Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday,...

By Mike - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Small town blues

Hi mom!

By shelookslikemiley - Australia

Today, I can't go on watching season 8 of The Big Bang Theory, not because of the steady decline of the show's quality, but because I can't stand Penny's new haircut. FML

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By Klamp18 - United States

Today, I decided to attach fifteen-pound weights to each foot so I could burn some extra calories while shoveling snow. My dad asked me to move one of the cars in the driveway. When I put my foot on the gas pedal, I couldn't take it off. I ended up hitting my sister and knocking her into a snow bank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By queenmeme - United States - Redlands

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

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By blewidstepr

Today, I realized my 3 year old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year old father. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

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By Maude - 20/11/2020 05:03 - Canada - Beauharnois

Doggy dog world

Today, I was going for a relaxing walk but my dog broke free from his leash. At the same time, my 80 year-old neighbor was leaving her apartment. My dog ran inside her home and she screamed. I ended up in her bedroom, running around her bed, chasing my dog who was trying to get at her pantyhose. FML

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614

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By Luke - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

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By MyHeadHurts - Ireland

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

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By qtpieo1 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

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By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By dogh8er - United States

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my dad came up behind me with a pair of scissors, and pretended to snip away at my hair. I was sure he was joking, so I just sat there and didn't react. Later, I felt the back of my head and looked at my hand. Suffice it to say, I now have a large bald patch on the back of my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 16:58

Two rooms, two atmospheres

Today, I tried to cook a nice meal for my sister's friends. It turned out perfect and they enjoyed it, while I was in the bathroom throwing up for two hours due to food poisoning. FML

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638

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By Theslacker... - United States - Coplay

Today, a number of people came to visit me in the hospital, including my grandparents. They called me "weak" and "a cowardly millennial" for going to the ER instead of sucking it up, and blamed me for rising healthcare costs. I had a compound fracture. FML

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4164

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By Bengemon825 - United States - Manchester

Today, I was trying to sleep in the car, and when I went to rest my face on my fist, our car hit a bump and I ended up punching myself in the face. FML

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24598

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By ;_;" - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

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45773

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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39738

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By dentistvictim - Norway

Today, I went to the school dentist for the yearly routine check. She took ages trying to clean out my teeth with the metal toothpick-thing, constantly hitting my gums. After half an hour of pain and spitting blood, she looks up and says, laughing: "Oh, I forgot to put my glasses on". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a plane when I suddenly felt the need to use the toilet. I didn't make it in time and I had to spend the remainder of my trip in soiled clothes. FML

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28745

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By innocentbarista - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while serving two middle-aged women at the coffee shop, I was screamed at and accused of being a "sexist and chauvinistic bastard." This was prompted by me charging one of them 40 cents for the addition of steamed milk, which is clearly stated on the price sheet. FML

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By Pepsi - 6/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Social reform, please

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

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By heaventlyassbutt - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

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By ellesworth

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "You're the sexiest person I've ever stalked". Later, I found another note that said "Sorry, that was meant for your roommate. You aren't my type." Not even a creepy stalker thinks I'm attractive. FML

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By maddie! - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

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34465

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By Anonymous - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out where a few of my favorite outfits went. My mother had taken them out of my closet, wrapped them, and given them to my cousin as a gift. FML

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36167

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By MyFaceHurts - United States

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

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9811

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By surprise - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

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By my honest father - United States - Kansas City

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

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By bride - United States

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

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52909

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Worth

Today, during class our teacher asked us, "Who is Uncle Sam?" A girl answered, "He's the guy who founded KFC, right?" I'm in an AP class and have to put up with these morons constantly. FML

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45971

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

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By MID12 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend of nine months when she gets a phone call and decides to answer it. It was her fiancé that I knew nothing about. She told me she was engaged while I was still inside of her. FML

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117328

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By Meg93

Today, I went to a concert for the first time in 5 years. I got all dressed up and even ended up hanging out with the band. The night came to a screeching halt when I got a migraine and ended up in the ER vomiting non-stop. I was in the hospital all night. FML

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1798

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By wow - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

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60849

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By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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Top comments

By tb15 | 0

#832895 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:25

I'm going to disney world, but my parents had relations there years ago.FML
what's next
I won the lottery, so now I have to leave my house to pick up the money.FML
I got accepted into Harvard, but it's cold in Boston.FML

By StewieBigFan | 0

#832749 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:46

Oh, boo hoo. Your parents have sex. Big woof. That's how babies are made. Grow up and learn to have fun, jeez.

COMMENTS

By killerviral | 0

#832714 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:39

yay for majic mountain lol
1st.
dufkflxkjkib. hdjdsbjd e. shave fjihdhd. r f f f y g g g

harryman04 | 0

#833016 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:03

this isn't an fml. your life isn't fucked dumbass

sc95060sc | 0

#833596 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:32

ur parents have sex in ur house all the time. boooo ur life isn't fucked

lolpwntdumass | 0

#833729 - Monday 8 February 2010 6:06

O. M. G.
Your. Gonna. Die.

mitch707 | 0

#834300 - Monday 8 February 2010 9:59

Harden the fuck up kid

time4coffee | 3

#835063 - Monday 8 February 2010 17:42

Cool what ride?

jusk | 0

#845017 - Thursday 11 February 2010 16:40

think so too. Do you wanna kill yourself now because you are depressed????? Come on that is rediculous!!!!!!

00yoda4 | 0

#986442 - Thursday 29 April 2010 4:50

be grateful jackass my mom was a prostitute

ZleveL | 0

#1075050 - Friday 9 July 2010 7:51

my mom was an ASStrouNUT

jessamy_brit | 5

#2788555 - Thursday 30 June 2011 1:55

ohh go cry to your Teddy bear. you don't know life.

gc327072 | 29

#5244854 - Thursday 13 December 2012 22:12

Splash mountain, if ya know what I mean.

By babyveronica | 0

#832722 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:40

that's just gross now I'm going to think about people having sex there haha eww

Averizzle | 0

#832908 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:28

Why wouldn't you think about people having sex at Disney World of all places? Is that not what it is for??

sparkman97 | 7

#3590518 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 22:45

PWhat kind of school takes a class trip to disneyworld? Fucking schools nowdays.

Honda288 | 2

#4099219 - Tuesday 28 February 2012 4:37

Well parents have to do something while they are waiting for Chip and Dale come out.

enormouselephant | 15

#5016715 - Monday 8 October 2012 5:11

How old are you guys to be so grossed out by sex?

Allnightampm | 18

#6461881 - Sunday 15 November 2015 12:25

It's usually large fine arts programs

By azreal_13 | 0

#832739 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:44

aww your nasty thinking about your parents getting it on, just enjoy your time there

By StewieBigFan | 0

#832749 - Monday 8 February 2010 1:46

Oh, boo hoo. Your parents have sex. Big woof. That's how babies are made. Grow up and learn to have fun, jeez.

tiffanyheart | 0

#838134 - Tuesday 9 February 2010 15:59

You know it's "big whoop" right?

xXxXxMasonxXxXx | 7

#2313226 - Friday 8 April 2011 7:19

OWNED

orlandogirl4life | 11

#3911431 - Friday 20 January 2012 1:15

Agreed. 100%

By MasterConan | 0

#832856 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:12

get over it.

By tb15 | 0

#832895 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:25

BoostaRoosta | 0

#833540 - Monday 8 February 2010 5:16

^this guy = win

tb15 | 0

#839924 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 4:09

thank you

By meaganliz | 0

#832918 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:33

How old are you, OP? Twelve?

Get over it.

By AngryNinja | 1

#833000 - Monday 8 February 2010 2:58

hm. I am a person. I came out of my mother. my dad made me.

STORY OF EVERYONE'S LIFE. or they wouldn't HAVE life. just forget it and have fun. that's what they did!

By JeNGaL9 | 0

#833047 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:13

it's not like they had sex on a ride...suck it up....quit your complaining - some ppl will NeveR see Disneyland!!

noobienick | 19

#5757416 - Sunday 17 November 2013 7:50

You don't know that.

By amihearts | 0

#833058 - Monday 8 February 2010 3:16

um why would think if that? I don't get that. I mean I would just forget about it