Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on... - FML

By Sisi - 29/8/2016 16:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

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Car Wars

The Summoner

Clocked

By ugly - 14/11/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, I was in McDonalds with some friends. When I got up to the register to order, the guy there appeared startled by me, and said, 'Whoa, you're really pretty.' No one has ever said anything like that to me before. When I told my friends, they laughed and said, 'Wow. He must have been drunk.' FML

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By Blue_Heart - 5/9/2015 18:47 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

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By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - 16/8/2012 19:28 - United States - Bentonville

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

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By OweLotsaMoney - 5/9/2013 15:49 - United States

Today, I arrived at my college dorm. To help me sleep, I listened to my local radio from my phone. Little did I know, they turn off the wifi for part of the night, and hours of music were streamed onto my phone. Guess who now owes the phone company all my money. FML

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By sex sent me to the Er - 15/10/2019 14:00

Life imitates bad art

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Feeling goofy, I thought it’d be funny to try to reenact that horrible sex scene from the movie Showgirls. I threw my body back, but completely lost my balance and smashed my head on the headboard. I ended up with a bad concussion and a huge hospital bill. FML

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By Chaznuts - 8/9/2009 06:22 - Australia

Today, I went on a blind double date. My date was drunk before I got there. He kept getting my name wrong, and ended up spilling a glass of red wine down the front of my dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2011 09:25 - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

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By NoMoreMeters - 29/10/2011 00:19 - United States

Today, during my fourth solo day working as a meter-maid, I had a vehicle towed for being parked in front of a fire hydrant. The vehicle belonged to the governor. I'm scared to even show my face at work next week. FML

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By Amanda - 5/5/2018 15:00

Today, my daughter has been using the "supertaster" excuse to not eat my cooking. To prove to her that she isn't one, I blindfolded her and gave her a bowl of jelly beans, then asked her to plug her nose and identify the flavors. She got every single one correct. FML

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By happysingleone - 20/12/2016 07:37

Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

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By fuckmuppet - 27/5/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

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By Sunshine.0.ninja - 29/7/2010 18:28 - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 22:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

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By callofdutyhater - 21/8/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I finally realized the reason my son's grades have been dropping so much. Every time I drop him off at his tutor's house, they play Call of Duty until I pick him up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 05:00

Battery

Today, at work, I was talking to a colleague about what the worst pain he ever experienced was. He said his was being bitten by a dog, and I said I didn't know. Next thing, I was kicked in the balls from a behind by another work colleague. She said, "What about that?" I agreed, it was. FML

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By halfasleep - 27/3/2012 14:00 - United States - New Haven

Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML

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By anonymous - 9/10/2012 05:53 - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

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By Perplexed - 19/1/2013 13:14 - United States - Sioux Falls

Today, someone broke into my car by smashing the driver's side window. I'd be less irritated if they had just used the door handle; the lock has been broken for years. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2014 02:52

Today, I went to an auction for the first time. When the run-down house I wanted to bid for came up, I opened bidding at £12,000 and surprisingly won. Feeling pleased, I turned to the person next to me and said, "Lucky me!" She replied, "Yes, lucky you!" and then under her breath said, "Cockhead". FML

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By work -_- - 22/4/2013 13:22 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, I was feeling really sick at work. I messaged my boss whether his girlfriend, who also works there, could cover me. He then came down, shouting at me that whatever illness I have, I've also passed on to his girlfriend. I'm pregnant. FML

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By f my lifw - 7/4/2015 15:43 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

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By one sorry mom - 5/9/2017 04:31

Today, at the mall, my 4-year-old son threw up on a man's shoes. When he approached me, I immediately machine-gun mouthed him in public. The man apparently is a doctor and concernedly said that my son may have a rare gastric disease based on the puke. I got him checked, and he's right. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 16:03 - Canada - Montreal

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

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By ididntdoanythingaight - 2/8/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

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By - 2/1/2009 04:34 - France

Today, I marked 600 emails in my gmail inbox as spam and it will take me hours to go through and unmark them. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 23:01

Fly me to the moon

Today, I booked a long distance flight across two continents, costing me over 600 bucks. I then got a confirmation email. For a different flight. I wrote to their customer service address, saying there has been an error, and to please either change or cancel the booking. I never got any reply. At all. FML

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By fenris - 30/8/2016 17:36 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid runs up to me and throws up. It was a 10-hour shift, I was one hour in. FML

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By me - 20/12/2011 03:53 - United States

Today, another employee scolded me for being "socially awkward". The same employee who just before had a 10 minute discussion with a client about her poop. FML

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By Ackbar - 27/2/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML

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By Chubsley - 21/2/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, I realized that the beef jerky someone had left on the counter and that I'd been sneaking a few pieces of every morning had a cartoon dog holding two strips of beef jerky. I wondered why nobody else was eating it. It was beef jerky for dogs. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2014 02:55 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my parents made a game out of deliberately walking in when I'm trying to masturbate. They even turn on all the hot water taps when I'm trying to do it in the shower. FML

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By xxemetahxx - 11/7/2019 06:00

Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML

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By doblex - 20/12/2012 11:19 - United States

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

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By anon - 5/4/2017 04:00

Today, a guy grabbed my ass at the mall. I whirled around and went to sock him. He ducked and I accidentally hit the elderly woman standing behind him in the face. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

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By Rachel - 10/6/2011 09:57 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

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By OuttaNowhere81 - 15/5/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I was smoking a cigarette in my backyard while my parents were out, because I'm not allowed to smoke. While smoking, my parents came home unexpectedly. In a rush, I flicked it over the fence, and it landed in my neighbor's hair. It was still lit. FML

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By Idiocracy - 24/4/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, my boss confessed to me that she doesn't know how to change the staples in the staplers at work, so she just switches them when they run out. We work at an office supply store. She makes six figures. I make $10 an hour. And she just got awarded a trip to Aruba for doing a "great job". FML

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By blackcat37 - 28/9/2013 10:53 - United States - Independence

Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

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By Gentleman - 11/1/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

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Top comments

By Vitani_Verci | 24

#6691379 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:04

This is a lesson to not eat what is not yours, without permission OP.

I also do not know how you did not realize it was for dogs just by the taste..

By torrea | 19

#6691378 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:04

That's what you get for taking what doesn't belong to you. And I guess you'll eat anything... gross. lol

COMMENTS

By DxAwShizz | 10

#6690860 - Saturday 17 September 2016 5:31

lol

By xxjeramiahxx | 18

#6691375 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:02

YDI for just devouring it

By SecundusSecunda | 27

#6691377 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:03

That's what you get for disrespecting somebody else's property

By torrea | 19

#6691378 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:04

That's what you get for taking what doesn't belong to you. And I guess you'll eat anything... gross. lol

By Vitani_Verci | 24

#6691379 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:04

This is a lesson to not eat what is not yours, without permission OP.

I also do not know how you did not realize it was for dogs just by the taste..

Reply

LyricaSilvan | 29

#6691412 - Sunday 18 September 2016 6:15

If you've ever watched JennaMarbles, you'd know there are some dog treats that don't taste like dog food at all. Some companies make some real fancy-ass dog treats these days.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6691414 - Sunday 18 September 2016 6:16

It might still taste like people cookies, you never know

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6691612 - Sunday 18 September 2016 13:08

A lot of the dog treat cookies are made with peanut butter so if someone where to eat one by accident it would probably just taste like a peanut butter cookie.

Reply

Moonfate | 16

#6691688 - Sunday 18 September 2016 16:35

My sister tried a dog cookie because it looked and smelled like a real cookie, apparently they taste like real cookies too.

Reply

ZombieScoobyDoo | 20

#6692454 - Monday 19 September 2016 21:12

Pet smart has the rainbow cookies that are similar in design to Oreos. They taste just like the vanilla ones (idk the name). I agree that you should never just eat someone's food without permission.

By SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6691383 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:05

I fell for that too. Don't feel too bad. Damn troll cookies. My friend watched me and didn't say anything until later in the day. I was so pissed.

By Welshite | 39

#6691385 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:06

That's what I'm going to tell the TSA next time they tell me I can't take my favorite cookies aboard the plane.

"But they're the bomb!"

By torrea | 19

#6691386 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:07

Ha ha, that's what you get for taking what doesn't belong to you. Where you stoned? Cuz that must've been nasty. lol

By trucker2 | 33

#6691390 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:11

Pilot twist- contains K9 medication....

By Tripartita | 44

#6691391 - Sunday 18 September 2016 5:14

And here I was, excited to read an FML about a criminal whose heist was foiled when they tried to detonate a package of cookies…

Reply

TheLostCauseFML | 40

#6693336 - Wednesday 21 September 2016 5:48

Maybe the heist was already foiled by Mystery Inc. and those were Shaggy and Scooby's victory snacks?