Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2013 20:19 - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Great boyfriend

Ghosted

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled and said "You sound like a dog." Romance ruined. FML

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By mcfaily - 27/2/2010 20:45 - Canada

Today, I arrived at work to find an email from the manager whom I had bought concert tickets from the night before. He said he had actually sold those tickets to someone else. He still expects to be paid. FML

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By TheComedyAudio - 25/2/2018 01:30

Today, I let my roommate borrow my car to go to the store. Later, I saw a picture on Facebook of my roommate and his buddies with my car saying, "Gone for the weekend!" I work at 8am tomorrow and he won't answer my calls. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 16:02

A rock and a hard place

Today, I got back from a camping trip after being homesick for 3 weeks. I couldn't remember why I had wanted to be away from my family for so long when I signed up for it. When I got home, I remembered. Everyone in my family hates each other. I want to go back to the camping site. FML

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By evenmybodyhatesme - 15/5/2016 06:47 - United States - San Jose

Today, after spending a day in the ER and a day in hospital, I was recovering from emergency surgery. My boyfriend left to eat and didn't come back. He texted me 4 hours later that he was drinking with his friends and that he loved his "brown eyed girl". My eyes aren't brown. FML

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By Iwasjustmovingout - 5/5/2019 00:00

Today, out of the blue, my husband suggested to his parents that they move to our town for the next six months, with the understanding that we’d see them nearly every day. I found out about this when they starting making plans. FML

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By Boob - 7/1/2010 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, for my art project, I spent hours painting my whole body in black spots with acrylic paint. I then went and stood outside in the snow, naked, so I could take pictures of it. Only then to find out the camera was out of batteries. FML

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By tiredofthis - 10/10/2012 17:38 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, my roommate set her extremely loud alarm clock for 5am and continued to hit the snooze button every ten minutes until 7:30. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 23:02

Wrong place, wrong time

Today, my boyfriend are I are staying at his parents' while they are away. While having sex in their bed, the whole bed went crashing to the floor. We have no idea what to do, and we leave tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2019 18:00

Chewbacca goes surfing

Today, my wax appointment cancelled on me, we’re supposed to be going to Hawaii in the morning and now I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach and back are hairier than my husband's. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 15:38 - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

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By Shady_Soldier - 31/10/2013 08:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

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By I hate nasty people - 5/4/2012 16:18 - United States - South Bend

Today, my new roommate took a shower. This would be a good thing, except for the fact that it's apparently taken her two months just to take this one. I have to live with her for another year. FML

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By blondetergent - 20/6/2011 08:12 - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By awkward - 26/7/2013 18:00 - United States - Yorba Linda

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML

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By got got - 30/1/2020 14:00

Great help

Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML

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By Bechara - 13/6/2011 09:11 - Pakistan

Today, I overheard my girlfriend telling her friend "Actually, its a good thing she died, she was quite a bitch." She was talking about my mother. FML

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By Nola - 13/9/2018 22:00

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

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By im_not_me - 9/12/2009 12:31 - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

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By Nic - 17/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

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By goodeyesight - 11/10/2012 14:02 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, I went on a blind date. Sadly, I wasn't blind enough. FML

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By niii - 26/11/2008 04:26 - France

Today, as I often do, I had a shag in my old car. I am 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we are still living at our parents' house. FML

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By bdayboy - 11/1/2011 09:17 - United States

Today, some of my classmates brought cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. I took the leftovers with me after class, and when my mom picked me up from school, she asked, "What are the cupcakes for?" FML

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By Toroka - 29/7/2016 18:59

Today, I had to spend two hours in the car with my mother. That doesn't sound so bad until you realize she's the kind of person who can, and did, spend nearly half an hour ranting about how the Big Beautiful Woman porn niche is the root of obesity in America. FML

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By DAMMit - 27/7/2009 08:12 - Australia

Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2016 04:57 - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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By Charlie8u347 - 29/12/2010 20:26 - United States

Today, I was told to shovel four inches of snow from my driveway. I had to get the snow shovel from the rafters of my garage, and there were other tools with it. As I was yanking the shovel down, a pickax fell and smashed through the back window of my dad's Buick. FML

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By allennn - 14/3/2010 14:56 - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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By Bedrest Blues - 24/12/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that we can’t be together because I’m not the person he fell in love with since I don’t do anything all day. I’m 6 months pregnant and on bed rest. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 01:43 - United States - Richmond

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

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By ColderThanCold - 15/3/2019 00:00

Today, the company that was supposed to clear our apartment's parking lot never showed up. I almost got frostbite in my fingers trying to shovel someone's car out since my gloves got soaking wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 02:31 - United States - Tampa

Peek a boo

Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

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By awkward23 - 12/1/2010 10:26 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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By Lea - 16/3/2010 13:31 - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

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By eyebags - 10/10/2016 13:04 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

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By t2t2sync - 3/8/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 08:02

That's that, then

Today, I walked in on my brother having sex. With my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 05:05

Quite the catch

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me with more guys than I can count on one hand. I'm not sure what's worse, realizing this only after she's moved in, realizing two of the guys were my close friends, or realizing I'd given up my dream career for this. FML

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Top comments

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5469793 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:30

That's sad when a personal belief causes relatives to disown you. :(

By PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#5469922 - Monday 29 April 2013 2:02

It's amazing how people just blindly believe every stupid thing they hear without doing their own research.
If I had a dollar for every negative thing I hear about Islam, I'd be richer than the Saudi royal family...

COMMENTS

By fckwhyme | 11

#5469772 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:27

Hypocrites everywhere run for your life!

Reply

Enslaved | 36

#5470173 - Monday 29 April 2013 5:20

"If you want to get out alive
Whoa-oh, run for your life"

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5470317 - Monday 29 April 2013 8:12

even the right album I'm quite impressed speaking that song never really made it onto the radio.

Reply

daminantion | 14

#5470811 - Monday 29 April 2013 16:21

Gotta love Americans...

By ShannyAK | 16

#5469773 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:27

I would call them on it! Just say 'hey weren't you the one who told me that I should not be controlled by other people?'

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#5469795 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:31

And if calling them on it doesn't work just use the bible against them. There are so many things in there that no one in modern society fulfills.

Reply

Kyle_Kawi27 | 7

#5469990 - Monday 29 April 2013 3:15

Yea but you know how parents act, they would then find another way to skip around your own accusation. Its sad :(( lol.

Reply

wjh100 | 13

#5470324 - Monday 29 April 2013 8:20

yes no one fufills it this is true. but what god wants is for you to realize you have sinned and ask for forgiveness and will forgive you no matter what.

By FMLbutYDI | 17

#5469775 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:27

Hypocrites.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5469781 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:28

Hippocrates*

Well, you edited your comment. Now I look like a fool. :p

By tygerarmy | 35

#5469785 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:28

Do good in school and move out as soon as you can.

By Wizardo | 33

#5469790 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:29

Religion as fickle as people and people as fickle as religion... its a vicious cycle.

By RoseBlack123 | 37

#5469792 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:29

Wow. No one should force you on what to believe. Your religious beliefs are yours to decide, not somebody else's. My parents did exactly the same too, so I feel your pain. FYL

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5469793 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:30

That's sad when a personal belief causes relatives to disown you. :(

By Bakarra | 22

#5469797 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:31

Really? Cuz God forced me to have determinism... Popcorns in the microwave, ladies and gents...

By gc327072 | 29

#5469801 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:32

Rebel and go Catholic.

Reply

chrissy2 | 28

#5469827 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:36

We got a badass over here.

Reply

rg350dx | 29

#5469946 - Monday 29 April 2013 2:20

Bro, do you even mass?

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5470022 - Monday 29 April 2013 3:44

Do you even Lent?

Reply

NagainaFier | 16

#5470127 - Monday 29 April 2013 4:58

Do you even Advent?

Reply

ThePsyche | 9

#5470221 - Monday 29 April 2013 6:12

No, but I do Lent my prayers to the masses of people suffering from a Host of medical illnesses.

Reply

icemand90 | 16

#5470322 - Monday 29 April 2013 8:17

exorcism?

By pinkfeet17 | 3

#5469806 - Monday 29 April 2013 1:32

wow they sound like parents who love letting people have their agency