Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new...

By WasteOMoney - 4/7/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

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Intimacy

Boozehound

No one likes a smart-ass

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 04:00

Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

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By ssjin93 - 24/11/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I received two letters, one from my mom, other from my dad, about how much they missed me with me not being around them. I called my mom, feeling sad. She didn't sound sad at all. She asked me which letter was better. My parents were competing each other which letter would be more moving. FML

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By Random - 4/4/2017 07:00 - Canada - Langley

Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML

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By anon - 13/5/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

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By forgottendaughter - 17/1/2010 14:41 - South Africa

Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML

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By Redhottt6 - 5/8/2016 01:24

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 12:04 - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

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By KieRendan - 25/5/2012 19:59 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML

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By fucktelstra - 17/3/2016 11:42 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

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By Alex - 7/3/2012 00:34 - United States

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

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By harry - 6/12/2008 07:51 - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 23:31

Today, the guy I broke up with for being too possessive and jealous threatened to leak my nudes if he sees or hears that I've gotten with anyone else. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Juliet - 12/4/2013 00:40 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

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By Annonymous - 18/11/2013 18:37 - United States - Fallbrook

Today, my water got cut off. The previous homeowners owed the water company over $300, and the company doesn't believe that I'm not them. The supervisor told me this will keep happening until I pay up. I need a shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 05:52 - United States

Today, after work, I came home to my boyfriend sleeping on the couch. Feeling romantic, I started to undo his pants. My reward was him waking up and kneeing me in the eye. FML

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By iGreen - 9/7/2011 14:34 - Canada

Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 12:50 - United States

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

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By Dad41 - 21/6/2019 12:00

Toynado

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

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By tmi4me - 26/5/2015 03:50 - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, I got a spray tan for homecoming. While I was dancing, I got really sweaty and the spray tan rubbed off on the guy's white tux. FML

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By TNDriver - 16/7/2013 13:12 - United States - Jackson

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

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By nepotwatism @ its finest - 23/9/2015 15:05 - Sweden - Halmstad

Today, my boss told me I have to start work 4 hours early tomorrow, because that my coworker, who happens to be his son, will not be coming in because he's "too tired". I work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week without complaining. His son works two 4-hour shifts a week. FML

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By avocadopurse - 9/7/2018 19:00

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By todayJman03 - 22/12/2009 13:03 - United States

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By dumbass - 6/9/2012 06:46 - United States

Today, I sprained my ankle trying to prove that I can walk in high heels. FML

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By wrestling probs - 26/5/2015 02:24 - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - 8/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By fanaticalfuckspawn - 25/8/2014 20:14 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

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By Jenn - 24/9/2017 10:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2012 22:00 - United States - Waterford

Today, while looking through pictures of my boyfriend and me on Facebook, I noticed that in practically every single one featuring my best friend, his eyes are directed down her shirt. FML

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By Sleep Walking - 23/1/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By Noah - 16/8/2016 18:43 - United States - South Haven

Today, I was at a bar with my girlfriend, and I noticed an obnoxious guy from college I used to hang out with. I tried to avoid eye contact, but all of a sudden he shouted, "There's the guy who puked his margarita back into the glass!" Everyone stared. Yup, that was me, just last week. FML

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By Loner - 19/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By hopeless-.- - 29/8/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in to kiss me. Being sweaty and nasty, I said "Not now, I'm hot and sweaty." He looked at me blankly and said "So am I, just smell my ball sweat." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2013 00:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Huron

Misogynistic and insensitive. Great.

Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom passed away when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered, "Women drivers." FML

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By NOIDIDNOT - 19/11/2012 06:21 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I had my wisdom teeth taken out. I vaguely remember telling the doctor that I'm a virgin. Several times. FML

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By dumb dancer - 5/12/2014 01:54 - United States - Saginaw

Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML

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By thewordsicantsay - 25/2/2010 07:05 - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

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Top comments

By Tessa39 | 0

#2817402 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

sounds like he is a genius

By EvilDoll | 7

#2817412 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

Well, his education and your money are both going down the drain. Among other things...

Comments

By Tessa39 | 0

#2817402 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

sounds like he is a genius

Saltime | 0

#2817474 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:39

Yes, he is. The video will end up causing a chain reaction, which in return will pocket him millions.

And sadly, this reminded me of 2 girls 1 cup.

Tessa39 | 0

#2817579 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:48

except the video didn't happen... he dropped the phone....

tamoodielovesmar | 1

#2817584 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:49

True

senseisuncommon | 7

#2817626 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:54

i Think his teacher promised him extra credit for fortage of him taking a dump... perverted weird teacher is weirdly perverted.

DropDead77 | 11

#2817629 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:54

Sounds like a shitty situation

CeciliaSaldana | 0

#2817771 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:18

he was probably drunk.

CeciliaSaldana | 0

#2817773 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:18

he was probably drunk.

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2817796 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:22

God hopes he never sends you a video..

nleighane | 0

#2818259 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:48

our health care is going down the toilet. ._.

Jacobt24 | 19

#2818384 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:22

He's got balls for confronting his mother about it.

sparkman97 | 7

#2818596 - Monday 4 July 2011 14:10

hey, maybe he wants to be a proctologist. give the guy some space.

xxwafflez | 0

#2818689 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:18

why would he say he was taking a vid of him dumping...if that was me I would've said I was pissing and I got a call an then it fell.

toastyjustice | 5

#2818771 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:42

he should of just said he spilt water on it

dolphincheddar | 10

#2818830 - Monday 4 July 2011 16:02

he's in medical school. I'm sure he did it to learn something about how the anus works. although i'm not sure If it's for research purposes or that he wants a nice big sausage rammed up there

SpeakingMyMind | 0

#2819463 - Monday 4 July 2011 17:37

92 - pun intended?

nleighane | 0

#2820671 - Monday 4 July 2011 21:58

143; it was... it's a bit obvious.

Darcon | 8

#2821270 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:10

i feel...i feel... I FEEL GOOD! TANANANANANA...

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2822064 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 3:36

I dunno why but this FML reminds neon the video "2 girls 1 cup"... don't ever watch that video.

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2824955 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:40

33: Sounds like an old joke.

Darklord6980 | 5

#3195667 - Sunday 28 August 2011 17:08

Learn to spell.

By FiestaInMyPants | 8

#2817403 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

Maybe he was doing his own form of extra credit..

jeffreebitch | 0

#2817847 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:30

no I would have done it for this young man ;)

cenax27 | 0

#2818340 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:11

your comment is so fucked up, wtf

jeffreebitch | 0

#2818515 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:32

well I'm fucked up :) what do you expect my child?

dolphincheddar | 10

#2818839 - Monday 4 July 2011 16:04

fucked up the bum or a different orifice? I'm sorry you have peaked my interest

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2819479 - Monday 4 July 2011 17:39

NO ME GUSTA!!!

Jefree please just go away! I'm a sick person and I make wierd comments sometimes but WTF GIRL! You've scared ME.

ollierobs | 0

#2820362 - Monday 4 July 2011 20:29

Med student doing research that's all.

jeffreebitch | 0

#2822236 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:26

oh yes! fucked up the bum sounds delightful. :)

jeffreebitch | 0

#2835360 - Thursday 7 July 2011 3:20

you all just want to get in my pants. ;) come get me boys!

jeffreebitch | 0

#2926496 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 3:05

hey boys. ;)

By EvilDoll | 7

#2817412 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

Well, his education and your money are both going down the drain. Among other things...

cenax27 | 0

#2818263 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:50

at least the kid is doing something funny instead of being on fml

Dudelike89 | 8

#2818379 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:19

^^^Lol irony.

(lol irony of me posting)

theten_fml | 9

#2818566 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:52

$80,000 just for that?! I can't imagine what you pay for school.

toastyjustice | 5

#2818777 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:44

116, I think your trying to use sarcasm but I don't get it

By Saltime | 0

#2817425 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

I see a future scat pornstar.

lexeous | 4

#2817460 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

1guy1phone1toilet

ZombieeeeUnicorn | 1

#2817498 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:40

your picture is so hypnotizing... @[email protected]

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2818026 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:13

I'm surprised nobody had said something along the lines of "OMG!2girls1cup!LOL!"

Keyman1212 | 14

#2818751 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:36

I'm surprised you commented on here.

By boricualuv | 29

#2817427 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

lol maybe that was his homework

cenax27 | 0

#2818280 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:58

or maybe you were

By xXLove_MurdersXx | 4

#2817439 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

tamoodielovesmar | 1

#2817603 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:50

i know, right?

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#2818074 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:36

Who said medical school?

Cmliedtke | 0

#2818148 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:59

The FML said Medical school.....

TheBitchOfChuckN | 7

#2818472 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:09

The FML.

thetrollyoulike | 6

#2820777 - Monday 4 July 2011 22:25

he had a phone up to his ass... you think he's THAT bright?

By volley4eva1698 | 0

#2817447 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:37

...ohkay..hahaha this made me laugh and feel awkward at the same time

By ifailplzinsultme | 0

#2817454 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

I bet he was trying his new way of a colonoscopy!

By NoodleBurger | 0

#2817457 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

at least he's not out getting drunk.

mismonroe | 0

#2817913 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:44

Of he was, maybe he'd have a working phone.

Pretty_Pink_Lady | 10

#2818011 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:10

The FML doesn't say alcohol was involved, but most intelligent people only act this way when they're under some sort of influence. Of course there are the exceptions...