Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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Instadrama

In-laws, in-fighting

Yeah, fuck the poor

By Jen - United States - Woodland Hills

Communication breakdown

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

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By JD - Australia

Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

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By the2girls - Canada

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

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By sihehe - 28/4/2020 05:00

Hide and seek

Today, my cat got diarrhea. My house is under renovation at the moment. I can smell it, but I don't know where it is. FML

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By Ginger - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me I should finish school early and get a job so we can get married, because then he'll have enough money to buy the truck he's had his eyes on for our whole relationship. FML

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By anonymous409 - 1/12/2020 20:01

Greetings

Today, I was going out to buy some stuff from the store. As I was leaving, my mom warned me to tie my shoelaces; I told her not to worry about it. As I'm walking down the street, I see my crush walking towards me. As I get closer and say hi, I trip on my shoelaces and face-plant into her chest. FML

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By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

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By "levsterx"

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

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By fedlife - United States

Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can also fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML

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By waitthatsnotme - United States

Today, after dating my girlfriend for about a month she decided to change her Facebook status to taken. When I saw the update I immediately clicked "Like." Then I looked up and saw I wasn't the person she had put herself in the relationship with. FML

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By krray

Suspense

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

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By gassy - United States - Aubrey

Today, I woke up after sleeping with my boyfriend for the first time. I rolled over and smiled at him, and the first thing he said was, "You farted. A lot." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2020 20:00

After shower

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the locks broke) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

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By Shitty genes, no two ways about it. - Australia - Perth

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

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By silvernights21 - United States

Today, as I was finishing running a mile, my entire class begun to cheer me on. I felt happy since I don't have many friends. Only when I got closer did I realize that they were cheering for the girl behind me, and in fact, not one person was cheering for me. FML

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By bennyp77 - United States

Today, I was at a tennis match and it was really hot. I took off my shirt to cool down. A member of the staff then tapped me on the shoulder and told me that my "bare breasts might offend someone." I'm a man. FML

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By Mr_poole - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

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By GogurtBadass - United States - Olympia

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

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By mama75 - United States

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 20:00

Mommy's bravest little boy

Today, my boyfriend of 9 months asked me to park in a parallel street from where he lives when dropping him off. Why? Because his mom might see me. He's 32. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, an old lady wearing a low-cut shirt with no bra underneath came into my line with some groceries. At some point while bagging her groceries, her wrinkled breast slipped out of her shirt. She didn't even notice. I wish to fuck I could unsee this. FML

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By taiannalynn5

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the bed, when he started to tickle me. I tried to pull away but he pushed me back down. I ended up hitting my eye on the corner of the nightstand. His comment was "this is why you shouldn't struggle." FML

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By oldskoolfun - United States - Warminster

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

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By sourcandy013 - United States

Today, my 11 year old sister deleted me off Facebook because I'm not "cool enough" to be seen on her profile. FML

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By pointlessperson - Canada

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By deathparty352

Unpleasant, but clean

Today, I'd had enough of the excrement sticking in my butt hair. Now that I'm shaved, I feel my buttocks rubbing together. With every step. FML

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By dpl - United States

Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the bakery I work at. A man came in to pick up a cake he said he ordered, but we could find neither the cake nor the order form. He yelled at me about being 'incompetent' before remembering that he had ordered the cake from a different bakery. FML

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By couldntholdit - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

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By foreverashamed - Canada

Today, my father decided that since I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, he would buy me a book on how to talk to girls. The book is written by a 9-year-old kid. FML

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By jnr1234 - United States - Princeton

Today, I was sent a letter by the vet, saying my cat was late for her yearly checkup. My cat died last week and I'd had her cremated by the same people who had sent the letter. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Nora

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By HouseMdFangirl - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my best friend. While waiting for it to start, I went on to describe this guy I really liked and how badly I wanted to do him. Just then the girl sitting behind us leans down and says "That's my little brother. So you're the creeper he talks about." FML

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By misTreated - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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Top comments

By LappDance | 16

#5685699 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Would that be considered a shit and run?

By JellyBalls | 18

#5685693 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Your sister?

COMMENTS

By JellyBalls | 18

#5685693 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Your sister?

Reply

AbstraktThoughts | 13

#5685697 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

No shit.

Reply

JellyBalls | 18

#5685701 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Does sarcasm not ship to your area?

Reply

Sea_shelle | 12

#5685702 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:06

Nice process of elimination, there

Reply

JellyBalls | 18

#5685711 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:10

Unless you were you being punny...

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5685815 - Monday 23 September 2013 11:13

#3, may want to read more carefully next time!

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5686031 - Monday 23 September 2013 15:42

Thats not sarcasm... at all. An example of sarcasm would be,"Your sister seems like an awesome person!"

Reply

simplysarcastics | 25

#5686109 - Monday 23 September 2013 16:35

He was answering op's question. Where he said guess who had to leave. He said your sister which was being sarcastic. It was funny to me #1

Reply

simplysarcastics | 25

#5686112 - Monday 23 September 2013 16:38

Me myself I would have blocked the door and told her ass, she's not going anywhere until she cleans that shit up. Sister or no sister thats bad parenting, and being a bad sibling as well.

By rykothechubby | 5

#5685694 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Bitch.

Reply

TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5685714 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:14

True, the solution, however, is simple; scoop it up, place it into a box, and mail it to her. It should have a very nice odor by the time it arrives.

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5685818 - Monday 23 September 2013 11:14

Not unless that kid had the shits... Scooping shit up isn't always in solids.

Reply

Jiplo | 18

#5936201 - Tuesday 6 May 2014 5:06

It is also important to make her pay for damages. White rugs don't tend to go well with "color."

By LappDance | 16

#5685699 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Would that be considered a shit and run?

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#5685717 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:17

most definitely. I true shitty situation.

Reply

tman1985 | 9

#5686359 - Monday 23 September 2013 19:51

ITS A CRAP!!!!!

By Rah_Charles | 14

#5685700 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Such a cruel thing /:

By VectorFields | 9

#5685703 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:07

She just forgot to buy a souvenir for you, so she made one on the spot. At least, you know this one comes from the deepness of her child's love for you.

Reply

thrifting | 18

#5685766 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:45

Or the deepness of her child's butthole

Reply

JonDG | 12

#5686213 - Monday 23 September 2013 18:30

how come you get + but they get -?

Reply

VectorFields | 9

#5686883 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 1:29

Well, that was the point, #28...

By SexyGamerNerd110 | 8

#5685704 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:08

Well that sounded like a shitty visit

Reply

jasmine2301 | 25

#5686989 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 3:06

Great. Please God no. Atleast I haven't seen 'That's a shitty situation,' yet.

By rykothechubby | 5

#5685706 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:08

I think you mean, ex-sister.

Reply

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5688894 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 11:35

Nothing to disown her for but id be pissed at her for a while.

Reply

rykothechubby | 5

#5695286 - Monday 30 September 2013 0:37

It's a joke based on a popular comment made in FML's.

By tacojauns | 45

#5685707 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:09

*Sassy black girl voice* "Ohhhh hell nooooo"

By castleofg1ass | 19

#5685708 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:09

Guess who's never getting an invitation back to your house... Ever

By QueenJay81 | 12

#5685710 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:10

That was so inconsiderate of ur sis