March 2012 18:07

"The poop that took a pee" By Butters Stotch

reenkaur 7

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:13

that sucks. constipated or something? fell better soon!

reenkaur 7

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:15

*feel :D

zombicidal 11

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Monday 5 March 2012 14:36

such an improvement from last time when you posted three times and used poor grammar in each. just for that I give you one upthumb

Azail 15

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Monday 5 March 2012 15:36

Wouldn't it be a thumbs up not an up thumb?

zombicidal 11

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Monday 5 March 2012 15:39

perhaps but I'm on Reddit a lot and I almost typed upvote

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Monday 5 March 2012 17:50

^ I think you should stop trying to be a Grammar Nazi.

marinus_fml 19

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:14

Maybe working out seems like a good idea anyway.

Dracoboxer357 35

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Monday 5 March 2012 14:39

^ Why not? Many pros, few cons to that advice. Whether or not it'll help OP out in This particular circumstance is anyone's guess though.... ;)

MerrikBarbarian 9

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Monday 5 March 2012 15:26

It should. Exercise helps peristaltic motion so stuff moves through you better... Exercise, fiber and more water would all be beneficial to op

ninjaboy18 6

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:14

There's blood in my stool. Oh ey de di de di de di de di de di de di :) -colin mochrie

Betz 10

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:29

You must feel pooped after all that hard work. ;)

Redoxx_fml 22

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Monday 5 March 2012 21:03

The Porcelain Throne was not impressed

CTVrhythmguitari 8

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:31

Dude. Fiber.

CryMoreFMLs 14

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Monday 5 March 2012 14:36

Make room for the brown brick!

KiddNYC1O 20

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Tuesday 6 March 2012 0:26

Good thing McDonald's introduced their oatmeal. That way we can "release their demons" with ease.

poindextrr 2

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Monday 5 March 2012 12:36

at least u get a workout without paying for a gym ? :)

Jenniie14 5

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Monday 5 March 2012 14:32

Wtf... not even funny

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 37

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 97

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 765

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