Money and Kids: Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about... - FML

By sally

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

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BO Central

Gas giant

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By BoomHeadshot - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I horribly lost a game of basketball against my dad. It wouldn't have been so humiliating if he hadn't been piss drunk at the time. FML

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By omfgwhywhywhy - 22/3/2020 19:18 - United States

Deliverude

Today, I had to take a delivery to a known hoarder. I was braced for the sight of the house, but not the naked fat guy and the smell of dead cat when he answered the door. To top it off, they didn't even tip me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, when I walked into work all of my co-workers were giggling and asking "How was YOUR night last night?". Last night I had sex for the first time with someone I'm seeing secretly (with good reason). That person is my boss. He told everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that my bed has a flea infestation. I discovered it after sleeping naked in it for about an hour. FML

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By roseland - United States - Hilton

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were planning how to spend the day together. When I suggested we start off with some fun in bed, then get some pizza and play his favorite video game, he sighed, "Can't we just go straight to gaming?" FML

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By thelarkscaw - United States

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

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By Cakeman - United States

Today, I was at a barbecue. I picked up a piece of cake and began complaining to the man next to me about how horrible it tasted. "It tastes like a s***!" I said. His wife baked it. FML

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By cydia123

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

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By wtfdreams - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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By Cookie_monster - Canada - Toronto

Today, getting ready to go out, I turned on my straightener. After 5 minutes, I start straightening one big strand when I realize I'm smelting plastic into my hair. Turns out I'd left it on a plastic box. Of course, plastic never comes out, so I had to cut it out. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By danonno - Canada - Nelson

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

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By fuck wannabe knowitalls - United States

Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like I finally had sex with someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

PUA

Today, while jogging in the park, a confused elderly gentleman asked me for directions, so I told him how to get to where he needed to go. He paused for a long moment, then asked me if he could eat me out. FML

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By frankie034 - Australia

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

No logic

Today, my uncle died from COVID he contracted at church. During the service, his pastor got up and started talking about how proud he was that my uncle didn't let a pandemic stop him from going to worship. At the church. That gave him COVID. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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By Obviously works everywhere

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML

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By weeble_wobbles09 - United States

Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad taught me how to swim. I had to keep doing a lot of strange movements to keep my body floating. While doing that, two 8-year-old girls came and asked me if i needed help getting out of the water. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By bosslady12 - United States

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Mia - United States - Laurel

Today, I was mistaken for my twin brother twice. This probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Applecross

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, a guy called customer support, claiming his internet wasn't working. I asked for his customer details, and he gave his name as Mike Hunt. I recognized the old joke, called him an idiot, and hung up on him. It turned out that was his real name. I'm now on suspension. FML

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By aye! - 25/7/2020 02:02

Porque no los dos?

Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my phone started ringing in the other room. I ran to go pick it up, tripped over my coffee table which gashed my leg, and knocked over my brand new 50" LCD TV, which broke over my head. Turns out it was a wrong number. FML

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By Lyingg - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, being near-broke, I resorted to shopping at Walmart. Barely ten minutes in, an obese sack of lard posing as a human being shoved me away from the bacon I was looking at. I fell, busted my lip, then got screamed at by another woman for not watching where I was going. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML

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By fatty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

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By Letteh

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

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By Anon - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

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By goodmorning - United States - Nashville

Today, I was eating a bowl of cereal and noticed something float to the top. On closer inspection, it turned out to be a mouse turd. I had already eaten half the bowl. FML

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By itsellie27 - United Kingdom - London

Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML

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Top comments

By wysegirl | 19

#7718528 - Sunday 4 November 2018 12:20

Food Wars is a good show but maybe you should teach him not to mimic TV shows...

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7709946 - Wednesday 17 October 2018 5:27

Someone isn't getting a visit from Santa this year.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7709946 - Wednesday 17 October 2018 5:27

Someone isn't getting a visit from Santa this year.

By wysegirl | 19

#7718528 - Sunday 4 November 2018 12:20

Food Wars is a good show but maybe you should teach him not to mimic TV shows...

Reply

IAmClay | 24

#7718557 - Sunday 4 November 2018 14:43

Figured it was that one lol

By melisssa87 | 30

#7718551 - Sunday 4 November 2018 14:13

Maybe get him if own playing kitchen that’s all in plastic

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7718559 - Sunday 4 November 2018 14:49

If he ever has the courage to try cooking again, encourage him and help him out.

By darkshadus | 10

#7718563 - Sunday 4 November 2018 15:00

just make him in charge of napkins from now on problem solved

By mrhappynottms | 7

#7718575 - Sunday 4 November 2018 15:36

-plays dramatic music-
“Food wars... food wars never changes...”

By RichardPencil | 29

#7718598 - Sunday 4 November 2018 17:13

How did the food turn out? I’m guessing great.

By ciph3r | 9

#7718623 - Sunday 4 November 2018 18:15

Holy flaming frying pans Batman, how the hell to you set a metal pan on fire??

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7718664 - Sunday 4 November 2018 20:11

My guess would be he was trying to flambé, got a little carried away, and set the pan aflame.

By swervelol | 28

#7718625 - Sunday 4 November 2018 18:18

Well Soma was taught how to cook by his dad for his whole life. You could turn it around and cook with him just like in food wars!

By Takegami | 22

#7718753 - Sunday 4 November 2018 23:27

Shokugeki no Soma.
Food wars
Don’t try this at home