Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been... - FML

By RdL - 17/3/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

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Oh, hai!

The opposite of a good idea

Great boyfriend

By fjafja - 7/3/2009 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was having a one night stand with a guy. He told me he wanted to do it doggie style, I said okay, and as soon as I bent over on the bed, looked at me and said, "Let's do this with the lights off". FML

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By KingSnow03 - 31/3/2020 20:00

Stay away from us!

Today, because I have a coughed a total of 2 times in a row, I'm now banned from seeing any of my family until I get tested for coronavirus. The earliest available appointment is May 3rd. Looks like quarantine is going to be a lot worse than I thought. FML

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By preggers with probs - 3/9/2018 14:30

Today, I am 10 weeks pregnant and my husband says he needs time for himself. This apparently means he will be romancing and sleeping with other women so he can "relax". FML

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By thank u usa - 13/12/2013 22:20 - Germany

Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

I don't know why

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

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By Wellgreat - 30/11/2018 03:00

Today, I convinced my roommate, who’s been single for a while, to get back in the dating game. He downloaded Tinder. His first match was my girlfriend. FML

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By John-John - 6/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By are you kidding me? - 10/3/2014 08:22 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

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By meet Chloe - 19/2/2012 09:15 - Australia

Today, I felt sorry for the weird chick at work that everybody avoids and decided to initiate a conversation with her. She interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me about her vaginal odor problems, before shoving her hand into my chip packet and inviting herself to dinner at my house. FML

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By WitchQueenLiz - 28/6/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Normally, the little office I work in throws a big party for every employee on their special day, but nothing was done for me, not even a "Happy Birthday" came my way. I didn't want to be rude, so I stayed silent. They didn't do anything because I was getting laid off. FML

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By HR - 16/12/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

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By Em - 30/4/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

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By catfriend - 6/5/2014 05:42 - United States - Salida

Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML

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By bonzo - 22/6/2015 14:41 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after I drove two hours to his house, because he wanted to do it face to face. Then told me that if I wanted, we could have sex one last time, but I would have to leave right after, otherwise it would be weird. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I went to visit teachers at the high school I graduated from 3 months ago as valedictorian. Turns out, I had an expired parking permit, and I didn't properly get a visitor pass. The school went into a "yellow lockdown" because of me. My car was towed. I got arrested for trespassing. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2019 01:00

A good excuse

Today, my ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me because God said she couldn't have a boyfriend, started dating my friend... Who she always told me she didn't even like. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 14:41 - Australia - Edgecliff

Today, I took a late-night shower. When I got out afterwards, the bathroom door was ajar, and I could have sworn I heard the faint patter of footsteps in the kitchen. "It's probably the cat," I told myself. Then I went upstairs and saw my cat asleep on my bed. FML

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By Cassie - 2/5/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

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By *sigh* - 8/12/2015 22:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I confronted my friend about the £260 he owes me. He got offended and said, "Friends don't have to pay back." He called me selfish and walked off. FML

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By nothing - 18/5/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I went bowling. The guy at the lane next to us was bowling by himself and had a few of his own bowling balls, and he had one that looked like a yin-yang and it looked very cool spinning down the lane into the pins. Not really thinking, I casually said to him "Hey, I like your balls." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, I ordered takeout. When I looked in the bag, I saw they'd included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, then estimated that there must be at least four people eating such a large meal. I was eating alone. FML

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By cavgirl - 12/4/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, the guy that I like took me on to the Cavaliers game. At the game, on the jumbotron they do a thing where they show couples and have them kiss, the camera goes on to us and as I go into kiss him he turns and says "not in this lifetime". The entire stadium got to see me get rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2013 19:37 - United States - Norcross

Today, I had a formal complaint filed against me for being outrageously rude to a customer. All I did was tell a customer that she couldn't use food stamps at the movie theater. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 21:42 - Canada

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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By merse - 18/2/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2011 04:26 - New Zealand

Today, I slipped and fell in mud while running from the car to inside to avoid getting wet in a torrential downpour. I was running from the limo, in my wedding dress, to the church for my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2014 20:04 - United States - Brandon

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

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By Queasy - 24/1/2010 00:15 - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

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By Ms. Piggy - 2/3/2014 19:09 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

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By Christine - 24/12/2016 17:56

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

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By PsychoBoulevard - 13/3/2017 08:00 - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

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By Craigslist is Evil. - 24/9/2013 18:12 - United States - Dickson

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

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By GirlishMan1883897 - 24/7/2010 10:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because she said I was more of a woman than she was. I yelled out, "I HATE YOU!" and started to cry. She then took a tampon out of her purse, handed it to me, laughed, and walked away. FML

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By David - 1/9/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I decided to ride my rusty old bike to work, since it will help the environment. I was standing up and had a tight grip on the handle bars. The handle bars came off and I fell down on the cross bar, busting my nuts. FML

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By lonely - 5/2/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

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By apparently inexperienced - 11/9/2012 16:54 - United States - Brockton

Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - 18/4/2015 04:57 - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

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Top comments

By autumnshivaree | 0

#38421 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:23

:-) That's basically what my family did to my brother, only we used a model BMW.
You kind of deserve that - car's aren't toys and they are expensive to buy and worse to insure. Get a job and pay for it yourself.
Best of luck!

By tsezu | 0

#38431 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:26

I wouldn't mind getting Hot Wheels cars...

Comments

By autumnshivaree | 0

#38421 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:23

:-) That's basically what my family did to my brother, only we used a model BMW.
You kind of deserve that - car's aren't toys and they are expensive to buy and worse to insure. Get a job and pay for it yourself.
Best of luck!

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1286527 - Sunday 22 August 2010 21:26

agreed and win!

Reply

aesculpius89 | 2

#3018451 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 1:32

My dad did the same thing to me. Had a toy mini cooper on top of my birthday cake that they brought out for us at the steakhouse where we ate. I was 16 then - just bought my own mini at 21 =] save your money is right its a great feeling

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4299559 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:16

Great advise!!!!

By tsezu | 0

#38431 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:26

I wouldn't mind getting Hot Wheels cars...

Reply

XCaLX_fml | 0

#895846 - Saturday 27 February 2010 2:04

hhahaha i agree

Reply

beastwill64 | 16

#3012098 - Monday 1 August 2011 3:43

NNNNNNEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!

By Pokerdance | 0

#38433 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:26

Ha. Ha! That sucks.

By qwert5 | 0

#38452 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:29

that's rude.. they didn't have to get you excited about getting a car and then let you down so colossally

By meddude | 0

#38459 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:30

your parents are assholes for doing that to you. just tell them that karma's a bitch and just wait till they need a nursing home to take their advice.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6047490 - Monday 25 August 2014 17:56

Wow, spoiled brat much?

By Bubs_fml | 0

#38463 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Well, yeah. Save your money and earn one yourself like most people have to do.

By shitfaece | 0

#38466 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Your parents are realistic. At least you have a Hot Wheels car!

By truth_fml | 0

#38473 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:32

Your parents have a sense of humor. Apparently it's not genetic.

By Cadle90 | 0

#38475 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:33

Too bad it wasn't a big wheel.... Could have driven that around the neighborhood :D

By cuttybuddy | 0

#38487 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:34

Easy way to fix this is tell them you're going to buy a motorcycle. Just watch how fast this sparks a real conversation about getting a car...

Reply

qwertification | 0

#842888 - Thursday 11 February 2010 2:08

lol thats wat im going to say