Money: Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been... - FML

By RdL - United States

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

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Out of it

Messed up

BO Central

By SOdamnNervous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

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By Sleep Deprived - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML

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By brokeasajoke - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By Emily - 28/12/2020 17:01

Gun control

Today, only a few hours after getting certified and buying my first pistol, I dropped it and blew off two of my toes. FML

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By ssondik - United States - Hebron

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML

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By nannynomore - United States

Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I am the current nanny. I found out I am being fired by the new nanny. FML

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By POP101 - Canada

Today, there was this girl in heels running in front of me at school, and she slipped on ice. Trying to be a hero, I dropped my backpack and ran up to help her, but ended up slipping and landing on her leg. As I walked back to my backpack, I found out I dropped my laptop and broke it. FML

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By jll14 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

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By ITM21 - United States

Today, I accused a student in my class of getting his dad to do his homework. It turns out that his dad died 2 years ago. FML

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By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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By grann - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

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By crushed - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend had sex with three different guys in one day. All at a party. A party that I was at. FML

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By Poser - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

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By anonymous1 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

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By phantomdriver - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend called me at work to tell me that someone had hit my motorcycle and that it was in pretty bad shape. I chuckled and waited for the "April fools" that would follow. A picture of my wrecked bike came instead. FML

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By Sica - France

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

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By 1942ford - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called an airline to try to locate a bag I left on a flight. When I told the phone rep which airport I flew into, he asked me what city it was in. He paused after I told him, then asked me what state Seattle is in. I don't think I'll be getting my bag back. FML

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By Luna - United States - Carmel

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

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By shield1123 - United States

Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waynesboro

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

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By Anonymous

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By Anonyme - France - Aigremont

Today, I watched the Sochi Winter Games online. Excited by an athlete's victory, I yelled out, "YEAH!" to 20-or-so silent coworkers. As if to redeem myself, I then said, "Don't pretend like you're all working you lot!" Our boss was right behind me. FML

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By why... - United States

Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

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By Pang

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By Wrongtoilet - Singapore

Today, I was at a new shopping mall. After an hour, I desperately needed to use the bathroom. Spotting one, I ran inside, locked myself in a cubicle and relieved myself. The toilet paper was out so I knocked on the cubicle beside me to ask for some. A lady's voice answered. She needed some too. FML

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By ShayanFCB - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

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By Jeff - United States

Today, a wasp flew into my room. While I, a 6'2" hockey player, cowered in the corner, my 4'11" girlfriend killed it. FML

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By

Today, after months of delays, my home renovation is nearing completion. Well, it was nearing completion. Last night, a pipe burst, flooding the entire house. The water damage will cost more to repair than the entire renovation. FML

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By feels like an asshole - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

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By Getthelysol

Today, I gave my 8-month-old a bath in the kitchen sink after dinner, like I always do. Today, she decided to poop in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

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By anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

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By Powerless111

Freedom of speech

Today, I got yelled at for 30 minutes while on a date for using the word "bitch." I used it to describe my friend's wife, who will also yell at you for 30 minutes for using a word she doesn't like. FML

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Top comments

By autumnshivaree | 0

#38421 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:23

:-) That's basically what my family did to my brother, only we used a model BMW.
You kind of deserve that - car's aren't toys and they are expensive to buy and worse to insure. Get a job and pay for it yourself.
Best of luck!

By tsezu | 0

#38431 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:26

I wouldn't mind getting Hot Wheels cars...

COMMENTS

By autumnshivaree | 0

#38421 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:23

:-) That's basically what my family did to my brother, only we used a model BMW.
You kind of deserve that - car's aren't toys and they are expensive to buy and worse to insure. Get a job and pay for it yourself.
Best of luck!

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1286527 - Sunday 22 August 2010 21:26

agreed and win!

Reply

aesculpius89 | 2

#3018451 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 1:32

My dad did the same thing to me. Had a toy mini cooper on top of my birthday cake that they brought out for us at the steakhouse where we ate. I was 16 then - just bought my own mini at 21 =] save your money is right its a great feeling

Reply

babe7260 | 30

#4299559 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:16

Great advise!!!!

By tsezu | 0

#38431 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:26

I wouldn't mind getting Hot Wheels cars...

Reply

XCaLX_fml | 0

#895846 - Saturday 27 February 2010 2:04

hhahaha i agree

Reply

beastwill64 | 16

#3012098 - Monday 1 August 2011 3:43

NNNNNNEEEEEERRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!

By Pokerdance | 0

#38433 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:26

Ha. Ha! That sucks.

By qwert5 | 0

#38452 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:29

that's rude.. they didn't have to get you excited about getting a car and then let you down so colossally

By meddude | 0

#38459 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:30

your parents are assholes for doing that to you. just tell them that karma's a bitch and just wait till they need a nursing home to take their advice.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6047490 - Monday 25 August 2014 17:56

Wow, spoiled brat much?

By Bubs_fml | 0

#38463 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Well, yeah. Save your money and earn one yourself like most people have to do.

By shitfaece | 0

#38466 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:31

Your parents are realistic. At least you have a Hot Wheels car!

By truth_fml | 0

#38473 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:32

Your parents have a sense of humor. Apparently it's not genetic.

By Cadle90 | 0

#38475 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:33

Too bad it wasn't a big wheel.... Could have driven that around the neighborhood :D

By cuttybuddy | 0

#38487 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 23:34

Easy way to fix this is tell them you're going to buy a motorcycle. Just watch how fast this sparks a real conversation about getting a car...

Reply

qwertification | 0

#842888 - Thursday 11 February 2010 2:08

lol thats wat im going to say