Intimacy: Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new...

By WasteOMoney - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

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Intimacy

Triage

Season finale

Toxic people

By thatfatkid - United States

Today, I told my mom I wanted to try out for the track team. Her exact words were "good luck, fatty". FML

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By Darin Greenwood

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

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By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

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By ugh mom! - 22/4/2020 20:00

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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By Ctmusher

Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

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By lily

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

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By Unfortunate Painter - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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By damnit - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

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By forever young - United States

Today, I Googled "How to act like an adult." I'm 37. FML

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By mastermind

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

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By scared to leave the house - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lees Summit

Today, I was at the airport when I saw a woman drop her bags and run to her husband. Thinking that someone might steal them, I picked up her bags and brought them over to her. She thanked me by slapping me, calling me a bitch and calling security. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

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By Maxwell - France

Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 02:00

Is this dude a puma?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML

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1291

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By Alec - United States

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Thief

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

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29829

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Mills

Today, someone stole my coat. I can only imagine their surprise when they find the $3,000 engagement ring I bought earlier. FML

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47019

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By he's still not convinced - United States

Today, while visiting my mother, she asked my son who his favorite parent was. As a growing boy, he chose his father. I don't mind, except she then asked, "So, whose side are you taking in the divorce?" My husband and I have no marital issues. My son refuses to believe us. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my younger sister's dog broke its leg. The vets are closed today so instead of going on a date with a girl I have been trying to get for at least 2 years, I need to carry an 80 lb. dog that hates me, up and down the stairs. I already got bit twice. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I was using my headset while gaming, and another player couldn't stop laughing at the hilariously high-pitched voice I was putting on. He thought I was mocking the pre-pubescent squeakers on our team. Nope, that's just my natural voice. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:15, snow blowed and salted the driveway for over an hour, left early and drove an hour on shitty roads just to get to work on time only to be laid off. FML

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By gordy1220 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to check my email on our family computer. Since my dad's account was already logged on, I chose to use his instead of logging on my own. When opening up a new page and seeing his recently viewed sites, I learned that he loves to watch porn. I also learned he has a foot fetish. FML

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By Little tears - 2/1/2021 14:05 - United States

Cranking

Today, I was so sad and lonely that I drunkenly masturbated to Game of Thrones scenes featuring Petyr Baelish. FML

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260

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By YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK THE CUSTOMER - United States - Sherwood

Today, at work, a woman came up to the snack bar and ordered a pretzel with no salt. When I served her the food, she angrily complained about it having no salt, followed by her throwing the whole thing in my face. FML

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By ohhdear.___. - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

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By watchyoself - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend had the very expensive watch he got me for Xmas resized. I dropped it trying to put it on and shattered the glass. The warranty won't cover it because of the adjustments made. FML

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By Shantoya - United States

Today, the guy I've secretly been in love with for years told me how hot my brother is. FML

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By hatemyjob - United States

Today, I arrived at work and was immediately given a disciplinary write-up for being two hours late for my shift. Apparently the manager had changed my schedule that morning and failed to tell me. FML

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34214

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o and spilt it on his top, so I pulled off his pj's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year old. FML

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By workerbee - United States

Today, I was on a conference call in my office with the door closed. I let out some loud farts and felt liberated. Forgot my phone was NOT on mute. There were only 3 people on the conference call - including me. FML

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7137

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By Coquette - United States

Today, I realized just how awful my relationships have been when I discovered I emotionally connect with women on Jerry Springer. FML

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21886

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By owew

Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML

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By OhDearGodGrandad - United Kingdom - Ilford

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

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By kerry - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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9484

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By loud sweeper

Mrs Heckles?

Today, my batshit crazy downstairs neighbor threatened me with "legal action" for making too much noise. According to her, it’s "illegal" for people in upstairs apartments to use vacuum cleaners, therefore I must sweep my carpets to avoid disturbing her and her imaginary guests. FML

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2017

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121

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Top comments

By Tessa39 | 0

#2817402 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

sounds like he is a genius

By EvilDoll | 7

#2817412 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

Well, his education and your money are both going down the drain. Among other things...

COMMENTS

By Tessa39 | 0

#2817402 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

sounds like he is a genius

Saltime | 0

#2817474 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:39

Yes, he is. The video will end up causing a chain reaction, which in return will pocket him millions.

And sadly, this reminded me of 2 girls 1 cup.

Tessa39 | 0

#2817579 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:48

except the video didn't happen... he dropped the phone....

tamoodielovesmar | 1

#2817584 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:49

True

senseisuncommon | 7

#2817626 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:54

i Think his teacher promised him extra credit for fortage of him taking a dump... perverted weird teacher is weirdly perverted.

DropDead77 | 11

#2817629 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:54

Sounds like a shitty situation

CeciliaSaldana | 0

#2817771 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:18

he was probably drunk.

CeciliaSaldana | 0

#2817773 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:18

he was probably drunk.

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2817796 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:22

God hopes he never sends you a video..

nleighane | 0

#2818259 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:48

our health care is going down the toilet. ._.

Jacobt24 | 19

#2818384 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:22

He's got balls for confronting his mother about it.

sparkman97 | 7

#2818596 - Monday 4 July 2011 14:10

hey, maybe he wants to be a proctologist. give the guy some space.

xxwafflez | 0

#2818689 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:18

why would he say he was taking a vid of him dumping...if that was me I would've said I was pissing and I got a call an then it fell.

toastyjustice | 5

#2818771 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:42

he should of just said he spilt water on it

dolphincheddar | 10

#2818830 - Monday 4 July 2011 16:02

he's in medical school. I'm sure he did it to learn something about how the anus works. although i'm not sure If it's for research purposes or that he wants a nice big sausage rammed up there

SpeakingMyMind | 0

#2819463 - Monday 4 July 2011 17:37

92 - pun intended?

nleighane | 0

#2820671 - Monday 4 July 2011 21:58

143; it was... it's a bit obvious.

Darcon | 8

#2821270 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:10

i feel...i feel... I FEEL GOOD! TANANANANANA...

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2822064 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 3:36

I dunno why but this FML reminds neon the video "2 girls 1 cup"... don't ever watch that video.

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2824955 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:40

33: Sounds like an old joke.

Darklord6980 | 5

#3195667 - Sunday 28 August 2011 17:08

Learn to spell.

By FiestaInMyPants | 8

#2817403 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

Maybe he was doing his own form of extra credit..

jeffreebitch | 0

#2817847 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:30

no I would have done it for this young man ;)

cenax27 | 0

#2818340 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:11

your comment is so fucked up, wtf

jeffreebitch | 0

#2818515 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:32

well I'm fucked up :) what do you expect my child?

dolphincheddar | 10

#2818839 - Monday 4 July 2011 16:04

fucked up the bum or a different orifice? I'm sorry you have peaked my interest

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2819479 - Monday 4 July 2011 17:39

NO ME GUSTA!!!

Jefree please just go away! I'm a sick person and I make wierd comments sometimes but WTF GIRL! You've scared ME.

ollierobs | 0

#2820362 - Monday 4 July 2011 20:29

Med student doing research that's all.

jeffreebitch | 0

#2822236 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:26

oh yes! fucked up the bum sounds delightful. :)

jeffreebitch | 0

#2835360 - Thursday 7 July 2011 3:20

you all just want to get in my pants. ;) come get me boys!

jeffreebitch | 0

#2926496 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 3:05

hey boys. ;)

By EvilDoll | 7

#2817412 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

Well, his education and your money are both going down the drain. Among other things...

cenax27 | 0

#2818263 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:50

at least the kid is doing something funny instead of being on fml

Dudelike89 | 8

#2818379 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:19

^^^Lol irony.

(lol irony of me posting)

theten_fml | 9

#2818566 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:52

$80,000 just for that?! I can't imagine what you pay for school.

toastyjustice | 5

#2818777 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:44

116, I think your trying to use sarcasm but I don't get it

By Saltime | 0

#2817425 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

I see a future scat pornstar.

lexeous | 4

#2817460 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

1guy1phone1toilet

ZombieeeeUnicorn | 1

#2817498 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:40

your picture is so hypnotizing... @[email protected]

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2818026 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:13

I'm surprised nobody had said something along the lines of "OMG!2girls1cup!LOL!"

Keyman1212 | 14

#2818751 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:36

I'm surprised you commented on here.

By boricualuv | 29

#2817427 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

lol maybe that was his homework

cenax27 | 0

#2818280 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:58

or maybe you were

By xXLove_MurdersXx | 4

#2817439 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

tamoodielovesmar | 1

#2817603 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:50

i know, right?

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#2818074 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:36

Who said medical school?

Cmliedtke | 0

#2818148 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:59

The FML said Medical school.....

TheBitchOfChuckN | 7

#2818472 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:09

The FML.

thetrollyoulike | 6

#2820777 - Monday 4 July 2011 22:25

he had a phone up to his ass... you think he's THAT bright?

By volley4eva1698 | 0

#2817447 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:37

...ohkay..hahaha this made me laugh and feel awkward at the same time

By ifailplzinsultme | 0

#2817454 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

I bet he was trying his new way of a colonoscopy!

By NoodleBurger | 0

#2817457 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

at least he's not out getting drunk.

mismonroe | 0

#2817913 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:44

Of he was, maybe he'd have a working phone.

Pretty_Pink_Lady | 10

#2818011 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:10

The FML doesn't say alcohol was involved, but most intelligent people only act this way when they're under some sort of influence. Of course there are the exceptions...