Kids: Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time.... - FML

By doomeddaddy - 03/08/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 189

You deserved it 3 218

Batman

Broken heart

A very compassionate defence…

By Frustrated - 13/07/2019 22:30

Today, I couldn't convince my grandmother that no matter how much she called AT&T, they will not come and fix her dead computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 616

You deserved it 118

Timing

By Anonymous - 10/02/2010 00:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 862

You deserved it 18 032

By mick - 29/04/2018 19:00

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 688

You deserved it 484

Cool new nickname

By Anonymous - 06/10/2021 14:00 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I shat myself at work. To get home, I have to take two buses with a 20-minute wait in-between. So yes everyone, I'll be 'Shit Girl' for the next two hours, and probably behind my back at work for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 136

Showtime

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 271

By insultedguy - 03/01/2011 17:28 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 216

You deserved it 4 407

By no sleep for me - 08/01/2013 07:44

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 229

You deserved it 5 706

By rainonmyparade - 17/03/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I called my dad to tell him my boyfriend had proposed to me, and that we're planning on being married this summer. He was surprised at the short engagement, so I said, "Well, we're almost 30." Dad replied, "Wow, I left your mom when I was 35!" So not the conversation for that information, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 637

You deserved it 3 565

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By Anonymous - 04/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

I agree, your life sucks 883

You deserved it 130

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home, she thanked me over and over again, and then said, "Thank god you have no life!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 657

You deserved it 4 485

The X Factor

By Tajjali Fatima - 13/09/2020 22:58

Today, I was singing in a terrible voice on purpose during a Zoom call from school, thinking I was on mute. I carried on, until a message saying, "The host has muted you" appeared on my screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 1 582

By minnie - 28/08/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted so loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 676

You deserved it 6 882

By fuckingcool - 06/06/2016 04:56

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 588

You deserved it 1 023

By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, my parents told me about how they met. I'd already known they were eight years apart, but I never knew my dad started dating my mom when he was 21 and she was 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 592

You deserved it 4 089

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, I slept over at my boyfriend's house and he offered to give me a massage, as he'd found a book on sensual massage and wanted to test it out on me. When he went to the bathroom, I found the book open on his desk- at "Massage to eliminate cellulite". FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 038

You deserved it 7 732

By billy - 31/03/2015 10:54 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I dislocated my toe while putting on my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 875

You deserved it 5 359

By idontbleedfromthere - 22/08/2012 23:10 - United States - Indio

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 911

You deserved it 2 167

By Twiggysucks68 - 07/01/2013 01:49 - United States - Antioch

Today, my fiancé decided he wants a baby only because our dog is good, quiet, and falls asleep as soon as he starts to cradle her. He thinks a baby will be just like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 256

You deserved it 2 811

By anonymous - 22/12/2017 15:00

Today, I took the bus home after visiting a friend. Standing in front of my house, I realized that I had forgotten my keys. They were still in my car, which I had parked at my friend's place and forgotten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 115

You deserved it 3 409

Bachelor party

By Anonymous - 07/02/2020 18:00

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 112

You deserved it 417

By laptopsRus - 19/05/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 879

You deserved it 45 124

By Anonymous - 06/07/2009 19:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 071

You deserved it 7 228

By failure - 22/09/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 676

You deserved it 5 021

By hard_headed - 10/09/2010 10:02 - United States

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 853

You deserved it 22 938

Extreme cooking

By oldmold - 23/07/2020 17:01

Today, my husband and I got into a huge argument. He called me wasteful for throwing out old food. He insisted that you can simply pick the mold off and the food was perfectly fine. He’s going to kill our kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 192

By kappaomicron - 19/01/2010 23:18 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 043

You deserved it 6 594

By Anonymous - 26/10/2010 20:34 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In the middle of the procedure, the power went out. I had to sit there for an hour to wait for it to come back on. The anesthetic wore off before he started working on me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 350

You deserved it 2 693

By gr8 - 28/09/2018 17:30

Today, because I had to leave the country without notice and didn't have reception to notify my college, I have been irreversibly dropped from all my classes without a refund and will have to reapply for January. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 411

You deserved it 512

By snickerdoodles - 08/01/2010 06:30 - France

Today, I was sparring with a guy in my Tae Kwon Do class. He had a hard-on the entire time we were sparring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 336

You deserved it 3 963

By Justawoman - 04/06/2014 15:52 - Denmark - Aarhus

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 439

You deserved it 8 590

By Discouraged - 06/01/2015 20:36 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my brother admitted that he decides whether he will date a girl or not based on the number of likes she gets on her selfies. We share the same blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 554

You deserved it 3 494

By PokeWife - 06/02/2013 13:38 - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 228

You deserved it 4 506

By unlucky - 10/11/2009 03:16 - Canada

Today, I attended a focus group. Since I've been unemployed for a month now I thought the $60 would come in handy. By the time I finished someone had broken into my car, stole my GPS and MP3 player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 644

You deserved it 3 355

By iDisable - 19/06/2011 00:27 - Australia

Today, my brother thought it would be funny to disable my iPod Touch for 45 minutes. After 45 minutes, I went to enter my password. I missed a number accidentally. 50 minutes to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 598

You deserved it 30 665

By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a first aid training course. I had to lie on the floor and pretend I was unconscious. We were supposed to be doing the recovery position, but the guy I was working with decided to perform CPR instead and grope my boobs in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 463

You deserved it 3 465

By el211 - 15/03/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 191

You deserved it 2 763

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 08:01 - Canada

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 567

You deserved it 142

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 082

You deserved it 2 805

By Malakai - 02/02/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, while in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 767

You deserved it 8 465

By Fuzzy - 08/01/2010 07:56 - Australia

Today, I was watching Star Wars : Attack of the Clones, and Yoda was using the force to move a heavy object. While in the middle of my loungeroom, I instinctively put my hand up to use the force to help him, infront of my father and sister. My sister will never let me live it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 099

You deserved it 39 797

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Top comments

flockz 19

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:16

marking his territory. he's gonna ask for a sandwich next.

Infamous_Hawk 6

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:14

Congradulations, I guess.

Comments

Infamous_Hawk 6

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:14

Congradulations, I guess.

dolphincheddar 10

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:17

What's wrong with that? I void my bowels when I'm excited..

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:47

it's raining men! hallelujah it's raining men :D

Lstands4LOSER 0

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:03

It's like a famous quote I heard. "Happiness is like peeing yourself; Even though everyone can see it, all you feel is warmth"

whisper_White 6

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:12

.

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:33

Obviously you didn't teach him very well....

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:34

That's what happens when you don't teach them how to pee until 17.

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:54

Don't act like you wouldn't do the same, OP

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Thursday 4 August 2011 0:26

You missed your chance to go "Number 1".

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Thursday 4 August 2011 1:09

Thumbs down for spelling

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Thursday 4 August 2011 2:56

looks like urine trouble

dolphincheddar 10

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Thursday 4 August 2011 3:01

^ at first that pissed me off, but it's so funny I just had to go with the flow

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Thursday 4 August 2011 3:57

I pee outside

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Thursday 4 August 2011 5:29

37 it's happiness is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it but only you can feel it's warmth

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Thursday 4 August 2011 9:10

31 - is that actualy how you spell ... Halilulahya .... Cause i cant spell it right and i wanna know 37 - isnt that some other person on this with a pic of a sign that says that?

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Thursday 4 August 2011 23:39

be glad he didnt pee in the toilet and poop on the floor op :)

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:14

hmmm.... maybe you need to rain him again.....

dolphincheddar 10

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:16

You rain your child?

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:19

*train* and you would be excited about being potty trained???

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:19

Damn it! 7! You took my comment!

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:21

wait... 7 changed their comment

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Thursday 4 August 2011 0:29

I think maybe you meant "golden shower" him.

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Thursday 4 August 2011 1:08

nooooo I meant train!!!!!!!!

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:15

Rebound

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:15

Just like a puppy

lu95 16

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:15

Ahh the potty training stage :)

flockz 19

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:16

marking his territory. he's gonna ask for a sandwich next.

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:16

oh thee irony of it all :)

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:18

Oh. I get it. Irony!

perdix 29

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:19

Sounds like your definition of "learn" is quite lenient. You're going to have to put in a lot more work to get that child to toileting technology mastery.

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Thursday 4 August 2011 1:15

You're a lil Chinese/Asian prick. You're not even american so stfu!

PushMyButtons 5

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Thursday 4 August 2011 8:40

Perdix your back!

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:23

He apperently hasnt Learned.! -__-

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:41

Apparently, you havent learnt your english.

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:46

Ignore this too.

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 22:49

Apparently, neither have you. Learned*

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:13

Haha nope. im still in school learning!

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:53

33, *learnt. Check a grammar dictionary.

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:54

Both learnt and learned are acceptable. Though which you'll use will depend on where you're from

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:55

Leaned and learnt are correct; regional uses may vary.

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 23:58

learned*** Didn't let me edit in time.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 28

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 192

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 260