Miscellaneous: Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the...

By Stepmotherfucker - Ukraine

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

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Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Late term

Misheard

By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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25842

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

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22588

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

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38191

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By BillLumberg - United States

Today, I released a noxious, unforgiving fart in my cubicle not thinking anything of it. You know, one of those sulfurous clouds you get the morning after a few good beers. Moments later, my manager walks in to talk about work. It's 7:30 in the morning, no one else is around. FML

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10561

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By Zibby

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

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10447

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80543

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By Lika1712 - India - Mumbai

Today, while at the bakery, I stood there trying to pick between black forest and dark chocolate. The salesman said kindly, "I've heard dark chocolate helps you lose weight. Yeah, you'd definitely want dark chocolate." FML

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37842

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By Cyberella - Australia

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

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44131

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By JustADream - United States

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom and took a massive piss. Then I actually woke up, well and truly soaked. FML

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34476

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By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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17900

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By xxxkkxxx - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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48699

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By hobbit - United States - Winthrop

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure ahead of my cousin's wedding. The woman doing my nails asked if I wanted my toe hairs trimmed. I was so taken aback and embarrassed that I said yes. They charged me extra. FML

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By KenzoBVB - Canada

Today, I went to the orthodontist, and found out when I was supposed to get my braces off. His exact words, "You'll get them off around Christmas... but we're not sure what year." FML

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By aero00 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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28442

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By burnt38392 - United States

Today, as a means of getting over my abusive ex, I decided to write his name on a piece of paper and light it on fire. As I lit the paper up, I noticed the marker ink had bled through it. The paper is gone, but his name is forever engraved on my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32418

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By madeleine - 8/4/2021 05:00

Gummy

Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML

I agree, your life sucks

577

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233

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By QuicksilverMaximoff - United Kingdom

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

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46793

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By gnownayrgnow - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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45761

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 20:01 - Malaysia

Little shit

Today, I went to the graveyard with my little brother to visit my grandfather's grave. While we were there, my brother suddenly asked me, "Can you die now? I hate you." He's 7 year-old. FML

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863

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By not a whore! - 30/8/2020 07:05 - United States - Madison

Can't catch a break

Today my sister was complaining about all the inaccuracies in Grey's Anatomy and how it negatively portrayed nurses. I’m a massage therapist. Almost everything portrays us as cheap whores. I’ve even been propositioned several times. When I pointed this out, she and the rest of my family laughed. FML

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1604

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 08:01

Squatters' rights

Today, I had the best date I've had in my life, until after we ate and split an expensive dinner out, we came back to my place and she then told me she was homeless, and wasn't looking to date but for a couch to crash on. She won't leave. Happy fucking New Year. FML

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1221

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By Anonymous - United States - Bliss

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

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30897

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By ninaaaa - United Kingdom - London

Today, my sister finished a project about something she hates. Me. FML

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36718

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By -insert clever nickname here- - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked the girl I'm madly in love with out to dinner. When she asked me if I would pay, I jokingly said, "Well, that depends on how the date goes." She looked me up and down and said, "No thanks then." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

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By imamomma - United States

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

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20159

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By dadisgoatboy - Switzerland

Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML

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31807

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By Jane - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

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40817

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By Scooter

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

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2522

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

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49638

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By srloin - United States

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

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30196

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By Backtoschool

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

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2124

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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32119

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By Anonymous

Today, my violent geriatric patient was trying to escape the facility. When I intervened, she poked my belly then told me I was squishy and that I might explode. FML

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2291

That could've happened to me

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By Tanisha Skye Regeling - 11/6/2020 23:02

Night terrors

Today, I woke up with a headache and a bruised forehead after my husband full-force elbowed me in the head last night in his sleep. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact he has zero memory of doing it. FML

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1328

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By poorlyparented - United States - San Antonio

Today, my coworker decided to give me "the talk". I'm 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

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32063

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By fun in functioning, I suppose - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38139

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5656

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By dumb tourists - China - Beijing

Today, a blonde tourist came up to me and asked me for directions to the nearest train station. I politely directed her there, and she left. Five minutes later, she came back and slapped me for not bringing her to an "English-speaking station". We're in China, lady. FML

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44831

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By stillwaiting - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

I agree, your life sucks

77088

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By rippedoff - Australia

Duped

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12120

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By superbubbles - 23/3/2021 21:30 - Canada

Barfed out

Today, I threw up in bio when we dissected cow hearts. Guess that rules out my childhood passion as a possible career. FML

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686

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Top comments

By oreoeater | 21

#6565673 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:11

Just stare at her for a moment before saying "yes"

By MichaelDeSanta | 20

#6565672 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:10

Can you say "mommy dearest?"

COMMENTS

By MichaelDeSanta | 20

#6565672 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:10

Can you say "mommy dearest?"

OysterPearls | 33

#6565714 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:42

OP, I suggest you stay away from any wire hangers lying around.

By oreoeater | 21

#6565673 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:11

Just stare at her for a moment before saying "yes"

By mhersh_59 | 8

#6565680 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:12

Should have said "Yes, I have that feeling right now"

By feven | 32

#6565681 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:12

Maybe you're better off (and safer) just getting the silent treatment.

By trulypar | 34

#6565682 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:13

Just tell her "nope, but that's probably because I'm NOT crazy."

By andrmac | 25

#6565685 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:15

Talk to your dad about this.

alphafish17 | 16

#6565913 - Thursday 24 March 2016 0:28

The dad probably doesn't care

By Redmond64 | 16

#6565688 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:17

Well do you?

By Mightytall | 35

#6565689 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:18

"Step"mother? Womb?

By pjsr | 32

#6565691 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:20

You probably do now

By kowsee | 22

#6565694 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 18:22

Oh wow, harsh and immature, are we talking about an adult or a child? (Obvious sarcasm)

saxaddict122 | 14

#6565729 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 19:07

So THAT'S how you convey sarcasm via text!

kowsee | 22

#6565939 - Thursday 24 March 2016 0:44

I know right?