Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing...

By stupid drunk bitch - 24/2/2016 18:37 - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

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Love

Season finale

Sister of the year

This ain't working out

By Raela - 4/1/2013 16:59 - United States - Fort Lee

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 20:00

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

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By living_thedream - 14/1/2013 06:51 - United States - Bethpage

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML

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By kkkk - 31/1/2011 15:44

Today, the company I applied for called up congratulating me in getting the job. I was ecstatic. Quickly enough I texted a few mates that I'd got the job. Twenty minutes later they called again saying the trainee had accidentally called the wrong applicant. FML

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By brows - 3/3/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a korean salon. I have never been there before and it's hard to understand their accents. The women asked me if I wanted "them all off". Not fully understanding what she said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 15:30 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I went with a couple of my friends to see a friend who's fallen very ill. Her dad walked in with a gun and demanded to know which of us had gotten his daughter pregnant. By the time I realized it was a joke, I'd already pissed myself. FML

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By ticked - 6/10/2009 13:01 - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

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By Girl With a Cold - 8/2/2012 18:46

Today, I was sick, so I emailed my co-workers with a list of my hours, asking if anyone would be willing to cover them for me. I only got one hour covered, and that was during a day I don't even work. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 05:30

Stay safe, stay home

Today, my professor gave me a huge lecture in front of the class about showing up sick, about how I was endangering the lives of other students, and kicked me out of class. As I left, everyone applauded. I'm not sick, but suffering for horrible allergies. FML

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By mastermind - 22/8/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

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By baldintheback - 15/8/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, my sister and I were reading the new FML posts. I sat close to the fan, and after a few minutes, I leaned against it for support. It immediatly sucked up my hair and started violently twisting it. My sister continued to read and shouted at me because my cries for help are distracting. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML

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By MarMar - 15/3/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy I met and in the middle of it his mother called him. After stopping to answer the phone, he tried to put me on with her because she didn't believe anyone would actually sleep with him. FML

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By potatoebee - 3/4/2012 18:19 - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 18:44 - United States

Today, while working as a carhop at Sonic, my roller skates ran over some gravel and I fell, causing me to drop a tray of food. I found out later that one of the customers had deliberately done that to see if I would trip. FML

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By Someone - 16/4/2014 00:20 - Canada - Windsor

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

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By all5fingers - 8/9/2011 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

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By killjoyx - 23/7/2015 18:28 - United States - Suffolk

Today, when I woke up, my dog excitedly came up to me and licked my face. A few minutes later, I find out he had thrown up twice before he licked my face. FML

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By gangstalicious - 8/5/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having it off more than me and my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 18:54 - United States - Goldendale

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

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By Disappointment - 26/5/2017 19:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each other in two years, I've gotten a few tattoos done since, and I knew they wouldn't approve, so I bought whole new outfits that covered everything and looked professional. When I got there, the first thing my mom says to me is, "Is that a nose ring!?" FML

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By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By COCKYmanUSC - 12/9/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by. The attackers used water guns. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2014 00:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my car being in the shop for over a day and with no updates from the dealership, I decided to pay them a visit. The place was almost empty, and they hadn't done any work on my car. But judging by the used condom on my back seat, somebody got their own oil checked. FML

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By anime_love - 17/9/2010 04:43 - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

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By anonymous - 9/9/2012 06:15 - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

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By Creeped - 27/9/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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By no - 25/6/2016 02:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 00:19 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

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By no salt, no burning, just STFU - 8/3/2015 14:41 - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

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By ringmaster101 - 4/3/2009 23:42 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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By Justin - 25/7/2020 20:00

Awwww, how sweet!

Today, after having a 3-day vacation and feeling a bit bummed that it was over, I got home to find a black widow watching her babies hatch in my office window. FML

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By wiseoldone - 3/2/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I am going to an event where I will be meeting quite a few people who will be excellent contacts in my future career. Since I wanted to make a good impression, I did the whole makeup and grooming thing before setting out, I accidentally removed about half my left eyebrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 07:01 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

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By I have wood - 16/9/2013 21:11 - United States - Stephenville

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

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By cgold - 30/4/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

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Top comments

By Subcontinent | 14

#6544803 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:21

The fact that you drank half a bottle of vodka suggests you were kinda bothered

By jerseygirl94 | 11

#6544807 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:29

Seems like sober you had a problem and drunk you was just you way of expressing it.

COMMENTS

By Subcontinent | 14

#6544803 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:21

The fact that you drank half a bottle of vodka suggests you were kinda bothered

Dave_Davington | 33

#6544891 - Thursday 25 February 2016 9:57

I think she was already drunk when it happened. She drunk half a bottle of vodka on top everything else she'd had up to that point.

shanson | 22

#6545470 - Friday 26 February 2016 4:34

Or she could be in college where that's a normal night

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6545792 - Friday 26 February 2016 15:24

If drinking half a bottle of Vodka a night is "normal" for you, you've got some problems.

By A07 | 48

#6544805 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:24

And don't forget that you have to get a picture frame to cover the hole in the wall too

thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6544824 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:40

Just not of them making out

mariri9206 | 32

#6544830 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:02

Just a drawing would do, too, like on friends.

By jerseygirl94 | 11

#6544807 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:29

Seems like sober you had a problem and drunk you was just you way of expressing it.

By tranced_ | 44

#6544809 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:30

what thing?!

capnbzarr | 43

#6545182 - Thursday 25 February 2016 18:58

Since you're apparently not a native English speaker, I'll explain: Having "a thing" for somebody is another way of saying you have "a crush on" somebody--in other words, being attracted to somebody.

cIouds | 15

#6546608 - Saturday 27 February 2016 12:53

#28 I like people like you. Because instead of blatantly insulting the individual for not knowing a certain concept (as if expecting EVERYONE to know English), you just cleared things out.

By davek | 36

#6544810 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:31

I plead the fifth. The fifth of vodka.

By kyu_Q | 19

#6544813 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:32

the drunk usually says or does what the sober persons feels and thinks. You should try processing things while sober.

By renrioku | 15

#6544818 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:37

That poor wall... FYL OP, but I think it bothered you more than you think for you to have drank half a bottle of vodka.

By watermelon15 | 35

#6544820 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:39

Don't drink and feel. Very dangerous

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6544835 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:07

We all do unflattering things when alcohol comes into the equation. Just take it for what it was and hopefully you won't react that way if something similar happens in the future.

By Tyrez | 32

#6544837 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:09

I think you cared more than you realize.