Kids: Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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Triage

Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glance over and see my brother's hot friend who I've been secretly in love with forever. He waved to me, and excitedly I waved back. I then hear my mom say "You're gonna die when you see how bad you look right now." FML

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By beyondembarrassed - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

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By mickymoose1 - 19/7/2020 02:02

Stinky

Today, my dog decided to play with a skunk. Today is also the day I figured out that no matter how much you wash everything that's come in contact with the smell, it will never go away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deerfield Beach

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

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By loves the smell of burning flesh - United States

Today, I drove past a fragrant steakhouse and my mouth began to water and my stomach started rumbling, which would've been perfectly fine if it wasn't for the fact that I'm a vegan and an animal lover. My confused body craves burning flesh. FML

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By longdrive - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By Turdfoot - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

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By got any coupons? - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went downtown with my friends. A group of guys came up to us and started hitting on everyone but me. Then, one of them said: "Do you girls hang out with her to make yourselves look better?" FML

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By Nico - France

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I realized I have erectile dysfunction while drunk, and premature ejaculation while sober. FML

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By Sad - United States

Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML

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By Chris - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

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By Indiana - Canada

Today, I was getting off the bus, when these two guys behind me started commenting on my bag, oblivious to the fact that I could hear them say, "Look at his ugly man-purse," and "It that looks like the satchel that Indiana Jones has". I'm a girl. Who is planning majoring in fashion studies. FML

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By Suomynona - Germany - Hamburg

Today, I felt lousy and decided to give myself a pep-talk in the mirror. After a while, I cheered up and went about my day. I soon found out that my sister had recorded me through the crack of my door and posted the video on Facebook. I'm humiliated. FML

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By mental - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

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By Lexy

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

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By stanDman - Canada

Today, I sprayed hair spray under my arms instead of anti-perspirant. I didn't realize it until I went to put my shirt on and couldn't raise my arms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iola

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

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By mamagelmane - France - Vervezelle

Today, my husband jolted in bed and while still half-asleep said, "I had a nightmare; I dreamt we had a kid." I'm 8 months pregnant. FML

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By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Narcissist

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

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By badmom

Today, I was told that I was a terrible mother, I was ruining my daughter’s life and that I was raising her to be promiscuous. Why? Because I'd painted my 2-year-old’s fingernails. FML

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By whatdidIdo - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with a girl I really liked. She started crying when an overweight family walked in and loudly sobbed about how the parents were "murdering" their children. This made the father of that family try to fight me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

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By lonely - Canada - Granby

Saturday Night Fever-ish

Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

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By yamuda - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my dad peeing into a cup. We made eye contact and he quickly threw the cup into the sink. Not one word has been spoken about what happened, and I saw my mom use the same cup later on that day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

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By GiraffeLover - Australia

Today, my 17 year old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he over heated, but he still won't take it off. FML

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By almost

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

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By frenchpop1960 - United States

Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML

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By ohdeargodthatswrong - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

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By blank - United States

Today, my girlfriend left for basic training. I went to say goodbye to her at the airport. Only after I walked back to my car did I realize that she still had the keys. My extra set was back at the house, locked in. FML

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By Phantommajik - United States

Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. Afterwards, she informed me I would look a lot hotter if I smiled more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drama abounds

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML

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By Karaline45

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

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Top comments

By LappDance | 16

#5685699 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Would that be considered a shit and run?

By JellyBalls | 18

#5685693 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Your sister?

COMMENTS

By JellyBalls | 18

#5685693 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Your sister?

Reply

AbstraktThoughts | 13

#5685697 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

No shit.

Reply

JellyBalls | 18

#5685701 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Does sarcasm not ship to your area?

Reply

Sea_shelle | 12

#5685702 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:06

Nice process of elimination, there

Reply

JellyBalls | 18

#5685711 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:10

Unless you were you being punny...

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5685815 - Monday 23 September 2013 11:13

#3, may want to read more carefully next time!

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5686031 - Monday 23 September 2013 15:42

Thats not sarcasm... at all. An example of sarcasm would be,"Your sister seems like an awesome person!"

Reply

simplysarcastics | 26

#5686109 - Monday 23 September 2013 16:35

He was answering op's question. Where he said guess who had to leave. He said your sister which was being sarcastic. It was funny to me #1

Reply

simplysarcastics | 26

#5686112 - Monday 23 September 2013 16:38

Me myself I would have blocked the door and told her ass, she's not going anywhere until she cleans that shit up. Sister or no sister thats bad parenting, and being a bad sibling as well.

By rykothechubby | 5

#5685694 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Bitch.

Reply

TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5685714 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:14

True, the solution, however, is simple; scoop it up, place it into a box, and mail it to her. It should have a very nice odor by the time it arrives.

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5685818 - Monday 23 September 2013 11:14

Not unless that kid had the shits... Scooping shit up isn't always in solids.

Reply

Jiplo | 18

#5936201 - Tuesday 6 May 2014 5:06

It is also important to make her pay for damages. White rugs don't tend to go well with "color."

By LappDance | 16

#5685699 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Would that be considered a shit and run?

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#5685717 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:17

most definitely. I true shitty situation.

Reply

tman1985 | 9

#5686359 - Monday 23 September 2013 19:51

ITS A CRAP!!!!!

By Rah_Charles | 14

#5685700 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Such a cruel thing /:

By VectorFields | 9

#5685703 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:07

She just forgot to buy a souvenir for you, so she made one on the spot. At least, you know this one comes from the deepness of her child's love for you.

Reply

thrifting | 18

#5685766 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:45

Or the deepness of her child's butthole

Reply

JonDG | 12

#5686213 - Monday 23 September 2013 18:30

how come you get + but they get -?

Reply

VectorFields | 9

#5686883 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 1:29

Well, that was the point, #28...

By SexyGamerNerd110 | 8

#5685704 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:08

Well that sounded like a shitty visit

Reply

jasmine2301 | 25

#5686989 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 3:06

Great. Please God no. Atleast I haven't seen 'That's a shitty situation,' yet.

By rykothechubby | 5

#5685706 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:08

I think you mean, ex-sister.

Reply

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5688894 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 11:35

Nothing to disown her for but id be pissed at her for a while.

Reply

rykothechubby | 5

#5695286 - Monday 30 September 2013 0:37

It's a joke based on a popular comment made in FML's.

By tacojauns | 45

#5685707 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:09

*Sassy black girl voice* "Ohhhh hell nooooo"

By castleofg1ass | 19

#5685708 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:09

Guess who's never getting an invitation back to your house... Ever

By QueenJay81 | 12

#5685710 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:10

That was so inconsiderate of ur sis