Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/9/2013 00:08 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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Whatthefuckaburger

Assumptions

Night terrors

By Frenchie - 12/9/2013 21:24 - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

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By OhFseriously123 - 6/8/2009 10:05 - Italy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML

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By Sam - 1/4/2015 11:37 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, my colleagues were excitedly talking about going for drinks after work. I heard one of them ask, Is Sam coming?' and shortly after leave without me. I'm Sam. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - 13/11/2012 07:36 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By drunkluv - 12/4/2011 02:58 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend openly admitted to me that she wouldn't have gone out with me if she hadn't been drunk. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2016 00:34 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I went to a trampoline park and jumped into an adult-area foam pit that apparently used to be for children. I guess it never occurred to them to change the depth of it, as I now have a fractured ankle. FML

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By Tired - 25/12/2018 12:00

Today, was my first day off in almost a month. My husband and I spent all morning arguing then he left to his job saying he won't be back tonight. Apparently I'm being neglectful because I don't have the energy for sex after being the only one working FT, cooking, cleaning, and running errands. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 14:00

Shocking reaction

Today, I was replacing some outlets for work and I got surprise-electrified. I threw my wire strippers in the air while yelling, "Oh fuck me." The homeowner and his 2 kids were standing 3 feet away. He was not happy. FML

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By criley - 24/6/2014 01:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

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By forest killer girl - 14/9/2017 16:00

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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By Dan - 9/10/2017 04:30

John Tucker would've known what to do.

Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML

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By suze44 - 13/6/2011 14:22 - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, my cute coworker begged me to cover his shift tomorrow, and told me that he wanted to take me to dinner to make up for it. I was very excited because I've been crushing on him for a long time. I later overheard him tell his friend that he didn't plan on showing up for our dinner. FML

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By notaslut - 8/1/2020 22:00 - United States - Greeley

Stay safe

Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML

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By snickerdoodles - 8/1/2010 06:30 - France

Today, I was sparring with a guy in my Tae Kwon Do class. He had a hard-on the entire time we were sparring. FML

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By soaked - 25/2/2013 19:16 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was babysitting, and I had to pee really, really badly. I couldn't figure out how to get the stupid toilet lock off, and ended up pissing myself. As I stood in the bathroom in tears, their child screamed, "No, no, pee-pee in the POTTY!" FML

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By - 18/1/2020 05:00

Very frustrating

Today my Assistant Manager decided to pull a prank on me by walking up behind me and screaming my name. I screamed in terror and then swung around and punched him full force dead center in the chest right in front of my supervisor, manager, and several other employees. FML

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By PleaseDontBeSerious - 4/11/2012 05:30 - Canada

Today, my daughter brought home her new boyfriend. He has a neck tattoo, and his life's dream is to be a professional "beer pong" player. FML

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By Bontempi - 19/7/2012 18:55 - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 23:15

Clever girl.

Today, I made a cup of coffee for a lovely old lady on the dementia ward. She asked for quite a lot of sugar in her drink, but I didn't question it. The moment I gave her the coffee, she threw it all over me. While scalding my skin, it also stuck to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2011 07:06 - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

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By sissydlk - 2/12/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

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By angelsaredicks - 11/9/2015 13:55 - United States - Morgantown

Today, I gave blood for the first time, since I'm a universal donor. After it was done, I passed out, woke up, puked, and passed out again. The kind nurses told me I was the worst case they had seen all week. So much for doing something to help others. FML

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By bigmouth - 14/3/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I met a really nice couple at a bar. We talked and the conversation eventually drifted towards online dating. I casually commented that hooking up through the internet was sad and pathetic. Turns out they met on Myspace. FML

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By Girl123999 - 4/3/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By sadsadboy - 7/9/2015 21:20 - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

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By epictothemax - 10/3/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue piercing and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin says "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2013 05:20 - United States

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I made a patient really happy. I work in a long term care facility and was changing a woman's diaper. While cleaning her, I somehow managed to give her an orgasm with a warm wash cloth. FML

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By flaps - 19/8/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

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By single&alone - 6/3/2015 20:44 - United States - Seattle

Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny tard like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2009 11:08 - Iraq

Today, I was at work, finishing a presentation for my boss. Five minutes after I presented it to him, his boss walked in and asked for the same presentation I had just given. My boss presented it. His boss then turned to me and asked me "what use are you around here?" FML

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By o_O - 23/6/2013 17:26 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I took my cat to the vet. The creepy vet looked me in the eyes and said, "This isn't the only pussy I'll be checking out today." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 05:14 - United States - Asheboro

Today, I received an email from my professor asking me not to jump ahead on assignments as it makes the other students look bad. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I was in my car studying on the campus parking lot. It was cold outside so I had the windows up. I had a severe upset stomach and was privately drowning in my own flatulence. Moments later, my crush knocks on the window to ask me something. I had to roll the windows down. FML

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By bobuhbeartoe - 24/8/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, while showering, I finished off the shampoo bottle. I decided to see if I could shoot it into the trash can over the shower curtain. When I heard the successful "thunk", I got so excited I slipped and cracked my head open. FML

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By phuckbukket7 - 27/4/2014 22:08 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant for her birthday. I'd arranged beforehand for some of the staff to come out and sing happy birthday to her, but it all backfired when she started panicking and had a serious anxiety attack from all the attention. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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Top comments

By LappDance | 16

#5685699 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Would that be considered a shit and run?

By JellyBalls | 18

#5685693 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Your sister?

COMMENTS

By JellyBalls | 18

#5685693 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Your sister?

Reply

AbstraktThoughts | 13

#5685697 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

No shit.

Reply

JellyBalls | 18

#5685701 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Does sarcasm not ship to your area?

Reply

Sea_shelle | 12

#5685702 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:06

Nice process of elimination, there

Reply

JellyBalls | 18

#5685711 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:10

Unless you were you being punny...

Reply

fsomelife | 26

#5685815 - Monday 23 September 2013 11:13

#3, may want to read more carefully next time!

Reply

Ian7890 | 23

#5686031 - Monday 23 September 2013 15:42

Thats not sarcasm... at all. An example of sarcasm would be,"Your sister seems like an awesome person!"

Reply

simplysarcastics | 25

#5686109 - Monday 23 September 2013 16:35

He was answering op's question. Where he said guess who had to leave. He said your sister which was being sarcastic. It was funny to me #1

Reply

simplysarcastics | 25

#5686112 - Monday 23 September 2013 16:38

Me myself I would have blocked the door and told her ass, she's not going anywhere until she cleans that shit up. Sister or no sister thats bad parenting, and being a bad sibling as well.

By rykothechubby | 5

#5685694 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:03

Bitch.

Reply

TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5685714 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:14

True, the solution, however, is simple; scoop it up, place it into a box, and mail it to her. It should have a very nice odor by the time it arrives.

Reply

Cazz91 | 21

#5685818 - Monday 23 September 2013 11:14

Not unless that kid had the shits... Scooping shit up isn't always in solids.

Reply

Jiplo | 18

#5936201 - Tuesday 6 May 2014 5:06

It is also important to make her pay for damages. White rugs don't tend to go well with "color."

By LappDance | 16

#5685699 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Would that be considered a shit and run?

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#5685717 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:17

most definitely. I true shitty situation.

Reply

tman1985 | 9

#5686359 - Monday 23 September 2013 19:51

ITS A CRAP!!!!!

By Rah_Charles | 14

#5685700 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:05

Such a cruel thing /:

By VectorFields | 9

#5685703 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:07

She just forgot to buy a souvenir for you, so she made one on the spot. At least, you know this one comes from the deepness of her child's love for you.

Reply

thrifting | 18

#5685766 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:45

Or the deepness of her child's butthole

Reply

JonDG | 12

#5686213 - Monday 23 September 2013 18:30

how come you get + but they get -?

Reply

VectorFields | 9

#5686883 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 1:29

Well, that was the point, #28...

By SexyGamerNerd110 | 8

#5685704 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:08

Well that sounded like a shitty visit

Reply

jasmine2301 | 25

#5686989 - Tuesday 24 September 2013 3:06

Great. Please God no. Atleast I haven't seen 'That's a shitty situation,' yet.

By rykothechubby | 5

#5685706 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:08

I think you mean, ex-sister.

Reply

Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5688894 - Wednesday 25 September 2013 11:35

Nothing to disown her for but id be pissed at her for a while.

Reply

rykothechubby | 5

#5695286 - Monday 30 September 2013 0:37

It's a joke based on a popular comment made in FML's.

By tacojauns | 45

#5685707 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:09

*Sassy black girl voice* "Ohhhh hell nooooo"

By castleofg1ass | 19

#5685708 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:09

Guess who's never getting an invitation back to your house... Ever

By QueenJay81 | 12

#5685710 - Monday 23 September 2013 9:10

That was so inconsiderate of ur sis