Miscellaneous: Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed...

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 08:51 - Australia - Donvale

Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 574

You deserved it 5 723

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Sudarsky's gas giant classification

Too much meat on my hands

By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 20:09 - United States

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 302

You deserved it 3 025

By mia - 29/12/2016 22:35 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 495

You deserved it 903

By Anonymous - 23/11/2013 21:57 - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 675

You deserved it 4 823

By Anonymous - 10/03/2010 21:12 - United States

Today, after taking my girlfriend on a date, she invited me back to her place for "hot coffee and dessert". Excitedly, I said yes. When we got there, we actually had coffee and dessert. When I told her this wasn't what I'd had in mind, she kicked me out for being a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 117

You deserved it 67 837

Panic on the streets of…

By Anstice - 05/10/2009 03:07 - United States

Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 566

You deserved it 15 469

By please stay on the line - 07/05/2017 04:00

Today, I was sitting in the break room when my boss came in and yelled at me about a mistake. Because I've worked in customer service for years, I instinctively responded with, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you'll still consider us in the future." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 802

You deserved it 872

By Mikey - 26/04/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 404

You deserved it 8 689

Facebook science major

By Anonymous - 29/10/2021 20:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for still having a disability at the age of 30, because I should have "grown out of it by now." Then she blamed it on the fact that I got my COVID-19 vaccine. Autism isn't caused by vaccines and it's never going to go away, no matter how old I get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 83

By Dezzy - 03/11/2014 19:06 - United States - Springfield

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend a surprise striptease. After I turned around, I heard him murmur "Oh, wow." I turned back around, only to find him watching a gif of a cat falling into snow in slow motion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 133

You deserved it 4 916

By Anonymous - 11/06/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 519

You deserved it 8 135

By Anonymous - 04/08/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 498

You deserved it 39 353

By anonymous - 31/10/2011 19:11 - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 368

You deserved it 3 711

By unemployed - 18/10/2016 00:05 - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 422

You deserved it 762

By Ethan - 17/10/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 031

You deserved it 2 387

By KismetSiren - 23/11/2016 10:30 - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 717

You deserved it 655

By Coley - 29/01/2009 22:46 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to talk about my depression and low self-esteem. He told me that I shouldn't think of myself as a fat pig for being overweight. I don't think that and I'm NOT overweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 889

You deserved it 3 607

By -- - 04/09/2011 16:42 - Canada

Today, at my dental practice, we received a shipment of the stupid flavoured gloves my boss ordered to make the place more "friendly to the kids". I started working in an adult patient's mouth, when he decided to start creepily making out with my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 544

You deserved it 3 046

By Anonymous - 02/11/2018 12:00

Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 479

You deserved it 543

By CircleBruise - 08/06/2010 23:58 - United States

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 355

You deserved it 5 860

Cemetery Gates

By KateHGW - 09/06/2021 00:01

Today, I handed in an internship assignment that I have been working on for months. Once submitted, a pop-up showed, stating the assignment was 100% plagiarized. What was it plagiarized from? A student paper. My own, to be more specific - the exact same paper I had uploaded seconds before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 58

Official meeting

By Anonymous - 03/01/2020 18:33

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 548

You deserved it 192

By KenzFell - 05/06/2012 07:27 - Canada - Calgary

Today, while I was on stage dancing for a competition dress rehearsal, my top fell off, exposing my breasts. I was really embarrassed, but fortunately no one said anything about it. That is until a kid in the audience came up to me and said, "That was a disappointment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 116

You deserved it 3 036

By tallvet - 22/03/2018 19:00

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 886

You deserved it 283

By lovemyteacher - 14/11/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I got my science test back. I thought I did a horrible job on it, but only three were circled. I was happy but doubtful that I did so well, so I asked my teacher just to make sure. He said it was faster to circle the correct answers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 596

You deserved it 29 526

By alix - 24/08/2012 15:45 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 238

You deserved it 3 079

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 20:00

Today, a girl came up to me on a club dance floor and said, “Shut up and dance with me,” like the song lyrics, only I fell over on her while dancing, and she dislocated her ankle. I don’t think this woman is gonna be my destiny after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 669

You deserved it 301

By khaoslife - 18/04/2015 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 147

You deserved it 2 333

By Username - 09/03/2011 10:04

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 017

You deserved it 6 184

By boobmilk - 08/03/2018 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 833

You deserved it 304

By LovesHisHand - 20/09/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 812

You deserved it 9 899

By David - 08/11/2012 05:43 - United States - Seattle

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 681

You deserved it 2 116

By Diana - 13/08/2010 01:06 - United States

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 532

You deserved it 8 201

By Chris - 12/08/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when a Toy Story 3 commercial came on. My Mom said, "Oh, I remember when I took you to see Toy Story. Now Andy's all grown up and so are you. The only difference is Andy is going to college and you're not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 166

You deserved it 46 021

By Hover Hand - 21/11/2012 02:37 - United States - Merchantville

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 127

You deserved it 22 900

By abbacjt - 16/01/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I sent my sister a text about how fat I was becoming and looking as disgusting as my ex husband. When I checked to see if she had received it I saw that I had accidentally sent it to my ex father in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 747

You deserved it 26 590

By WhitneyHouston - 06/07/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 15 273

By really? - 23/09/2013 02:24 - United States

Today, I texted my girlfriend to tell her that we couldn't hang out because my dog died this morning and we were burying him. She replied that she wasn't going to get stood up by a stupid dog. She then broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 944

You deserved it 4 387

Fun fun fun

By Rachel - 27/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Today, I spent my entire day building various zoos in Zoo Tycoon, and then releasing all of the animals to see them chase people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 758

By Anonymous - 13/01/2014 19:48 - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 844

You deserved it 12 643

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 22:00

Today, I was mauled by my own dog. I own a Chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 1 146

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Top comments

Xiktyr 5

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Thursday 12 December 2013 15:57

Uhh.. switch rooms, man.

jayray313 21

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:00

Sounds like your roommate has a crush on you. He only acts on it when the alcohol lowers his inhibitions.

Xiktyr 5

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Thursday 12 December 2013 15:57

Uhh.. switch rooms, man.

suplarai 12

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:26

Ya find a new flat mate, this guy sound weird

deaper 15

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:35

Yeah. If it's not the first time this has happened, then ydi for not moving the heck out the first time!

synsam 4

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Thursday 12 December 2013 20:49

ya and writers are supposed to live alone in a castle, have huge beards and complain about the industry they work in...or that could just be Alan Moore.

ClassyCataclasis 4

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Thursday 12 December 2013 20:49

unless you secretly enjoy it.

Zazoo1995 23

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Thursday 12 December 2013 21:20

Gay or straight, I don't appreciate people who don't respect boundaries. Even when I was in the locker rooms in high school for gym, I was cool with all the guys because I didn't look/gawk at any of them. They did their business and I did mine.. They don't need their privacy violated. But of course I would check them out in the hallways because... That's fair game ;)

9gagnFml 8

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Friday 13 December 2013 3:39

Totally agree!

Bradley_Dillon 39

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Thursday 12 December 2013 15:58

He sounds like an enjoyable person.

Opheliae 22

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:02

Maybe OP does enjoy it...

Bradley_Dillon 39

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:07

I'd enjoy it. Especially if I was him....

Opheliae 22

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:29

Hey man, nothing wrong with a little TLC.

Opheliae 22

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Thursday 12 December 2013 15:58

Perhaps a padlock on the liquor cabinet is in order.

Welshite 39

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:09

That is hardly going to stop him from buying more and getting drunk.

Opheliae 22

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:26

Then if I were OP, I'd padlock my bedroom door.

vipirius 18

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Thursday 12 December 2013 17:24

13. Unless he's broke, which he could be if he's a writer struggling to get published.

KingreX32 21

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Sunday 15 December 2013 13:55

agreed

thedeadmen 14

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Thursday 12 December 2013 15:58

Kick his ass

Kyuzomi 12

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:19

For getting drunk...? That's a bit over the top don't you think...?

allie2590 30

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:53

No, for making OP spoon with him.

thedeadmen 14

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Thursday 12 December 2013 17:23

No not for getting drunk , for making op spoon him or her

cakefete2 30

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Thursday 12 December 2013 18:48

I wonder what gender OP is? If only there were a sign. Oh wait...

jayray313 21

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:00

Sounds like your roommate has a crush on you. He only acts on it when the alcohol lowers his inhibitions.

UnicornFarts 15

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:31

Sounds more like he uses alcohol as an excuse. Then later on he could say it was the alcohol.

Kiki242 19

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:00

Push him out of the bed.

NotAddictive 6

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Thursday 12 December 2013 21:18

Oh the bed they weren't on? okay.

SexiChula91 3

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Friday 13 December 2013 1:46

spooning does usually involve laying in a bed.

BrookieAnn 19

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:01

Two words. New Roommate. Probably better sooner than later...

traumamedic3 9

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:02

Looks like we got another one with mommy issues.

onlychildFTW 33

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Thursday 12 December 2013 17:36

Since when do guys ask to spoon with their moms?

traumamedic3 9

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Thursday 12 December 2013 17:56

Since when do grown ass men sob and asked to be spooned? I reiterate, mommy issues!

NotAddictive 6

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Thursday 12 December 2013 21:24

So...you are just making a gay joke or..?

ItsMeDiegoG 8

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:04

I think it's time to get a new roommate

Rainhawk94 27

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Thursday 12 December 2013 16:05

Get him a stuffed animal so he can spoon that

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 4

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 665

You deserved it 92

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 161

Panic on the streets of…

Facebook science major

Cemetery Gates

Official meeting

Fun fun fun

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

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