Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine....

By Ah piss - United States

Today, my roommate let me know he "bumped" another car with mine. What he really meant was that I need a new rear quarter panel and the very angry BMW driver he hit has all of my information. FML

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Transportation

Expanding universe

It's the thought that counts

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By Dariya - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML

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By Anonymous

A like is a like, dude

Today, the girl I have a huge crush on only likes my Instagram posts if it's a post about food. FML

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By RyoKioKio

Today, after seeing my cat struggle to use the litterbox and produce nothing for two days, I caved and took him to the emergency vet, fearing a UTI. It wasn't. $200 and 2 Lyft rides later, he's stoned out of his mind and peeing just fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 14:01

Free money for me, but not for thee

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

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By spougeineye1 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

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By MarkTheShark - United States

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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By IsThisRealLife - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By MerryDeathmas - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, after an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to be dramatic by slamming my car door shut as hard as I could. Something broke and now it won't open. Now I have to climb through the passenger's side just to drive my car to work. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

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By Cpm - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

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By married life - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

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By Barry Wom

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

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By LivingInSin - United States

Today, my boyfriend's ex-wife facebooked me to inform me that they were still married and he was still sleeping with her. I've been living with him for the past month. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

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By TheBRADLeyB - United States

Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, I was waiting for the train. It arrived, I got on and the woman behind me stepped on the back of my shoe. My shoe came flying off and landed in the gutter between the train and the platform. The doors closed, the train pulled away. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 02:02

TMI

Today, my granny had the phone on loudspeaker, talking to a friend. When the conversation turned from the price of potatoes to ticks in hard-to-reach places, I fleed into the garden. First thing granny tells me once I’m back: The details of how that tick was all the way up in her friend’s husband’s crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML

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By - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

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2314

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By sillymink - United States

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

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By shouldhavecheckedthelock - United States

Today, after having not used my laptop since January because I thought it was broken, I found out that the key lock has been on the whole time. FML

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By karlajjjjj - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

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By errrmkl46 - United States

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML

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By WretchedOwls - United States - Barberton

Today, after weeks of my brother being laid off from work, I was able to fenagle him an interview for one of the entry level positions at my work. He got the job, only to refuse it because it doesn't pay enough. I thought 9 dollars an hour was a lot more than 0 dollars an hour. FML.

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

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By k - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over. After I finished pouring my heart out to him about how much I missed him, and how much I loved him, he looks at me and asks "So are we gonna do it, or what?" FML

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45164

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

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10955

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By Anonymous - United States - Durham

Today, I told my friend I would pay him to ask out the ugliest girl he knew. He asked out my girlfriend. FML

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26898

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By katie_sadface - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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30184

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By Anonymous - United States - Latrobe

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

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By sweet - United States

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

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91182

You deserved it

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By taylortotscx - United States - Ocala

Today, I went to Busch Gardens. Trying to cool off, I got on a ride that soaked me to the bone. For the rest of the time I was there, my bra was visible through my clothes, along with the "Hell Yeah" printed on my underwear. FML

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9988

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By Sophie - United States

Today, after recently having had surgery, I Iearnt that some extra tissue was needed to cover up the hole in the roof of my mouth. Where did they get this tissue? From a dead person. I now have the flesh of a dead person in my mouth, which by the way is now infected. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1410374 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:27

My grandpa said, "There are two things you never lend out: your car and your wife. Neither of them will come back the same."

By MetalFish | 0

#1410274 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:06

lol your roomy is a cock

COMMENTS

By MetalFish | 0

#1410274 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:06

lol your roomy is a cock

iskusmarines | 0

#1410460 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:07

BOB SAGET!!!!!!!!!!

bishoprsv2 | 0

#1410546 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:38

YDI for having a car you communist piece of trash.

ugwmii | 0

#1411382 - Thursday 16 September 2010 3:28

17 what r u, a homosexual caveman?

panchod1234 | 0

#1412323 - Thursday 16 September 2010 8:11

yuofftafvd fathxfhdardfjdt!!!

bishoprsv2 | 0

#1416108 - Friday 17 September 2010 2:08

No lol. Cavemen don't exist anymore.

michelleJ11 | 25

#5621800 - Saturday 10 August 2013 20:54

30, please try again.

By xxjoseph1543xx | 0

#1410304 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:12

second

By disney_blonde | 16

#1410317 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:15

Why would you let your roommate borrow your car?

keilanclarke | 0

#1410371 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:26

because you're adopted

jonjanssen13 | 0

#1410409 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:49

hahaha good one

My2864 | 1

#1410969 - Thursday 16 September 2010 2:12

why would you not let your roommate pay for damages?

By awhsum | 0

#1410331 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:17

aha x) sucks!

michelleJ11 | 25

#5621801 - Saturday 10 August 2013 20:55

If only there was a button for that.

Oh wait ...

By happykate120 | 0

#1410344 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:19

why would you let a dip shit drive your car?

By perdix | 29

#1410374 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:27

My grandpa said, "There are two things you never lend out: your car and your wife. Neither of them will come back the same."

happykate120 | 0

#1410379 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:33

lol most of the time they both come back smelling funny too :P

perdix | 29

#1410403 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:42

Especially when they get rear-ended.

happykate120 | 0

#1410428 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:55

HA!!!!!

HannahWasNotX | 0

#1412016 - Thursday 16 September 2010 6:27

11 is win

LeoFML | 1

#1412156 - Thursday 16 September 2010 7:05

11 is not just the win of this FML, but the daily winner!

Round of applause everybody.

MindFucker404 | 0

#2433246 - Saturday 30 April 2011 9:03

perdix is always win

mattzawesome | 28

#6371172 - Tuesday 4 August 2015 18:34

By lovelove24 | 1

#1410389 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:38

firstttttt ;) sucka's there's always next time guyssss

MetalFish | 0

#1410394 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:40

about half an hour late, there mate

michelleJ11 | 25

#5621802 - Saturday 10 August 2013 20:56

Don't worry #9, there's always next time, 'sucka'.

By frootietootie | 0

#1410418 - Wednesday 15 September 2010 23:52

your fault for lending your car to an retard like him.

By jaybird09 | 0

#1410524 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:35

hence take his car and ram in to something, payback is fun

triggerit | 5

#1414240 - Thursday 16 September 2010 16:39

and only then let him drive to the bar...

By FirstBornUnicorn | 0

#1410606 - Thursday 16 September 2010 0:49

Make sure that your roomate is sober before you let him use your car.