Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school.... - FML

By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and explaining to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML

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Grow up

A beautiful truck decoration

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By Oh-Shit! - 10/8/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 20:17 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, half-way through my trip to Florida, I received a call from my friend of six years. "I sort of had sex with your girlfriend while you were gone." He said it "just sort of happened." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2013 18:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my bus got held up in traffic, so I arrived home about 15 minutes late. My mum bitched me out, accused me of sleeping around, and grounded me. All this while my brother raged at his video game in the other room, screaming stuff such as "EAT SHIT, YOU CUNTS!" with total impunity. FML

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By sad-sexed - 6/9/2010 12:50 - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

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By boned - 27/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I checked my university financial account to discover I owed them over $1000. The reason? They had apparently given me too much money when I applied for a loan and now want it back. Oh, and I spent my loan money on books and a laptop for school. FML

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By sucks_brah - 25/12/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and decided to unwrap all my Christmas gifts and throw them at the wall. Ho, ho, ho. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By jennavankirk - 22/7/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, I lied to a group of 8 year olds about having a boyfriend. FML

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By notsexy - 9/5/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

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By Coach - 30/10/2009 13:19 - United States

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

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By WhyThankYou - 26/7/2013 05:31 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I was having dinner at a long-time friend's place. In a matter of 15 minutes, her mom had managed to establish unequivocally that three kinds of people were ruining the world: vegetarians, atheists and homosexuals. I'm all three rolled into one. She knows that. FML

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By what... - 15/9/2013 18:47 - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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By IlikeGreenPlants - 26/11/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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By Stevarious - 10/7/2015 15:49 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was finally starting to relax after a stressful and expensive move, where I had to give up half my belongings and furniture, as well as my cat. All the stress came rushing back as my new landlord told me that he's selling the building and I've got 30 days to vacate. FML

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By lostbandana - 3/7/2011 02:15 - United States

Today, I was accused of cheating on my wife when an earring was found in our car. I knew it was my mom's missing earring but she didn't believe me. After calling my mom and getting them on the phone to clarify, my wife is upset I told my mother at all. Now I'm not a cheater, just an asshole. FML

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By skunk head - 22/7/2020 05:01

Extreme makeover

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

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By greenintheface - 30/4/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

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By mrboston - 1/9/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 18:26 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

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By zlotytarasy - 14/10/2009 22:03 - Poland

Today, I accepted a great job offer I've been working months to earn so I can continue to live with my fiancé here in Poland. I just found out that my work visa was denied. Now I have to fly home to Canada and reapply before coming back. This takes a month. My new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By Braceyourself - 25/9/2016 05:44 - United States - San Pablo

Today, I went in for an audition. Since my wrist had been in a brace all week, I felt I would be fine without it for one day because I didn't want it to be a distraction. I tripped in the middle of the dance routine and crashed on top of my injured wrist. FML

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By Ihavethickthighs - 7/9/2017 16:00

Today, and for the past week, my boyfriend joined me on my walks. He's recently gotten into photography and is now intent on tracking down a rare bird that he never sees but always hears. I don't have the heart to tell him that it's the sound of my thighs rubbing together. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2013 13:38 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband rejected sleeping with me because he wants to "save his energy" for building his custom car. Apparently, I'm a "distraction." FML

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By bagpipesrkmywrld - 27/5/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, my most difficult task at work was three hole punching a 500 page document so somebody could put it in a binder on their shelf and not read it. I have a $150,000 education. FML

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By AIienware - 30/6/2015 15:33

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By WTF - 22/4/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, my son and I were on an airplane playing "I Spy" to pass the time. The game went back and forth a few times when my son said, "I spy something yellow." After pointing out numerous yellow objects on the plane I gave up. He said, "Daddy! It's your teeth!" FML

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By Nik - 20/2/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

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By Itchy - 28/2/2017 18:00

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By cheat - 18/10/2009 11:30 - United States

Today, I cheated at card games to let my boyfriend win. I did it because I don't like him to throw the cards at me when I win. Now he just thinks I'm 'so slow a turtle could kick my ass' and that he has 'a cute little bubbly spud-brained girlfriend.' FML

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By buddy - 26/1/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I woke up and it was Monday. FML

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By nosrepamai82 - 26/7/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband made a replica of our family on The Sims 3. I also found out he killed me off a couple weeks ago and made a new wife, KiKi. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 21:28 - Italy - Genova

Today, I got stuck in the elevator at work. When I was finally let out, my boss decided I shouldn't get a lunch break, because I'd already had over an hour off work while in the elevator. I had to starve through 5 more hours of work. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 04:05

Today, my husband told me that for our anniversary he will be watching the UFC fight, because it is, "one of the biggest events ever and he just can't miss it." Apparently, our one-year wedding anniversary is not as important. To add to it, he said we should watch it together. Very romantic. FML

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By Anon - 26/5/2009 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 02:20

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

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By welcometothefamily - 26/2/2011 14:03 - United States

Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML

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By Mr. Headshot - 25/4/2011 05:01

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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By NotBuyingATractor - 2/9/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer service guy called to fix a problem I've been having with my phone. When it transpired that he couldn't help, he transferred me to another representative. This other representative ended up being a John Deere dealer in Michigan. FML

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By shahman14 - 2/6/2019 00:02

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

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Top comments

By lol_everyday | 0

#66783 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:02

even if it was a mouse.. why the fork would you step on it?

By c0w | 0

#66790 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:06

As mentioned above, why would anyone step on a mouse?

Even more important, why are YOU cleaning it up? Someone here needs to take responsibility for their stupid actions.

COMMENTS

By lol_everyday | 0

#66783 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:02

even if it was a mouse.. why the fork would you step on it?

Reply

MarkToast | 19

#5773822 - Sunday 1 December 2013 1:25

would you let it scamper around your house and shit on your stuff if you had a chance to kill it?

Reply

hallix | 21

#5785901 - Monday 9 December 2013 22:51

Agreed! I've had three pet mice; OP's boyfriend needs his eyes checked.

By ThisisLegit | 0

#66786 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:03

But...why would he even STEP on a mouse?
Oh lawd.

Reply

Lucidium | 0

#2322832 - Sunday 10 April 2011 3:07

to kill it

By c0w | 0

#66790 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:06

As mentioned above, why would anyone step on a mouse?

Even more important, why are YOU cleaning it up? Someone here needs to take responsibility for their stupid actions.

By aznturtle1 | 0

#66792 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:06

buy another hamster and replace it

By plethora | 3

#66794 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:07

Ew.

By mf_fml | 0

#66798 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:09

why are you the one that's stuck cleaning-up?
your boyfriend's the one that likes to step on mice, amongst other little animals.

By Snazzy | 0

#66801 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:11

OMG! I had a hamster before.. They're the cutest things, and look nothing like a mouse :S ... no offence, but your boyfriend is barbaric. He should be the one scrubbing your floor. How would he feel if a giant came and stomped on him for looking like a mouse.. or rat.

By ateasenfitz | 0

#66802 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:11

Get another hamster, then another boyfriend.

Reply

davide234 | 0

#1808484 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 15:12

hahahaaaaa :)

By superson_fml | 0

#66808 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:16

Why didn't your boyfriend clean it up? duh?

By Shroomsteroo | 0

#66814 - Sunday 29 March 2009 10:18

poor hamster..