Today, my recent ex-boyfriend stopped by my house with a well-dressed... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2017 04:00

Today, my recent ex-boyfriend stopped by my house with a well-dressed man. He reached into his pocket and handed me records that "prove" he never cheated on me. Oh, and the man next to him? His lawyer, who gave me a summons to court over payment for the items I smashed when I dumped him. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Does it taste good?

Goodbye Bill

By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - 14/12/2014 20:28 - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

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By suckstobeme - 16/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By identitychangeplease - 19/9/2012 20:41 - Sweden - Nyn?shamn

Today, a guy I've been seeing for a while sent me a link to a porn site, with the message, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking he was joking around, I clicked the link just to see what sick shit he wanted to show me. It was my mom. FML

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By Alexismaria - 23/10/2014 20:05 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

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By gutsforme - 11/8/2010 10:40 - New Zealand

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 18:00

Noise annoys

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

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By Danielle - 22/8/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I was upset after a fight with my husband, so I cried alone in the bedroom. My 4-year-old son then comes in and hugs me. I thought he was trying to comfort me, but he then told me he had to go get his quarter my husband had promised to pay him if he made me shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 16:49 - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By Kelly - 26/5/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

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By neverunderstood - 2/12/2016 12:39 - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

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By katiebell - 4/10/2019 12:00

Crossed purposes

Today, while I was walking home, a homeless man saw me and didn't ask for change, but how much I charged. FML

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By cutup - 11/7/2012 17:54 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML

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By Lane - 18/11/2018 14:00

Today, I made a frustrating discovery about my new bunny. He can’t stand the fan in my small studio apartment, and thumps angrily and refuses to sleep if it's on. I can’t sleep with it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2012 08:30 - Belgium

Today, I was babysitting a 7 year-old brat. He refused to eat his vegetables, so I forbade him from playing until they were finished. He stomped off upstairs, so I let him cool off for a couple of minutes. When I went upstairs, he had taken scissors to all of his mother's clothes. FML

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By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

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By embarrassed - 18/11/2010 02:31

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2013 15:23 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-2-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML

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By turnedoff - 18/6/2012 01:00 - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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By Garry - 4/5/2012 21:53 - United States

Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML

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By ouch - 15/6/2013 04:48 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was on the toilet when my cat came in and jumped up on the sink. Apparently my lap looked like a comfier seat, so she jumped onto it. She misjudged the distance, but luckily caught herself by sliding to a stop, with her claws in my bare thighs. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 22:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he thought he heard another guy in the room when he called me, and that I'm cheating on him. The guy he heard was a character from a cartoon my sister was watching. FML

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By SuddenlyDogless - 22/2/2017 13:00 - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 12:05 - United States

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2017 12:00

Today, I learned that when I start University next month I will have to either pay $900 for an all-access semester-long parking pass, pay $200 for for a bus pass that takes an hour to get to campus, or pay $100 to park outside campus and walk 4 miles to and from class each day. FML

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By coldwetnose - 9/5/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, my phone alarm woke me up. It had fallen under my boyfriend's bed. Naked, I got on all fours to retrieve it. My boyfriend's dog stuck his nose in my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:40 - Belgium - Ieper

Today, I realised what kind of man I married when I finally shelved his book, "Getting Things Done", still untouched 3 months after buying it. FML

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By fmlpgh - 16/2/2010 11:51 - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

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By Aimee Lutz - 19/10/2017 22:00

Cat Burglar!

Today, I found my lost cat. As I was hooking it up to a leash to get it in my car, a man approached and asked what I was doing. His kids alerted him that there was a woman stealing their cat from their front lawn. It was not my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2016 13:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had to politely nod and say "Ah okay..." as my grandpa told me that he's not racist; he just doesn't think it's right for black men to associate with white women. He's well aware that my boyfriend is black. FML

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By novacabudsforme - 15/8/2016 10:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

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By mikeyamazing - 28/12/2010 05:00 - France

Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML

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By notacashier - 3/7/2014 12:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2015 09:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend hasn't showered in two weeks. He says he doesn't want his "manliness" to wash off. FML

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By anonya - 28/8/2012 04:43 - United States - Madera

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

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By tooth fairy - 20/8/2018 04:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, my dentist called and told me that the surgery to remove my wisdom teeth - which I desperately need and saved for a year to be able to afford - will actually cost nearly $2000 more than originally stated. The surgery is supposed to be in three days. FML

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By lolreturn - 16/8/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML

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By Spadiethestar - 31/7/2009 08:36 - France

Today, I discovered that my cheating, stealing ex boyfriend is posting pictures of naked women having group sex, with my face photoshopped onto them. He sent those to my boss, my friends, my family, only because I refused to bail his drunken self out of jail a couple weeks ago. FML

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By kmf - 10/8/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get hot and heavy in my truck at our favorite park. We start going at it and we were both butt naked when I see a car pull into the lot. Not only is it a cop car, but the first thing the cop asks my girlfriend is "Are you being held against your will?" FML

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Top comments

By bobsanction | 16

#7445046 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:04

That's what you get for breaking shit.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7445047 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:13

I don't know why, but I love how the ex boyfriend brought the lawyer with him to the OP's house.

Comments

By zeroramiro2 | 4

#7445045 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:02

That's why you never retaliate against anyone. Good for him to take action to get his compensation for the damages.

By bobsanction | 16

#7445046 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:04

That's what you get for breaking shit.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7445047 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:13

I don't know why, but I love how the ex boyfriend brought the lawyer with him to the OP's house.

Reply

raz0rf0x | 8

#7445407 - Thursday 27 April 2017 20:42

if she's crazy enough to break stuff then I'd being a lawyer, too. And maybe a cop

By hunterseal | 18

#7445049 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:19

well if you went off so psycho maybe he dodged a bullet,good thing it was his stuff and not his life. Well ydi,pay up and get some anger management classes.

By ThatHorse | 15

#7445051 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:24

I mean, if he actually went to a fucking lawyer and served you personally, then he's probably not lying about having never cheated. That's an awfully expensive path to take if he had.

Reply

crazyindynathan | 13

#7445058 - Thursday 27 April 2017 4:39

That's what she gets for digging her key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive, among other damages.

Reply

Goblin182 | 26

#7445222 - Thursday 27 April 2017 13:33

Even if he had cheated she had no right to destroy his property.

By WeirdUS | 29

#7445068 - Thursday 27 April 2017 5:02

Cheating is an asshole move but not illegal breaking someones shit is. You deserved it for breaking his stuff. If that's what you do I'm wondering how you handled disagreements in the relationship.

By Druu | 53

#7445069 - Thursday 27 April 2017 5:03

Ah, finally an FML from the point of view of the "psycho ex-girlfriend." Refreshing!

Reply

species4872 | 19

#7445402 - Thursday 27 April 2017 20:27

How can a comment with 30 likes 2 dislike be moderated?

By anaheimangels40 | 9

#7445077 - Thursday 27 April 2017 6:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

species4872 | 19

#7446346 - Saturday 29 April 2017 20:47

Still going!

By Arashikage | 18

#7445086 - Thursday 27 April 2017 6:21

I seriously hope you're not looking for sympathy you 100% deserve what's coming

By KittyMack | 13

#7445095 - Thursday 27 April 2017 7:00

What I wanna know is: What records can prove faithfulness? His cel or internet history might show no messages if he banged someone from his work, or someone he picked up in a bar.

Reply

Pixiewolfe | 46

#7445103 - Thursday 27 April 2017 7:33

Maybe a tight schedule with alibis from work/gym etc..?