Love: Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing...

By stupid drunk bitch - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

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Love

There's no helping some people

Mother of the year

Ironic

By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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By really - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Envy

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 17:01 - Panama - Cuba

Send nudes

Today, my boyfriend said he regrets loving or even meeting me because of the distance between us, and because I won't send nudes. FML

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850

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 04:53

You sure it was your birthday?

Today, it was my birthday. My partner of 9 years, and father of my two children, bought me a set of headphones for him to use on the treadmill. Didn’t wrap them, didn’t say happy birthday to me, didn’t tell my kids it was my birthday and worked on the yard all day. FML

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By dont_shit_where_i_eat

Today, during the few free minutes I had while rushing between meetings, I grabbed a plain slice of pizza to go. I stepped outside, ready to eat and walk, when a friendly pigeon flew overhead and added a "free topping" to my slice. FML

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By newkid

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

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By Losamus

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

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By BeautifulDisastre - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

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By Slow Down - 29/10/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Close Zoom, quick sharp

Today, I had a first date via video, due to Covid. It was the first time a girl had asked me out, and she seemed very enthusiastic. Until she started to worry me by throwing in the L-word about 10 minutes in, and talking about our wedding. I've never even met this person in real life. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

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By armywife980

Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

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By denied - United States

Today, I was supposed to finally go out with my guy-friend that I have liked for a long time. He told me he would text me, and after waiting for hours for the text, I finally got it. It said, "Guess what!? I just got laid!" He forgot our date, had it off, and I congratulated him. FML

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54799

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By Anonymous

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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3275

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

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By Grosssss - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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13970

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By Tottie - United States

Today, by request from my new boss, I came into work over an hour early to finish some backed-up filing. This seemed like a great opportunity to earn some extra overtime pay. After spending an hour and half filing, I realized I hadn't clocked in for the day. FML

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By sucks2suck - United States

Today, I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend, I haven't seen them in months. They told me that was a bad idea and they couldnt fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn't have any yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Truckee

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got let go from my job, because my personal cell phone doesn't always have signal, so I missed an important call from work. My contract specifically said I'd get a work phone, which never happened. FML

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By Iamdisappointed - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

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By nokeys - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend after driving 200 miles to see him. While arguing, I told him I never wanted to see him again and left after slamming the front door. I left my car keys in his kitchen. FML

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By OytoBeAfather - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 20:01 - Malaysia

Little shit

Today, I went to the graveyard with my little brother to visit my grandfather's grave. While we were there, my brother suddenly asked me, "Can you die now? I hate you." He's 7 year-old. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad thinks he's famous because he's been on 'Cops', twice. FML

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By My_Name_Is_Zach

Today, my neighbor called me on vacation to tell me that she let my mother into my house to feed my fish. I don't have fish, and my mother passed away 3 years ago. FML

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By alikat - United States

Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

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20163

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By Nearly blind

Today, I forgot my contact solution and used my sister's. When I put them in, my eyes burnt like hell. Apparently my sister has a new solution that is acidic and only gets neutralized after 12 hours in a special container. The warning is on the INSIDE of the bottle label. FML

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By homewrecker - United States

Today, I woke up from a night of crazy drunken sex with a guy I had met at a friends 23rd birthday party. The lights had been off when we had stumbled in to his house the night before. When I opened my eyes today, the first thing I saw was his family picture, complete with his wife and son. FML

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By Kelli

That slaps!

Today, the whole time my husband and I had sex, my stomach flab violently slapped my thighs. The harder he pumped, the louder the slapping got. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By disney - United States

Today, I went to Disneyworld. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year old man. FML

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By spinspinsugar - 24/2/2021 14:01 - United States - Camillus

Bodyshaming ain't cool

Today, I was video chatting with my dad. He handed the phone to his wife, whose first words out of her mouth were, "Why are you getting so skinny?" This was also the same woman whose first words out of her mouth when they came to visit us 3 years ago was how much weight I've gained. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out to dinner. The waiter was pretty cute. He greets us, "Hi my name is... (long pause) Jordan." Thinking he was flirting, I quickly smart back, "Are you confused?" He says, "No actually, I have a stutter." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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By nevergettingajob - Canada

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

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By Zak - United States

Today, I've been sick with both a chest cold and a sore throat. As a result, I've also been dehydrated, causing me to have a headache. Whenever I cough, I feel like my throat is being ripped apart and my head is about to explode. FML

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Top comments

By Subcontinent | 14

#6544803 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:21

The fact that you drank half a bottle of vodka suggests you were kinda bothered

By jerseygirl94 | 11

#6544807 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:29

Seems like sober you had a problem and drunk you was just you way of expressing it.

COMMENTS

By Subcontinent | 14

#6544803 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:21

The fact that you drank half a bottle of vodka suggests you were kinda bothered

Dave_Davington | 33

#6544891 - Thursday 25 February 2016 9:57

I think she was already drunk when it happened. She drunk half a bottle of vodka on top everything else she'd had up to that point.

shanson | 22

#6545470 - Friday 26 February 2016 4:34

Or she could be in college where that's a normal night

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6545792 - Friday 26 February 2016 15:24

If drinking half a bottle of Vodka a night is "normal" for you, you've got some problems.

By A07 | 48

#6544805 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:24

And don't forget that you have to get a picture frame to cover the hole in the wall too

thestoryofacaleb | 14

#6544824 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:40

Just not of them making out

mariri9206 | 32

#6544830 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:02

Just a drawing would do, too, like on friends.

By jerseygirl94 | 11

#6544807 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:29

Seems like sober you had a problem and drunk you was just you way of expressing it.

By tranced_ | 44

#6544809 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:30

what thing?!

capnbzarr | 43

#6545182 - Thursday 25 February 2016 18:58

Since you're apparently not a native English speaker, I'll explain: Having "a thing" for somebody is another way of saying you have "a crush on" somebody--in other words, being attracted to somebody.

cIouds | 15

#6546608 - Saturday 27 February 2016 12:53

#28 I like people like you. Because instead of blatantly insulting the individual for not knowing a certain concept (as if expecting EVERYONE to know English), you just cleared things out.

By davek | 36

#6544810 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:31

I plead the fifth. The fifth of vodka.

By kyu_Q | 19

#6544813 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:32

the drunk usually says or does what the sober persons feels and thinks. You should try processing things while sober.

By renrioku | 15

#6544818 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:37

That poor wall... FYL OP, but I think it bothered you more than you think for you to have drank half a bottle of vodka.

By watermelon15 | 35

#6544820 - Thursday 25 February 2016 7:39

Don't drink and feel. Very dangerous

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6544835 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:07

We all do unflattering things when alcohol comes into the equation. Just take it for what it was and hopefully you won't react that way if something similar happens in the future.

By Tyrez | 32

#6544837 - Thursday 25 February 2016 8:09

I think you cared more than you realize.