Love: Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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The end of the road

Gas giant

Public transport FTW

By evecamp - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 11 months told me that she's been faking her orgasms the whole time. Just to make me "proud" of myself. FML

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By reb - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my crazily elitist parents were so desperate to get me to dump my fiancé that they threatened to divorce if I didn't. When I told them to go ahead, they bitched me out for being disrespectful. FML

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By i tried so hard - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a cup full of urine in the bathtub. No one in my family knows where it came from. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By PrettyScared - United States - Matthews

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

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By lobotomy pls - United States - Tappahannock

Today, I walked in on my mom, legs spread and changing her tampon, all while she was carrying on a conversation on the phone. FML

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By aliqi - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By kill me

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

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By embaressed - United States

Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML

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By elevatorjerk - United States

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

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By mustachio101 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

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By AndyAnonymous - United States

Today, I brought several bags of soda cans to the store to cash in. I hadn't shaved, and my coat had fur all over from my cat rubbing on it. The lady in front of me turned around, looked at my bags and me and said, "It's a lot of money people throw away, isn't it?" Apparently, I look homeless. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By thatonegirl.SBS. - United States - El Cajon

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been seeing another girl behind my back. The kicker is that he told her I was his lazy sister and had just moved in. FML

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By Roxy19 - United States - San Diego

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2020 20:00

And today on Maury…

Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone misread some details of my dating profile on an app and thought I was subtly indicating that I'm a prostitute. In fact, I'm a shy 33-year-old virgin who's never been kissed and has obviously been failing at using dating apps and websites for years. I guess now I know one thing I did wrong. FML

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By grrrrrr - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

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By jill - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cary

Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

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By Username - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

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By milkysubstance - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the doctor's to find out why I was producing small amounts of milky liquid from my nipples, even though I'm not pregnant. When she asked me to show her, I squirted on her shirt. FML

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By Tom - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

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By stupid me - 28/10/2020 06:02 - Israel

Freudian slip

Today, while hugging my sister's husband, I accidentally let out a "Mmm…" sound in front my whole family. FML

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By elovan - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

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By overdriven07 - United States

Today, my landlord asked to borrow my truck to move some furniture. When she returned it, I noticed she had filled the gas tank up. I thanked her for doing so, and she handed me the receipt and said "just add it to next month's rent". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By Rejected. - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

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By mama bear

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By AshWil - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally posted an extensive, negative review of the gynecologist I visited earlier this week. I messed up and posted it from my work's customer service email, so now it looks like the large, well-known company I work for had a poor gynecological experience. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

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By Ugh-Lee - United States

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

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By Charlie - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

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By Fitz - United States

Today, I had a customer scream at me for ruining their child's birthday party. They had bought a Piñata from me and didn't know they had to fill it themselves. The kids had hit it open and it was empty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Plano

Today, I arrived at my grandparents'. They already had guests so I had to sleep in the cottage. It wasn’t that bad until when I was making the bed I found a dead rotting possum in the blankets. When I told my grandmother, she simply said, "Deal with it, wimp." FML

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Top comments

By Cads1 | 24

#6347087 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Wow, crazy much?

By MattStro | 23

#6347089 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Somebodies a little impatient.

COMMENTS

By Cads1 | 24

#6347087 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Wow, crazy much?

Reply

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6347306 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:07

OP dodged a bullet there ñ_ñ

By SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#6347088 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Good idea! Get out before it's too late.

By MattStro | 23

#6347089 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Somebodies a little impatient.

Reply

Dick_diamond | 22

#6347314 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:33

Somebody is*

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6347334 - Saturday 11 July 2015 13:30

Thursty, too!

Reply

Fiorella1 | 19

#6347813 - Saturday 11 July 2015 21:43

Yup, just a little. ??

Reply

rocketiquette | 20

#6348128 - Sunday 12 July 2015 2:24

Never understood how this tactic worked for guys, rather, how they thought it would work well for them. It's happened to me a few times! Needless to say you kind of just want to sucker punch them in the throat for being such insecure pansies.

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6347091 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

Looks like you've saved yourself time and strife.

By ona16 | 22

#6347093 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

I think avoid at all costs applies here :| Lets hope texting is as far as this goes.

By karcummings | 19

#6347094 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

obsessive..

By shellzy | 20

#6347095 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

Bye Felipe!!

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6347213 - Saturday 11 July 2015 8:43

Is this a thing? This should be a thing.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6347451 - Saturday 11 July 2015 15:17

It is a thing. Look up the account bye Felipe on Instagram.

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6347720 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:03

Is bye, Felipe the male counterpart of bye, Felicia?

Reply

danceinconverse | 25

#6347732 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:10

Bye Felipe came first, so yes.

Reply

olillia | 16

#6347735 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:13

But "bye, Felicia" is a quote from the movie "Friday"... It's really old actually. Teenagers just started saying it not knowing where it's from

Reply

NathanSchmitz988 | 7

#6348941 - Sunday 12 July 2015 21:49

Keep their heads ringing.

By connaughty0225 | 16

#6347097 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

Well that escalated quickly.

By Exaspera | 54

#6347100 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:13

"Lord of the Flies" comes to mind. Quick! Hide the sharp objects!

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6347274 - Saturday 11 July 2015 10:46

You keep referencing that book. I don't think that book means what you think it means.

By mikeman1744 | 18

#6347101 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:13

Run fast....run far