Intimacy: Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new...

By WasteOMoney - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

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Intimacy

Messed up

And today, on Dr Phil…

Tidy your room

By weddingblues - United States

Today, my fiancé informed me he didn't want a regular wedding cake, he wants a Batman cake. I have nothing against this, except that he already decided the wedding theme would be Star Wars. Essentially, I'm marrying a child. FML

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By me - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

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By Tupac

Today, I got a new title at work. My boss hyped it up and made it sound amazing, so I accepted. Come to find out it pays 20k less a year and is twice as much work. FML

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By heartless - Canada

Today, I realised that my glade plug-in air freshner lasts longer than any of my relationships have. FML

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By fml_forever32 - United States

Today, I was in the bus on my way home. I was reading a book, and drops of something were getting all over it. It was the man sitting next to me who was asleep and drooling. FML

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By 918boyz - United States

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said "That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream." FML

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By secenteenmagazine. - Canada

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

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By fattie4life - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my little sister as she explained that all these guys like her now that she's so skinny and beautiful. My mom must have overheard me tell my sister that at least I was a cuter child, because my mom laughed and said, "Yeah right, we had to buy you fat kid diapers." FML

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By JB - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML

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By panicked headaches - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

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By shrimp41 - United States

Today, I realized that the only human being I have talked to in the last three days is the guy at the drive thru. FML

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By badsitter

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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By nomoresbfun - United States

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

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By Blue_belle

Observational Comedy 101

Today, I was wearing a cute black dungaree dress with a purple top underneath. I thought I looked pretty good, until my son told me I looked like an evil Minion. FML

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By AwkwardMoments

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By crunch time - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By madafgf

Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML

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By lambeaster - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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By Creeped Out

Today, I went to the grocery store. As I was checking out, I went to grab the same item that the cashier was reaching for. He brushed my hand. He then both watched me creepily and asked my what lotion I used to make my hands so soft. When I left, he said, "I'll dream of you." FML

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By carsuck - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By fucktelstra - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

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By glittercat - United States

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

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By fmylife. - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend's dad asked me if I wanted to drive his 2008 Jaguar XKR. Excitedly, I agreed. He then spent the next hour discussing with me how masturbation is a great alternative to sex, and a great way to remain abstinent. I didn't get to drive. FML

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By Rants

Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

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By Milly - 29/3/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Family ties

Today, I disconnected and hid the WiFi router and told my kids and husband I wanted an hour together doing family stuff. I failed miserably. Rather than spend an hour together, they spent nearly 2 hours separately tearing the house apart for the router. Now the house is a mess and I’m still lonely. FML

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By Jenn P - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

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By what_a_loner - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

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By Azcrazy - United States

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She's been there all day. FML

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By bob - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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By motherlover - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

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By Girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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By leonuniz - Canada - Calgary

Today, my grandma told me point-blank that she despises gays, but that she'll go to my wedding for the booze and nothing more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with "YAY! I want to live with daddy! He buys better presents." Their father has literally never bought anything for them, the exact reason I'm divorcing him. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Mierlo

Today, my drunk dad decided to wake me up by lobbing our cat directly into my now-mauled face. FML

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By Kayla - United States - Mesa

Today, I freaked out because of the smell of rotting eggs lingering in my apartment. I soon discovered it was my boyfriend's feet. FML

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By ducklover1 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I got to see a waterfall up close. Too bad it was in my bedroom. FML

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Top comments

By Tessa39 | 0

#2817402 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

sounds like he is a genius

By EvilDoll | 7

#2817412 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

Well, his education and your money are both going down the drain. Among other things...

COMMENTS

By Tessa39 | 0

#2817402 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

sounds like he is a genius

Saltime | 0

#2817474 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:39

Yes, he is. The video will end up causing a chain reaction, which in return will pocket him millions.

And sadly, this reminded me of 2 girls 1 cup.

Tessa39 | 0

#2817579 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:48

except the video didn't happen... he dropped the phone....

tamoodielovesmar | 1

#2817584 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:49

True

senseisuncommon | 7

#2817626 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:54

i Think his teacher promised him extra credit for fortage of him taking a dump... perverted weird teacher is weirdly perverted.

DropDead77 | 11

#2817629 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:54

Sounds like a shitty situation

CeciliaSaldana | 0

#2817771 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:18

he was probably drunk.

CeciliaSaldana | 0

#2817773 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:18

he was probably drunk.

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2817796 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:22

God hopes he never sends you a video..

nleighane | 0

#2818259 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:48

our health care is going down the toilet. ._.

Jacobt24 | 19

#2818384 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:22

He's got balls for confronting his mother about it.

sparkman97 | 7

#2818596 - Monday 4 July 2011 14:10

hey, maybe he wants to be a proctologist. give the guy some space.

xxwafflez | 0

#2818689 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:18

why would he say he was taking a vid of him dumping...if that was me I would've said I was pissing and I got a call an then it fell.

toastyjustice | 5

#2818771 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:42

he should of just said he spilt water on it

dolphincheddar | 10

#2818830 - Monday 4 July 2011 16:02

he's in medical school. I'm sure he did it to learn something about how the anus works. although i'm not sure If it's for research purposes or that he wants a nice big sausage rammed up there

SpeakingMyMind | 0

#2819463 - Monday 4 July 2011 17:37

92 - pun intended?

nleighane | 0

#2820671 - Monday 4 July 2011 21:58

143; it was... it's a bit obvious.

Darcon | 8

#2821270 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 0:10

i feel...i feel... I FEEL GOOD! TANANANANANA...

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2822064 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 3:36

I dunno why but this FML reminds neon the video "2 girls 1 cup"... don't ever watch that video.

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2824955 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 15:40

33: Sounds like an old joke.

Darklord6980 | 5

#3195667 - Sunday 28 August 2011 17:08

Learn to spell.

By FiestaInMyPants | 8

#2817403 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:34

Maybe he was doing his own form of extra credit..

jeffreebitch | 0

#2817847 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:30

no I would have done it for this young man ;)

cenax27 | 0

#2818340 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:11

your comment is so fucked up, wtf

jeffreebitch | 0

#2818515 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:32

well I'm fucked up :) what do you expect my child?

dolphincheddar | 10

#2818839 - Monday 4 July 2011 16:04

fucked up the bum or a different orifice? I'm sorry you have peaked my interest

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#2819479 - Monday 4 July 2011 17:39

NO ME GUSTA!!!

Jefree please just go away! I'm a sick person and I make wierd comments sometimes but WTF GIRL! You've scared ME.

ollierobs | 0

#2820362 - Monday 4 July 2011 20:29

Med student doing research that's all.

jeffreebitch | 0

#2822236 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:26

oh yes! fucked up the bum sounds delightful. :)

jeffreebitch | 0

#2835360 - Thursday 7 July 2011 3:20

you all just want to get in my pants. ;) come get me boys!

jeffreebitch | 0

#2926496 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 3:05

hey boys. ;)

By EvilDoll | 7

#2817412 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:35

Well, his education and your money are both going down the drain. Among other things...

cenax27 | 0

#2818263 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:50

at least the kid is doing something funny instead of being on fml

Dudelike89 | 8

#2818379 - Monday 4 July 2011 12:19

^^^Lol irony.

(lol irony of me posting)

theten_fml | 9

#2818566 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:52

$80,000 just for that?! I can't imagine what you pay for school.

toastyjustice | 5

#2818777 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:44

116, I think your trying to use sarcasm but I don't get it

By Saltime | 0

#2817425 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

I see a future scat pornstar.

lexeous | 4

#2817460 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

1guy1phone1toilet

ZombieeeeUnicorn | 1

#2817498 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:40

your picture is so hypnotizing... @[email protected]

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2818026 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:13

I'm surprised nobody had said something along the lines of "OMG!2girls1cup!LOL!"

Keyman1212 | 14

#2818751 - Monday 4 July 2011 15:36

I'm surprised you commented on here.

By boricualuv | 29

#2817427 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

lol maybe that was his homework

cenax27 | 0

#2818280 - Monday 4 July 2011 11:58

or maybe you were

By xXLove_MurdersXx | 4

#2817439 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:36

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

tamoodielovesmar | 1

#2817603 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:50

i know, right?

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#2818074 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:36

Who said medical school?

Cmliedtke | 0

#2818148 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:59

The FML said Medical school.....

TheBitchOfChuckN | 7

#2818472 - Monday 4 July 2011 13:09

The FML.

thetrollyoulike | 6

#2820777 - Monday 4 July 2011 22:25

he had a phone up to his ass... you think he's THAT bright?

By volley4eva1698 | 0

#2817447 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:37

...ohkay..hahaha this made me laugh and feel awkward at the same time

By ifailplzinsultme | 0

#2817454 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

I bet he was trying his new way of a colonoscopy!

By NoodleBurger | 0

#2817457 - Monday 4 July 2011 8:38

at least he's not out getting drunk.

mismonroe | 0

#2817913 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:44

Of he was, maybe he'd have a working phone.

Pretty_Pink_Lady | 10

#2818011 - Monday 4 July 2011 10:10

The FML doesn't say alcohol was involved, but most intelligent people only act this way when they're under some sort of influence. Of course there are the exceptions...