By Anonymous - 23/08/2016 08:38

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML
I agree, your life sucks 27 181
You deserved it 2 900

Same thing different taste

Top comments

Sorry you both got grounded OP, but that was hysterical! I don't blame you for laughing. Your dad is wrong to try to shame both of you for something normal.


Hey, sibling bonding moment. Those are the best! I have 3 younger brothers. Always the best, minus the being grounded. That's pretty lame. One time my dad caught me doing that and he laughed and said "we've all done it." And my dad is religious too. That's pretty lame op. Sorry bro.

tounces7 27

He'll at least have someone who won't disown him when he comes out as an Atheist later on, like pretty much all children of stupidly strict religious parents do.

Sorry you both got grounded OP, but that was hysterical! I don't blame you for laughing. Your dad is wrong to try to shame both of you for something normal.

That only justifies that your brother won the argument.

Aw, after moving house your dad finally caught on.

are you trying to connect this to the previous FML?

dakid87 10

Haha great connecting with the other FML lol

"Yeah, because of you guys, my son died nailed to a cross, lamenting the fact that I'd forsaken him, but you know what REALLY grinds my gears? Masturbation. Seriously, seriously, stop laughing!" –God

metalcrazed 21

There was no reason he had to die so that we could be forgivion for sinning it makes no sense.

"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Hand !" - OP's dad, probably.

snarkytruth 37

He could have stopped it but it was one of the main reasons for him being born. It was to prove His love for us and make it easier for us to be with God. It was also proof of Gods existence and final proof he was who he claimed to be - Gods son.

God seems pretty perverted in my eyes if he watches us all masturbating.

Haha, I ♡ your brother. But I do feel sorry for you.

I too fall in love with the siblings of those who post on this site

I didn't know i was in love with pizza. Thanks #8 for opening my eyes, all these years saying I love pizza and not realizing what it meant...

And this is why I find religion to be more harm than helpful. I support that it gives people strength to go on and something to believe in that's bigger than themselves, but condemning actions as instinctual as self gratification as "evil" and "a sin" is what gives us the misunderstood psychopaths who could have lived a normal life had they not been chastised for experiencing natural urges and emotions. I'm glad you and your brother can find humor in the bible-thumping "logic", well executed humor at that.

This. And I'm willing to bet that the dad masturbated furiously in his younger years, which would ostensibly make him a hypocrite.

Masturbation isn't mentioned as a sin in the Bible.

Not explicitly, but it does say that "anyone who so much as looks at a woman with lust in his heart has committed adultery."

But I stopped caring after I hit puberty

As what happens a lot with religion and the Bible, people take pieces and assign their own meanings to it. They take quotes like James 1:14-15 "But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death," or Thessalonians 4:3-5 "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God." They look at these and take them to mean masturbation, when they never explicitly mention it, and could be referring to many things.

Actually, it sort of does on several occasions, but not directly. The bible condemns self-indulgence, adultery of the mind, and fornication. It also says sex is only for married couples, which would exclude sex with yourself...

It also says in Matthew chapter 23, verse 9, to never call anyone on earth father. Christians are only to call God their father.

Didn't you know God is triggered by people jerking off?