Transportation: Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine....

By Ah piss - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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Transportation

Commando

Late term

Dangling modifier

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

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By vat - Hong Kong

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

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37286

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 05:05

Quite the catch

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me with more guys than I can count on one hand. I'm not sure what's worse, realizing this only after she's moved in, realizing two of the guys were my close friends, or realizing I'd given up my dream career for this. FML

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2708

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By Daniel - United States

Today, while going to lunch with my boss, he asked me to check and see if the other lane was clear. When I did, he swerved hard, making me smack my head into the door window. This is apparently his new favorite thing to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - London

The real me

Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML

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By Nudge23 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By ElephantLover - United States - San Diego

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

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By wheresmysweater - United States - Raleigh

Today, my trunk froze shut with my Christmas presents inside. Since it was still shut, I went to the store. When I came out, some ice had melted and the trunk had popped open. All of my gifts were gone. FML

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By fuckyouharddad - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Corrimal

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

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By Cody - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML

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3287

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By ViviMage

Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML

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By pepsifoot - United States

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

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By Lewis - Australia

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hopkinsville

Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

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By jazzybell - United States

Today, I found out that a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will erase the paint right off your wall. FML

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27185

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By Anonymous - Canada - Langley

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I enthusiastically pointed his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

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43921

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By Jamestown of Vagina - United States - Houston

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

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By Antoine Karam

Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML

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1642

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219

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By stupid voicemails - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

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21979

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

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27266

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By MikaPika - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

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By nakcba

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

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32594

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By "breejanai"

Today, while working as a veterinary assistant, an owner stood extremely close to me and kept accidentally petting me instead of her dog. After her dog was examined, she asked me if I'd ever had the chicken pox because she has shingles and it's contagious to those who haven't. I haven't. FML

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5367

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By pummy - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I realized that it's become a regular occurrence for my mother and me to talk about our pubic hair. I don't know which is worse: the fact that I know she shaves it, or the fact that we even talk about this stuff. FML

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38086

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By Sue - United States

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

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36987

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By Octobre - United States

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

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11560

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, an old lady came through my line to buy some groceries. She told me she lost her purse and was a little short. It was busy, so I pulled out my little purse and gave her the money she needed. A few minutes later she returned with my boss, insisting that my purse was hers. FML

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37671

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, I nearly got written up at work for missing an important memo. The memo was sent to everyone via the company Facebook group and not by our e-mail system. My manager could hardly believe people exist who have no Facebook account and have no intention of making one. FML

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By Anonymous

Oversharing

Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML

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1723

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By JCC - United States

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

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35381

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply: "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

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13410

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out a friend of mine likes me. It wasn't by a cute gesture like a sweet little note, or a beautiful heartfelt confession like you might expect. He sprang at my boyfriend and choked him (while I strained to pull him off). Right during the middle of our 60+ student populated class. FML

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31485

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By radiating

Today, my hay-fever started. I'm five months pregnant, and every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose I either fart or wet myself. FML

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34688

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By oooooopss - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

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7827

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By J Rush - United Kingdom - Welshpool

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

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30119

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By desertboi69 - United States - Ridgecrest

Today, I was preparing my raw meat with tire grease. Literally. My girlfriend replaced my teriyaki sauce with tire grease, because, she later told me, she had sex with my best friend. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1410374 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:27

My grandpa said, "There are two things you never lend out: your car and your wife. Neither of them will come back the same."

By MetalFish | 0

#1410274 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:06

lol your roomy is a cock

COMMENTS

By MetalFish | 0

#1410274 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:06

lol your roomy is a cock

iskusmarines | 0

#1410460 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:07

BOB SAGET!!!!!!!!!!

bishoprsv2 | 0

#1410546 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:38

YDI for having a car you communist piece of trash.

ugwmii | 0

#1411382 - Thursday 16 September 2010 3:28

17 what r u, a homosexual caveman?

panchod1234 | 0

#1412323 - Thursday 16 September 2010 8:11

yuofftafvd fathxfhdardfjdt!!!

bishoprsv2 | 0

#1416108 - Friday 17 September 2010 2:08

No lol. Cavemen don't exist anymore.

michelleJ11 | 25

#5621800 - Saturday 10 August 2013 20:54

30, please try again.

By xxjoseph1543xx | 0

#1410304 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:12

second

By disney_blonde | 16

#1410317 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:15

Why would you let your roommate borrow your car?

keilanclarke | 0

#1410371 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:26

because you're adopted

jonjanssen13 | 0

#1410409 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:49

hahaha good one

My2864 | 1

#1410969 - Thursday 16 September 2010 2:12

why would you not let your roommate pay for damages?

By awhsum | 0

#1410331 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:17

aha x) sucks!

michelleJ11 | 25

#5621801 - Saturday 10 August 2013 20:55

If only there was a button for that.

Oh wait ...

By happykate120 | 0

#1410344 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:19

why would you let a dip shit drive your car?

By perdix | 29

#1410374 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:27

My grandpa said, "There are two things you never lend out: your car and your wife. Neither of them will come back the same."

happykate120 | 0

#1410379 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:33

lol most of the time they both come back smelling funny too :P

perdix | 29

#1410403 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:42

Especially when they get rear-ended.

happykate120 | 0

#1410428 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:55

HA!!!!!

HannahWasNotX | 0

#1412016 - Thursday 16 September 2010 6:27

11 is win

LeoFML | 1

#1412156 - Thursday 16 September 2010 7:05

11 is not just the win of this FML, but the daily winner!

Round of applause everybody.

MindFucker404 | 0

#2433246 - Saturday 30 April 2011 9:03

perdix is always win

mattzawesome | 28

#6371172 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 18:34

By lovelove24 | 1

#1410389 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:38

firstttttt ;) sucka's there's always next time guyssss

MetalFish | 0

#1410394 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:40

about half an hour late, there mate

michelleJ11 | 25

#5621802 - Saturday 10 August 2013 20:56

Don't worry #9, there's always next time, 'sucka'.

By frootietootie | 0

#1410418 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:52

your fault for lending your car to an retard like him.

By jaybird09 | 0

#1410524 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:35

hence take his car and ram in to something, payback is fun

triggerit | 5

#1414240 - Thursday 16 September 2010 16:39

and only then let him drive to the bar...

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1410606 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:49

Make sure that your roomate is sober before you let him use your car.