Love: Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing...

By stupid drunk bitch - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Fuck the patriarchy

By youredisgusting - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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33966

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By rhya4n - Denmark - Herlev

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

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By not picking up - Slovenia - Zelimlje

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

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By Ep1cF4ce - United States

Today, I was sleeping like a baby on our living room couch. My older brother and his friends lit my slippers on fire. While I was wearing them. They even took a video. FML

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By Julianapilikusplatosophophes - Australia - Kew

Today, at 3 in the morning, I was getting out of bed to use the bathroom, when my boyfriend grabbed my arm, looked at me wide-eyed and begged, "Don't... They'll take your skin..." He doesn't remember saying it, and now I'm scared shitless to use the bathroom at night. FML

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30782

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By santabelly

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

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By lovely - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

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53987

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

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By Scottie Too Hottie - United States - Pontiac

Today, I waved money at a passing ice cream truck and it kept going. So apparently I can't even get a date with a Sno Cone. FML

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By gravycoveredblackberry - United States

Today, I had my new Blackberry Curve sitting on my lunch tray. Unthinkingly, i tossed it into the garbage can. 10 minutes later i realized I had thrown it away and spent the next hour searching through six garbage cans of half-eaten food. FML

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By Disappointed - 4/9/2020 20:08 - Austria

Quickie

Today, my 6-minute-long-shower lasted 3 times as long as the sex prior to it. Including foreplay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

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By Lee - United States

Today, we spread my uncle's ashes at my grandparent's house. We were on a hill overlooking a sunset. It was a beautiful ceremony... until the winds changed direction. Our whole family wound up covered in my Uncle. He's still stuck in my hair. FML

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54729

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By brows - United States

Today, I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a korean salon. I have never been there before and it's hard to understand their accents. The women asked me if I wanted "them all off". Not fully understanding what she said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML

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21879

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By december2009 - United States

Today, I woke up to realize that the guy who took my virginity last night also took my flat screen TV. FML

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29713

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By Cslouth - United States - Rochester

Today, it's the five year anniversary of the day I broke up with my girlfriend to see other people. I've not had sex a single time since. FML

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14801

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By E or - United States

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

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12844

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40140

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By jerkgirl - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

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10716

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while snow plowing I accidentally ran over my kid's basketball. I told him what had happened and he responded by spilling his ant farm into my underwear drawer. FML

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33830

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By Enni

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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17563

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By fml - United States

Today, I got fired from my job. I worked for my parents. FML

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41245

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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13032

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By MollyMo - United States

Today, my parents saw my report card. Now, they refuse to buy me my the new computer I've always wanted because my grades had 'slipped'. I made honor roll for three terms, and was kept off for the fourth for a single bad grade. I failed gym. FML

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By Go_There - 26/10/2020 02:01 - United States - Madison

Cake, eating it…

Today, I'm in an open marriage and had to admit to myself that I caught feels for my "friend with benefits" who was only interested in the "benefits" part and I had to break it off. I already miss the sex. FML

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362

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By DoseyGit

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

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4019

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

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By scarred_sibling - United States

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

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39268

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By girly - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

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By abbiexo97

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

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1685

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By "7thwardlord"

Today, I decided to be nice and "drop" a twenty in my grandma's house for her to find. She injured her back while picking it up. FML

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3873

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By kylie - United States

Today, my boyfriend texted me, and asked if he could come over to 'have some fun'. Thinking we were going to do it, I freshened up. Turns out his idea of 'having some fun' is playing Doodle Jump and Angry Birds on my iPod. For three hours. FML

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34272

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By not funny but :( - United States - Wooster

Today, while on vacation, I think I met my soul-mate, and quite possibly the love of my life. My vacation is to celebrate my 8-year anniversary with my husband. FML

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23163

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By Bad Mum? - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my eldest son told me he wishes he lived with his dad. This after I, two years ago, managed to get myself and my children out of the abusive situation we were in. Why? He didn't want to tidy his toys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

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22633

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By Samipearl - United States

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

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29392

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, two guys broke into my apartment to rob me at gunpoint. While I was wanking. FML

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65031

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By Master's_degree_in_failure - 17/10/2020 22:30

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Today, I "answered" an email instead of "forwarding" it. As a result, there is a chance that my Master's thesis supervisor gets a message from me starting by the F-word, and complaining about my bad work and inability to understand a deadline. FML

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320

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By Moon_Glade

Today, at work, I have discovered the wonderful feeling of having a paper cut, with metal, under your nail, on all your nails. FML

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3886

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By missinformed

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

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4606

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By Homeless - United States

Today, I got back to my apartment from being away for the past week on Spring break. I found the locks on my apartment changed and all my things on the curb, many of them broken or stolen. I ran to the leasing office to see what had happened. Turns out it was an accounting error on their part. FML

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Top comments

By Subcontinent | 14

#6544803 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:21

The fact that you drank half a bottle of vodka suggests you were kinda bothered

By jerseygirl94 | 11

#6544807 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:29

Seems like sober you had a problem and drunk you was just you way of expressing it.

COMMENTS

By Subcontinent | 14

#6544803 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:21

The fact that you drank half a bottle of vodka suggests you were kinda bothered

Dave_Davington | 33

#6544891 - Thursday 25 February 2016 9:57

I think she was already drunk when it happened. She drunk half a bottle of vodka on top everything else she'd had up to that point.

shanson | 22

#6545470 - Friday 26 February 2016 4:34

Or she could be in college where that's a normal night

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6545792 - Friday 26 February 2016 15:24

If drinking half a bottle of Vodka a night is "normal" for you, you've got some problems.

By A07 | 48

#6544805 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:24

And don't forget that you have to get a picture frame to cover the hole in the wall too

thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6544824 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:40

Just not of them making out

mariri9206 | 32

#6544830 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:02

Just a drawing would do, too, like on friends.

By jerseygirl94 | 11

#6544807 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:29

Seems like sober you had a problem and drunk you was just you way of expressing it.

By tranced_ | 44

#6544809 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:30

what thing?!

capnbzarr | 43

#6545182 - Thursday 25 February 2016 18:58

Since you're apparently not a native English speaker, I'll explain: Having "a thing" for somebody is another way of saying you have "a crush on" somebody--in other words, being attracted to somebody.

cIouds | 15

#6546608 - Saturday 27 February 2016 12:53

#28 I like people like you. Because instead of blatantly insulting the individual for not knowing a certain concept (as if expecting EVERYONE to know English), you just cleared things out.

By davek | 36

#6544810 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:31

I plead the fifth. The fifth of vodka.

By kyu_Q | 19

#6544813 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:32

the drunk usually says or does what the sober persons feels and thinks. You should try processing things while sober.

By renrioku | 15

#6544818 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:37

That poor wall... FYL OP, but I think it bothered you more than you think for you to have drank half a bottle of vodka.

By watermelon15 | 35

#6544820 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:39

Don't drink and feel. Very dangerous

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6544835 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:07

We all do unflattering things when alcohol comes into the equation. Just take it for what it was and hopefully you won't react that way if something similar happens in the future.

By Tyrez | 32

#6544837 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:09

I think you cared more than you realize.