Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 19:54 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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Race against the clock

Gas giant

Mr Sensitivity

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 02:49 - Australia

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

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By worksucks,Iknow. - 30/8/2018 15:00

Today, it's my first anniversary of being a manager! Today also marks a 12-month period of 30% loss in monthly income combined with 30+ hours/month of overtime. FML

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By Huge A Hole - 1/2/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, a girl I've had a huge crush on for a long time told another friend of ours to get a life. I, in my infinite genius responded that her mom needed to get a life. She ran out of the room bawling. I got slapped in the face and informed that her mom had died not long ago. FML

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By ZPyRoGoDz - 30/10/2009 06:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked why, she replied with "You don't go out anymore. All you do is lay in bed." I've had the flu for the past week. FML

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By Misc. - 13/3/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

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By p - 28/8/2012 20:38 - Canada - Markham

Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML

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By OperaLover - 12/9/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

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By matiasbarbero - 16/2/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, a black cat crossed in front of my truck and I thought to myself that it was funny people believe black cats bring bad luck. Not even two minutes later, I drove my truck into a ditch. FML

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By Lilly - 2/10/2013 12:43 - United States - Conway

Today, I was on a dinner date with a guy I really like. I guess I was on my phone too much because halfway through the date he sent me a text saying how much my half of the bill would be. FML

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By Dr.Anonymous - 22/3/2014 11:56 - India - Mumbai

Today, I was treating a patient at the hospital where I'm a dentist. This particular gentleman was old and slightly deaf. After completing the procedure I gestured to the spitoon and asked him to spit. He got up, steadied himself, and spat straight in my face. FML

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By mkonda - 10/9/2016 17:11 - India

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years broke up with me via a Whatsapp group. FML

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By norpedo - 17/5/2015 19:32 - United States - Cleveland

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 00:25 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, at work, I took an order from a stuck-up sounding lady over the phone. She said her last name was "duckling, but with an F". Bemused, I wrote her name on the order. When she arrived to pick it up later, she told me she'd said "s", not "f". FML

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By kashish0711 - 2/8/2009 16:14 - India

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

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By bananna - 29/5/2014 15:18 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out our newborn snores worse than his father. FML

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By crybaby - 1/2/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, it was my first time having sex with this guy. After a few second he stops, sits in the corner of his room buff-naked, with his knees up and his hands on his face. He then pouts and claims it was his worst performance ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 17:32 - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

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By nemi - 31/8/2010 22:33 - Norway

Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML

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By dammitrain - 13/7/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

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By Jay - 10/4/2009 14:41 - Germany

Today, my mate came over wanting me to listen to a new music cd he got. It was by some unknown band, and at the end he asked me what I thought, and I said it was ok, but the lead singer couldn't sing even if his life depended on it. Turns out my mate's the lead singer, and it was his own band. FML

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By Watchingmyfigure - 6/12/2016 17:55 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I found my concert tickets that I've been trying to find for the last 2 weeks in my mom's closet. When I asked why she had them, she said she felt the concert was inappropriate for me so she hid them. I'm 20. FML

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By slut - 29/8/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I finally found out that the tattoo on my lower back means "slut" in Chinese, instead of "good fortune" as I always thought it did. FML

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By nil mil - 23/9/2019 22:02

Crazy ex's girlfriend

Today, I sent my ex's mom several pics of the kids from our recent outing. Being the kids' grandmother, she loved them. Later, I got a barrage of angry, insulting and threatening texts from my ex's new girlfriend, saying that since he and I are no longer together, I should have no contact with his family. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Apopka

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

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By Goldo - 22/6/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 03:07 - United States - Dover

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

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By birthday blues - 8/11/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

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By Class - 11/5/2012 23:52 - United States - Newton Center

Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML

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By MuteNToot - 26/2/2015 21:17

Today, my friend was confiding all her problems to me over Skype. I pressed the mute button so I could let out a fart, forgetting I'd already muted it earlier. I broke several minutes of my own silence with a devastating wet one. Now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

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By usadisvet - 2/4/2015 06:43 - United States - Loudon

Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

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By Workplace woes - 12/5/2016 17:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 02:00

Unrequited and stuck

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2016 09:46 - United States - Oakland

Today, I found out the real reason my dad bought a new car and generously gave me his old one. He knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it finally did. It blew out while I was driving at high speed on the motorway. Just my luck. FML

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By SweptWolf - 6/6/2020 23:02

Doomed

Today, my fiancée handed me her engagement ring back and told me she felt like she's pressuring me into marriage, so to make me feel better about it we’re no longer engaged. On top of this, I found out she’s started talking to her ex again. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2009 12:27 - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

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By Asian - 7/2/2016 19:03 - United States - Clover

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 22:42 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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Top comments

By Cads1 | 24

#6347087 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Wow, crazy much?

By MattStro | 23

#6347089 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Somebodies a little impatient.

COMMENTS

By Cads1 | 24

#6347087 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Wow, crazy much?

Reply

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6347306 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:07

OP dodged a bullet there ñ_ñ

By SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#6347088 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Good idea! Get out before it's too late.

By MattStro | 23

#6347089 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:11

Somebodies a little impatient.

Reply

Dick_diamond | 22

#6347314 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:33

Somebody is*

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6347334 - Saturday 11 July 2015 13:30

Thursty, too!

Reply

Fiorella1 | 19

#6347813 - Saturday 11 July 2015 21:43

Yup, just a little. ??

Reply

rocketiquette | 20

#6348128 - Sunday 12 July 2015 2:24

Never understood how this tactic worked for guys, rather, how they thought it would work well for them. It's happened to me a few times! Needless to say you kind of just want to sucker punch them in the throat for being such insecure pansies.

By myeverydaymylife | 21

#6347091 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

Looks like you've saved yourself time and strife.

By ona16 | 22

#6347093 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

I think avoid at all costs applies here :| Lets hope texting is as far as this goes.

By karcummings | 19

#6347094 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

obsessive..

By shellzy | 20

#6347095 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

Bye Felipe!!

Reply

leogachi | 15

#6347213 - Saturday 11 July 2015 8:43

Is this a thing? This should be a thing.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6347451 - Saturday 11 July 2015 15:17

It is a thing. Look up the account bye Felipe on Instagram.

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6347720 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:03

Is bye, Felipe the male counterpart of bye, Felicia?

Reply

danceinconverse | 25

#6347732 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:10

Bye Felipe came first, so yes.

Reply

olillia | 16

#6347735 - Saturday 11 July 2015 20:13

But "bye, Felicia" is a quote from the movie "Friday"... It's really old actually. Teenagers just started saying it not knowing where it's from

Reply

NathanSchmitz988 | 7

#6348941 - Sunday 12 July 2015 21:49

Keep their heads ringing.

By connaughty0225 | 16

#6347097 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:12

Well that escalated quickly.

By Exaspera | 54

#6347100 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:13

"Lord of the Flies" comes to mind. Quick! Hide the sharp objects!

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#6347274 - Saturday 11 July 2015 10:46

You keep referencing that book. I don't think that book means what you think it means.

By mikeman1744 | 18

#6347101 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:13

Run fast....run far