Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at...

By tryingtobepretty101 - 2/9/2011 16:58 - United States

Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at it and told me that if I'm not going to take my grades seriously, I might as well start looking for a sugar daddy. But first, I apparently need to work on prettying myself up. FML

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Miscellaneous

Call CPS!

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 22:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my little brother found the singing Santa Claus from last year, and it still works. I'm now going to be hearing nothing but "We WISH you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!" for the next 20 days. FML

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By nothing - 8/4/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML

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By Gagging - 15/6/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, the painting I worked on for three weeks was rejected from an art contest because the rules prohibit fan art. It wasn't fan art. They mistook it for Twilight fan art. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2018 19:30 - United States

Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML

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By oh hey there - 20/4/2011 09:27

Today, I went shopping for a nice outfit to wear for a job interview. A fake job interview. One that I just made up so my mother would get off my case about finding a job. I don't know which is sadder, the fact that I can't get a job, or that my mother actually believed me about the interview. FML

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By Crispy - 21/6/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

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By danii - 4/10/2011 01:19 - Reserved

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

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By chronic masticator - 21/5/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 01:46 - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 00:52 - United States

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

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By chestycough - 16/9/2013 04:35 - Australia - Belrose

Today, my doctor asked me to undo my bra so he could check my breathing without the straps restricting my lungs, I got home and told my friends how awkward it was. Not one of them has had this happen to them before. We all go to the same doctor. FML

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By sissica - 11/2/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

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By assholedad - 21/6/2013 18:05 - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

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By TrailerTrash - 20/3/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 14:23 - United States - Marshall

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

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By Hayleey_079 - 18/2/2010 14:22 - United Kingdom

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

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By LittleSprout - 21/3/2017 04:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was buying veggies with my five-year-old. She saw some brussel sprouts and begged me to buy them. I thought there was no way she'd like them, but I do, so I got them. Later, she was sitting on the couch eating them raw like candy. I have a weird kid. FML

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By nj - 10/2/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

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By Snufflopagus - 1/1/2014 13:26 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 01:27 - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By Sleepless Dreams - 29/11/2016 04:42 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates told me about all the stupid and embarrassing things I did last night, none of which I remember. Drunk out of my mind? No, I just tried a new sleeping pill after weeks of insomnia. I still barely slept. FML

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By policeopenup - 11/7/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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By DroppedTheSoap - 26/4/2019 04:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2016 21:11 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It only kept smelling my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

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By Lucas79 - 8/10/2011 01:23 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

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By stupidassgeek - 15/6/2016 13:22 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

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By well then... - 21/2/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Grrrreat - 4/2/2015 15:16 - United Kingdom - Hatfield

Today, after a heavy make-out session, my boyfriend and I discovered his lips bruise really easily. This wouldn't be a problem except he's been telling people I hit him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By Turnaround - 7/11/2014 12:28

Today, I confronted my boyfriend after I found him cheating on me with my best friend. It ended up with me apologising for spying on him. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2012 19:24 - Germany

Today, my sculpture, which is very important for my art grade, fell from my desk and broke to pieces. My art teacher suggested I soak the parts in water to make it easier to stick them back together. They dissolved. FML

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By HighasaCloud - 30/4/2012 16:01 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I finally built up the courage to confess my love to the girl of my dreams. She turned me down. When I asked her about all the recent receptive behavior toward me, she replied, "I thought it'd be funny." FML

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By Novocain - 20/4/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

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By notsomuch - 1/8/2011 03:09 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2019 00:24 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I was babysitting my friend's 12-year-old son while his dad was having an emergency procedure at the hospital. I walked into the den to see if he wanted to go out to dinner, only to find him watching Pornhub on my iPad. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 20:42 - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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By Mush - 27/8/2015 16:42 - France - Montpellier

Today, after an 8-month wait, I went on my big vacation. The beach, the sea, the dive, the jellyfish, the allergic reaction, the hospital. FML

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By a_dani365 - 6/7/2015 21:37 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

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By InPain - 17/10/2019 16:00

The joys of public transport

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

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Top comments

By ghm1234 | 0

#3224512 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:44

What a bitch!

By jimboner69 | 6

#3224515 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:45

Sugar daddy's kick ass

Comments

By FMS23 | 0

#3224511 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:44

First off hand her a mirror cause she had you. (unless ur adopted) you all should look alike so she called herself ugly

sean02 | 11

#3224527 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:47

I see what you did there! Lol

FarSide | 22

#3224543 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:49

Well prettying up is not a bad thing...

hatesfate | 6

#3224550 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:50

The OP could look more like her dad than her mom... Jus sayin'....

EffinToofer | 3

#3224558 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:52

DNA can mutate into some weird things. Some attractive people end up having fugly kids.

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3224561 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:53

you live in new jersey? how did you get your report card if most schools haven't even started yet here? i usually get my report card 2-3 months after the first day.

LedZeppelin1109 | 0

#3224575 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:56

*sigh* some parents these days...

kiraleann | 16

#3224579 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:57

@hatesfate: but still, even if OP looks more like her dad, if her mom meant "pretty up" to insinuate that OP is unattractive then in that particular case she's implying that her husband is unattractive, so it still doesn't work out for her.

TheRealHouse | 7

#3224588 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:59

Hi my name is Dr. House and I make a sh*tload of money. I also enjoy long walks on the beach, riding my motercycle, young girls, vicodin and boobies.. call me ;)

hatesfate | 6

#3224592 - Friday 2 September 2011 23:59

Kiraleann not really. There are attractive men but dress them up as a woman and they are ugly as shit...

Just because they're an ugly girl doesn't mean they can't be a handsome guy.

Gourmet_Taco | 0

#3224662 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:14

33 - +1 for supporting statement to previous argument.

tj4234 | 35

#3224706 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:28

she could have been implying that OP doesn't take care of her looks.

LuHGiiiT | 11

#3224751 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:36

I don't see what you did there.. =/

MerrikBarbarian | 9

#3224801 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:50

fmls don't post instantly. this was probably written a few months ago

cantdeleteaccount | 2

#3224846 - Saturday 3 September 2011 0:59

they pretty much do. 2 years ago in june i saw a million of "Today, Michael Jackson died. FML"

TwitchingNebula | 17

#3224874 - Saturday 3 September 2011 1:02

So number one, we shouldn't blame you for being stupid. It's your parents fault. I'd bitchslap them if I were you then...

kiraleann | 16

#3224885 - Saturday 3 September 2011 1:04

@ hatesfate: I suppose that's true, although I really would hope that the OP would be born with the face/body traits of a woman rather than a man, but we never know.

iluvhobos | 5

#3225425 - Saturday 3 September 2011 2:38

It's about 98% your own damn fault if you don't get good grades (if you don't have any type of mental disability).

krazy_glu3 | 0

#3225479 - Saturday 3 September 2011 2:49

Screw it, get a sugar daddy. Then your mom will be jealous that everything you get is already paid for. Roll up in a Bentley and tell her that was the best advice she ever gave you.