Miscellaneous: Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

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Sorry…

On yer bike

Modernity

By Anonymous - United States - Winona

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

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By Drafrica - South Africa

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

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By TehUglyLife - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I tried to help a bird who had broken his wing. I walked straight into a door while looking down at him in my hands, and ended up all but breaking his other wing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, when I locked my newly repaired bike up, I carefully took the new rear light off it so that nobody could steal said light. Somebody stole my bike. At least I have a red light to play with. FML

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By ricard0 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up later with my dog's tongue over my mouth. That was my first ever kiss. FML

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By levi69 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By Anonymous

Economy class

Today, my wife and I moved into our new place. I'm recovering from back surgery and out of work. To help make up the rent, her boyfriend moved in too. FML

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By Unemployed - Australia - Hinchinbrook

Today, I discovered that my supervisor, who I thought liked me, actually thinks I am incompetent and lack emotional intelligence. I'm a student nurse and I've just listed her as my reference for our single, statewide job application. There's no way to change it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 06:57 - United Kingdom - Boston

Stuck

Today, I found out that the badly-parked car without MOT, that I chose not to report, has been moved and now blocking my car in. I need to get to the shops and have no idea who the driver is. FML

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By Anonymous

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By still poor - United States - Carlisle

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

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By Diesel - Belgium

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

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By GetAnotherRoomAlready - United States - Singapore

Today, I woke up at 2 AM to the sounds of my roommate and his girlfriend on Skype, playing a game of, "No, I love YOU more, baby, schmoopy schmoopy schmoopy schmoo". It went on for around half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the shower getting ready for a date, when my older sister thought it would be a laugh to turn out the light. Getting out of the shower to turn it back on, I slipped and hit on my head on the counter. Thanks, sis. FML

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By sallyfradoodle - 13/3/2020 21:00

New Romantics

Today, I told my boyfriend of two years that he was my first kiss. His reply? I was the first person he ever whacked off to. FML

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By SaggyBoy135 - United States

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

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By faen - Norway - Marifjora

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

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By dcait_1196 - France

Today, I went to see Jackass 3 in 3D. While the previews were playing, some guy sitting next to me leaned over and began telling me what happens in every scene, completely ruining the movie for me. He tried to get my number afterwards. FML

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By .... - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By drunkboysgf - Canada

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a shop known for its hardcore sex toys. We happened to run into one of my university lecturers and her wife discussing butt plugs with a member of staff, and then saw my aunt and uncle at the register. FML

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By Me - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

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By Ya_I_said_it

Today, I've been so stressed out that I forgot my own birthday. I only remembered when my mom talked to me to let me know she wasn't planning on doing anything for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, my co-worker spent the afternoon taking online personality quizzes and messaging everyone the results. She was particularly proud of one which told her she was a hard-working overachiever. My boss walked by just as the message for that one popped up and I got in trouble for slacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

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By me - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By Fantastic - United States

Today, I was walking to my car tonight when I saw a large man walking behind me, I hurried to open my car as he was approaching quickly, my door wasn't unlocking and I panicked. It was then I noticed it wasnt even my car. As I walked away from the other car, he walked up and unlocked the door. FML

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By anamota89 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I had to fart really badly, so thinking that he wouldn't hear me, I did so. He heard me and asked, "Did you fart?" I said "No, it was my dog." I don't have a dog, and he knows this. FML

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By I Like My Cat - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found out that the tinsel on my Christmas tree is worth a couple of hundred euros per strand. Well, that's how much the two that were surgically removed from my cat have cost me. At least the cat's going to be fine. FML

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By jdsksoapy - United States

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Waldwick

Facebook Science

Today, I was going to hang out with my crush and tell him how I felt, but he cancelled because I had COVID 5 months ago and his mom is afraid I’m contagious. I’m safer to hang out with because I now have antibodies and can’t transmit it. I’ve also had 4 negative tests since then. FML

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By bigryngf - United States

Today, I was on my couch when my landlord walked in. He asked what I was doing there. I responded with the same question. Apparently my roommate forgot to call me and tell me that our lease ended three days ago. I am now standing in the parking lot with all my belongings, and it is raining. FML

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By KC - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

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By Humbug - United States

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

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By ljd09 - United States

Today, I watched my car roll backwards on the freeway, while attached to the tow truck that I was sitting in. FML

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By WickedRene - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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By Mak1 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML

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Top comments

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5469793 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:30

That's sad when a personal belief causes relatives to disown you. :(

By PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5469922 - Monday 29 April 2013 2:02

It's amazing how people just blindly believe every stupid thing they hear without doing their own research.
If I had a dollar for every negative thing I hear about Islam, I'd be richer than the Saudi royal family...

COMMENTS

By fckwhyme | 11

#5469772 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:27

Hypocrites everywhere run for your life!

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5470173 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:20

"If you want to get out alive
Whoa-oh, run for your life"

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5470317 - Monday 29 April 2013 8:12

even the right album I'm quite impressed speaking that song never really made it onto the radio.

Reply

daminantion | 14

#5470811 - Monday 29 April 2013 16:21

Gotta love Americans...

By ShannyAK | 16

#5469773 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:27

I would call them on it! Just say 'hey weren't you the one who told me that I should not be controlled by other people?'

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#5469795 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:31

And if calling them on it doesn't work just use the bible against them. There are so many things in there that no one in modern society fulfills.

Reply

Kyle_Kawi27 | 7

#5469990 - Monday 29 April 2013 3:15

Yea but you know how parents act, they would then find another way to skip around your own accusation. Its sad :(( lol.

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5470324 - Monday 29 April 2013 8:20

yes no one fufills it this is true. but what god wants is for you to realize you have sinned and ask for forgiveness and will forgive you no matter what.

By FMLbutYDI | 17

#5469775 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:27

Hypocrites.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5469781 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:28

Hippocrates*

Well, you edited your comment. Now I look like a fool. :p

By tygerarmy | 35

#5469785 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:28

Do good in school and move out as soon as you can.

By Wizardo | 33

#5469790 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:29

Religion as fickle as people and people as fickle as religion... its a vicious cycle.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5469792 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:29

Wow. No one should force you on what to believe. Your religious beliefs are yours to decide, not somebody else's. My parents did exactly the same too, so I feel your pain. FYL

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5469793 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:30

That's sad when a personal belief causes relatives to disown you. :(

By Bakarra | 22

#5469797 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:31

Really? Cuz God forced me to have determinism... Popcorns in the microwave, ladies and gents...

By gc327072 | 29

#5469801 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:32

Rebel and go Catholic.

Reply

chrissy2 | 28

#5469827 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:36

We got a badass over here.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5469946 - Monday 29 April 2013 2:20

Bro, do you even mass?

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5470022 - Monday 29 April 2013 3:44

Do you even Lent?

Reply

NagainaFier | 16

#5470127 - Monday 29 April 2013 4:58

Do you even Advent?

Reply

ThePsyche | 9

#5470221 - Monday 29 April 2013 6:12

No, but I do Lent my prayers to the masses of people suffering from a Host of medical illnesses.

Reply

icemand90 | 17

#5470322 - Monday 29 April 2013 8:17

exorcism?

By pinkfeet17 | 3

#5469806 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:32

wow they sound like parents who love letting people have their agency